My Snarky 2019 Emmy Red Carpet Comments

Can I let you in on a secret? You might think that because I’ve been writing this red carpet (that was actually purple this year) post for the last 10ish years, that I not only wait for the Emmy’s (Oscar’s and Golden Globe’s) every year with baited breath, but actually know when they are going to occur.

No.

I’m not that organized. In fact I didn’t know the Emmy’s were happening tonight until my husband and I were reading the Sunday paper and noticed a story about the Emmy’s on the cover of Parade Magazine.

Shit. Are those tonight?

Yup.

Because I really don’t have time for this. I just got back from an eight night one-third vacation, two-thirds business trip. I landed at LAX on Saturday at 8:30 AM (after waking up at 4:45 AM for a 7:00 AM flight from Indianapolis), got home around 10:00 AM and went to bed until noon.

Then instead of getting up and cleaning (because you know I came home to a dirty house), shopping (because you also know I came home to a house with no fresh food), and doing laundry (spoiler alert – there was plenty of that, that wasn’t mine too), I dragged my jet lagged ass to a country festival at the beach.

Of course I did.

Which is my very long-winded way of saying. I’m tired. Marley got home from work around 8:30 PM after a late Saturday night and a long shift Sunday and she’s tired.

Plus, WordPress has changed its format and I hate it and this post looks all wonky and I have given up caring. You get what you get and you don’t get upset, people. I do this for you (the five people who look forward to this post every year), but I can only do so much.

A special shout out and thank you to my friend Laurel and her daughter Lexi who texted me their comments last night. They were on point. (Marley and I might have to pass the torch to them soon.)

Okay. Enough of the blah blah blah. I present to you, my 2019 Emmy Red (Purple) Carpet Review.

Carice Van Houten
I hated this dress when I first saw it, but the more I look at it, I kind of think it looks like a piece of art. It’s original and I say yes.
Marley: It looks like someone who tried to make a modern art piece by following all the popular modern artists, but instead of getting into the Broad, they just got into their high school art show.
Laurel & Lexi: Hard No.
Chloe Bridges
Me: It’s pretty, but the leather texture of the bandeau and little flaps are just weird.
Marley: Honestly, I think it’s really pretty, but the things below the belt are a little weird. The look like gun holsters, but considering the gun laws in our country it makes sense. Very high school chic.

Dascha Polanco
She looks gorgeous, but that dress? Hard No.

Marley: Who made that dress and for what reason? It reminds me of an ugly white and pink bear some high school dude gives you for Valentine’s Day.

Laurel & Lexi: a one-year old’s birthday cake will be worn by the othrwise gorgeous Dascha Polanco. Pink is the new cake!
Robin Weigert
Me: Gorgeous. I love this dress.
Marley: I appreciate the style, but I think the pattern looks like it belongs in the pages of an adult coloring book for stressed out millennials.

Now how about some love (or some well deserved shade) for the awesome Game of Thrones ladies.

Gwendoline Christie
Me: Her hair and makeup look stunning, but is she confused? Did she think she was on set for the do-over last season of GOT?
Marley: She looks like a female pope.
Laurel and Lexi: Shame on you, Gucci!
Maisie Williams
Me: I love it.
Marley: Aw, she looks cute, but I hate that dress. Why is it uneven like that. Did her cat attack it?
Emilia Clarke
Me:Points for the pockets, but honestly the top of her dress looks like suspenders. Maybe she thought she was going to be on the cover of Playboy instead of going to an awards show.
Marley: It looks uncomfortable, like you can’t sit down or bend over because the top will just fall off.
Sophie Turner
Me: I think it’s pretty. I like the color and the details.
Marley: It’s pretty, but it looks like she can only waddle in it.
Laurel: It just looks ill-fitting to me.
Lena Heady
Me: I think it’s gorgeous. It’s the type of dress I would wear, actually.
Marley: Oh, why? It looks like wallpaper from the 40’s.

Julia Garner
Me: That is one ugly and unflattering dress. Hell to the no!
Marley: The sleeve is stupid and the cutout is weird. Who is this supposed to look good on?

And now, how about a shout out (or a shout at) to the ladies who wear pants.

Angela Bassett
Marley: I think it’s a terrible outfit. It’s prisoner orange and why does she have a lolipop purse? I don’t get it.
Me: Marley is wrong. This outfit is hot.
Laurel & Lexi: Outfit, yes! Clutch, not so much!
Kerry Washington
Marley: Is she a pirate or a waiter? That’s something you would wear to prom in the 80’s. Why?
Me: Once again, my darling daughter is wrong. Kerry looks fab.
Laurel & Lexi: Yes! Yes!

Clea DuVall
Me: Classic. I love it.
Marley: Simple. She looks nice. I don’t know what else to say about it.
Samantha Bee
Me: I’m neutral on this outfit, but those shoes? Oh how I wish I could wear shoes like that. I want them. If only to stare at them in my closet every day.
Marley: Every year someone wears a white tux and every year it’s still ugly.
Melanie Liburd
Charlene & Marley: Wedding dress on top. Tuxedo on bottom.
Marley: It’s 2019. If you can’t find a partner just marry yourself and wear that.

Pink and red – who wore it best?

Taraji P. Henson
Me: I’m 50-50 on this one. But I’ll tell you what, she looks gorgeous!
Marley: Why? It’s so ugly. She looks so pretty, but why would she want to be wearing that? It’s kind of a cape and the red is too orange to go with the pink.
Susan Kelechi Watson
Marley: My biggest problem with all these dresses are the sleeves. Calm down with the sleeves. It’s like designers don’t know how to make a dress different, so they just go crazy and make stupid sleeves.
Me: Marley is right. Take away those sleeves and that’s one gorgeous dress.
Zoe Kazan
Me: Did Gucci think they could do with a canopy bed cover what Scarlett O’Hara did with her drapes?
Marley: Deep sigh. Do I even need to say anything? Do I really need to? I think the terribleness of it just speaks for itself.
Laurel & Lexi: Hollywood royalty should not wear this. Again, shame on you, Gucci!
Me: No one should wear this, Laurel. No one should wear this.
Marisa Tomei
Marley: That’s so ugly. It looks like curtains.
Me: Wrong! This is how you red and pink!
Mandy Moore
The answer to the question above is Mandy. Marisa, you look gorgeous, but Mandy Moore wore it best.

And then there’s this…

Vera Farmiga
Marley: I think it’s really pretty. I don’t love the puffy sleeves, but I like the pattern.
Me: I am actually shocked Marley likes this. Even pink could not have saved this sad 1970’s wedding dress meets Little House on the Prairie in red.

And now the good…

Sandra Oh
Marley: Sandra looks gorgeous. She look amazing.
Me: Same
Laurel & Lexi: Sadra Oh looks gorgeous – it’s the right shade of pink for her.
Julia Louis Dreyfus
Me: Stunning
Marley: Classic. Beautiful. She always wears good dresses.
Jameela Jamil
Me: Beautiful. Love the color and the dress.
Marley: It’s not the worst. I don’t really like the color on her, but it’s simple and I like that.
Laurel & Lexi: Stunning. Surprised how much we love this color!
MJ Rodriguez
Me: Pretty in pink. I love it!
Marley: She looks great. The black bows make her waist look tiny.
Gwyneth Paltrow & Brad Falchuk
Me: Can I be honest? I am not a Gwyneth Paltrow fan. Goop is pretentious hipster poop. But I am big enough to admit that I love this dress and she looks absolutely gorgeous.
Marley: Other than the sleeves, which are dragging all over the floor and getting dirty, I like this dress. She looks really pretty.
Laurel & Lexi: The Paltrows look gorgeous. Black & white for the win!
Jodie Comer
Me: Beautiful
Marley. I love it. I like how the slits line up.
Laurel: She looks super sexy. I dream of her cleavage.

The bad…

Indya Moore
Me: She is beautiful, but everything about this dress is a hard no for me.
Marley: Nope. She’s actually brave to wear that, I feel like she’s going to be giving a show.
Laurel & Lexi: More fabric, less Star Trek next time. Such a gorgeous girl.
Laverne Cox
Me: Is that a sombrero sewn onto the shoulder of that dress?
Marley: She looks like a feather duster.
Laurel: Laverne Cox looks gorgeous!
Lexi: That dress is horrible, but she looks incredible.
So, I think we are all in agreeance – Laverne, you are one hot, gorgeous creature, but that dress is a hard no!
Kristen Bell
Me: She looks like a pharaoh. But also, I don’t hate it.
Marley: I hate it. I hate it so much. I like the creativity and think it had good intentions, but it doesn’t work for me.
Amy Poehler
Me: Oh, Amy. I love you so much, but seriously, girl. Just, no. This looks like a bad 1970’s disco reject. (Even that weird scarf is 1970’s.) I’m going to say it again – NO!
Marley: It’s so ugly. It’s trashy gold. And what is with that weird black scarf/untied neck tie?
Kendall Jenner
Sadly Marley missed this number, because I bet she would have had a lot to say about it. A whole lot.
I will just say this: As Kendall was walking down that long red (purple) carpet I bet she was wishing her dress didn’t have the pleather bondage turtle neck attached. Me too, Kendall. Me too.
Laurel & Lexi:

And the best of the best…

Zendaya
Me: Beyond stunning.
Marley: I think she looks really great. The dress looks like it was made for her. It makes her body look amazing.
Laurel & Lexi: Love it or leave it, Zendaya looks stunning tonight.
Regina King
Regina King can do no wrong. Stunning. Fabulous. Drop Dead Gorgeous. I love it, Love it, LOVE it!
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Me: Hands down, favorite dress of the night.
Marley: At first I didn’t like it, but the more I look at it, I think it’s pretty. I really like the rose gold.

And now for the men…

Lin Manuel Miranda
Me: So handsome. Yes, please.
Marley: He’s wearing a suit. What about it. He looks like every boy at prom.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Me: that jacket is ugly. But also Jamie Lanister is one of my hot fantasy boyfriends, so I don’t care.
Marley: Is he an Emmy?
Mahershala Ali
Me: He looks great.
Marley: I like the color. I think it looks good.
Ru Paul
Marley: You know, it’s terrible, but it’s Ru Paul, so he’s allowed.
Me: What Marley said.
Laurel & Lexi: Ru is pulling this off. How does he do it?
Justin Hartley
Me: Oh yeah!
Marley: He looks good. It’s nice to see a tux that isn’t black. That’s a great shade of blue.
Steven Canals
Me: Sigh…
Marley: Again, with the sleeves.
Billy Porter
Me: If you’re going to be fabulous, then I say be fabulous. Billy – you are fabulous!
Marley: Hey, instead of bad sleeves, they changed it for stupid long pants. It looks like a kid who went into his parents’ closet and tried on one of their pants. I’m not even going to comment on the hat.
Lexi & Laurel: Oh my!

And as always, unedited and likely with tons of mistakes (I mean in the way of grammar and typos – my opinions are spot on), that my friends, is a wrap.

Pictures lifted from here. (Thank you.)

My 2016 Snarky Emmy Awards Red Carpet Comments Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

You’re all so lucky. Today we have a guest commentator, my very own daughter, Marley Ross. Marley is even more qualified than I am to make snarky fashion comments, because even though she didn’t wear the same dress as seven other girls at her prom (but she’s only a junior and hasn’t gone to prom yet) she’s only sixteen, so she doesn’t mind being mean like I’m finding it more and more difficult to do.

And while it seems over the last few years there haven’t been that many fashion disasters, that was certainly not the case last night. In fact, IMHO (and Marley’s as well), much of last night’s red carpet was a complete and total shit show. (Except for Marley doesn’t say “shit” – at least not when her mother is around!)

So grab a cup of coffee (just be sure not to spit it at the screen when you read Marley’s comments), sit back, relax and enjoy this year’s Snarky Red Carpet Comments. (And forgive me for once again posting without editing. I hate bloggers who don’t edit, but I’ve got a day job people!)

Giuliana Ransic often makes my best dressed list, but not last night. As she hosts the red carpet show on E!, hers was the first dress I saw and all I could think was, WTF is she wearing? Her dress is pretty (though I don’t like the color), but it is ruined by that stupid cape. And her hair is in a messy ponytail that looks more appropriate for running errands than working the red carpet at an awards show.

Marley’s comments: She looks like skelator. The dress is pretty, but that cape. Why?

Our verdict: Lose the cape, fix your hair and eat one of those PBJs that Jimmy Kimmel’s mom made!

giuliana-rancic-emmy-awards-arrivals
Do yourself a huge favor and lose the cape, Giuliana!

Claire Danes looked pretty (I love her hair), but did she use Donald Trump’s spray tanner? Her skin almost matches her dress. I actually like her dress, but what is that weird gold necklace-y thing that seems to be attached?

Marley’s comments: She looks like an Emmy, an Oscar, a Golden Globe. (Well, I guess she was dressing the part.)

claire-danes-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Time to find a new spray tanner, Claire.

Anna Chlumsky – WTF? Where do I begin with this mess of a dress? I almost forgive her because she had a baby three weeks ago, and God knows that three weeks after I had a baby I was no where near awards show ready (hell, it’s been 16 years since I had a baby and I’m nowhere near awards show ready), but this dress looks like a brocade potato sack.

Marley’s comments: Combo of a baby blanket and a grandma sweater.

anna-chlumsky-emmy-awards-2016
Um… nope.

I love Connie Britton, but I do not love this dress. It’s just weird.

Marley’s comments: Um, what? She looks a poster girl for my geometry class.

co-nnie-brittonemmy-awards-arrivals-2016
A geometry major designed this dress.

Amanda Peet was trending on Twitter last night because of all the shout outs she got from her husband, Game of Thrones co-creator, David Benioff, but I think she’ll be trending today because of this terrible dress.

Marley’s comments: Where did she get that? Charlie Brown’s closet.

amanda-peet-emmy-awards-2016

It looks like Carly Chaikin is wearing what her character Darlene would wear if she were going to the Emmy’s. She looks beautiful (oh to be that young and be able to pull off that much eye make-up) and I actually love the top of her dress, but there is too much going on with the bottom. If the bottom had been solid or maybe solid with those silver stripes it would have been gorgeous, but the sheer netting and the polka dots just turns this dress into a big ol’ mess.

Marley’s comments: That dress! I can’t put it into words. And I love her too. She’s so great and so pretty and and I hate that dress. When they asked her who she’s wearing she should say, “A mess.”

 

carly-chaikin-emmy-awards-red-carpet-2016

I was forever rooting for Lady Edith on Downton Abbey, but I cannot root for this godawful disaster of a dress that Laura Carmichael wore last night. It looks like she paired her favorite summer top with some leftover tulle. Did Lady Mary play a mean trick and switch out her real dress for this monstrosity?

Marley’s comments: Why? What happened? It looks like an Easter basket. It looks like spring nail polish you’d put on a little kid.

laura-carmichael-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Easter barfed on this dress.

Gabby Hoffman looks like she’s wearing pajamas. The end.

Marley’s comments: She looks like she just woke up from a nap and is like, “Okay, Emmy’s time.”

gabby-hoffman-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Nite Nite!

 

Supermodel & Project Runway star, Heidi Klum makes my worst dresses list every year (oh, the irony), and this year is no exception. If this dress was either long sleeves on both sides or spaghetti straps on both sides, it would be like Heidi: a 10. But why the asymmetrical mess? It does not make the dress interesting. It makes the dress stupid!

Marley’s comments: That dress is stupid and I think she was next in line for Donald Trump’s spray tanner.

heidi-klum-emmy-awards-2016
Heidi Klum will always and forever be a 10, but this dress is more like a 3!

 

Alright, enough of the negativity and snark (at least from me anyway) – let’s get to the dress I thought were fabulous. First let’s get to the color yellow. (I almost felt like at any moment I would hear Jimmy Kimmel say, “The 2016 Emmy Awards, brought to you by the color yellow.”) I did not used to be a yellow fan, but lately I am loving it. Maybe because my current favorite top is yellow (you can see it here) or maybe because the current yellows are more bright and less chartreuse-y (which is a little to pukey green for my taste), but whatever it is, I’m digging it.

I have loved Minnie Driver since Circle of Friends and find her red carpet looks to always be beautiful and classic. I’m not sure about this dress. I want to love it more than I do. But she looks fabulous so I think I’ll give it the thumbs up. What do you think?

Marley’s comments: Nope. (I told you the snark was over only for me.)

minnie-driver-emmy-awards-2016

 

Taraji P. Henson looks gorgeous and this dress is FAB! For some reason she changed during the awards to present and even put on a wig (and I think she looked fabulous in that outfit too), but I think this red carpet look is stunning. Simplicity at its finest.

Marley’s comments: I love it! (See, she can be nice!)

taraji-p-henson-emmy-awards-red-carpet

Angela Bassett’s dress is leaning a little bit towards the chartreuse, but I still think it’s stunning. And so is she – her hair, her make-up, those earrings: love, Love, LOVE!

angela-bassett-emmy-awards-2016

 

The ladies in red also looked fabulous…

Kate McKinnon looks GORGEOUS! You can’t see them because of her hair, but there are little cutouts at the V of her dress that gives this simple red dress a little extra detail. That lipstick + that hair + that dress = Va Va Voom!

Marley’s comments: She is my favorite and she looks beautiful.

kate-mckinnon-emmy-awards-2016
Gorgeous!

 

Tatiana Maslany: Marley and I agree – this was our favorite dress of the night! Sheer perfection. And as a side note, I am beyond thrilled that she won the Emmy for Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen it, you must. She plays eight or more characters and she is amazing!

tatiana-maslany-emmy-awards-2016
Tatiana wins the Emmy for acting and the Red Carpet Award for fashion!

Tina Fey looked absolutely stunning in green. I loved everything about her dress and her look.

Marley’s comments: She looks pretty.

tina-fey-emmy-awards-red-carpet-2016
Beautiful dress, gorgeous color and I love her hair!

 

The ladies dressed in neutral shades of nude, silver and white also looked beautiful.

Emilia Clarke looks stunning. I would be inclined to have her wear her hair down and would have added a necklace (because I like flowy hair and think everyone should wear a necklace always), but I think I would have been wrong. This look is the pure definition of “Less is More” and it is spectacular.

Marley’s comments: Mom, I like her hair up. She looks perfect.

emilia-clarke-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
This dress was a very close second.

While Julie Bowen is my current hair idol, she often misses the mark when it comes to the red carpet. But not last night. Last night she looked amazing and her dress was gorgeous.

Marley’s comments: The back of that dress is stupid. (Marley is wrong. The back of her dress was gorgeous.)

julie-bowen-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Love the hair! Love the dress! Julie gets it right!

Giuliana Rancic and Heidi Klum take note: This is how you wear a ponytail to an awards show and this is how you wear asymmetrical. Sofia Vergara looks amazing (as always), plus she did eat one of the PBJs made by Jimmy Kimmel’s mom, so she gets an A+ in my book!

Marley’s comments: I don’t like it. It’s weird. Those things look like yogurt swirls. And not good yogurt swirls, like old fruit gone bad yogurt swirls.

sofia-vergara-2016-emmy-awards-red-carpet
Asymmetrical done right!

Felicity Huffman’s look was one of my favorites of the night. That hair! Those earrings! That dress! She just reeked of fabulousness!

Marley’s comments: I like it!

felicity-huffman-emmy-awards-red-carpet-eonline
One of the best looks of the night.

I loved Judith Light’s dress. Both classic and original. She looked fabulous.

Marley’s comments: Her dress looks like a striped disco ball. (Sixteen-year-old snarky fashion critiquers sometimes just don’t get it.)

judith-light-emmy-awards-2016
I want to look like this when I’m 67!

I thought Anika Noni Rose’s dress was pretty and an original take on a Grecian style dress. And OMG – I remember when my waist used to be that tiny.

Marley’s comments: The top of her dress looks like a dream catcher.

anika-noni-rose-emmy-award-red-carpet

 

I had to google Annet Mahendru and Lucian Gibson to see who they were, but I just loved the beautiful simplicity of her dress. Gorgeous! But Lucian needs to google “how do dress at an awards show.”

Marley’s comments: Her dress looks unfinished (wrong, Marley – her dress is perfect!) and what is with that bag. It looks like it has a horse tail! (She might be right about that.)

annet-mahendru-lucian-gibson-emmy-awards-red-carpet

 

Kristen Bell’s look was one of my favorites of the night. Here hair and make-up look stunning (with just the perfect amount of spray tan – a lovely bronze with not one bit of orange) and I think her dress is amazing. Seriously, I want it!

Marley’s comments: That dress looks like a cornucopia!

kristen-bell-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Love this dress! And Kristen said on the red carpet that it was really comfortable.

Allison Janey always looks gorgeous and last night was no exception. Damn I have to win the Lotto so I can hire her trainer. I loved her classic bun (a little to the side) and those earrings are spectacular.

Marley’s comments: Eh, it’s fine. (Sigh…)

allison-janney-emmy-awards-2016

 

There is only one word for Kerry Washington’s red carpet look: WOW! She looks a-maz-ing!

Marley’s comments: I love her dress except for the cape. Why is she wearing a cape? Who does she think she is? A super hero? She’s a mom! (Exactly, Marley. That makes her a super hero.)

kerry-washington-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
This is exactly what I looked like when I was pregnant. (Not!)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is another gorgeous lady that always seems to make my best-dressed list. This is how to wear a sheer dress.

Marley’s comments: I don’t like the polka dots. (Marley is not a polka dot fan.)

julia-louis-dreyfus-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016

 

And because I always like to end my list with a little bit of eye candy for the ladies, here you go:

kit-harington-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Jon Snow cleans up pretty nicely!

Kit Harrington is my free pass too!

Marley’s comments: He’s pretty.

So what do you think? Did Marley and I get it right? Agree? Disagree? Anyone I missed? Let us know in the comments below.

Photo credits: E! Online, except for Felicity Huffman from nymag.com/thecut