I have to be honest, people. This year’s Oscar post (like the end of the show – OMG!!!) is going to be a bit of a mess. I wasn’t able to watch the red carpet (I know!) because my father is in town from Austin and we had a family barbecue/reunion at the same time. (Talk about rude!) Of course we recorded it, or tried to, but something went wonky with the DVR and it didn’t record. We also missed the first 80 minutes of the show, so there’s that. (I was able to watch Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue online – brilliant!)

So, instead of sitting down and watching the show and giving it my full attention (as I like to do even though I literally saw zero of the movies) I half-watched while I scanned the internet for red carpet photos. I tried to enlist Marley’s help, but she’s battling strep throat and just wasn’t feeling it. She did give me some input, but quit half-way through.

That’s my overly long and pathetic excuse as to why this year’s Academy Award Red Carpet post is lame, and like Price Waterhouse, I might be out of a job next year. (Except they got paid a lot of money for their fuck-up, while I just do this out of the goodness of my heart.) Also, remember, I always do this in a rush and don’t have time to edit, so there’s sure to be tons of mistakes.

With that being said and without further adieu, here is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet Review…

First what I did not like:

Janelle Monáe
Um… No! I actually appreciate the provocativeness of this dress and think it’s very pretty. Or it would be very pretty if it didn’t have that tulle bustle or peplum or whatever you call it on the side. (Seriously, what the effity eff is that?!) Again… No! Less is more and the less of this dress would be so much more if that bustle/peplum was gone, baby gone!

Marley: Elie Saab might need to take a break in designing dresses, because obviously he cannot design a good dress. I mean honestly, what is that mess he put on her? 

(BTW, I wanted to post a picture of Meryl Streep in her beautiful Elie Saab creation last night, but I can’t seem to find a picture of the entire dress. Unless it’s of Meryl tripping on the red carpet and I won’t post that, so Marley is right that this dress is a mess, but wrong about the overall design-worthiness of Elie Saab.)

Dakota Johnson
I can’t tell what’s worse, this terrible dress or her stupid hair. Where did she get it done at the #TBT 1976 salon? I usually find Dakota Johnson gorgeous and delightful – this look is neither of those things. I give this entire look two big fat thumbs down! (Oh how I wish Marley had felt up to panning this one!)

Naomie Harris
I don’t hate this dress, but I am underwhelmed by it. It’s just, meh. If this dress had been long without the train I would have liked it, but it’s not, so I don’t. It’s trying too hard to be different and it doesn’t work for me.

Marley: All I can say is that Calvin Klein should probably stick to designing underwear, because that’s obviously all that he’s good at.

Ruth Negga
This looks like an old fashioned wedding dress that was dyed red. I am not a fan.

Marley: I didn’t know that wearing your grandmother’s tablecloth is the new fashion.

Salma Hayek
I simply adore Salma Hayek and think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but this dress looks like a long negligee. I’m going to have to put it in the nope pile.

Blanca Blanco
Marley: Oh. My. God. This dress might be the most hideous of the night. The pattern is so ugly, the ruffles on the shoulders trigger me, and the color looks like something out of a mustard bottle.

First, who the hell is Blanca Blanco? Should I know who she is? Second, good thing we didn’t see the actual red carpet, because apparently Ms. Blanco wardrobe malfunctioned her lady parts and if those ruffles triggered Marley, god knows a vag flash would set her off the deep end. Third, holy hell, this dress is ugly. (But I will say, her shoes are spectacular. I know my friends Kim and Tina would LOVE them!)

Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel is gorgeous and has great taste in men, but she is a fashion disaster. I think this dress is ugly. I will say that we did watch some of the red carpet at the BBQ and my twenty-five year old niece said the dress wasn’t ugly, it was bold. So maybe I’m just old and don’t know what I’m talking about. (I’m not and I do. I’m right, she’s wrong!)

Okay, and now on to what I did like…

Emma Stone
Marley thinks Emma Stone looks like an Oscar in this dress, but I LOVE it! I especially love the way the fringe swished when she walked. Her hair, those earrings, that lipstick – perfection!

(BTW, Marley says she does not think that and I am a liar. But she did not like her dress. Actually, I don’t know if Marley liked any dresses this year. Sigh…)

Viola Davis
I freaking love this dress. I love it! I want to wear it because it would hide my batwing upper arms (I do not think Viola Davis has batwing upper arms, she looks like she has toned, perfect, gorgeous arms) and I happen to look great in read. (I think everyone looks great in red.) Plus, she looks amazing. Her hair, her makeup – she is simply glowing. The only thing more stunning than Viola Davis was her speech. How elegant and spectacular she is.

Marley: There really wasn’t anything special about it. It’s a dress. (Just wait until you get the batwings Marley and come back and tell me how you feel about this dress then. It’s a family curse and your day will come, my young daughter. Your day will come!)

Brie Larson
I think Brie Larson’s Oscar De La Renta’s dress is a masterpiece. The end.

Marley: She looks like she just stepped out of the shower with that hair. And that dress is more stiff than my English teacher’s humor.

Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidman usually makes my worst dressed list, but this year she surprised me. I think this dress is very pretty. Like her taste in men, her taste in fashion seems to be improving. (Oh, who am I kidding, when she married Tom Cruise, before he went off the crazy couch, he was hot AF.)

Marley: Oh no, she’s still on the worst dressed list. (Marley is WRONG!)

Halle Berry
I’m sure I’ll get some push back for this, because I’ve already seen people panning this look online, calling the dress dated and the wig a  big ol’ mess, but I love them both.

Olivia Culpo
I have no idea who Olivia Culpo is and I have no time to do a search on Google. But I think this dress is gorgeous. It looks like a wedding dress Laney Delaney would design.

Chrissy Teigen
I thought this dress was just gorgeous. In fact I love her dress so much, you get to see the front and the back. Plus, I just love Chrissy Teigen. Yes, she is better than all of us and that’s okay. Someone has to be. And if you don’t follow her on Twitter, you should. (Her Twitter feed is also better than yours. And most definitely mine. Sorry, that’s just the cold, hard truth.)

And now some eye candy for the ladies (who am I kidding, except for my dad and my uncle, it’s all ladies reading this post).

Mahershala Ali
Mahershala Ali is looking fine! I wish I’d seen him win his Oscar. I also didn’t see Moonlight, but he’s my crush on House of Cards. I heart him. 🙂

Ryan Gosling
I have to admit, Ryan Gosling just doesn’t do it for me. (And, yes, I did see Crazy Stupid Love, and no, I did not see La La Land) I mean, he’s good looking, he’s just not for me. But because I care about my readers, and I do this for you, here you go ladies. Enjoy. Except for what the what with that ruffled tux? Did he go tux shopping with Dakota Johnson?

Marley: Next to being an overrated actor who isn’t that attractive, apparently now he’ll go down in the Oscar history books for the ugliest tux ever worn.

Javier Bardem
Because he’s perfect.

And that is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet recap. I’d love to hear what you think. Am I right? (Yes!) Am I wrong? (No!) What did I miss?

Photo credits: New York Times, Except for Jessica Biel & Olivia Culpo from PopSugar and Chrissy Teigen from People