It’s Laurel & Lexington here! Usually Charlene writes a funny, snarky, poignant blog post for the Oscar’s ever-anticipated Red Carpet, but this year, her working/traveling/jet-setting self is allowing her friends & daughter to guest-write her post. She may live to regret it, like Kristen Wiig is regretting her dress choice, but hey – life is all about taking risks! Just ask Maya Rudolph, if you can find her under that smock.
Let’s break this down into 4 categories.
Black & White
In the Pink
That’s a HARD NO
Charlene here: Laurel & Lexi – 1,000 thank yous for taking over my blog and writing this post. Sitting at the airport now (work is so inconvenient to my snarky hobbies!) and will add my commentary (if needed). From what I’ve seen so far, I might be out of a (non) job with Laurel & Lexi’s spot-on fashion eye.
Black & White
The classic black gown, the stunning white couture, a handsome tux. Who needs color when you can rock black & white like this?
In The Pink
We don’t have to fear pink – it’s feminine and free and fabulous. From blush to bubblegum, pink is the new black. These goddesses look so beautiful – their accessories alone are enough to include them!
If I weren’t sitting on my couch waiting for my Persian food to be delivered while watching this fancy night out, I might not be wearing jammy pants and Isotoner slippers. But am I. However, these gorgeous people are just lovely.
That’s a HARD NO
It’s a challenge to put our beloved into this category, but fear not – it’s necessary. They need to think about what they’ve done!
And that’s it, folks. This year’s Oscars prove that fashion isn’t for everyone, but those who get it, really get it right! Oh…wait…one more for Charlene! xoxo
Laurel and Lexi – once again, thank you so much! You did a fabulous job. Next year I will try my best to not be working. But if I am, I know my red carpet post will be in good hands.
I have to be honest, people. This year’s Oscar post (like the end of the show – OMG!!!) is going to be a bit of a mess. I wasn’t able to watch the red carpet (I know!) because my father is in town from Austin and we had a family barbecue/reunion at the same time. (Talk about rude!) Of course we recorded it, or tried to, but something went wonky with the DVR and it didn’t record. We also missed the first 80 minutes of the show, so there’s that. (I was able to watch Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue online – brilliant!)
So, instead of sitting down and watching the show and giving it my full attention (as I like to do even though I literally saw zero of the movies) I half-watched while I scanned the internet for red carpet photos. I tried to enlist Marley’s help, but she’s battling strep throat and just wasn’t feeling it. She did give me some input, but quit half-way through.
That’s my overly long and pathetic excuse as to why this year’s Academy Award Red Carpet post is lame, and like Price Waterhouse, I might be out of a job next year. (Except they got paid a lot of money for their fuck-up, while I just do this out of the goodness of my heart.) Also, remember, I always do this in a rush and don’t have time to edit, so there’s sure to be tons of mistakes.
With that being said and without further adieu, here is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet Review…
First what I did not like:
Janelle Monáe Um… No! I actually appreciate the provocativeness of this dress and think it’s very pretty. Or it would be very pretty if it didn’t have that tulle bustle or peplum or whatever you call it on the side. (Seriously, what the effity eff is that?!) Again… No! Less is more and the less of this dress would be so much more if that bustle/peplum was gone, baby gone!
Marley: Elie Saab might need to take a break in designing dresses, because obviously he cannot design a good dress. I mean honestly, what is that mess he put on her?
(BTW, I wanted to post a picture of Meryl Streep in her beautiful Elie Saab creation last night, but I can’t seem to find a picture of the entire dress. Unless it’s of Meryl tripping on the red carpet and I won’t post that, so Marley is right that this dress is a mess, but wrong about the overall design-worthiness of Elie Saab.)
Dakota Johnson I can’t tell what’s worse, this terrible dress or her stupid hair. Where did she get it done at the #TBT 1976 salon? I usually find Dakota Johnson gorgeous and delightful – this look is neither of those things. I give this entire look two big fat thumbs down! (Oh how I wish Marley had felt up to panning this one!)
Naomie Harris I don’t hate this dress, but I am underwhelmed by it. It’s just, meh. If this dress had been long without the train I would have liked it, but it’s not, so I don’t. It’s trying too hard to be different and it doesn’t work for me.
Marley: All I can say is that Calvin Klein should probably stick to designing underwear, because that’s obviously all that he’s good at.
Ruth Negga This looks like an old fashioned wedding dress that was dyed red. I am not a fan.
Marley: I didn’t know that wearing your grandmother’s tablecloth is the new fashion.
Salma Hayek I simply adore Salma Hayek and think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but this dress looks like a long negligee. I’m going to have to put it in the nope pile.
Blanca Blanco Marley: Oh. My. God. This dress might be the most hideous of the night. The pattern is so ugly, the ruffles on the shoulders trigger me, and the color looks like something out of a mustard bottle.
First, who the hell is Blanca Blanco? Should I know who she is? Second, good thing we didn’t see the actual red carpet, because apparently Ms. Blanco wardrobe malfunctioned her lady parts and if those ruffles triggered Marley, god knows a vag flash would set her off the deep end. Third, holy hell, this dress is ugly. (But I will say, her shoes are spectacular. I know my friends Kim and Tina would LOVE them!)
Jessica Biel Jessica Biel is gorgeous and has great taste in men, but she is a fashion disaster. I think this dress is ugly. I will say that we did watch some of the red carpet at the BBQ and my twenty-five year old niece said the dress wasn’t ugly, it was bold. So maybe I’m just old and don’t know what I’m talking about. (I’m not and I do. I’m right, she’s wrong!)
Okay, and now on to what I did like…
Emma Stone Marley thinks Emma Stone looks like an Oscar in this dress, but I LOVE it! I especially love the way the fringe swished when she walked. Her hair, those earrings, that lipstick – perfection!
(BTW, Marley says she does not think that and I am a liar. But she did not like her dress. Actually, I don’t know if Marley liked any dresses this year. Sigh…)
Viola Davis I freaking love this dress. I love it! I want to wear it because it would hide my batwing upper arms (I do not think Viola Davis has batwing upper arms, she looks like she has toned, perfect, gorgeous arms) and I happen to look great in read. (I think everyone looks great in red.) Plus, she looks amazing. Her hair, her makeup – she is simply glowing. The only thing more stunning than Viola Davis was her speech. How elegant and spectacular she is.
Marley: There really wasn’t anything special about it. It’s a dress. (Just wait until you get the batwings Marley and come back and tell me how you feel about this dress then. It’s a family curse and your day will come, my young daughter. Your day will come!)
Brie Larson I think Brie Larson’s Oscar De La Renta’s dress is a masterpiece. The end.
Marley: She looks like she just stepped out of the shower with that hair. And that dress is more stiff than my English teacher’s humor.
Nicole Kidman Nicole Kidman usually makes my worst dressed list, but this year she surprised me. I think this dress is very pretty. Like her taste in men, her taste in fashion seems to be improving. (Oh, who am I kidding, when she married Tom Cruise, before he went off the crazy couch, he was hot AF.)
Marley: Oh no, she’s still on the worst dressed list. (Marley is WRONG!)
Halle Berry I’m sure I’ll get some push back for this, because I’ve already seen people panning this look online, calling the dress dated and the wig a big ol’ mess, but I love them both.
Olivia Culpo I have no idea who Olivia Culpo is and I have no time to do a search on Google. But I think this dress is gorgeous. It looks like a wedding dress Laney Delaney would design.
I thought this dress was just gorgeous. In fact I love her dress so much, you get to see the front and the back. Plus, I just love Chrissy Teigen. Yes, she is better than all of us and that’s okay. Someone has to be. And if you don’t follow her on Twitter, you should. (Her Twitter feed is also better than yours. And most definitely mine. Sorry, that’s just the cold, hard truth.)
And now some eye candy for the ladies (who am I kidding, except for my dad and my uncle, it’s all ladies reading this post).
Mahershala Ali Mahershala Ali is looking fine! I wish I’d seen him win his Oscar. I also didn’t see Moonlight, but he’s my crush on House of Cards. I heart him. 🙂
Ryan Gosling I have to admit, Ryan Gosling just doesn’t do it for me. (And, yes, I did see Crazy Stupid Love, and no, I did not see La La Land) I mean, he’s good looking, he’s just not for me. But because I care about my readers, and I do this for you, here you go ladies. Enjoy. Except for what the what with that ruffled tux? Did he go tux shopping with Dakota Johnson?
Marley: Next to being an overrated actor who isn’t that attractive, apparently now he’ll go down in the Oscar history books for the ugliest tux ever worn.
Javier Bardem Because he’s perfect.
And that is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet recap. I’d love to hear what you think. Am I right? (Yes!) Am I wrong? (No!) What did I miss?
Yes it’s that time of year again. Awards season has come to an end with its biggest night of the year – the 2016 Academy Awards – and I’m here to give my ever-so-valued opinion on the best and worst red carpet looks. That’s right, I watch and take notes about the good, the bad and the ugly as I sit eating stuffed crust pizza in my Costco workout clothes about Hollywood’s biggest night of the year.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I could have at least worn my Lululemon. I mean, it’s the Oscars, dress up a little, right? But I only have one Lululemon and it was in the wash.
And why am I qualified to do this you ask (again)? I’ve already told you, I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my high school prom. This obviously means I have excellent taste. So read on about my red carpet takes and if you’re lucky I’ll add my prom picture at the end. (If you’re lucky.)
I’ve mentioned before that as I get older (and damn am I getting older) I really don’t like to be as snarky. I don’t like make fun of people. So I would like you all to know that I’m not making fun of the people. Just their clothes. (Well, mostly.)
Plus it’s hard not to be snarky when Heidi Klum shows up in this:
Seriously, WTF is she wearing. Heidi Klum has become the Cher of the new millenium. (Old people like me will understand that reference.) She seems to be on my worst-dressed list for every red carpet event. If I was a contestant on Project Runway and got booted off, I might not feel so bad.
This makes me sad because Kate Winslett always makes my best-dressed list, but I gotta call ’em as I see ’em and I see this dress as a disaster. What exactly is it made of? Rubber or something shiny or both? I think her hair and make-up look beautiful, but that dress? No! (BTW, my friend Laurel said she thought her hair looked stringy, and I admit it kind of did at the end of the night, but as someone who never leaves an event looking quite as fresh as when I arrived there, I’ll forgive her for that.)
I don’t know who Lily Cole is (an IMDB search shows that she’s been in a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen), her dress, from the pointy triangles at the top to the awful fabric and overall poufiness has got to go. (Plus her shoes are gold and her dress is silver – NO!)
Rooney Mara looks kind of pissed off in this picture. Maybe her head hurts because her hair’s pulled back too tight. Or maybe she realized what she was wearing is heinous. Seriously, what is she wearing?
As I mentioned above, I’m getting older. We all are. And as hard as it is for everyone, it’s even harder for the women of Hollywood. I get that. So I will forgive Kate Capshaw for the work she has obviously had on her face. Hey, I’m not a rich woman. Plastic surgery will never be an option for me, so who am I to judge. But Kate has always been one of my hair idols. That’s right, I’ve always idolized her fabulous hair. But this stupid too-short-buster-brown-bangs and stripey-blond do? No! That I will not forgive. Plus she wore a tux. Why, Kate, why?
Need a closer look. (You don’t but I’m going to give it to you anyway.)
As for dresses I’m on the fence about. First, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t hate it, but I certainly don’t love it. What’s your opinon? I just don’t know.
And I really love the top 9/10s of Alicia Vikander’s dress. But that balloony bottom has got to go.
It has occured to me that I rarely talk about men’s walk down the red carpet. That’s probably because for the most part there’s not much to eff up and the men look great (assholes). Well, this year was a little different…
Jared Leto. No! We already know you’re a rockstar and kind of a weird dude, but still. This is a no! I mean you are incredibly hot (and forever Jordan Catalano in my heart) and I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but I might kick you out for wearing this. Who am I kidding? Of course I wouldn’t. (I would, however, make you take it off first.)
Look at Dave Grohl, he’s a rockstar and he looks great!
Dev Patel forgot to wash his hair. And shave. Clean it up Dev, you’re at the Oscars for godsake!
And what was with all the velvet last night? Too many men were wearing velvet. I have to tell you, I’m not a fan.
Alright already, enough with the negativity and snark. (Even though I know that’s what you’re all here for.) Let me tell you what I did like, because most of the dresses were just breathtaking.
I would have prefered to have seen Jennifer Garner’s hair down, but I still think she looked stunning. I think the inspiration for her dress was “take that Ben Affleck.”
I thought Julianne Moore looked classy and gorgeous, as always.
A lot of the fashion blogs said that Cate Blanchett looked like a mermaid, but I’m not a fashion blogger. I’m an Old Navy-wearing suburbanite. I think her dress is beautiful.
Best Actress nominee Saoirse Ronan is the vision of beauty in this Calvin Klein dress. I love the pattern and the shimmer and her hair and makeup are sublime.
Best Actress winner Brie Larson looks amazing. I especially love the top of this dress. Her hair and makeup are simple, yet gorgeous.
Naomi Watts has made my worst dressed list in the past, but this year? OMG, OMG, OMG! Her dress is amazing. I think it’s my favorite. Everything about it (I absolutely love the color gradation) is absolutely 100% gorgeous! Oh, and that necklace? I want it!
But I do have to say as far as the WOW factor goes. As in wowzee-wow-wow-wow, Charlize Theron stole the show. (And I want that necklace too!)
My sister told me I had to post a photo of the most beautiful man in the world, but I told her Bradley Cooper wasn’t there. She said that she meant Tom Hardy. I could only find a photo of him with his wife, Charlotte Riley, who unfortunately for my sister, looks absolutely stunning. (Sorry sis!)
I’d love to talk about what went on inside the awards, but my word count is ridiculously high, so I will just mention Lady Gaga’s performance which left me with tears streaming down my face. It was so powerful and so moving. If you have not seen The Hunting Ground, I suggest you do. It’s an important film that everyone needs to see. Especially if you have a child in college or that one day will be going to college. Click here to find out how to watch the film and click here to bawl your eyes out watching Lady Gaga sing the Oscar nominated song Til It Happens to You.
Wow, that got serious all of a sudden, didn’t it? Sorry, that was just something too important to breeze by, but I’ll end this post on an up note (at my expense) with that prom picture I promised you. I couldn’t find the one with me and my date, but here is one of me and my friend Kellie.
OMG – that hair! That taffeta! Go ahead and snark away. I totally deserve it!
Photo credits: Most of my photos were taken from here, some were from here, and the close-up of Kate Capshaw and Steven Speilberg is from here.
Oh yes, it’s that time of year again – awards season. And time for my snarky red carpet reviews. Because if there’s one thing a 50-year-old suburbanite with a closet full of Old Navy who wore the same dress as seven other girls to her prom is qualified to do, it’s critique gorgeous Hollywood celebrities on their fashion choices.
The theme this year seemed to be plunging necklines, killer diamond necklaces, and sideswept hair. (And a little too much yellow for my taste.)
Here is how you do a plunging neckline correctly:
Kirsten Dunst shows us how to do a plunging neckline incorrectly:
I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction with this dress. Did Kristen hear that Jennifer Lopez wasn’t showing her boobs this year and think she’d step into that spot? Or maybe it’s just the velvet I don’t like. Maybe a nice crepe would have worked better for me.
Jaimie Alexander from Blindspot wore another plunging neckline dress that I liked:
I think the color is beautiful and the geometric shapes make the dress interesting without taking over.
Here are two more dresses I did not like at all.
The color is too close their skin tone (especially Rooney Mara’s) and I do not like all that fluff.
If you want to wear a pale color (or show off your boobs the right way), here’s the way you do it:
Katy Perry looks fabulous in this rose colored gown. It’s a little plain, but with that cleavage I don’t think anyone noticed. Plus, check out that hair, I think bumpit sales are going to skyrocket today.
(If you want to watch a funny video of Katy Perry and Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet discussing Katy’s bumpit, check this out.)
More bad choices? Here we go…
I love the bottom half of Leslie Mann’s dress, but the top? Yuck. I don’t even get it.
And what happened with the Game of Thrones ladies? Did they get a memo to wear the ugliest dresses possible?
I love dresses that are simple and even a little bit plain, but to me Taraji P. Henson’s dress was a little too plain. (I know, picky, picky!) But I absolutely adored her earrings.
And speaking of gorgeous jewelry, I must have that diamond lariat necklace on J-Lo. I also really liked her dress, so classy and beautiful.
I did not however, love the color. (And my friend Laurel agrees.)
I was on the fence about Brie Larson’s dress. I think it’s pretty and liked the originality of it, but she looked uncomfortable. Kind of like she had to slouch a tad bit just to keep it on. But then again, who ever said fashion was comfortable. (When it comes to the red carpet, it’s better to look good than to feel good, right?)
Here are some of the dresses I absolutely loved:
Amy Adams dress looks much more orange in this photo than it did on TV, but it’s gorgeous (and so is she) either way.
Kate Winslet looked sublime.
I am usually not a fan of cutouts on dresses, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was beautiful. And I know that her necklace was all the rage, but it was a little too much for me. Also, I would have liked to have seen here with her hair down, in a soft, wavy style, but I still think overall she looked beautiful.
Show me a ball gown that is classic, looks comfortable and has pockets and I’ll give you an A+ every time!
Olivia Wilde is another example of the plunging neckline done right. (And that necklace ain’t bad either!)
And I like to save the best for last. Helen Mirren is always classy, always beautiful and always gets the red carpet right. She is not beautiful for her age. She is simply beautiful. (And I just adore this picture of her.)
As for the awards themselves… well, that’s another post for another day (or not). But as someone whose own dreams are just starting to come true, my favorite moment by far was Rachel Bloom’s acceptance speech. In case you missed it (or even if you didn’t) watch it here. I promise it will be your feel-good moment of the day.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what Ricky Gervais whispered to Mel Gibson, you can find that out here. (Wow! That guy’s got some big balls. And really doesn’t like Mel Gibson.)
And in a final note, even though it has nothing to do with the Golden Globes, since we are talking about fashion and icons, I wanted to mention that I was so saddened to hear about the death of David Bowie this morning. His music was a huge part of my youth. I might have worn out the grooves of my Let’s Dance album. I loved seeing photos of him and his wife Iman – such a stunning couple. Few celebrities bring me to tears when they pass, but he is certainly one of them. He will forever be missed.
Photo credits: Most photos were all Getty Images lifted from Glamor magazine (thanks Laurel for sending the link) except for Taraji P. Henson, which is from here and David Bowie & Iman, which is from here.
And please, as always, let me know if you think I nailed it or totally missed the mark in the comments below.