Miley Cyrus – Charlene Ross

Hello, friends! It’s that time of year – when I sit on my couch in my pjs giving my thumbs up or down on Hollywood glamour as if I were qualified to have an opinion on such matters.

Marley is busy tonight and was ~~unwilling~~ unable to help (though she did pipe in for a few on her way out the door) so to make up for her absence, I’ve decided to give this review in Gen Z speak. (For as long as I can manage, anyway.)

Glen Powell brought his parents instead of a date which is giving he needs a girlfriend vibes. He definitely has leading man engery and I volunteer as tribute to be his leading lady. 🌟🔥😃❤

Yes, you do get three pictures of Glen Powell. You’re welcome! (Marley said three pictures are not nearly enough. I concur!)

Kerry Washington is pretty in pink but that dress is definitely giving 1980’s prom. Flashback Queen! 👑🌟

Did Andrew Scott know he was coming to the Golden Globes because that monochrome suit is giving Easter egg energy. But I gotta say, even as a Pastel Prince, he slaps! 🐣💙 🔥

No hate to Glenn Close (because I love her so much), but this dress is giving 1983 Express clearance rack. Like, did she dig it out of the back of her closet or what? 💀✨

Anthony Ramos’s suit is straight up serving major Pee Wee Herman vibes. 🚲🧇✨

Demi Moore is giving Art Deco pleather couch. And it doesn’t look comfortable. Like, can she sit in that thing? But she looks gorgeous. Demi, girl. You are slaying it! 🔥✨

Timothy Chalamet out here serving major French waiter energy, like he’s already method-acting for his next role. 🥖🍷😂

Keira Knightley is giving 1960s velvet nightgown realness—like, it’s gorgeous but, are we at a red carpet or a retro sleepover? 😳✨

The Rock is definitely serving up hot and spicy main character energy. 🔥🌶♨

Ali Wong’s dress is giving me major conflict. Like, I want to love it but it’s giving crepe paper vibes. The black stockings are a nope. And those gloves? Double nope. I get the vision, but overall, it’s a meh from me. 💔👗

Angelina Jolie is somehow serving matronly and fire at the same time. (Definitely giving hot mama vibes. 🔥✨💖)

Zendaya is giving 1950’s Rita Hayworth Hollywood glam. Girl, that look is pure fire! 💄🔥✨

Miley Cyrus is straight-up serving rockstar total icon vibes. 🎸✨🔥

Tyler James Williams is giving 🔥🔥🔥

Marley’s commentary: Sir, where is your shirt? You left the house like that? That is dangerous. You know what you look like. Slut! It’s not fair to us with you walking around looking like that. How are we supposed to control ourselves? You are not going to make it home. (Translation – she’s a fan!)

Zoe Saldona having a hot girl moment with her leading lady energy. You are fire, girl. Slay! 🔥⚡

Jeremy Strong is giving Austin Powers meets Gucci Blossom. Yeah, baby! 🎩✨

Pass the Aqua Net. Nicole Kidman has big fake hair energy on full display. Does that wig come with a Bumpit? 👱‍♀️ (The dress is gorg, though!)

According to Marley, the shape of Cynthia Erivo’s dress is giving Liberty Bell and the pattern is giving couch.

And friends, I’m getting tired. This Gen Z speak is getting monotonous and my clever pithiness is running dry. I mean, how many times can you say, “It’s giving? or “It’s serving” Plus, Marley rolled her eyes at my descriptions and said she doesn’t know anyone who talks like that. (She has a lot of opinions for someone who refused to participate) So, in plain Gen X speak – if that stupid peplum shelf was removed from that dress it would be gorgeous, couch print or no couch print. (Though to me it’s giving more Spanish lace. Dammit – I can’t stop!)

(Also, I want those arms.)

Billy Crudup looks like he’s getting ready to audition for the new Colonel Sanders, and Naomi Watts’s dress is perfection until it gets to her knees. I’m trying to wrap my head around the pink disaster at the bottom of that dress. It’s causing confusion!😵🤷‍♀️

I don’t even know what to say about Ari Graynor’s dress except NO! (And that it is giving definite cat’s cradle vibes.) 😹

Is it just me or is Monica Barbaro’s dress completely seethrough and not seethrough at the same time? It’s kind of disorienting but also stunning. 🌟🌟

Quinta Bronson is crushing it with this super glam look. Gorgeous! The dress! The hair! I LOVE all of it!

To Ewon MacGregor I say, “Well, hello, Zaddy!” (And to his beautiful wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead, I say, you lucky B!)

Mindy Kaling looks fantastic, just stunning. She is glowing like a Golden Globe statue. A+++ 🏆🏆

Salma Hayek looks amazing in Gucci. Love her hair. The contrast of the green necklace is fab. She gets a triple 🔥🔥🔥

Welp, that does it for me. I hope this review was giving damn, she’s funny! 😉😂 I’d love to know what you think of my observations. Did I nail it or am I out of my mind?

Photos found on the interwebs here.

Last week I was offered two last minute tickets to KIIS FM’s Jingle Ball. Now most of the acts at Jingle Ball aren’t really my beatbox jam (that sounds way hipper than “cup of tea” right?) – Selena Gomez… Ariana Grande… Austin Mahone (who?)… Fifth Harmony (again, who?)… Miley Cyrus.

Actually most of the artists aren’t Marley’s beatbox jam either, but she likes Travie McCoy and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis and she looooves Miley Cyrus. (God help me.)

Oh what a mother will do to bring joy to her child.

(Plus Enrique Iglesias was going to be there. And he’s super-hot.)

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “That Charlene is such good mom to drive 90 minutes in traffic on a Friday night to go to downtown LA and sacrifice her poor eardrums to a nightful of banal pop music.”

And you’d be right.

Except you’re wrong. I am a bad mom. A very very bad mom.

Oh, don’t worry, I took her. But I probably shouldn’t have.

Marley had to be on the soccer field the next day at 7AM to play three (THREE!) soccer games at 8:00, 10:30 and 1:00 in her very first post-season championship soccer tournament.

Even with a full night’s sleep I was anticipating an “I’m too tired, I can’t run anymore” Marley meltdown around the third quarter of the second game. (She’s a rather lazy athlete.)

And all week long we’d been getting reminder emails from the (waaaay too enthusiastic) team mom and coach.

“Please make sure your girls are rested, fed and hydrated. They’ll need all their energy on Saturday!!!”

“For our Saturday games, we need to arrive no later than 7:00am in order to check in all the players. Please have an early night folks, and be sure to give the girls a good breakfast!”

(Like I, an adult woman, need to be reminded to put my kid to bed on time and feed her a proper breakfast before a very early morning three game soccer tournament.)

Well, apparently I do, because I’m sure that a good mother would have realized that as fun as the concert would be for her daughter, her daughter made a commitment to soccer and it was important that she get a good night’s rest before her tournament. She owed that to her teammates. Marley didn’t even have to know that we were offered the tickets, so she wouldn’t even have to be upset about it.

But I’m not a good mother. I’m a bad mother who wants my daughter to think I’m a good mother and love me for just five minutes of her miserable tortured angst-ridden hormonal teenage life.

(Plus did I mention that Enrique Iglesias was going to be there? And that he’s super hot?)

Enrique-Iglesias-concert — Look at that smile – so cute!

We had a talk. I told her that if I took her she would have to suck it up and over-perform on the soccer field no matter how tired she was. She nodded her head in agreement. She promised she would not complain and play her very very best.

And I was right. She was happy. And so sweet. And she loved me the most for five minutes. (Even though it was her father’s connection that got us the tickets.) She didn’t even complain when she ate dinner at home instead of paying double for the she-knows-how-bad-it-is-for-you-but-doesn’t-care-it’s-still-her-favorite-because-it’s-so-delicious McDonald’s at the Staples Center.

And we had a great time. I got through the lip syncing. And the bad music. The supposed war between Selena Gomez and Ariana Grande went right over my head. I very much enjoyed Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. (They rocked the house.) Enrique Iglesias did not disappoint. (I’m pretty sure he was singing only to me.) But I was not very impressed with Robin Thicke.

Neither was Marley.

thumbs down — Marley says Robin Thicke degrades women and she is not down with that!

I was incredibly impressed with New Politics. In fact, they were freaking amazing. (And super cute – Enrique who?) I’m definitely going to have to see them in concert for real. (Meaning where they play a full set instead of just two songs.) In the first place they are a real band who actually plays instruments and does not sing to track or pre-recorded music (a rarity in the Jingle Ball world). And secondly, the lead singer break dances! And is crazy good at it. Seriously, check this out (I promise it will put a smile on your face.)

Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, Miley did indeed twerk Santa Clause. (I love and want to keep my readers, so I will spare you a picture.)

We had a great time.

mom and daughter at concert — So much fun!

And got home at 12:45AM. I got to bed at 1:00. And got my ass out of bed four and a half hours later. I gave Marley an extra half hour. I’m sure that when the coach (and over enthusiastic team mom) said get “a good night’s sleep,” five hours wasn’t exactly what they had in mind.

But Marley got up without complaint. And totally stepped it up on the soccer field. (Even though the first game it was raining – hard. And the second and third games were just cold. Like 40 degree cold. And we’re from California so that’s like 20 degrees to us.)

She actually played better than she’s ever played before.

Maybe I’m not such a bad mom after all.

Oh… and one last thing. Can the owner of this camera get in touch with me immediately? (Please!)

Enrique Iglesias photos credit: Eva Rinaldi via Creative Commons.

Charlene Ross

Tag: Miley Cyrus

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