My 2016 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them

Yes it’s that time of year again. Awards season has come to an end with its biggest night of the year – the 2016 Academy Awards – and I’m here to give my ever-so-valued opinion on the best and worst red carpet looks. That’s right, I watch and take notes about the good, the bad and the ugly as I sit eating stuffed crust pizza in my Costco workout clothes about Hollywood’s biggest night of the year.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I could have at least worn my Lululemon. I mean, it’s the Oscars, dress up a little, right? But I only have one Lululemon and it was in the wash.

And why am I qualified to do this you ask (again)? I’ve already told you, I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my high school prom. This obviously means I have excellent taste. So read on about my red carpet takes and if you’re lucky I’ll add my prom picture at the end. (If you’re lucky.)

I’ve mentioned before that as I get older (and damn am I getting older) I really don’t like to be as snarky. I don’t like make fun of people. So I would like you all to know that I’m not making fun of the people. Just their clothes. (Well, mostly.)

Plus it’s hard not to be snarky when Heidi Klum shows up in this:

heidi-klum-2016-academy-awrds-red-carpet
This dress = hideous

 

Seriously, WTF is she wearing. Heidi Klum has become the Cher of the  new millenium. (Old people like me will understand that reference.) She seems to be on my worst-dressed list for every red carpet event. If I was a contestant on Project Runway and got booted off, I might not feel so bad.

This makes me sad because Kate Winslett always makes my best-dressed list, but I gotta call ’em as I see ’em and I see this dress as a disaster. What exactly is it made of? Rubber or something shiny or both? I think her hair and make-up look beautiful, but that dress? No! (BTW, my friend Laurel said she thought her hair looked stringy, and I admit it kind of did at the end of the night, but as someone who never leaves an event looking quite as fresh as when I arrived there, I’ll forgive her for that.)

Kate-Winslet-2016-oscar-red-carpet
Kate Winslet making her first time appearance on my worst dressed list. (I still love you Kate!)

I don’t know who Lily Cole is (an IMDB search shows that she’s been in a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen), her dress, from the pointy triangles at the top to the awful fabric and overall poufiness has got to go. (Plus her shoes are gold and her dress is silver – NO!)

lily-cole-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet
This looks like a couture space suit disaster.

 

Rooney Mara looks kind of pissed off in this picture. Maybe her head hurts because her hair’s pulled back too tight. Or maybe she realized what she was wearing is heinous. Seriously, what is she wearing?

The only word I have for this dress is no!
The only word I have for this dress is no!

As I mentioned above, I’m getting older. We all are. And as hard as it is for everyone, it’s even harder for the women of Hollywood. I get that. So I will forgive Kate Capshaw for the work she has obviously had on her face. Hey, I’m not a rich woman. Plastic surgery will never be an option for me, so who am I to judge. But Kate has always been one of my hair idols. That’s right, I’ve always idolized her fabulous hair. But this stupid too-short-buster-brown-bangs and stripey-blond do? No! That I will not forgive. Plus she wore a tux. Why, Kate, why?

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards red carpet
Sorry Kate, you’re better than that!

Need a closer look. (You don’t but I’m going to give it to you anyway.)

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards
Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.

 

As for dresses I’m on the fence about. First, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t hate it, but I certainly don’t love it. What’s your opinon? I just don’t know.

Yay or nay?
Yay or nay?

 

And I really love the top 9/10s of Alicia Vikander’s dress. But that balloony bottom has got to go.

9/10 yay + 1/10 nay = ???
9/10 yay + 1/10 nay = ???

It has occured to me that I rarely talk about men’s walk down the red carpet. That’s probably because for the most part there’s not much to eff up and the men look great (assholes). Well, this year was a little different…

Jared Leto. No! We already know you’re a rockstar and kind of a weird dude, but still. This is a no! I mean you are incredibly hot (and forever Jordan Catalano in my heart) and I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but I might kick you out for wearing this. Who am I kidding? Of course I wouldn’t. (I would, however, make you take it off first.)

jared-leto-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet
Jared, I love you, but take that off! (Please!)

Look at Dave Grohl, he’s a rockstar and he looks great!

Dave Grohl and Jordyn Blum 2016 academy awards red carpet
Dave Grohl and his wife Jordyn Blum look fabulous!

 

Dev Patel forgot to wash his hair. And shave. Clean it up Dev, you’re at the Oscars for godsake!

Dev patel 2016 oscars red carpet
Dev Patel in his best, “I woke up looking like this” look. Uh, yeah. We can tell.

 

And what was with all the velvet last night? Too many men were wearing velvet. I have to tell you, I’m not a fan.

Eddie Redmayne 2016 oscars red carpet
Love Eddie Redmayne, do not love the velvet.

Alright already, enough with the negativity and snark. (Even though I know that’s what you’re all here for.) Let me tell you what I did like, because most of the dresses were just breathtaking.

I would have prefered to have seen Jennifer Garner’s hair down, but I still think she looked stunning. I think the inspiration for her dress was “take that Ben Affleck.”

Jennifer Garner 2016 academy awards red carpet
Take that Ben Affleck!

 

I thought Julianne Moore looked classy and gorgeous, as always.

 

Beautiful!
Beautiful!

 

A lot of the fashion blogs said that Cate Blanchett looked like a mermaid, but I’m not a fashion blogger. I’m an Old Navy-wearing suburbanite. I think her dress is beautiful.

So pretty!
So pretty!

 

Best Actress nominee Saoirse Ronan is the vision of beauty in this Calvin Klein dress. I love the pattern and the shimmer and her hair and makeup are sublime.

saoirse-ronan

 

Best Actress winner Brie Larson looks amazing. I especially love the top of this dress. Her hair and makeup are simple, yet gorgeous.

Brie Larson

 

Naomi Watts has made my worst dressed list in the past, but this year? OMG, OMG, OMG! Her dress is amazing. I think it’s my favorite. Everything about it (I absolutely love the color gradation) is absolutely 100% gorgeous! Oh, and that necklace? I want it!

Naomi Watts wins Best Dressed
Naomi Watts wins Best Dressed

But I do have to say as far as the WOW factor goes. As in wowzee-wow-wow-wow, Charlize Theron stole the show. (And I want that necklace too!)

One word: WOW!
One word: WOW!

My sister told me I had to post a photo of the most beautiful man in the world, but I told her Bradley Cooper wasn’t there. She said that she meant Tom Hardy. I could only find a photo of him with his wife, Charlotte Riley, who unfortunately for my sister, looks absolutely stunning. (Sorry sis!)

This one's for you, Sis!
This one’s for you, Sis!

I’d love to talk about what went on inside the awards, but my word count is ridiculously high, so I will just mention Lady Gaga’s performance which left me with tears streaming down my face. It was so powerful and so moving. If you have not seen The Hunting Ground, I suggest you do. It’s an important film that everyone needs to see. Especially if you have a child in college or that one day will be going to college. Click here to find out how to watch the film and click here to bawl your eyes out watching Lady Gaga sing the Oscar nominated song Til It Happens to You.

Wow, that got serious all of a sudden, didn’t it? Sorry, that was just something too important to breeze by, but I’ll end this post on an up note (at my expense) with that prom picture I promised you. I couldn’t find the one with me and my date, but here is one of me and my friend Kellie.

 

This is how it was done in 1983!
This is how it was done in 1983!

 

OMG – that hair! That taffeta! Go ahead and snark away. I totally deserve it!

Photo credits: Most of my photos were taken from here, some were from here, and the close-up of Kate Capshaw and Steven Speilberg is from here.

My 2015 Snarky Oscar Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them)

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I used to enjoy the Oscars  a lot more when I used to actually see movies. Out of the eight movies nominated for Best Picture I saw exactly one, The Grand Budapest Hotel. And  I loved it dearly so of course I was rooting for it (even though I knew it wouldn’t win).

But oh, how I do adore the red carpet. Because I’m pretty sure that when people think of me the first think they think of is  what a fashion icon I am. Seriously, no one can rock off-the-rack (from Target) like I can.

The Red Carpet

Dakota Johnson looked fabulous, but what happened to her mother’s face? (One too many trips under the knife – that’s what.) I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed the mother-daughter bickering on the red carpet between the two about Melanie’s refusal to see Dakota’s soft porn performance in FSOG (even though she was “so proud” of her).

Dakota-Johnson-Melanie-Griffith-Oscars-2015
Is it me or is Melanie Griffith starting to look like Joan Rivers?

And speaking of soft porn, John Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen looked gorgeous, but I kept expecting to see Chrissy give a Lindsay-Lohan-getting-out-of-a-limo-type red carpet peep show with the slit in that dress.

2015-oscar-Chrissy-Teigen-John-Legend-Academy-Awards

Julianne  Moore looked stunning. I loved her dress (which does not look great against this background, but trust me, it’s gorgeous), just adored her side-swept chignon, and those earrings (that you cannot see in this picture)? I must have them!

2015-oscars-julianne-moore
Gorgeous!

I thought Jennifer Lopez’s dress was beautiful (I’m a sucker for a ballgown), but whoever did her make-up needs to be fired. Immediately. You can’t really tell from the photos, but her pink lipstick was hideous and her pink eye shadow was a mess. (If you saw her red carpet interview, you know what I’m talking about.)

2015-oscar-jennifer-lopez
Those pink lips have to go!

Rosamund Pike’s red dress paired with understated hair and jewelry was stunning. Stunning! (I know I just used that word to describe Julianne Moore, but if you can think of a better one please let me know.) I think her dress was my favorite.

2015 Oscar-Rosamund Pike

I love Scarlet Johansson’s dress. I’m not sure how I feel about that necklace. And I have to ask, what the hell did she do to her hair?

2015-Oscar-Scarlet-Johansson
When did Scarlet Johansson start going to Miley Cyrus’s hairdresser?

And Gywneth Paltrow, whose website Goop loves to tell us how much better our lives could be if we partook in V steams and purchased $350 cut-off shorts might want to make her own life better by hiring a different stylist. Because this dress? NO! That hair? Yuck! But I will say, those earrings are FAB!

2015-Oscars-Gwyneth-Paltrow

I really like Naomi Watts, but I do not like her dress at all. Except for the length it looks more like something you’d wear out clubbing.

2015-oscars-naomi-watts
That bandeau is not working for me.

The Awards

Okay, okay, enough of this red carpet business and onto a quick Academy Awards recap.

Opening number by Neil Patrick Harris, Anna Kendrick and Jack Black? -Fantastic!

I just loved JK Simmons  thank you speech. What a lovely tribute to his wife. If my husband ever wins any kind of award that requires a speech he should just copy that speech.

In fact after watching that speech, I realized what it is I love so much about the awards and why I continue to watch them even when I don’t see the movies – it’s the acceptance speeches. I know this sounds corny, but watching people be filled with so much gratitude really does make me teary eyed and just, well, happy.

Speaking of acceptance speeches if you missed this one by Pawel Pawlikowski, the winner of the Best Foreign Language Film, you must watch it here. I had never heard of him before last night, but I am now madly in love with him and have decided he must be mine!

Michael Keaton really needs to learn how to chew gum in a more gentlemanly manner.

Ironically during the bit about seat fillers, I noticed the seat next to Jared Leto was empty. I really need to figure out a way to be a seat filler next year. I would take the job much more seriously. In fact I’d take it so seriously that if I was sitting next to Jared Leto I wouldn’t even get up when the person who was supposed be sitting there came back from the bathroom. Though he might ask me to leave because I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from giving him some well-needed fashion advice.

The Everything is Awesome musical number was #AWESOME. I need to call my sister and tell her to have her Lego-loving twins to make me a Lego Oscar statue. (It would make an excellent birthday present. Hint, hint!)

I wanted to snark on Patricia Arquette for looking like she rolled out of bed, put her hair in a messy ponytail and threw on a dress she found at Macy’s but I loved her heartfelt and impassioned speech so much that I’ve decided not to mention it.

2015-oscars -patricia-arquette
To you, Patricia Arquette, I say, “Go, Girl!”

The night really was full of tear-inducing speeches. Another one that you just have to watch is Graham Moore’s, the writer of The Imitation Game. And show your kids. Because it’s important. Even if they aren’t weird.

And OMG – who knew Lady Gaga could sing like that? Not me! Her tribute to Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music truly wowed me.

Eddie Redmayne’s speech was adorable and Julianne Moore’s speech was touching and fabulous. I’m over the red carpet, it really was all about the speeches for me.

2015-oscars-awards-julianne-moore
Happy Lady, you are fabulous!

And to my boyfriend Bradley Cooper, I’m so sorry you didn’t win (again). But like I told you last year, if you need someone to comfort you, you know where to find me.

2015-oscars-bradley-cooper-academy-awards
Swoon!