My 2016 Snarky Emmy Awards Red Carpet Comments Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

You’re all so lucky. Today we have a guest commentator, my very own daughter, Marley Ross. Marley is even more qualified than I am to make snarky fashion comments, because even though she didn’t wear the same dress as seven other girls at her prom (but she’s only a junior and hasn’t gone to prom yet) she’s only sixteen, so she doesn’t mind being mean like I’m finding it more and more difficult to do.

And while it seems over the last few years there haven’t been that many fashion disasters, that was certainly not the case last night. In fact, IMHO (and Marley’s as well), much of last night’s red carpet was a complete and total shit show. (Except for Marley doesn’t say “shit” – at least not when her mother is around!)

So grab a cup of coffee (just be sure not to spit it at the screen when you read Marley’s comments), sit back, relax and enjoy this year’s Snarky Red Carpet Comments. (And forgive me for once again posting without editing. I hate bloggers who don’t edit, but I’ve got a day job people!)

Giuliana Ransic often makes my best dressed list, but not last night. As she hosts the red carpet show on E!, hers was the first dress I saw and all I could think was, WTF is she wearing? Her dress is pretty (though I don’t like the color), but it is ruined by that stupid cape. And her hair is in a messy ponytail that looks more appropriate for running errands than working the red carpet at an awards show.

Marley’s comments: She looks like skelator. The dress is pretty, but that cape. Why?

Our verdict: Lose the cape, fix your hair and eat one of those PBJs that Jimmy Kimmel’s mom made!

giuliana-rancic-emmy-awards-arrivals
Do yourself a huge favor and lose the cape, Giuliana!

Claire Danes looked pretty (I love her hair), but did she use Donald Trump’s spray tanner? Her skin almost matches her dress. I actually like her dress, but what is that weird gold necklace-y thing that seems to be attached?

Marley’s comments: She looks like an Emmy, an Oscar, a Golden Globe. (Well, I guess she was dressing the part.)

claire-danes-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Time to find a new spray tanner, Claire.

Anna Chlumsky – WTF? Where do I begin with this mess of a dress? I almost forgive her because she had a baby three weeks ago, and God knows that three weeks after I had a baby I was no where near awards show ready (hell, it’s been 16 years since I had a baby and I’m nowhere near awards show ready), but this dress looks like a brocade potato sack.

Marley’s comments: Combo of a baby blanket and a grandma sweater.

anna-chlumsky-emmy-awards-2016
Um… nope.

I love Connie Britton, but I do not love this dress. It’s just weird.

Marley’s comments: Um, what? She looks a poster girl for my geometry class.

co-nnie-brittonemmy-awards-arrivals-2016
A geometry major designed this dress.

Amanda Peet was trending on Twitter last night because of all the shout outs she got from her husband, Game of Thrones co-creator, David Benioff, but I think she’ll be trending today because of this terrible dress.

Marley’s comments: Where did she get that? Charlie Brown’s closet.

amanda-peet-emmy-awards-2016

It looks like Carly Chaikin is wearing what her character Darlene would wear if she were going to the Emmy’s. She looks beautiful (oh to be that young and be able to pull off that much eye make-up) and I actually love the top of her dress, but there is too much going on with the bottom. If the bottom had been solid or maybe solid with those silver stripes it would have been gorgeous, but the sheer netting and the polka dots just turns this dress into a big ol’ mess.

Marley’s comments: That dress! I can’t put it into words. And I love her too. She’s so great and so pretty and and I hate that dress. When they asked her who she’s wearing she should say, “A mess.”

 

carly-chaikin-emmy-awards-red-carpet-2016

I was forever rooting for Lady Edith on Downton Abbey, but I cannot root for this godawful disaster of a dress that Laura Carmichael wore last night. It looks like she paired her favorite summer top with some leftover tulle. Did Lady Mary play a mean trick and switch out her real dress for this monstrosity?

Marley’s comments: Why? What happened? It looks like an Easter basket. It looks like spring nail polish you’d put on a little kid.

laura-carmichael-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Easter barfed on this dress.

Gabby Hoffman looks like she’s wearing pajamas. The end.

Marley’s comments: She looks like she just woke up from a nap and is like, “Okay, Emmy’s time.”

gabby-hoffman-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Nite Nite!

 

Supermodel & Project Runway star, Heidi Klum makes my worst dresses list every year (oh, the irony), and this year is no exception. If this dress was either long sleeves on both sides or spaghetti straps on both sides, it would be like Heidi: a 10. But why the asymmetrical mess? It does not make the dress interesting. It makes the dress stupid!

Marley’s comments: That dress is stupid and I think she was next in line for Donald Trump’s spray tanner.

heidi-klum-emmy-awards-2016
Heidi Klum will always and forever be a 10, but this dress is more like a 3!

 

Alright, enough of the negativity and snark (at least from me anyway) – let’s get to the dress I thought were fabulous. First let’s get to the color yellow. (I almost felt like at any moment I would hear Jimmy Kimmel say, “The 2016 Emmy Awards, brought to you by the color yellow.”) I did not used to be a yellow fan, but lately I am loving it. Maybe because my current favorite top is yellow (you can see it here) or maybe because the current yellows are more bright and less chartreuse-y (which is a little to pukey green for my taste), but whatever it is, I’m digging it.

I have loved Minnie Driver since Circle of Friends and find her red carpet looks to always be beautiful and classic. I’m not sure about this dress. I want to love it more than I do. But she looks fabulous so I think I’ll give it the thumbs up. What do you think?

Marley’s comments: Nope. (I told you the snark was over only for me.)

minnie-driver-emmy-awards-2016

 

Taraji P. Henson looks gorgeous and this dress is FAB! For some reason she changed during the awards to present and even put on a wig (and I think she looked fabulous in that outfit too), but I think this red carpet look is stunning. Simplicity at its finest.

Marley’s comments: I love it! (See, she can be nice!)

taraji-p-henson-emmy-awards-red-carpet

Angela Bassett’s dress is leaning a little bit towards the chartreuse, but I still think it’s stunning. And so is she – her hair, her make-up, those earrings: love, Love, LOVE!

angela-bassett-emmy-awards-2016

 

The ladies in red also looked fabulous…

Kate McKinnon looks GORGEOUS! You can’t see them because of her hair, but there are little cutouts at the V of her dress that gives this simple red dress a little extra detail. That lipstick + that hair + that dress = Va Va Voom!

Marley’s comments: She is my favorite and she looks beautiful.

kate-mckinnon-emmy-awards-2016
Gorgeous!

 

Tatiana Maslany: Marley and I agree – this was our favorite dress of the night! Sheer perfection. And as a side note, I am beyond thrilled that she won the Emmy for Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen it, you must. She plays eight or more characters and she is amazing!

tatiana-maslany-emmy-awards-2016
Tatiana wins the Emmy for acting and the Red Carpet Award for fashion!

Tina Fey looked absolutely stunning in green. I loved everything about her dress and her look.

Marley’s comments: She looks pretty.

tina-fey-emmy-awards-red-carpet-2016
Beautiful dress, gorgeous color and I love her hair!

 

The ladies dressed in neutral shades of nude, silver and white also looked beautiful.

Emilia Clarke looks stunning. I would be inclined to have her wear her hair down and would have added a necklace (because I like flowy hair and think everyone should wear a necklace always), but I think I would have been wrong. This look is the pure definition of “Less is More” and it is spectacular.

Marley’s comments: Mom, I like her hair up. She looks perfect.

emilia-clarke-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
This dress was a very close second.

While Julie Bowen is my current hair idol, she often misses the mark when it comes to the red carpet. But not last night. Last night she looked amazing and her dress was gorgeous.

Marley’s comments: The back of that dress is stupid. (Marley is wrong. The back of her dress was gorgeous.)

julie-bowen-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Love the hair! Love the dress! Julie gets it right!

Giuliana Rancic and Heidi Klum take note: This is how you wear a ponytail to an awards show and this is how you wear asymmetrical. Sofia Vergara looks amazing (as always), plus she did eat one of the PBJs made by Jimmy Kimmel’s mom, so she gets an A+ in my book!

Marley’s comments: I don’t like it. It’s weird. Those things look like yogurt swirls. And not good yogurt swirls, like old fruit gone bad yogurt swirls.

sofia-vergara-2016-emmy-awards-red-carpet
Asymmetrical done right!

Felicity Huffman’s look was one of my favorites of the night. That hair! Those earrings! That dress! She just reeked of fabulousness!

Marley’s comments: I like it!

felicity-huffman-emmy-awards-red-carpet-eonline
One of the best looks of the night.

I loved Judith Light’s dress. Both classic and original. She looked fabulous.

Marley’s comments: Her dress looks like a striped disco ball. (Sixteen-year-old snarky fashion critiquers sometimes just don’t get it.)

judith-light-emmy-awards-2016
I want to look like this when I’m 67!

I thought Anika Noni Rose’s dress was pretty and an original take on a Grecian style dress. And OMG – I remember when my waist used to be that tiny.

Marley’s comments: The top of her dress looks like a dream catcher.

anika-noni-rose-emmy-award-red-carpet

 

I had to google Annet Mahendru and Lucian Gibson to see who they were, but I just loved the beautiful simplicity of her dress. Gorgeous! But Lucian needs to google “how do dress at an awards show.”

Marley’s comments: Her dress looks unfinished (wrong, Marley – her dress is perfect!) and what is with that bag. It looks like it has a horse tail! (She might be right about that.)

annet-mahendru-lucian-gibson-emmy-awards-red-carpet

 

Kristen Bell’s look was one of my favorites of the night. Here hair and make-up look stunning (with just the perfect amount of spray tan – a lovely bronze with not one bit of orange) and I think her dress is amazing. Seriously, I want it!

Marley’s comments: That dress looks like a cornucopia!

kristen-bell-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Love this dress! And Kristen said on the red carpet that it was really comfortable.

Allison Janey always looks gorgeous and last night was no exception. Damn I have to win the Lotto so I can hire her trainer. I loved her classic bun (a little to the side) and those earrings are spectacular.

Marley’s comments: Eh, it’s fine. (Sigh…)

allison-janney-emmy-awards-2016

 

There is only one word for Kerry Washington’s red carpet look: WOW! She looks a-maz-ing!

Marley’s comments: I love her dress except for the cape. Why is she wearing a cape? Who does she think she is? A super hero? She’s a mom! (Exactly, Marley. That makes her a super hero.)

kerry-washington-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
This is exactly what I looked like when I was pregnant. (Not!)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is another gorgeous lady that always seems to make my best-dressed list. This is how to wear a sheer dress.

Marley’s comments: I don’t like the polka dots. (Marley is not a polka dot fan.)

julia-louis-dreyfus-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016

 

And because I always like to end my list with a little bit of eye candy for the ladies, here you go:

kit-harington-emmy-awards-arrivals-2016
Jon Snow cleans up pretty nicely!

Kit Harrington is my free pass too!

Marley’s comments: He’s pretty.

So what do you think? Did Marley and I get it right? Agree? Disagree? Anyone I missed? Let us know in the comments below.

Photo credits: E! Online, except for Felicity Huffman from nymag.com/thecut

My 2015 Snarky Emmy Awards Red Carpet Comments Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

I have to admit, I feel like a bit of a fraud. I missed the Emmy’s Red Carpet shows yesterday. I know…

I know!

There was a snafu with our DVR that is just too convoluted to explain and when I sat down with my laptop ready to snark I found myself staring at the Kardashians. WTF?! It was like my worst nightmare come true. Thank god for freezer vodka!

Of course I watched the awards. But there is something about the red carpet – you can see the dresses so much better. Not everyone wins (obviously) or presents and it’s impossible to get a good look at a dress when someone’s sitting in a theater chair. Even if they have an aisle seat. Plus it was 90+ degrees yesterday. I was hoping to see if the celebrities were actually real people and, you know, sweat.

So I had to find all my red carpet looks online. I mean, sure I steal borrow the photos from online sources (thank you nymag.com), but only after watching the red carpet show to see what looks work and what looks don’t. And remember, I’m qualified to know this because I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my prom. So that obviously means I have excellent taste.

So without further adieu, my snarky red carpet comments…

Heidi Klum. What is there to say except, Heidi, you always make it easy for me. The dress is credited to Vercase, but it looks more like a Project Runway design that was only half finished when the challenge time was up.

HeidiKlum-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Pssst… Heidi, you’re still a 10, but that dress is a 0!

 

Anna Chlumsky. We all fell in love with Anna when she was eleven years old and stared in My Girl with Macaulay Culkin. It looks like she kept her same hairdresser from 1991. That over-the-head braid? Nope! Not sure how I feel about this dress. It’s interesting. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either.

Anna-Chlumsky-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Anna Chlumsky in a cute-ish dress ruined by a bad ‘do

 

Zoe Kazan. I did not see Olive Kitteridge (though it has been in my DVR queue for nine months – unless it’s been Kardashianed), and I’m sure she is a wonderful actress, but this dress makes my eyes hurt. It’s a good thing I don’t have epilepsy, it might have caused a seizure.

 

 

Paul-Dano-and-Zoe-Kazan-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan. Ouch Zoe – you’re hurting my eyes!

 

Ellie Kemper. You’re adorable. This dress? Hmmm… if you cut it to cocktail length it would be super cute to wear to a wedding. Hell, if it was short I’d wear it to work if I was shorter and not sequiny. But to the Emmy’s? I have to say no.

Ellie-Kemper-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Cute at a wedding, but not at the Emmy’s!

 

Alan Cumming. I love Alan Cumming, but WTF? It looks like he didn’t get to the tailor in time and had to wear pants straight off the rack that are about five inches too long for him (and about two sizes too big). This suit makes you wonder if he took a limo to the ceremony or a clown car.

Alan-Cumming-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Alan, you’re tailor is calling!

January Jones. When I first saw this photo I was confused. Is that a slit in her dress? Nope, it’s a pantsuit. (You see, this is where the television broadcast of the red carpet would have come in so handy.) I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m not opposed to pants. It’s not the Oscar’s after all. But… I just don’t know. I would be a super-cute outfit for a GNO. And her hair looks fab.

January-Jones-photo-by-John-Shearer
You look beautiful January, but did you steal that pantsuit from 1976?

 

Okay, I’m getting old, which makes me tired. Not sleepy tired, tired of being mean. I like to be nice. Plus Amy Schumer, who I love and adore and can do no wrong, called me out on live TV when she said, “people on the internet make fun of what you wear” when she was presenting with Amy Poehler. I mean, she had to be talking about me. Right? Well, Amy I think you looked fab. And that smokey eye was gorgeous!

Amy-Schumer-photo-by-Dan-Steinberg
Amy, you’re the bomb!

 

Allison Janney. I loved her dress. This is a 55-year old woman, people and she looks freaking awesome! How many hours a day does she work on that bod? And even more importantly, who is the hot dude she was with? Is that her boyfriend? You go, Allison! You go! And as always when she wins (which is often because she’s so awesome), she is just so gracious and lovely and full of love and respect for her fellow actors in her category. She is a true class act.

allison-janney-and-hot-boyfriend
You go, girl!

 

Regina King. This is one of my favorite dresses of the night. What you can’t see in the photo (and what would have been nice to have seen on the red carpet) is the way it swings when she walks. It’s so feminine and flattering and very 1950’s. This is my favorite style of dress. I love it!

Regina-King-photo-by-Frazer-Harrison
Classically beautiful

Aubrey Plaza. This is how you do sexy. A plunging neckline and high slit, yet still understated. Simply elegant. I love this dress.

Aubrey-Plaza-photo-by-Frazer-Harrison
Stunning!

 

Niecy Nash. I loved this dress as well. Gorgeous color and incredibly flattering. I think it’s gorgeous.

Niecy-Nash-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Gorgeous!

 

Kerry Washington. Jennifer Lopez needs to call Kerry Washington’s stylist. This is how to wear a see-through dress in a stylish and classy way. This dress is beautiful and sexy and just the right amount of va-va-voom!

Kerry-Washington-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Kerry Washington is sexy and stunning!

 

Ariel Winter and Sarah Hyland. I thought the Modern Family sisters looked beautiful. It’s so nice to see young women dressing classy instead of trashy. Oh crap, did I just say that? I am getting old. I think it’s time to stop.

Ariel-Winter-and-Sarah-Hyland
These girls look lovely!

 

Except for…

Sofia Vergara. Sofia always looks so pretty at awards shows (and well, everywhere). But that arm candy she brought with her? Even stunninger! (Yes, I know that’s not a word – I said it was time for me to stop!)

Sofia-Vergara-and-Joe-Manganiello-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Move over Brad and Angie, these two might just be the most beautiful people in the world!

 

And lastly, the Emmy’s are always kind of a bummer for me because as much as I love TV (and I do), there is no Bradley Cooper. This year Nikolaj Coster-Waldau made me feel better about that. A lot better.

Nikolaj-Coster-Waldau-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Bradley who?

 

What did I miss? Who did you love (or hate) at the Emmy’s? I want to know!

*Photo credits: All photos from nymag.com except for the photo of Allison Janney and hot boyfriend from people.com