My 2023 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

March 13, 2023March 13, 2023 charlenearossLeave a comment

Once again, the Oscars have come at an unfortunate time for me. I had the double whammy of coming home from a long weekend getaway at my girlfriend’s house in the beautiful St. George, UT (landed at Burbank Airport at 1:00 PM) and hosting a virtual trivia event for work at 5:00 PM. Sure, I was home between 2:00 and 5:00 – prime Red Carpet time, but between preparing for my work event and preparing for the week, sadly there was no Red Carpet for me. (But that’s what pictures on the internet are for.)

But before my trip, Marley promised me that she would stay home and we would eat pizza and drink margaritas and watch the awards while scouring the internet for Red Carpet pictures. And so we did.

And so, from my comfy couch, while consuming more calories during the Oscar broadcast than these ladies did the entire previous week, I present to you, Marley and Charlene’s Snarky Red Carpet Review.

Do we want to start with the good news or the bad news? Who are we kidding? Let’s start with the bad news.

This dress is very bad news…

Me: What the heck is going on with this dress?! It doesn’t look like it fits well – it almost looks baggy, the cape is hideous, and that fur on the bottom is just no, no, no!

Marley: I think without the awful fabric swallowing her body, it would have been beautiful. But instead the dress is ruined by those feathers and weird cape shawl.

Marley: Oh. Uh. that’s really bad, Mom. That’s really bad.

Me: Sigh. I mean Nicole always looks beautiful, but from her overly casual extensioned hair to her just plain ugly dress, I’m going to call this a no.

Marley: Everything about thai dress is terrible. It reminds me of one of those cheap Halloween table cloths

Me: In a word: hideous. But also, I have more words. It looks like a 1980’s Cinderella wedding dress dyed purple and black. Even without those awful balloon sleeves this dress would be terrible.

Marley: Marley She looks like she’s wearing crumpled bed sheets with some booty shorts and a sports bra.

Me: I don’t know what it looks like other than one big ol’ mess. It looks like she is as bad at picking stylists as she is at picking movie rolls. (If you were unfortunate enough to see Don’t Worry Darling, you know what I’m talking about.) And what is with that hair? Are her bangs created from the end of her ponytail? Thumbs down on everything about this look. I don’t even like her shoes.

And please, don’t for a second think it’s just the women we were snarky to. The men have to own up to their fashion mistakes as well.

Marley: Who is that?

Me: He’s an Irish actor and (searching the internet) that’s his wife. She is an orthodontist.

Marley: She’s an orthodontist? Lucky patients! The buttons on that suit look like bleached buttholes. You would think his wife is the famous one. She looks stunning.

Me: She does look stunning. Not a fan of his suit. Also, should it concern me that you know what bleached buttholes look like?

Marley: It looks like he bought it off Fashion Nova

Me: What is Fashion Nova?

Marley: It’s cheap fast fashion clothing with a lot of satin.

Me: Well, someone needs to tell The Rock that fast fashion is incredibly bad for the environment and that jacket is bad for my eyes. He looks like the maître d’ at a bad Vegas review show.

And now for the very good news, we are on to the good dresses. That’s right – there were not a lot of terrible dresses. And while terrible dresses do make for a funnier and snarkier post, if you know me at all, you know that I really am all about spreading joy and positivity. (Though admittedly, Marley – not so much!) And so, on to the very good news.

Me: I think this is everyone’s favorite dress. It has everything – the gorgeous, rich color, the beautiful fabric and the way it drapes just perfectly, the Angelia Jolie slit – it’s all around fab.

Marley: That would have been the best dress of the night if it didn’t have that stupid bow.

(In case you are somehow unaware, Marley hates bows)

Me: You are wrong. It is the best dress of the night. The dress is gorgeous. Even the bow.

While this dress is maybe a little bit on the nightgowny side, I think the look is overall, incredibly pretty. The hair, the makeup, the jewelry, the fairy princess dress – I give this look a 10/10.

Me: I think this dress is very pretty. I love the way it flows and Michelle looks stunning. I’m so glad she won the Oscar. This woman is 60 years old, friends. Definitely not “past her prime.”

Me: Wowza! I love the color of this dress. It looks like actual fire. 🔥🔥🔥

Marley: I usually don’t like the sparkly dresses, but she looks really pretty.

Marley: She looks amazing. So many women are wearing white tonight like they are all getting married. I still don’t understand the wedding dress theme but this is one of my favorite dresses.

Me: Agree. She looks absolutely stunning.

Also – did you notice that during the awards she came out in this exact same dress but in black? So basically, stars are just like us, because when I find something I like, I tend to buy one in every color.

Marley: You know I don’t like that headpiece but the rest of the dress is stunning. She wins for wedding dress of the night.

Me: I also don’t know how I feel about that headpiece situation but the dress is indeed stunning.

Marley: I think that’s really pretty. I mean, to be honest, the sequins do make it look a little cheap in my opinion, but the shape is really pretty.

Me: To be honest, I’m a bit conflicted about this dress. The sequins are a little too big and disco-bally and the ruffly cold shoulder is a litte too ruffly, but I don’t know. Somehow it works. And yes, as always, she does look really pretty.

Me: I think this dress is really pretty. I love the color.

Marley: No. That dress is not good. The color is pretty but I hate the shape.

Me: She looks gorgeous

Marley: she does

And because I am all about spreading joy and positivity, I will leave you this this photo…

I mean, look at these two. These are two powerful, beautiful, badass women in their 60s, who in this youth-obsessed industry (and youth-obsessed country and culture) just won their first Oscars. If that’s not beautiful, I don’t know what is.

Okay, friends. Let us know – what did we get right, what did we get wrong, and what did we miss?

Also, P.S. – Marley and I did not review Jamie Lee Curtis’s dress, but we both thought she looked amazing!

Photos borrowed from Vogue, CNN, and Deadline

The Golden Globes Are Back! (And So Is My Red Carpet Review)

January 11, 2023 charlenearossLeave a comment

“Do you want me to record the Golden Globes for you?” my husband asked me yesterday afternoon.

“The Golden Globes are back?” I answered. “I had no idea. Sure. Thank you. When are they on? Sunday?”

“Tonight?! On a Tuesday?! Why???”

Look, if you are a regular reader of my red carpet report (which is basically the only time I ever write a blog post anymore and seriously question myself everytime I do it), you know that I am often caught unaware of when awards shows are happening. But, I’m quite positive that the Globes have always been a Sunday event. What happened? Did they get a weekday discount on the Beverly Hilton ballroom?

Also, can I be honest? While watching the show, I wasn’t really that inspired. Most of the dresses were pretty but not amazing and the most of ones that weren’t great weren’t actually terrible. Tuesdays in general are kind of meh and so is this review.

But I rallied (as I do) to write this post for the 3 people who tell me they look forward to it every year. And, like every year, instead of writing it on the night of the awards like a professional, I get up at o’dark thirty the next morning (that would be today) and give my suburbanite comments on haute couture as if I know what I’m talking about. (Because I do.) Marley rallied as well because she is a good daughter.

And so, without further ado (aka me blathering on about why I am once again unprepared and unqualified to write this blog post), my 2023 Golden Globes Red Carpet Review…

We’ll start with the nopes.

Me: Selena Gomez is 30 and this dress is too matronly. It looks like it was made for 50-something-year old trying to hide her upper-arm jiggle. (And if there’s something I know about, it’s being a 50-something-year old trying to hide upper arm jiggle.) Take away those purple sleeves and this dress is a win. They have got to go.

Marley: I will forever never understand why puffy sleeves are a thing. They don’t look good.

Me I feel like I should like this dress but I don’t. The whole spider webby thing maybe. She looks gorgeous as always but I have to vote no on this one.

Marley: Is it a spider web or diamond bullseye?

Me: That flower has got to go and that Angelina Jolie high leg slit is so 2000 and whatever year that was.

Me: This dress is just one big ol’ ruffly mess. It’s a nope.

Me: Again with the ruffles. If this dress had just flowed elegantly down to the floor it would have been a 10/10 but that weird bottom ruins it for me. (I was so happy that Julia won the GG for Ozark though. Ruth Langmore will forever be one of my favorite TV characters.)

Me: It’s like Stevie Nicks’ designer added pleats, changed the color, and forgot the middle of one of her outfits. (BTW, in the 70’s when disco inspired fashion was a thing, I had a Danskin leotard and wrap skirt in this exact color.)

Marley: Slave Princess Leia but make it red carpet.

Me: I am conflicted by this dress as well. I want to love it. I think I would love it if it had a black underlay and you couldn’t see through to her bodysuit, which makes me sound like a modest old lady and this dress upsets me because it proves I am officially over.

Me: This is another dress I can’t figure out if I like or not. There really is something about it that is so pretty but also it looks like the chenille bedspread in my grandmother’s lake cabin.

Marley: Lamp shade couture.

Lest you think the women are the only ones who need to fire their designers, let me present you with this…

Me: WTF, is going on there, Adam? I dig the color but that weird tie has got to go.

Marley: I think he looks like a little flower boy who is wearing a suit he’ll laugh at in 20 years.

Me: Why???

Marley: Donald looks like he just woke up and was thrown into a car so he wouldn’t be late for the event.

Gentlemen, if you’d like to mix it up a bit, and don’t want to wear a basic tuxedo and still look daper, may I present this:

Me: Andrew looks great in this burnt orange suit. Love!

Marley: It’s nice to see something that isn’t a black suit and I think he looks like a fancy scooby-doo.

Me: Jeremy is looking fine in this leather suit. That necklace if bold and fabulous. I love it.

Marley: Leather on leather usually is tacky but he really pulls it off.

Me: Matt Bomer in a burgandy velvet tux = 100.

Here are my faves:

Me: In a word: Stunning. In more words: Angela Bassett is 64 years old and has obviously sold her soul to the devil. My question is, can she give me his number?

Marley: Amazing. Stunning. 11/10.

Me: Love the sparkly gold bricks and the diamond-shaped neckline. Fab!

Me: This is my favorite dress of the night. So simple, but also elegant and very different. I LOVE it.

Marley: I really hate this dress. I feel awful saying it but it really looks like a pad after your first day of a heavy flow. I don’t see the vision.

Me: Marley is 100% wrong and frankly I am disappointed in her not seeing the vision. She is a lover of modern art and if this were on a canvas at a museum she would find it as breathtaking as it is. (Though, to be fair, I am not a lover of modern art and if I saw this on a canvas in a museum, I would think it looked like a pretty blob of orange paint. Go figure.) But also, this dress is gorgeous.

Me: Why do I love Salma Hayek’s dress and dislike Jessica Chastain’s dress when the concept if very similar. I do not know. What I do know is that this dress is stunning.

Me: This is how you mix up the bottom of a dress. I find Margot Robbie very pretty in pink.

Marley: I feel like she can do so much better than this dress.

Me: Perhaps, but I still like it!

Me: I think this dress is very unique and beautiful.

Marley: Her silhouette is amazing in this but I hate the trend of square necklines, they’re so ugly.

Me: Marley is incorrect about square necklines. They accentuate the collarbone and hide the armpit-bar-overhang-flab. Not that I would know anything about that. (Spoiler alert: I know everything about that.)

Marley’s favorites:

Marley: I love the two piece and I think the yellow looks great on her, big fan.

Me: While I love dresses that are simply elegant and I don’t mind a two-piece ensemble, something about this just doesn’t work for me. I think the bandeau is too narrow, maybe. Do not love.

Marley: I love this and if I was famous I’d wear it on a red carpet, the top piece especially is amazing.

Me: I have to disagree with Marley again. While I do think the corsety top is very pretty, I don’ like how the skirt fluffs out below the hips. It’s almost as if her skirt is falling off. I’d like this dress more if it either hugged her body completely or fluffed out at the waist. Everyone knows that a full skirt is meant to hide the hips. (That is why it is my go-to style.) You can’t have it both ways. (Says me, the fashion expert.)

Marley: I love this dress, she looks so beautiful and I really like how the two pieces connect.

Me: There is too much going on here. Disagree.

And that, my friends, is what we call in Hollywood (and 30 miles from Hollywood), a wrap. This snarky suburbanite with opinions about things she has no business having opinions about has got to get herself to work. (Which means I need to take a quick shower and become Zoom presentable in about 30 minutes.)

I’d love to know your thoughts. Did I get it right or miss the mark? (But only tell me if you think I got it right.) 😉

Photos borrowed from here and here.

Oscar’s Fashion Eye is 2020

February 10, 2020March 9, 2020 charleneaross1 Comment

It’s Laurel & Lexington here! Usually Charlene writes a funny, snarky, poignant blog post for the Oscar’s ever-anticipated Red Carpet, but this year, her working/traveling/jet-setting self is allowing her friends & daughter to guest-write her post. She may live to regret it, like Kristen Wiig is regretting her dress choice, but hey – life is all about taking risks! Just ask Maya Rudolph, if you can find her under that smock.

Let’s break this down into 4 categories.

Black & White
In the Pink
Just Lovely
That’s a HARD NO

Charlene here: Laurel & Lexi – 1,000 thank yous for taking over my blog and writing this post. Sitting at the airport now (work is so inconvenient to my snarky hobbies!) and will add my commentary (if needed). From what I’ve seen so far, I might be out of a (non) job with Laurel & Lexi’s spot-on fashion eye.

Black & White

The classic black gown, the stunning white couture, a handsome tux. Who needs color when you can rock black & white like this?

Keanu Reeves & his mom – so right on so many levels. Well done!

Cynthia Erivo owns every piece of this look. Versace goodness!

Why ya gotta be so perfect, Charlize Theron? Hot damn!

Ms. Cruz, te amo – you are divine in black & white.

Renee Zellweger – that Armani dress is undeniably stunning.
Charlene: This may be the dress of the night. Bridget Jones – I like you just as you are. (Fabulous!)

Brad Pitt – winner, winner, won’t kick you out of bed for eating a chicken dinner.
You know what I mean.
Charlene: I do know what you mean, and you are right!

In The Pink

We don’t have to fear pink – it’s feminine and free and fabulous. From blush to bubblegum, pink is the new black. These goddesses look so beautiful – their accessories alone are enough to include them!

Julia Butters – this dress is so flowy and perfect for her young self, and that sparkly pink orb bag! Lexington says: she looks like cotton candy. Deelish.
Charlene: She does look adorable, but I have to admit, I am not a fan of the sleeves (but she is a child, so I will allow it). That purse, though? I want it!

Brie Larson is elegant in this sparkly, clingy, sexy look. Steamy!
Charlene: Brie Larson always looks amazing. Her stylist definitely knows what they’re doing!

Idina Menzel nails it here – the gown, the necklace, the hair & make-up.
We can’t let this one go!
Charlene: Hmmm… I’m not sure I’m as big a fan.

Angela Bassett looks incredible in this bold pink stunner – love every element of her look! Is she aging? Nope.
Charlene: Angela Bassett is 61! 61!!! She has obviously made a deal with the devil!

Gal Gadot called her friend Caitriona Balfa and said, “Let’s wear black & pink gowns and look hot.” And they did!

Caitriona Balfa – ditto!
Charlene: I actually can’t tell if I hate that pink thing or not. (I know if Marley chose to participate she would have!) I want to hate it – but not sure that I do.

Just Lovely

If I weren’t sitting on my couch waiting for my Persian food to be delivered while watching this fancy night out, I might not be wearing jammy pants and Isotoner slippers. But am I. However, these gorgeous people are just lovely.

Billy Porter in Giles Deacon couture – I mean, is anyone more stylish? Just Lovely.
Charlene: Only Billy Porter could pull this off. And he does!

Janelle Monáe is…Just Lovely. There are no words.
Charlene: Laurel is wrong – there are words and the are: Wow! I love this dress so much. Stunning-Fabulous-Lovely

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is Just Lovely, in her blue elegance and heavenly jewels.
Charlene: Another starlet who has made a deal with the devil. Not only is she hilariously funny, gorgeous, and does not age, she is probably rich enough to actually afford that necklace!

Kaitlyn Dever, you shatter our Just Lovely category. Holy beauty!!
Charlene: Simply Fabulous.

Kelly Ripa could have stunned us in the Black & White category with this classic gown, but with Mark’s beautiful blue tux, they are…Just Lovely!

Mindy Kaling in Dolce & Gabana and her Chopard jewelry is so lovely, it almost hurts.
So good!
Charlene: 100% agree!

Olivia Colman in Stella McCartney and those earrings is Just Lovely!
Charlene: I love Olivia Colman, but often do not love what she wears. This I like.

Rebel Wilson, in gold goddessness, and perfect red lips. Just Lovely!
Charlene: Rebel looks FAB!

As always, Regina King looks like a queen. And is Just Lovely!
Charlene: Regina King never disappoints. She is Hollywood glamour at it’s finest. She is not only a King – she is a Fashion Queen!

Take your Just Lovely and get a room, Colin & Scarlet!
Charlene: Talk about a deal with the devil – how did Colin Jost ever land ScarJo? (I’ll tell you – he makes her laugh!) But seriously, her dress is just like her – beyond gorgeous, and they both look lovely.

Sandra Oh YES! You are Just frocking Lovely in this gown.
Charlene – This is where Laurel and I disagree. While Sandra does look lovely, I do not love the chenille bedspread portion of this dress. (I swear the bottom and sleeves of this dress look exactly like my grandmother’s old bedspread.) Take off that fuzzy business and you’ve got yourself a gorgeous dress.

That’s a HARD NO

It’s a challenge to put our beloved into this category, but fear not – it’s necessary. They need to think about what they’ve done!

Charlene’s friend Jillian said it best: *Kristen Wiig looks like a red octopus*.
It’s a shame, because with that cute hair & make-up, she could have been just lovely.
Charlene: Yes, this dress definitely falls into the “less is more” category. As in this dress would be (more) beautiful if it had less (as in none) of whatever that ruffle business is attached to it. Without the octopus arm lasagna noodles stuck on the side of this dress it would be stunning.

Maya Rudolph, we love you so, but what the frock is going on here?
Charlene: (I see what you did there, Laurel!) Also, Maya, I love you. But you seriously need to fire your stylist. Stat!

Ryan Michelle Bathe, you are shockingly beautiful – the opposite of this tent.
Charlene: Laurel – really?! I like it!

Saoirse Ronan, what the frock happened here???
Charlene: Saoirse is usually in my best dressed category, but I am not a fan of this one. Just too much going on. Take away the peplum and you’ve got a beautiful dress (or keep the peplum and make the skirt black). And those bangs? Not a fan. (And this is coming from a girl who has always and will forever always have bangs!)

Coco would say NO NO! Billie Eilish, this is a HARD NO!
Charlene: While I am not a fan of this look, I know that this is Billie’s signature style (which I am also not a huge fan of), so I respect it. But, what I DO give a hard no on are those nails. Seriously, Billie. WTF with those nails?!

And that’s it, folks. This year’s Oscars prove that fashion isn’t for everyone, but those who get it, really get it right! Oh…wait…one more for Charlene! xoxo

Laurel and Lexi – once again, thank you so much! You did a fabulous job. Next year I will try my best to not be working. But if I am, I know my red carpet post will be in good hands.

My Snarky 2019 Emmy Red Carpet Comments

September 23, 2019September 23, 2019 charleneaross3 Comments

Can I let you in on a secret? You might think that because I’ve been writing this red carpet (that was actually purple this year) post for the last 10ish years, that I not only wait for the Emmy’s (Oscar’s and Golden Globe’s) every year with baited breath, but actually know when they are going to occur.

No.

I’m not that organized. In fact I didn’t know the Emmy’s were happening tonight until my husband and I were reading the Sunday paper and noticed a story about the Emmy’s on the cover of Parade Magazine.

Shit. Are those tonight?

Yup.

Because I really don’t have time for this. I just got back from an eight night one-third vacation, two-thirds business trip. I landed at LAX on Saturday at 8:30 AM (after waking up at 4:45 AM for a 7:00 AM flight from Indianapolis), got home around 10:00 AM and went to bed until noon.

Then instead of getting up and cleaning (because you know I came home to a dirty house), shopping (because you also know I came home to a house with no fresh food), and doing laundry (spoiler alert – there was plenty of that, that wasn’t mine too), I dragged my jet lagged ass to a country festival at the beach.

Of course I did.

Which is my very long-winded way of saying. I’m tired. Marley got home from work around 8:30 PM after a late Saturday night and a long shift Sunday and she’s tired.

Plus, WordPress has changed its format and I hate it and this post looks all wonky and I have given up caring. You get what you get and you don’t get upset, people. I do this for you (the five people who look forward to this post every year), but I can only do so much.

A special shout out and thank you to my friend Laurel and her daughter Lexi who texted me their comments last night. They were on point. (Marley and I might have to pass the torch to them soon.)

Okay. Enough of the blah blah blah. I present to you, my 2019 Emmy Red (Purple) Carpet Review.

**Carice Van Houten**
I hated this dress when I first saw it, but the more I look at it, I kind of think it looks like a piece of art. It’s original and I say yes.
Marley: It looks like someone who tried to make a modern art piece by following all the popular modern artists, but instead of getting into the Broad, they just got into their high school art show.
Laurel & Lexi: Hard No.

**Chloe Bridges**
Me: It’s pretty, but the leather texture of the bandeau and little flaps are just weird.
Marley: Honestly, I think it’s really pretty, but the things below the belt are a little weird. The look like gun holsters, but considering the gun laws in our country it makes sense. Very high school chic.

**Dascha Polanco**
She looks gorgeous, but that dress? Hard No.

Marley: Who made that dress and for what reason? It reminds me of an ugly white and pink bear some high school dude gives you for Valentine’s Day.

Laurel & Lexi: a one-year old’s birthday cake will be worn by the othrwise gorgeous Dascha Polanco. Pink is the new cake!

**Robin Weigert**
Me: Gorgeous. I love this dress.
Marley: I appreciate the style, but I think the pattern looks like it belongs in the pages of an adult coloring book for stressed out millennials.

Now how about some love (or some well deserved shade) for the awesome Game of Thrones ladies.

**Gwendoline Christie**
Me: Her hair and makeup look stunning, but is she confused? Did she think she was on set for the do-over last season of GOT?
Marley: She looks like a female pope.
Laurel and Lexi: Shame on you, Gucci!

**Maisie Williams**
Me: I love it.
Marley: Aw, she looks cute, but I hate that dress. Why is it uneven like that. Did her cat attack it?

**Emilia Clarke**
Me:Points for the pockets, but honestly the top of her dress looks like suspenders. Maybe she thought she was going to be on the cover of Playboy instead of going to an awards show.
Marley: It looks uncomfortable, like you can’t sit down or bend over because the top will just fall off.

**Sophie Turner**
Me: I think it’s pretty. I like the color and the details.
Marley: It’s pretty, but it looks like she can only waddle in it.
Laurel: It just looks ill-fitting to me.

**Lena Heady**
Me: I think it’s gorgeous. It’s the type of dress I would wear, actually.
Marley: Oh, why? It looks like wallpaper from the 40’s.

**Julia Garner**
Me: That is one ugly and unflattering dress. Hell to the no!
Marley: The sleeve is stupid and the cutout is weird. Who is this supposed to look good on?

And now, how about a shout out (or a shout at) to the ladies who wear pants.

**Angela Bassett**
Marley: I think it’s a terrible outfit. It’s prisoner orange and why does she have a lolipop purse? I don’t get it.
Me: Marley is wrong. This outfit is hot.
Laurel & Lexi: Outfit, yes! Clutch, not so much!

**Kerry Washington**
Marley: Is she a pirate or a waiter? That’s something you would wear to prom in the 80’s. Why?
Me: Once again, my darling daughter is wrong. Kerry looks fab.
Laurel & Lexi: Yes! Yes!

**Clea DuVall**
Me: Classic. I love it.
Marley: Simple. She looks nice. I don’t know what else to say about it.

**Samantha Bee**
Me: I’m neutral on this outfit, but those shoes? Oh how I wish I could wear shoes like that. I want them. If only to stare at them in my closet every day.
Marley: Every year someone wears a white tux and every year it’s still ugly.

**Melanie Liburd**
Charlene & Marley: Wedding dress on top. Tuxedo on bottom.
Marley: It’s 2019. If you can’t find a partner just marry yourself and wear that.

Pink and red – who wore it best?

**Taraji P. Henson**
Me: I’m 50-50 on this one. But I’ll tell you what, she looks gorgeous!
Marley: Why? It’s so ugly. She looks so pretty, but why would she want to be wearing that? It’s kind of a cape and the red is too orange to go with the pink.

**Susan Kelechi Watson**
Marley: My biggest problem with all these dresses are the sleeves. Calm down with the sleeves. It’s like designers don’t know how to make a dress different, so they just go crazy and make stupid sleeves.
Me: Marley is right. Take away those sleeves and that’s one gorgeous dress.

**Zoe Kazan**
Me: Did Gucci think they could do with a canopy bed cover what Scarlett O’Hara did with her drapes?
Marley: Deep sigh. Do I even need to say anything? Do I really need to? I think the terribleness of it just speaks for itself.
Laurel & Lexi: Hollywood royalty should not wear this. Again, shame on you, Gucci!
Me: No one should wear this, Laurel. No one should wear this.

**Marisa Tomei**
Marley: That’s so ugly. It looks like curtains.
Me: Wrong! This is how you red and pink!

**Mandy Moore**
The answer to the question above is Mandy. Marisa, you look gorgeous, but Mandy Moore wore it best.

And then there’s this…

**Vera Farmiga**
Marley: I think it’s really pretty. I don’t love the puffy sleeves, but I like the pattern.
Me: I am actually shocked Marley likes this. Even pink could not have saved this sad 1970’s wedding dress meets Little House on the Prairie in red.

And now the good…

**Sandra Oh**
Marley: Sandra looks gorgeous. She look amazing.
Me: Same
Laurel & Lexi: Sadra Oh looks gorgeous – it’s the right shade of pink for her.

**Julia Louis Dreyfus**
Me: Stunning
Marley: Classic. Beautiful. She always wears good dresses.

**Jameela Jamil**
Me: Beautiful. Love the color and the dress.
Marley: It’s not the worst. I don’t really like the color on her, but it’s simple and I like that.
Laurel & Lexi: Stunning. Surprised how much we love this color!

**MJ Rodriguez**
Me: Pretty in pink. I love it!
Marley: She looks great. The black bows make her waist look tiny.

**Gwyneth Paltrow & Brad Falchuk**
Me: Can I be honest? I am not a Gwyneth Paltrow fan. Goop is pretentious hipster poop. But I am big enough to admit that I love this dress and she looks absolutely gorgeous.
Marley: Other than the sleeves, which are dragging all over the floor and getting dirty, I like this dress. She looks really pretty.
Laurel & Lexi: The Paltrows look gorgeous. Black & white for the win!

**Jodie Comer**
Me: Beautiful
Marley. I love it. I like how the slits line up.
Laurel: She looks super sexy. I dream of her cleavage.

The bad…

**Indya Moore**
Me: She is beautiful, but everything about this dress is a hard no for me.
Marley: Nope. She’s actually brave to wear that, I feel like she’s going to be giving a show.
Laurel & Lexi: More fabric, less Star Trek next time. Such a gorgeous girl.

**Laverne Cox**
Me: Is that a sombrero sewn onto the shoulder of that dress?
Marley: She looks like a feather duster.
Laurel: Laverne Cox looks gorgeous!
Lexi: That dress is horrible, but she looks incredible.
So, I think we are all in agreeance – Laverne, you are one hot, gorgeous creature, but that dress is a hard no!

**Kristen Bell**
Me: She looks like a pharaoh. But also, I don’t hate it.
Marley: I hate it. I hate it so much. I like the creativity and think it had good intentions, but it doesn’t work for me.

**Amy Poehler**
Me: Oh, Amy. I love you so much, but seriously, girl. Just, no. This looks like a bad 1970’s disco reject. (Even that weird scarf is 1970’s.) I’m going to say it again – NO!
Marley: It’s so ugly. It’s trashy gold. And what is with that weird black scarf/untied neck tie?

Kendall Jenner
Sadly Marley missed this number, because I bet she would have had a lot to say about it. A whole lot.
I will just say this: As Kendall was walking down that long red (purple) carpet I bet she was wishing her dress didn’t have the pleather bondage turtle neck attached. Me too, Kendall. Me too.
Laurel & Lexi:

And the best of the best…

**Zendaya**
Me: Beyond stunning.
Marley: I think she looks really great. The dress looks like it was made for her. It makes her body look amazing.
Laurel & Lexi: Love it or leave it, Zendaya looks stunning tonight.

**Regina King**
Regina King can do no wrong. Stunning. Fabulous. Drop Dead Gorgeous. I love it, Love it, LOVE it!

**Phoebe Waller-Bridge**
Me: Hands down, favorite dress of the night.
Marley: At first I didn’t like it, but the more I look at it, I think it’s pretty. I really like the rose gold.

And now for the men…

**Lin Manuel Miranda**
Me: So handsome. Yes, please.
Marley: He’s wearing a suit. What about it. He looks like every boy at prom.

**Nikolaj Coster-Waldau**
Me: that jacket is ugly. But also Jamie Lanister is one of my hot fantasy boyfriends, so I don’t care.
Marley: Is he an Emmy?

**Mahershala Ali**
Me: He looks great.
Marley: I like the color. I think it looks good.

**Ru Paul**
Marley: You know, it’s terrible, but it’s Ru Paul, so he’s allowed.
Me: What Marley said.
Laurel & Lexi: Ru is pulling this off. How does he do it?

**Justin Hartley**
Me: Oh yeah!
Marley: He looks good. It’s nice to see a tux that isn’t black. That’s a great shade of blue.

**Steven Canals**
Me: Sigh…
Marley: Again, with the sleeves.

**Billy Porter**
Me: If you’re going to be fabulous, then I say be fabulous. Billy – you are fabulous!
Marley: Hey, instead of bad sleeves, they changed it for stupid long pants. It looks like a kid who went into his parents’ closet and tried on one of their pants. I’m not even going to comment on the hat.
Lexi & Laurel: Oh my!

And as always, unedited and likely with tons of mistakes (I mean in the way of grammar and typos – my opinions are spot on), that my friends, is a wrap.

Pictures lifted from here. (Thank you.)

My 2016 Snarky Emmy Awards Red Carpet Comments Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

September 19, 2016September 19, 2016 charleneaross10 Comments

You’re all so lucky. Today we have a guest commentator, my very own daughter, Marley Ross. Marley is even more qualified than I am to make snarky fashion comments, because even though she didn’t wear the same dress as seven other girls at her prom (but she’s only a junior and hasn’t gone to prom yet) she’s only sixteen, so she doesn’t mind being mean like I’m finding it more and more difficult to do.

And while it seems over the last few years there haven’t been that many fashion disasters, that was certainly not the case last night. In fact, IMHO (and Marley’s as well), much of last night’s red carpet was a complete and total shit show. (Except for Marley doesn’t say “shit” – at least not when her mother is around!)

So grab a cup of coffee (just be sure not to spit it at the screen when you read Marley’s comments), sit back, relax and enjoy this year’s Snarky Red Carpet Comments. (And forgive me for once again posting without editing. I hate bloggers who don’t edit, but I’ve got a day job people!)

Giuliana Ransic often makes my best dressed list, but not last night. As she hosts the red carpet show on E!, hers was the first dress I saw and all I could think was, WTF is she wearing? Her dress is pretty (though I don’t like the color), but it is ruined by that stupid cape. And her hair is in a messy ponytail that looks more appropriate for running errands than working the red carpet at an awards show.

Marley’s comments: She looks like skelator. The dress is pretty, but that cape. Why?

Our verdict: Lose the cape, fix your hair and eat one of those PBJs that Jimmy Kimmel’s mom made!

giuliana-rancic-emmy-awards-arrivals — Do yourself a huge favor and lose the cape, Giuliana!

Claire Danes looked pretty (I love her hair), but did she use Donald Trump’s spray tanner? Her skin almost matches her dress. I actually like her dress, but what is that weird gold necklace-y thing that seems to be attached?

Marley’s comments: She looks like an Emmy, an Oscar, a Golden Globe. (Well, I guess she was dressing the part.)

claire-danes-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — Time to find a new spray tanner, Claire.

Anna Chlumsky – WTF? Where do I begin with this mess of a dress? I almost forgive her because she had a baby three weeks ago, and God knows that three weeks after I had a baby I was no where near awards show ready (hell, it’s been 16 years since I had a baby and I’m nowhere near awards show ready), but this dress looks like a brocade potato sack.

Marley’s comments: Combo of a baby blanket and a grandma sweater.

anna-chlumsky-emmy-awards-2016 — Um… nope.

I love Connie Britton, but I do not love this dress. It’s just weird.

Marley’s comments: Um, what? She looks a poster girl for my geometry class.

co-nnie-brittonemmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — A geometry major designed this dress.

Amanda Peet was trending on Twitter last night because of all the shout outs she got from her husband, Game of Thrones co-creator, David Benioff, but I think she’ll be trending today because of this terrible dress.

Marley’s comments: Where did she get that? Charlie Brown’s closet.

amanda-peet-emmy-awards-2016

It looks like Carly Chaikin is wearing what her character Darlene would wear if she were going to the Emmy’s. She looks beautiful (oh to be that young and be able to pull off that much eye make-up) and I actually love the top of her dress, but there is too much going on with the bottom. If the bottom had been solid or maybe solid with those silver stripes it would have been gorgeous, but the sheer netting and the polka dots just turns this dress into a big ol’ mess.

Marley’s comments: That dress! I can’t put it into words. And I love her too. She’s so great and so pretty and and I hate that dress. When they asked her who she’s wearing she should say, “A mess.”

carly-chaikin-emmy-awards-red-carpet-2016

I was forever rooting for Lady Edith on Downton Abbey, but I cannot root for this godawful disaster of a dress that Laura Carmichael wore last night. It looks like she paired her favorite summer top with some leftover tulle. Did Lady Mary play a mean trick and switch out her real dress for this monstrosity?

Marley’s comments: Why? What happened? It looks like an Easter basket. It looks like spring nail polish you’d put on a little kid.

laura-carmichael-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — Easter barfed on this dress.

Gabby Hoffman looks like she’s wearing pajamas. The end.

Marley’s comments: She looks like she just woke up from a nap and is like, “Okay, Emmy’s time.”

gabby-hoffman-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — Nite Nite!

Supermodel & Project Runway star, Heidi Klum makes my worst dresses list every year (oh, the irony), and this year is no exception. If this dress was either long sleeves on both sides or spaghetti straps on both sides, it would be like Heidi: a 10. But why the asymmetrical mess? It does not make the dress interesting. It makes the dress stupid!

Marley’s comments: That dress is stupid and I think she was next in line for Donald Trump’s spray tanner.

heidi-klum-emmy-awards-2016 — Heidi Klum will always and forever be a 10, but this dress is more like a 3!

Alright, enough of the negativity and snark (at least from me anyway) – let’s get to the dress I thought were fabulous. First let’s get to the color yellow. (I almost felt like at any moment I would hear Jimmy Kimmel say, “The 2016 Emmy Awards, brought to you by the color yellow.”) I did not used to be a yellow fan, but lately I am loving it. Maybe because my current favorite top is yellow (you can see it here) or maybe because the current yellows are more bright and less chartreuse-y (which is a little to pukey green for my taste), but whatever it is, I’m digging it.

I have loved Minnie Driver since Circle of Friends and find her red carpet looks to always be beautiful and classic. I’m not sure about this dress. I want to love it more than I do. But she looks fabulous so I think I’ll give it the thumbs up. What do you think?

Marley’s comments: Nope. (I told you the snark was over only for me.)

minnie-driver-emmy-awards-2016

Taraji P. Henson looks gorgeous and this dress is FAB! For some reason she changed during the awards to present and even put on a wig (and I think she looked fabulous in that outfit too), but I think this red carpet look is stunning. Simplicity at its finest.

Marley’s comments: I love it! (See, she can be nice!)

taraji-p-henson-emmy-awards-red-carpet

Angela Bassett’s dress is leaning a little bit towards the chartreuse, but I still think it’s stunning. And so is she – her hair, her make-up, those earrings: love, Love, LOVE!

angela-bassett-emmy-awards-2016

The ladies in red also looked fabulous…

Kate McKinnon looks GORGEOUS! You can’t see them because of her hair, but there are little cutouts at the V of her dress that gives this simple red dress a little extra detail. That lipstick + that hair + that dress = Va Va Voom!

Marley’s comments: She is my favorite and she looks beautiful.

kate-mckinnon-emmy-awards-2016 — Gorgeous!

Tatiana Maslany: Marley and I agree – this was our favorite dress of the night! Sheer perfection. And as a side note, I am beyond thrilled that she won the Emmy for Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen it, you must. She plays eight or more characters and she is amazing!

tatiana-maslany-emmy-awards-2016 — Tatiana wins the Emmy for acting and the Red Carpet Award for fashion!

Tina Fey looked absolutely stunning in green. I loved everything about her dress and her look.

Marley’s comments: She looks pretty.

tina-fey-emmy-awards-red-carpet-2016 — Beautiful dress, gorgeous color and I love her hair!

The ladies dressed in neutral shades of nude, silver and white also looked beautiful.

Emilia Clarke looks stunning. I would be inclined to have her wear her hair down and would have added a necklace (because I like flowy hair and think everyone should wear a necklace always), but I think I would have been wrong. This look is the pure definition of “Less is More” and it is spectacular.

Marley’s comments: Mom, I like her hair up. She looks perfect.

emilia-clarke-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — This dress was a very close second.

While Julie Bowen is my current hair idol, she often misses the mark when it comes to the red carpet. But not last night. Last night she looked amazing and her dress was gorgeous.

Marley’s comments: The back of that dress is stupid. (Marley is wrong. The back of her dress was gorgeous.)

julie-bowen-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — Love the hair! Love the dress! Julie gets it right!

Giuliana Rancic and Heidi Klum take note: This is how you wear a ponytail to an awards show and this is how you wear asymmetrical. Sofia Vergara looks amazing (as always), plus she did eat one of the PBJs made by Jimmy Kimmel’s mom, so she gets an A+ in my book!

Marley’s comments: I don’t like it. It’s weird. Those things look like yogurt swirls. And not good yogurt swirls, like old fruit gone bad yogurt swirls.

sofia-vergara-2016-emmy-awards-red-carpet — Asymmetrical done right!

Felicity Huffman’s look was one of my favorites of the night. That hair! Those earrings! That dress! She just reeked of fabulousness!

Marley’s comments: I like it!

felicity-huffman-emmy-awards-red-carpet-eonline — One of the best looks of the night.

I loved Judith Light’s dress. Both classic and original. She looked fabulous.

Marley’s comments: Her dress looks like a striped disco ball. (Sixteen-year-old snarky fashion critiquers sometimes just don’t get it.)

judith-light-emmy-awards-2016 — I want to look like this when I’m 67!

I thought Anika Noni Rose’s dress was pretty and an original take on a Grecian style dress. And OMG – I remember when my waist used to be that tiny.

Marley’s comments: The top of her dress looks like a dream catcher.

anika-noni-rose-emmy-award-red-carpet

I had to google Annet Mahendru and Lucian Gibson to see who they were, but I just loved the beautiful simplicity of her dress. Gorgeous! But Lucian needs to google “how do dress at an awards show.”

Marley’s comments: Her dress looks unfinished (wrong, Marley – her dress is perfect!) and what is with that bag. It looks like it has a horse tail! (She might be right about that.)

annet-mahendru-lucian-gibson-emmy-awards-red-carpet

Kristen Bell’s look was one of my favorites of the night. Here hair and make-up look stunning (with just the perfect amount of spray tan – a lovely bronze with not one bit of orange) and I think her dress is amazing. Seriously, I want it!

Marley’s comments: That dress looks like a cornucopia!

kristen-bell-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — Love this dress! And Kristen said on the red carpet that it was really comfortable.

Allison Janey always looks gorgeous and last night was no exception. Damn I have to win the Lotto so I can hire her trainer. I loved her classic bun (a little to the side) and those earrings are spectacular.

Marley’s comments: Eh, it’s fine. (Sigh…)

allison-janney-emmy-awards-2016

There is only one word for Kerry Washington’s red carpet look: WOW! She looks a-maz-ing!

Marley’s comments: I love her dress except for the cape. Why is she wearing a cape? Who does she think she is? A super hero? She’s a mom! (Exactly, Marley. That makes her a super hero.)

kerry-washington-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — This is exactly what I looked like when I was pregnant. (Not!)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is another gorgeous lady that always seems to make my best-dressed list. This is how to wear a sheer dress.

Marley’s comments: I don’t like the polka dots. (Marley is not a polka dot fan.)

julia-louis-dreyfus-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016

And because I always like to end my list with a little bit of eye candy for the ladies, here you go:

kit-harington-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016 — Jon Snow cleans up pretty nicely!

Kit Harrington is my free pass too!

Marley’s comments: He’s pretty.

So what do you think? Did Marley and I get it right? Agree? Disagree? Anyone I missed? Let us know in the comments below.

Photo credits: E! Online, except for Felicity Huffman from nymag.com/thecut

Charlene Ross

Tag: Angela Bassett