My 2016 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them

Yes it’s that time of year again. Awards season has come to an end with its biggest night of the year – the 2016 Academy Awards – and I’m here to give my ever-so-valued opinion on the best and worst red carpet looks. That’s right, I watch and take notes about the good, the bad and the ugly as I sit eating stuffed crust pizza in my Costco workout clothes about Hollywood’s biggest night of the year.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I could have at least worn my Lululemon. I mean, it’s the Oscars, dress up a little, right? But I only have one Lululemon and it was in the wash.

And why am I qualified to do this you ask (again)? I’ve already told you, I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my high school prom. This obviously means I have excellent taste. So read on about my red carpet takes and if you’re lucky I’ll add my prom picture at the end. (If you’re lucky.)

I’ve mentioned before that as I get older (and damn am I getting older) I really don’t like to be as snarky. I don’t like make fun of people. So I would like you all to know that I’m not making fun of the people. Just their clothes. (Well, mostly.)

Plus it’s hard not to be snarky when Heidi Klum shows up in this:

heidi-klum-2016-academy-awrds-red-carpet
This dress = hideous

 

Seriously, WTF is she wearing. Heidi Klum has become the Cher of the ย new millenium. (Old people like me will understand that reference.) She seems to be on my worst-dressed list for every red carpet event. If I was a contestant on Project Runway and got booted off, I might not feel so bad.

This makes me sad because Kate Winslett always makes my best-dressed list, but I gotta call ’em as I see ’em and I see this dress as a disaster. What exactly is it made of? Rubber or something shiny or both? I think her hair and make-up look beautiful, but that dress? No! (BTW, my friend Laurel said she thought her hair looked stringy, and I admit it kind of did at the end of the night, but as someone who never leaves an event looking quite as fresh as when I arrived there, I’ll forgive her for that.)

Kate-Winslet-2016-oscar-red-carpet
Kate Winslet making her first time appearance on my worst dressed list. (I still love you Kate!)

I don’t know who Lily Cole is (an IMDB search shows that she’s been in a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen), her dress, from the pointy triangles at the top to the awful fabric and overall poufiness has got to go. (Plus her shoes are gold and her dress is silver – NO!)

lily-cole-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet
This looks like a couture space suit disaster.

 

Rooney Mara looks kind of pissed off in this picture. Maybe her head hurts because her hair’s pulled back too tight. Or maybe she realized what she was wearing is heinous. Seriously, what is she wearing?

The only word I have for this dress is no!
The only word I have for this dress is no!

As I mentioned above, I’m getting older. We all are. And as hard as it is for everyone, it’s even harder for the women of Hollywood. I get that. So I will forgive Kate Capshaw for the work she has obviously had on her face. Hey, I’m not a rich woman. Plastic surgery will never be an option for me, so who am I to judge. But Kate has always been one of my hair idols. That’s right, I’ve always idolized her fabulous hair. But this stupid too-short-buster-brown-bangs and stripey-blond do? No! That I will not forgive. Plus she wore a tux. Why, Kate, why?

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards red carpet
Sorry Kate, you’re better than that!

Need a closer look. (You don’t but I’m going to give it to you anyway.)

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards
Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.

 

As for dresses I’m on the fence about. First, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t hate it, but I certainly don’t love it. What’s your opinon? I just don’t know.

Yay or nay?
Yay or nay?

 

And I really love the top 9/10s of Alicia Vikander’s dress. But that balloony bottom has got to go.

9/10 yay + 1/10 nay = ???
9/10 yay + 1/10 nay = ???

It has occured to me that I rarely talk about men’s walk down the red carpet. That’s probably because for the most part there’s not much to eff up and the men look great (assholes). Well, this year was a little different…

Jared Leto. No! We already know you’re a rockstar and kind of a weird dude, but still. This is a no! I mean you are incredibly hot (and forever Jordan Catalano in my heart) and I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but I might kick you out for wearing this. Who am I kidding? Of course I wouldn’t. (I would, however, make you take it off first.)

jared-leto-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet
Jared, I love you, but take that off! (Please!)

Look at Dave Grohl, he’s a rockstar and he looks great!

Dave Grohl and Jordyn Blum 2016 academy awards red carpet
Dave Grohl and his wife Jordyn Blum look fabulous!

 

Dev Patel forgot to wash his hair. And shave. Clean it up Dev, you’re at the Oscars for godsake!

Dev patel 2016 oscars red carpet
Dev Patel in his best, “I woke up looking like this” look. Uh, yeah. We can tell.

 

And what was with all the velvet last night? Too many men were wearing velvet. I have to tell you, I’m not a fan.

Eddie Redmayne 2016 oscars red carpet
Love Eddie Redmayne, do not love the velvet.

Alright already, enough with the negativity and snark. (Even though I know that’s what you’re all here for.) Let me tell you what I did like, because most of the dresses were just breathtaking.

I would have prefered to have seen Jennifer Garner’s hair down, but I still think she looked stunning. I think the inspiration for her dress was “take that Ben Affleck.”

Jennifer Garner 2016 academy awards red carpet
Take that Ben Affleck!

 

I thought Julianne Moore looked classy and gorgeous, as always.

 

Beautiful!
Beautiful!

 

A lot of the fashion blogs said that Cate Blanchett looked like a mermaid, but I’m not a fashion blogger. I’m an Old Navy-wearing suburbanite.ย I think her dress is beautiful.

So pretty!
So pretty!

 

Best Actress nominee Saoirse Ronan is the vision of beauty in this Calvin Klein dress. I love the pattern and the shimmer and her hair and makeup are sublime.

saoirse-ronan

 

Best Actress winner Brie Larson looks amazing. I especially love the top of this dress. Her hair and makeup are simple, yet gorgeous.

Brie Larson

 

Naomi Watts has made my worst dressed list in the past, but this year? OMG, OMG, OMG! Her dress is amazing. I think it’s my favorite. Everything about it (I absolutely love the color gradation) is absolutely 100% gorgeous! Oh, and that necklace? I want it!

Naomi Watts wins Best Dressed
Naomi Watts wins Best Dressed

But I do have to say as far as the WOW factor goes. As in wowzee-wow-wow-wow, Charlize Theron stole the show. (And I want that necklace too!)

One word: WOW!
One word: WOW!

My sister told me I had to post a photo of the most beautiful man in the world, but I told her Bradley Cooper wasn’t there. She said that she meant Tom Hardy. I could only find a photo of him with his wife, Charlotte Riley, who unfortunately for my sister, looks absolutely stunning. (Sorry sis!)

This one's for you, Sis!
This one’s for you, Sis!

I’d love to talk about what went on inside the awards, but my word count is ridiculously high, so I will just mention Lady Gaga’s performance which left me with tears streaming down my face. It was so powerful and so moving. If you have not seen The Hunting Ground, I suggest you do. It’s an important film that everyone needs to see. Especially if you have a child in college or that one day will be going to college. Click here to find out how to watch the film and click here to bawl your eyes out watching Lady Gaga sing the Oscar nominated songย Til It Happens to You.

Wow, that got serious all of a sudden, didn’t it? Sorry, that was just something too important to breeze by, but I’ll end this post on an up note (at my expense) with that prom picture I promised you. I couldn’t find the one with me and my date, but here is one of me and my friend Kellie.

 

This is how it was done in 1983!
This is how it was done in 1983!

 

OMG – that hair! That taffeta! Go ahead and snark away. I totally deserve it!

Photo credits: Most of my photos were taken from here, some were from here, and the close-up of Kate Capshaw and Steven Speilberg is from here.

15 thoughts on “My 2016 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them

  1. I want to be Saoirse Ronan when I grow up even though she’s half my age and no one would be able to pronounce my name (which is a stark contrast to JULIE but I’d suffer through it).

    And your prom dress. Love. Especially the fact that FIVE OTHER PEOPLE bought it.
    I mean. The 80s. Wasn’t that a time?

  2. Perfection!
    I always await your Snarks @ the Oscars, Charlene.
    Okay, OMG, I didn’t recognize Kate Capshaw. I looked and I thought, “Did Steven marry again?”
    loved Alicia Vikanderโ€™s dress. I really really loved that!!
    But I AGREE completely, Charlize Theron, Shut it. DOWN. FABULOUS in read. A most stunning creature. I hate and love her.
    Best part of the show: GAGA! POWERFUL as hell.
    PS. and Chris Rock went too far w/ the black Oscar thing. Do you agree or not?

    xxxxx

    • I am 50/50 on the Chris Rock monologue. My other friend Kim (see her below) thought Chris was intentionally trying to ruin the Oscars with his monologue. I just think he was in a tough spot. Parts of it were really funny, other parts, not so much. I don’t think Jada was a fan. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I didn’t know who half of the people were. I didn’t see most of the movies. I fast forwarded through most of the show (even the melodramatic Lady Gaga performance, sorry, I get it, but whatever). And my asshole DVR cut off the show because it ran SO LONG so I had to look up the winners of best picture, best director and best actor & actress. Plus I realllllllllyyyyyyy hated the stupid bits they wrote. This Oscar show was a fail for me. Not that anyone cares what I think.

    Silver lining is always your morning after post! I loved Charlize Theron’s look and poise, and I think from above my fave is Julianne Moore. Thanks for the fashion post!!!

  4. What with all the plunging necklines last night, I would appreciate it if some women would stop saying “My eyes are up here” already. I guess I’m a pig, but if you want me to look at your eyes, button your cardigan.

  5. The first thing I thought when I saw Kate Capshaw was that maybe her looks are due to chemo- doesn’t or didn’t she have some type of cancer? If not and it’s just plastic surgery, then she looks ridiculous, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt for now ๐Ÿ˜‰ In any event, great blog, Charlene- I agree with most of your assessments, although I absolutely LOVED every inch of Alicia Vikander’s dress! And Charlize Theron looked amazing, but I thought the plunging neckline with exposed boobs was WAY overdone this year. Just my two cents’ worth!

    • After a quick google search I do not see any evidence of Kate Capshaw having cancer. I hope not. Those look like pulled and plumped looks, not cancery looks. And I’m not saying I don’t still love her, I do. Just not a fan of bad haircut. I mean, like I said, she is my hair icon.

  6. As soon as I saw you had this post up I wanted to come see it. I don’t get the Oscars over in France and I wanted to see everyone’s dresses! I actually quite liked Lily Cole’s dress (but seriously – what do I know)? And I like the top of Jennifer Laurence’s dress not the bottom. The puffy bottom of Alicia Vikander’s dress is very French, even if you mostly see that on girl’s skirts rather than women’s. Consequently I like it. The silver bands are a bit much for me. I agree about Brie Larson but the top of her dress makes my eyes blur.

    Loved your post!

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