Angelina Jolie – Charlene Ross

Hello, friends! It’s that time of year – when I sit on my couch in my pjs giving my thumbs up or down on Hollywood glamour as if I were qualified to have an opinion on such matters.

Marley is busy tonight and was ~~unwilling~~ unable to help (though she did pipe in for a few on her way out the door) so to make up for her absence, I’ve decided to give this review in Gen Z speak. (For as long as I can manage, anyway.)

Glen Powell brought his parents instead of a date which is giving he needs a girlfriend vibes. He definitely has leading man engery and I volunteer as tribute to be his leading lady. 🌟🔥😃❤

Yes, you do get three pictures of Glen Powell. You’re welcome! (Marley said three pictures are not nearly enough. I concur!)

Kerry Washington is pretty in pink but that dress is definitely giving 1980’s prom. Flashback Queen! 👑🌟

Did Andrew Scott know he was coming to the Golden Globes because that monochrome suit is giving Easter egg energy. But I gotta say, even as a Pastel Prince, he slaps! 🐣💙 🔥

No hate to Glenn Close (because I love her so much), but this dress is giving 1983 Express clearance rack. Like, did she dig it out of the back of her closet or what? 💀✨

Anthony Ramos’s suit is straight up serving major Pee Wee Herman vibes. 🚲🧇✨

Demi Moore is giving Art Deco pleather couch. And it doesn’t look comfortable. Like, can she sit in that thing? But she looks gorgeous. Demi, girl. You are slaying it! 🔥✨

Timothy Chalamet out here serving major French waiter energy, like he’s already method-acting for his next role. 🥖🍷😂

Keira Knightley is giving 1960s velvet nightgown realness—like, it’s gorgeous but, are we at a red carpet or a retro sleepover? 😳✨

The Rock is definitely serving up hot and spicy main character energy. 🔥🌶♨

Ali Wong’s dress is giving me major conflict. Like, I want to love it but it’s giving crepe paper vibes. The black stockings are a nope. And those gloves? Double nope. I get the vision, but overall, it’s a meh from me. 💔👗

Angelina Jolie is somehow serving matronly and fire at the same time. (Definitely giving hot mama vibes. 🔥✨💖)

Zendaya is giving 1950’s Rita Hayworth Hollywood glam. Girl, that look is pure fire! 💄🔥✨

Miley Cyrus is straight-up serving rockstar total icon vibes. 🎸✨🔥

Tyler James Williams is giving 🔥🔥🔥

Marley’s commentary: Sir, where is your shirt? You left the house like that? That is dangerous. You know what you look like. Slut! It’s not fair to us with you walking around looking like that. How are we supposed to control ourselves? You are not going to make it home. (Translation – she’s a fan!)

Zoe Saldona having a hot girl moment with her leading lady energy. You are fire, girl. Slay! 🔥⚡

Jeremy Strong is giving Austin Powers meets Gucci Blossom. Yeah, baby! 🎩✨

Pass the Aqua Net. Nicole Kidman has big fake hair energy on full display. Does that wig come with a Bumpit? 👱‍♀️ (The dress is gorg, though!)

According to Marley, the shape of Cynthia Erivo’s dress is giving Liberty Bell and the pattern is giving couch.

And friends, I’m getting tired. This Gen Z speak is getting monotonous and my clever pithiness is running dry. I mean, how many times can you say, “It’s giving? or “It’s serving” Plus, Marley rolled her eyes at my descriptions and said she doesn’t know anyone who talks like that. (She has a lot of opinions for someone who refused to participate) So, in plain Gen X speak – if that stupid peplum shelf was removed from that dress it would be gorgeous, couch print or no couch print. (Though to me it’s giving more Spanish lace. Dammit – I can’t stop!)

(Also, I want those arms.)

Billy Crudup looks like he’s getting ready to audition for the new Colonel Sanders, and Naomi Watts’s dress is perfection until it gets to her knees. I’m trying to wrap my head around the pink disaster at the bottom of that dress. It’s causing confusion!😵🤷‍♀️

I don’t even know what to say about Ari Graynor’s dress except NO! (And that it is giving definite cat’s cradle vibes.) 😹

Is it just me or is Monica Barbaro’s dress completely seethrough and not seethrough at the same time? It’s kind of disorienting but also stunning. 🌟🌟

Quinta Bronson is crushing it with this super glam look. Gorgeous! The dress! The hair! I LOVE all of it!

To Ewon MacGregor I say, “Well, hello, Zaddy!” (And to his beautiful wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead, I say, you lucky B!)

Mindy Kaling looks fantastic, just stunning. She is glowing like a Golden Globe statue. A+++ 🏆🏆

Salma Hayek looks amazing in Gucci. Love her hair. The contrast of the green necklace is fab. She gets a triple 🔥🔥🔥

Welp, that does it for me. I hope this review was giving damn, she’s funny! 😉😂 I’d love to know what you think of my observations. Did I nail it or am I out of my mind?

Photos found on the interwebs here.

I have to be honest… this year’s snarky Oscar post… it’s a little uninspired. Dave and I never go to the movies anymore so I saw very few of the movies nominated. Thanks to a friend we were able to catch Gravity and American Hustle via screeners (well, I mostly slept through American Hustle – I know my boyfriend Bradley Cooper is in that movie- I get up at 5AM, what can I say?), but we didn’t see anything else. It’s hard to root for movies you haven’t seen.

Also, everyone looked really lovely last night. It’s hard to snark when everyone looks great.

Plus, if I’m honest, I’ll tell you that the older I get (sigh, I hate saying that), I really don’t like to be mean. How about if I just show you some pretty pictures I ~~stole~~ borrowed off the internet instead and hope for some blog traffic via Pinterest and call it a day this time? You’ll forgive me won’t you?

Okay, I’ll tell you what, I will start with just a little bit of snark.

This is what happens when you invite Olympic ice skaters to the Oscars. Tara Lipinski shows up in a wedding gown and Johnny Weir dresses like a fancy butler.

Angelina Jolie – really? I miss your leg. That dress is pretty, but honestly a bit matron-y, a little mother-of-the bride even – you could have waited 20 years to wear it. And Brad Pitt? That hair? Uh.. no!

And speaking of hair – Jared Leto. You are so pretty, Jared, but would be even more beautiful if you had the Jordan Catalano haircut going again. I know you are a rock star and an arteest and really don’t care about such things, but your lady fans would really appreciate it and you want to please your fans, don’t you Jared? But I will say, your acceptance speech – one of the best I’ve ever heard. So gracious and lovely. I can’t think of anything that would have made a more beautiful speech. (Except maybe a haircut.)

Pharrell Williams – I suppose you can get away with this, because you’re a musician and might not know any better. But your wife might have wanted to dress up a bit more. (Oh – BTW, your performance? Loved it!)

I loved Amy Adams’ dress but I did not like her hair. It would have been so much prettier if she’d worn it down, all wavy and Veronica Lake-like. But I forgive her because of the threat of rain. Perhaps she’s like me and her hair gets all limp and frizzy at the slightest hint of moisture in the air.

Charlize Theron – thee most stunning and breathtaking dress of the night. WOW! And that necklace, spectacular. Move over Jessica Rabbit (and Angelina Jolie), Charlize has just out va-va-voomed you.

Giuliana Rancic – that dress is so pretty. Like a princess. And the umbrella is a fabulous accessory.

I love the soft light blue of Best Supporting Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o’s dress. And that diamond headband – gorgeous! Lupita may be new to the Hollywood scene, but she certainly found the right stylist. This girl can work the red carpet for sure!

Jennifer Lawrence looks fabulous once again. Peplum was a big runway trend and her red peplum dress was a stunner. Her make-up was pretty and I liked the swept-back hair. And that necklace worn kind of backwards? I must have it!

I loved Jennifer Garner’s fringe-y flapper-style dress. That’s how you have some fun on the red carpet. And Amy Adams – please take notes on Jennifer’s hair. Her side-swept loose waves are perfect.

Sandra Bullock looked stunning in this navy blue strapless dress. (And again, I love the side-swept hair!)

Best Actress Oscar winner Cate Blanchett also looked very pretty. This dress might have washed her out a little bit, but overall I think it was very pretty. And those earrings? Add them to my shopping cart with Jennifer Lawrence’s necklace.

Jenna Dewan-Tatum – I don’t know who you are. I’m guessing you are married to Channing Tatum? (Lucky girl!) Your big ol’ mess of diamonds that turns into a big ol’ mess of feathers? I kind of like it.

Bette Midler – this dress is simply stunning. And your Wind Beneath My Wings performance was sublime. I love and adore you.

And to end my un-snarky snark here’s some eye candy for you. You’re welcome.

And remember Bradley – even though I slept through most of your performance (my fault – not yours!) and didn’t see Jared’s, I hear you didn’t stand a chance against him, so please don’t feel badly for losing the Best Supporting Actor category. But just in case you do, remember, I’m always here to comfort you.

Photo credit: All photos Getty Images borrowed from here. (Thank you NY Daily News!)

Charlene Ross

Tag: Angelina Jolie

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