“Do you want me to record the Golden Globes for you?” my husband asked me yesterday afternoon.
“The Golden Globes are back?” I answered. “I had no idea. Sure. Thank you. When are they on? Sunday?”
“Tonight?! On a Tuesday?! Why???”
Look, if you are a regular reader of my red carpet report (which is basically the only time I ever write a blog post anymore and seriously question myself everytime I do it), you know that I am often caught unaware of when awards shows are happening. But, I’m quite positive that the Globes have always been a Sunday event. What happened? Did they get a weekday discount on the Beverly Hilton ballroom?
Also, can I be honest? While watching the show, I wasn’t really that inspired. Most of the dresses were pretty but not amazing and the most of ones that weren’t great weren’t actually terrible. Tuesdays in general are kind of meh and so is this review.
But I rallied (as I do) to write this post for the 3 people who tell me they look forward to it every year. And, like every year, instead of writing it on the night of the awards like a professional, I get up at o’dark thirty the next morning (that would be today) and give my suburbanite comments on haute couture as if I know what I’m talking about. (Because I do.) Marley rallied as well because she is a good daughter.
And so, without further ado (aka me blathering on about why I am once again unprepared and unqualified to write this blog post), my 2023 Golden Globes Red Carpet Review…
We’ll start with the nopes.
Me: Selena Gomez is 30 and this dress is too matronly. It looks like it was made for 50-something-year old trying to hide her upper-arm jiggle. (And if there’s something I know about, it’s being a 50-something-year old trying to hide upper arm jiggle.) Take away those purple sleeves and this dress is a win. They have got to go.
Marley: I will forever never understand why puffy sleeves are a thing. They don’t look good.
Me I feel like I should like this dress but I don’t. The whole spider webby thing maybe. She looks gorgeous as always but I have to vote no on this one.
Marley: Is it a spider web or diamond bullseye?
Me: That flower has got to go and that Angelina Jolie high leg slit is so 2000 and whatever year that was.
Me: This dress is just one big ol’ ruffly mess. It’s a nope.
Me: Again with the ruffles. If this dress had just flowed elegantly down to the floor it would have been a 10/10 but that weird bottom ruins it for me. (I was so happy that Julia won the GG for Ozark though. Ruth Langmore will forever be one of my favorite TV characters.)
Me: It’s like Stevie Nicks’ designer added pleats, changed the color, and forgot the middle of one of her outfits. (BTW, in the 70’s when disco inspired fashion was a thing, I had a Danskin leotard and wrap skirt in this exact color.)
Marley: Slave Princess Leia but make it red carpet.
Me: I am conflicted by this dress as well. I want to love it. I think I would love it if it had a black underlay and you couldn’t see through to her bodysuit, which makes me sound like a modest old lady and this dress upsets me because it proves I am officially over.
Me: This is another dress I can’t figure out if I like or not. There really is something about it that is so pretty but also it looks like the chenille bedspread in my grandmother’s lake cabin.
Marley: Lamp shade couture.
Lest you think the women are the only ones who need to fire their designers, let me present you with this…
Me: WTF, is going on there, Adam? I dig the color but that weird tie has got to go.
Marley: I think he looks like a little flower boy who is wearing a suit he’ll laugh at in 20 years.
Marley: Donald looks like he just woke up and was thrown into a car so he wouldn’t be late for the event.
Gentlemen, if you’d like to mix it up a bit, and don’t want to wear a basic tuxedo and still look daper, may I present this:
Me: Andrew looks great in this burnt orange suit. Love!
Marley: It’s nice to see something that isn’t a black suit and I think he looks like a fancy scooby-doo.
Me: Jeremy is looking fine in this leather suit. That necklace if bold and fabulous. I love it.
Marley: Leather on leather usually is tacky but he really pulls it off.
Me: Matt Bomer in a burgandy velvet tux = 100.
Here are my faves:
Me: In a word: Stunning. In more words: Angela Bassett is 64 years old and has obviously sold her soul to the devil. My question is, can she give me his number?
Marley: Amazing. Stunning. 11/10.
Me: Love the sparkly gold bricks and the diamond-shaped neckline. Fab!
Me: This is my favorite dress of the night. So simple, but also elegant and very different. I LOVE it.
Marley: I really hate this dress. I feel awful saying it but it really looks like a pad after your first day of a heavy flow. I don’t see the vision.
Me: Marley is 100% wrong and frankly I am disappointed in her not seeing the vision. She is a lover of modern art and if this were on a canvas at a museum she would find it as breathtaking as it is. (Though, to be fair, I am not a lover of modern art and if I saw this on a canvas in a museum, I would think it looked like a pretty blob of orange paint. Go figure.) But also, this dress is gorgeous.
Me: Why do I love Salma Hayek’s dress and dislike Jessica Chastain’s dress when the concept if very similar. I do not know. What I do know is that this dress is stunning.
Me: This is how you mix up the bottom of a dress. I find Margot Robbie very pretty in pink.
Marley: I feel like she can do so much better than this dress.
Me: Perhaps, but I still like it!
Me: I think this dress is very unique and beautiful.
Marley: Her silhouette is amazing in this but I hate the trend of square necklines, they’re so ugly.
Me: Marley is incorrect about square necklines. They accentuate the collarbone and hide the armpit-bar-overhang-flab. Not that I would know anything about that. (Spoiler alert: I know everything about that.)
Marley: I love the two piece and I think the yellow looks great on her, big fan.
Me: While I love dresses that are simply elegant and I don’t mind a two-piece ensemble, something about this just doesn’t work for me. I think the bandeau is too narrow, maybe. Do not love.
Marley: I love this and if I was famous I’d wear it on a red carpet, the top piece especially is amazing.
Me: I have to disagree with Marley again. While I do think the corsety top is very pretty, I don’ like how the skirt fluffs out below the hips. It’s almost as if her skirt is falling off. I’d like this dress more if it either hugged her body completely or fluffed out at the waist. Everyone knows that a full skirt is meant to hide the hips. (That is why it is my go-to style.) You can’t have it both ways. (Says me, the fashion expert.)
Marley: I love this dress, she looks so beautiful and I really like how the two pieces connect.
Me: There is too much going on here. Disagree.
And that, my friends, is what we call in Hollywood (and 30 miles from Hollywood), a wrap. This snarky suburbanite with opinions about things she has no business having opinions about has got to get herself to work. (Which means I need to take a quick shower and become Zoom presentable in about 30 minutes.)
I’d love to know your thoughts. Did I get it right or miss the mark? (But only tell me if you think I got it right.) 😉