Hello, Friends! It’s that time of year again, where my daughter Marley and I sit home unshowered in our plaid pajama bottoms and cozy fuzzy tops and judge the glamorous people for their stylist’s fashion choices. Enjoy!
Me: Pretty in pink perfection
Marley: I don’t think Barbie would ever wear a shawl that looks that cheap.
Marley: I think the top half is like if you had to wear overalls to a sweet sixteen.
Me: I too, am not a fan of the overall-type top half of this dress.
Me: The dress is gorgeous. This 50’s fit and flare style is my favorite to wear (acentuates the good parts and hides the bad) and I think this dress is just stunning. Rosamund Pike has no bad parts to hide. except for that funeral veil. That thing has got to go.
Marley: I think she looks like if the Queen of Hearts had an emo phase – we’ve all been there.
Me: I always say that I want to look like Helen Mirren when I am her age. I think she is just stunning. However, I have to say, I am not a fan of this look. Her hair is too severe, that lavendar is too juvenile, and those sleeves are just no. Sorry, my beautiful Helen, this look is just not for me.
Marley: That jacket just eats her up and I think she would look so much better without it. I can barely tell where the jacket stops and the dress begins.
Me: Now this shade of lavendar works. This dress is very Elizabeth Zott and I think Brie knocked it out of the park. (Sorry, KTP #IYKYK)
Marley: Brie Larsen is absolutely perfect in every way, I think she wins the best dressed of the night.
Me: Times Person of the Year wears the Golden Globes Dress of the Year. Taylor wins again.
Marley: I begrudgingly like this dress, that is all I will say.
Me: Oprah looks fantastic but I am honestly now wowed by this dress. It’s fine. Very pretty. Nothing spectacular or offensive. (I believe this is what the kids call mid.)
Marley: Very accurate use of the word mid! I like the depth the texture adds, but it really is just alright.
Me: I think this dress is just gorgeous but I also think that Emma is too pale for the color and it washes her out. But it truly is such a gorgeous dress.
Marley: I love the color and how it makes the dress almost disappear against her skin, it makes everything so uniform.
Me: While this dress is a lot and I am usually not a fan of Heidi’s runway looks, I think this dress is beautiful though I would like it a lot more without the Angelina Jolie leg slit. The red satin fabric is just stunning.
Marley: I personally love the leg slit, and Heidi is usually my favorite for Halloween looks, this is in my top three of the night.
Me: Just no. I’m not saying that Billie Elish has to be a glamour-puss. I know that’s not her vibe. But this school marm meets David Burne big suit meets whatever is going on on her head is just not for me.
Marley: I am obsessed with her hair and this is something I can totally see myself wearing to a red carpet. Billie has always chosen looks that hide her body to avoid comments on it and I think it allows her to have more fun and experiment more with fashion.
Me: This dress looks like Barbarella dressing up to go to the ball. The only things missing are her space age gun and her go-go boots.
Marley: I hate that thing on her shoulder. I hate the way the dress is really a romper (that more looks like a sparkly diaper). I hate that the romper is then covered with this ugly, cheap looking tulle. I hate this so much, sorry Kate.
Me: Art Deco spectacularlessness! 1,000% yes!
Marley: I love the color and it’s so nice to see something truly unique.
Me: I love Selena Gomez and am a huge fan of Only Murders in the Building but I’m sorry, girlfriend. This dress looks like an asymetrical ballerina toy soldier. It’s a no for me.
Marley: She looks so uncomfortable in this dress and I feel as though she will never be able to sit down in it.
Me: Well, if it was 1983 and I was at my high school prom, I would love this dress, but it’s not, so I don’t. I mean seriously, did she jump in the Back to the Future DeLoreon and shop off the rack at Windsor Fashion for this dress?
Marley: Does her stylist just not like her?
Me: I don’t understand the Batman ear situation going on here. Is she trying to keep people from hugging her? Because if they do, they may become impaled on those things.
Marley: Maybe she’s trying to keep birds from perching on her shoulders? Or it’s where the heads of her fellow nominees will go, to show her domination?
Me: This is elegant simplicity at its finest. The cut, the length, the train, the shoes, and the back that you cannot see in this photo. Perfection! And if you did not see her acceptance speech, do yourself a favor and watch it here. Because, #1, she is freaking adorable and #2 she thanked her manager and agent’s assistants. And as a former entertainment industry assitant, I thank you, Ayo. I thank you.
Marley: I think the dress is just a little too boxy and the train seems like an afterthought. Not a huge fan.
Charlene: Elegent. Beautiful. Spectacular. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Tay-Tay, you’ve got yourself some dress competition.
Marley: Quinta wins second best dressed for the night, and if anybody else but Brie Larsen was wearing her dress it would be Quinta that is #1.
Me: #1 His reds do not match. #2 Uh sir, my champagne glass is empty. Can you please refill it?
Marley: This is why we don’t let men dress themselves.
Me: Yes, please. More of this!
Marley: I wish men tried more, but then we would have maroon on red so maybe the simple look is best.
Me: And also more of this!
Marley: I would want him in my jury pool!
Me: All I can say about this look is, it is very Timothée Chalamet. And for him, it works.
Marley: I love the jacket and the lack of tie, this is how more men should be dressing in my opinion.
Me: Va-va-voom! To be honest, this dress isn’t my style, but also, my girl Hannah definitely pulls it off. I mean she is so damn sexy. Can I just say the elephant in the room? Hannah Wadingham does not have the body of the “typical Hollywood actress.” And how fabulous. She is tall. She is curvy. She is fit. (I would kill for her arms.) And she is sexy AF. I love her so much.
Marley: I want to look exactly like her when I grow up. I mean, she looks like Marilyn Monroe! I am also obsessed with that dress and wish I had the hips to pull it off.
Me: This dress confuses me.
Marley: I could see myself wearing it but I think it isn’t the right fit for a red carpet.
Me: to be honest, I think the dress itself is kind of boring. And that wrap is just too much. It looks like it was stolen from a Rose Parade float.
Marley: Please. Stop. Adding. Oversized. Flowers. To. The. ARMS! Either have normal sleeves or just show your arms!!!!! God she’s too pretty to be in a dress like that.
Me: This dress would be just a typical pretty dress that looks like a wedding dress, TBH, but zoom in, my friends, and you will see that she has vaginas stiched into the fabric. Fabulous! A+++
Marley: My only complaint is that the stitching on her dress was also in white and not a more bold color.
Well, my friends. That’s a wrap (and not the kind with Rose Parade flowers!). What did you think? What did we get right (other than everything) and what did we get wrong (other than nothing!)? And what looks did we miss? See you back here in two months for the Academy Awards Red Carpet with (almost) all of the same people and new looks to praise or pan.
Photos lifted from here. (Thank you so much, People Magazine!)
Charlene Ross 