Oscar’s Fashion Eye is 2020

It’s Laurel & Lexington here! Usually Charlene writes a funny, snarky, poignant blog post for the Oscar’s ever-anticipated Red Carpet, but this year, her working/traveling/jet-setting self is allowing her friends & daughter to guest-write her post. She may live to regret it, like Kristen Wiig is regretting her dress choice, but hey – life is all about taking risks! Just ask Maya Rudolph, if you can find her under that smock.

Let’s break this down into 4 categories.

  1. Black & White
  2. In the Pink
  3. Just Lovely
  4. That’s a HARD NO

Charlene here: Laurel & Lexi – 1,000 thank yous for taking over my blog and writing this post. Sitting at the airport now (work is so inconvenient to my snarky hobbies!) and will add my commentary (if needed). From what I’ve seen so far, I might be out of a (non) job with Laurel & Lexi’s spot-on fashion eye.

Black & White

The classic black gown, the stunning white couture, a handsome tux. Who needs color when you can rock black & white like this?

Tamron Hall
Anthony Ramos – so fun & handsome!
Keanu Reeves & his mom – so right on so many levels. Well done!
Cynthia Erivo owns every piece of this look. Versace goodness!
Why ya gotta be so perfect, Charlize Theron? Hot damn!
Ms. Cruz, te amo – you are divine in black & white.
Kelly Marie Tran – love your style!
Renee Zellweger – that Armani dress is undeniably stunning.
Charlene: This may be the dress of the night. Bridget Jones – I like you just as you are. (Fabulous!)
Brad Pitt – winner, winner, won’t kick you out of bed for eating a chicken dinner.
You know what I mean.
Charlene: I do know what you mean, and you are right!

In The Pink

We don’t have to fear pink – it’s feminine and free and fabulous. From blush to bubblegum, pink is the new black. These goddesses look so beautiful – their accessories alone are enough to include them!

Julia Butters – this dress is so flowy and perfect for her young self, and that sparkly pink orb bag! Lexington says: she looks like cotton candy. Deelish.
Charlene: She does look adorable, but I have to admit, I am not a fan of the sleeves (but she is a child, so I will allow it). That purse, though? I want it!
Brie Larson is elegant in this sparkly, clingy, sexy look. Steamy!
Charlene: Brie Larson always looks amazing. Her stylist definitely knows what they’re doing!
Idina Menzel nails it here – the gown, the necklace, the hair & make-up.
We can’t let this one go!
Charlene: Hmmm… I’m not sure I’m as big a fan.
Angela Bassett looks incredible in this bold pink stunner – love every element of her look! Is she aging? Nope.
Charlene: Angela Bassett is 61! 61!!! She has obviously made a deal with the devil!
Gal Gadot called her friend Caitriona Balfa and said, “Let’s wear black & pink gowns and look hot.” And they did!
Caitriona Balfa – ditto!
Charlene: I actually can’t tell if I hate that pink thing or not. (I know if Marley chose to participate she would have!) I want to hate it – but not sure that I do.

Just Lovely

If I weren’t sitting on my couch waiting for my Persian food to be delivered while watching this fancy night out, I might not be wearing jammy pants and Isotoner slippers. But am I. However, these gorgeous people are just lovely.

Stella and Antonio Banderas, and his girlfriend, Nicole Kimpel, looking
Just Lovely for their family night out.
Charlene: Love. Really, really, really love. (Like Antonio Banderas actually beats out Bradley Cooper as my all-time boyfriend.) And LOVE! Stella’s dress is age-appropriate fabulous & Mrs. Not-Melanie-Griffith_Banderas’s dress is just lovely.
Billy Porter in Giles Deacon couture – I mean, is anyone more stylish? Just Lovely.
Charlene: Only Billy Porter could pull this off. And he does!
Janelle Monáe is…Just Lovely. There are no words.
Charlene: Laurel is wrong – there are words and the are: Wow! I love this dress so much. Stunning-Fabulous-Lovely
Julia Louis-Dreyfus is Just Lovely, in her blue elegance and heavenly jewels.
Charlene: Another starlet who has made a deal with the devil. Not only is she hilariously funny, gorgeous, and does not age, she is probably rich enough to actually afford that necklace!
Kaitlyn Dever, you shatter our Just Lovely category. Holy beauty!!
Charlene: Simply Fabulous.
Kelly Ripa could have stunned us in the Black & White category with this classic gown, but with Mark’s beautiful blue tux, they are…Just Lovely!
Mindy Kaling in Dolce & Gabana and her Chopard jewelry is so lovely, it almost hurts.
So good!
Charlene: 100% agree!
Olivia Colman in Stella McCartney and those earrings is Just Lovely!
Charlene: I love Olivia Colman, but often do not love what she wears. This I like.
Rebel Wilson, in gold goddessness, and perfect red lips. Just Lovely!
Charlene: Rebel looks FAB!
As always, Regina King looks like a queen. And is Just Lovely!
Charlene: Regina King never disappoints. She is Hollywood glamour at it’s finest. She is not only a King – she is a Fashion Queen!
Take your Just Lovely and get a room, Colin & Scarlet!
Charlene: Talk about a deal with the devil – how did Colin Jost ever land ScarJo? (I’ll tell you – he makes her laugh!) But seriously, her dress is just like her – beyond gorgeous, and they both look lovely.
Sandra Oh YES! You are Just frocking Lovely in this gown.
Charlene – This is where Laurel and I disagree. While Sandra does look lovely, I do not love the chenille bedspread portion of this dress. (I swear the bottom and sleeves of this dress look exactly like my grandmother’s old bedspread.) Take off that fuzzy business and you’ve got yourself a gorgeous dress.

That’s a HARD NO

It’s a challenge to put our beloved into this category, but fear not – it’s necessary. They need to think about what they’ve done!

Charlene’s friend Jillian said it best: Kristen Wiig looks like a red octopus.
It’s a shame, because with that cute hair & make-up, she could have been just lovely.
Charlene: Yes, this dress definitely falls into the “less is more” category. As in this dress would be (more) beautiful if it had less (as in none) of whatever that ruffle business is attached to it. Without the octopus arm lasagna noodles stuck on the side of this dress it would be stunning.
Maya Rudolph, we love you so, but what the frock is going on here?
Charlene: (I see what you did there, Laurel!) Also, Maya, I love you. But you seriously need to fire your stylist. Stat!
Ryan Michelle Bathe, you are shockingly beautiful – the opposite of this tent.
Charlene: Laurel – really?! I like it!
Saoirse Ronan, what the frock happened here???
Charlene: Saoirse is usually in my best dressed category, but I am not a fan of this one. Just too much going on. Take away the peplum and you’ve got a beautiful dress (or keep the peplum and make the skirt black). And those bangs? Not a fan. (And this is coming from a girl who has always and will forever always have bangs!)
Coco would say NO NO! Billie Eilish, this is a HARD NO!
Charlene: While I am not a fan of this look, I know that this is Billie’s signature style (which I am also not a huge fan of), so I respect it. But, what I DO give a hard no on are those nails. Seriously, Billie. WTF with those nails?!

And that’s it, folks. This year’s Oscars prove that fashion isn’t for everyone, but those who get it, really get it right! Oh…wait…one more for Charlene! xoxo

Charlene’s bff
Charlene: Swoon!

Laurel and Lexi – once again, thank you so much! You did a fabulous job. Next year I will try my best to not be working. But if I am, I know my red carpet post will be in good hands.

My Snarky 2020 Golden Globe Review

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again. The Golden Globe Awards! And this time I was actually ready! For whatever reason the last few years the awards have caught me off-guard or I’ve been out of town while they were, but last night I was ready.

Also it seems that the last few years people have been dressing really well and there wasn’t much to snark about. Well, the terrible stylists (and terrible dresses) are back, making yesterday’s red carpet watching a true delight! Thank you, my dearly beloved Hollywood elite for making my job so very easy this year.

I even got input from my writing group as the texts were flying in (ping, ping, ping!) during the ceremony. So, without further adieu, here is my 2020 Golden Globe snarky red carpet review…

Dakota Fanning

Marley: The only good thing about this dress is the color. Otherwise it’s absolutely horrible.

Me: I disagree. The whole thing is horrible. While the color is pretty, it washes her out completely. It looks like she found it at a thrift store in the 1978 prom section.

My friend Lexi: She took a wrong turn for her job at Disneyland.

Cate Blanchett

Marley: With those wack shoulder things she looks like she’s trying to fly away from this ugly dress.

Me: Marley is spot-on (and also hilarious!). The bodice looks like some sort of sparkly bondage top and that pleated yellow crepe is again looking very late-seventies. This dress is a hella-no!

Charlize Theron

Marley: This looks like they ran out of time when trying to dress her so they threw some fabric on her and let her go.

My friend Lexi: Charlize can pull off anything, but the color looks like she crashed into a highlighter.

Me: First, let’s all agree that Charlize looks stunning. Her hair and make-up is gorgeous. But this dress confuses me. I actually like the color, but it’s just. Weird.

Giuliana Rancic

Marley: Her dress looks like it doesn’t even fit her body and the clutch looks like she stole it from somebody whose dress actually matches it.

Me: I actually think the dress is very pretty, but her hair is horrific. The color does not match her skin tone at all. On the red carpet it looked like straw. And I am not into body shaming (because trust me, my body is about as far from perfect as they come), but that girl really needs to eat a sandwich.

Jennifer Lopez

Marley: Her dress looks like it was made out of left over tissue paper from Christmas.

Me: J-Lo, this is a J-No! Jennifer, be 50 & Fabulous, not 50 & I-don’t-even-know-what-this-is. But that necklace? OMG – I MUST have it!

Olivia Colman

Marley: What’s wrong with normal sleeves? Why did we decide to stop putting them in dresses?

Me: When it comes to acting Olivia Colman can do no wrong. She is the new (British) Meryl Streep. But when it comes to dressing she can seemingly do no right. (It’s okay, Olivia, Meryl is also a disaster most of the time when it comes to fashion.) Also, Marley is right, what’s was with the horrible sleeve trend last night?

Jodie Comer

Marley: Whose tablecloth did she steal?

Me: Again with the sleeves. Also, why??? It looks like a sad, satin sack.

Joey King

Marley: I want to like this dress, but everything in me is telling me I need to hate it. Who would choose that pattern, and why?

Me: I agree with Marley. I want to like this dress. It looks like a cool piece of modern art. But also, if I were one of the people that got seizures from strobe lights, I think this dress would put me in a similar state. I want to (want to) say yes, but for me, it’s a no.

Kaitlyn Dever

Marley: Didn’t we learn to leave couch patterns behind after Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala look?

Me: First I want to say that I think Kaitlyn looks adorable. (Also, if you have not seen Booksmart, you must. It is spectacular.) And again, I want to like this dress, but it looks like an adult coloring book with not enough colored pencil choices. And also. Again. Those sleeves.

Kerry Washington

Marley: It has potential, but it’s horrible. The idea is there but the execution looks like something from episode one of Project Runway where the designers still have no clue what they’re doing.

Me: It looks like she got confused and thought her belt was her shirt. I was feeling sort of old for hating this, because I know this is supposed to be edgy and provocative, but since Marley and my writing group hated the look as well (my friend Lexi: Where is Kerry Washington’s shirt?), I feel vindicated. I am not old, I am right. This look is not good.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Marley: This looks like she took inspiration from slave Leia but decided she needed to cover up more so she threw some tulle over it to make it more palatable. I bet we’ll see this on Goop in a few months for ten thousand dollars.

Me: To me this looks like she threw a sheer lingerie robe over a bathing suit. If sheer lingerie robes came with too many frills in puke brown.

Lucy Boynton

Marley: Was her inspiration Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz? I don’t understand that wack lace thing on her chest? I am so confused.

Me: Last year Lucy wore ugly gold lame to the Golden Globes. It was also horrible, but this tinfoil-space-meets-Little-House-on-the-Prairie creation is worse. And that makeup! Was is with all the black and silver shit all over her eyes?

Taylor Swift

Marley: I think the dress shape and overall construction is good, but that pattern is horrible.

Me: I agree. If this dress was black or red or any solid color, it would be gorgeous. But that pattern, while it would be cute on a sundress, makes it a big no.

My friend Lexi: OMG – who shot the sofa?

Alright, enough already. My eyes are starting to bleed. Believe it or not, there were some gorgeous, gorgeous looks last night. (Though they are not nearly as fun!) Here are some of them.

Nicole Kidman

Marley: It’s pretty, but nothing special

Me: Marley is wrong! I think this dress is stunning. Nicole is often on my worst dressed list, but she’s been upping her style game lately. An enthusiastic thumbs up.

Zoey Deutch

Marley: I mean… I guess? I feel like they can do better next time. I just hate these sleeves. Bring back normal sleeves.

Me: I love it! Even the yellow (which is a tricky color and this one is a tad on the mustard side, but I’ll let it pass). I love the plunge, which is deep, but still not too revealing, the shape and even the sleeves. And that necklace? Perfection.

Tiffany Haddish

Marley: This is a really simple dress, which is seemingly rare on this red carpet. I almost wish it had a little more but that would probably ruin it.

Me: Simply beautiful. I love the pink.

Saoirse Ronan

Marley: It’s simple, beautiful, and looks amazing on her and her body.

Me: Agree. Stunning. She wore a perfect dress last year and has done it again.

Kate McKinnon

Marley: Kate is perfect, therefore this is perfect. That’s all.

Me: What Marley said.

Helen Mirren

Marley: Not only is that a beautiful color, but it looks amazing on her and fits her great.

Me: I say it every year. I want to look (and dress) like Helen Mirren when I grow up. She is the epitome of beauty, class, and style.

Rachel Brosnahan

Me: One of my favorite looks of the night. Love the color and the cut and everything about it. Stunning.

Cynthia Erivo

Marley: It’s classy and it looks great on her.

Me: Agree. I love the style. It’s like a blingy tuxedo dress. and I love her hair. Win!

Laura Dern

Me: I love this flowy style. This pattern works for me and I think Laura looks gorgeous.

Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie

Marley: I know it’s the style, but it just looks like she’s wearing the shorts I used to have to wear under my skirt in lacrosse.

Me: While I agree that I don’t love the see-through with the short black skirt aspect of the dress, I think overall the dress is so pretty. I love the color and the style and the beading, so I’ll let it slide. Also, Leslie and Kit definitely win the cute couple award.

Okay, look. There are so many more that I don’t have time to get to. As always I should have done most of this last night. But I was tired and left the bulk of the work for the morning. And I have a job that I am already late to, so I don’t have time to talk about Reece Witherspoon’s okay dress and horrible hair or the awful color of Sandra Bullocks dress. But I will be nice and give you one piece of eye candy, as I know y’all look forward to at the end of this post.

Andrew Scott

Me: I dig the color of the gold color of the tie and jacket. Makes it look much less waiter-ish. Plus, if you have not seen Fleabag, drop everything immediately and binge it now. It is full of sad, messy, crazy people. The writing is brilliant and it is funny AF.

That is my review for the year. I hope it made you laugh. And remember, I am making fun of the clothing and style choices, not the people themselves (mostly).

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what we posted and what we missed.

Photos borrowed from here, here, here and here.

My Snarky 2019 Emmy Red Carpet Comments

Can I let you in on a secret? You might think that because I’ve been writing this red carpet (that was actually purple this year) post for the last 10ish years, that I not only wait for the Emmy’s (Oscar’s and Golden Globe’s) every year with baited breath, but actually know when they are going to occur.

No.

I’m not that organized. In fact I didn’t know the Emmy’s were happening tonight until my husband and I were reading the Sunday paper and noticed a story about the Emmy’s on the cover of Parade Magazine.

Shit. Are those tonight?

Yup.

Because I really don’t have time for this. I just got back from an eight night one-third vacation, two-thirds business trip. I landed at LAX on Saturday at 8:30 AM (after waking up at 4:45 AM for a 7:00 AM flight from Indianapolis), got home around 10:00 AM and went to bed until noon.

Then instead of getting up and cleaning (because you know I came home to a dirty house), shopping (because you also know I came home to a house with no fresh food), and doing laundry (spoiler alert – there was plenty of that, that wasn’t mine too), I dragged my jet lagged ass to a country festival at the beach.

Of course I did.

Which is my very long-winded way of saying. I’m tired. Marley got home from work around 8:30 PM after a late Saturday night and a long shift Sunday and she’s tired.

Plus, WordPress has changed its format and I hate it and this post looks all wonky and I have given up caring. You get what you get and you don’t get upset, people. I do this for you (the five people who look forward to this post every year), but I can only do so much.

A special shout out and thank you to my friend Laurel and her daughter Lexi who texted me their comments last night. They were on point. (Marley and I might have to pass the torch to them soon.)

Okay. Enough of the blah blah blah. I present to you, my 2019 Emmy Red (Purple) Carpet Review.

Carice Van Houten
I hated this dress when I first saw it, but the more I look at it, I kind of think it looks like a piece of art. It’s original and I say yes.
Marley: It looks like someone who tried to make a modern art piece by following all the popular modern artists, but instead of getting into the Broad, they just got into their high school art show.
Laurel & Lexi: Hard No.
Chloe Bridges
Me: It’s pretty, but the leather texture of the bandeau and little flaps are just weird.
Marley: Honestly, I think it’s really pretty, but the things below the belt are a little weird. The look like gun holsters, but considering the gun laws in our country it makes sense. Very high school chic.

Dascha Polanco
She looks gorgeous, but that dress? Hard No.

Marley: Who made that dress and for what reason? It reminds me of an ugly white and pink bear some high school dude gives you for Valentine’s Day.

Laurel & Lexi: a one-year old’s birthday cake will be worn by the othrwise gorgeous Dascha Polanco. Pink is the new cake!
Robin Weigert
Me: Gorgeous. I love this dress.
Marley: I appreciate the style, but I think the pattern looks like it belongs in the pages of an adult coloring book for stressed out millennials.

Now how about some love (or some well deserved shade) for the awesome Game of Thrones ladies.

Gwendoline Christie
Me: Her hair and makeup look stunning, but is she confused? Did she think she was on set for the do-over last season of GOT?
Marley: She looks like a female pope.
Laurel and Lexi: Shame on you, Gucci!
Maisie Williams
Me: I love it.
Marley: Aw, she looks cute, but I hate that dress. Why is it uneven like that. Did her cat attack it?
Emilia Clarke
Me:Points for the pockets, but honestly the top of her dress looks like suspenders. Maybe she thought she was going to be on the cover of Playboy instead of going to an awards show.
Marley: It looks uncomfortable, like you can’t sit down or bend over because the top will just fall off.
Sophie Turner
Me: I think it’s pretty. I like the color and the details.
Marley: It’s pretty, but it looks like she can only waddle in it.
Laurel: It just looks ill-fitting to me.
Lena Heady
Me: I think it’s gorgeous. It’s the type of dress I would wear, actually.
Marley: Oh, why? It looks like wallpaper from the 40’s.

Julia Garner
Me: That is one ugly and unflattering dress. Hell to the no!
Marley: The sleeve is stupid and the cutout is weird. Who is this supposed to look good on?

And now, how about a shout out (or a shout at) to the ladies who wear pants.

Angela Bassett
Marley: I think it’s a terrible outfit. It’s prisoner orange and why does she have a lolipop purse? I don’t get it.
Me: Marley is wrong. This outfit is hot.
Laurel & Lexi: Outfit, yes! Clutch, not so much!
Kerry Washington
Marley: Is she a pirate or a waiter? That’s something you would wear to prom in the 80’s. Why?
Me: Once again, my darling daughter is wrong. Kerry looks fab.
Laurel & Lexi: Yes! Yes!

Clea DuVall
Me: Classic. I love it.
Marley: Simple. She looks nice. I don’t know what else to say about it.
Samantha Bee
Me: I’m neutral on this outfit, but those shoes? Oh how I wish I could wear shoes like that. I want them. If only to stare at them in my closet every day.
Marley: Every year someone wears a white tux and every year it’s still ugly.
Melanie Liburd
Charlene & Marley: Wedding dress on top. Tuxedo on bottom.
Marley: It’s 2019. If you can’t find a partner just marry yourself and wear that.

Pink and red – who wore it best?

Taraji P. Henson
Me: I’m 50-50 on this one. But I’ll tell you what, she looks gorgeous!
Marley: Why? It’s so ugly. She looks so pretty, but why would she want to be wearing that? It’s kind of a cape and the red is too orange to go with the pink.
Susan Kelechi Watson
Marley: My biggest problem with all these dresses are the sleeves. Calm down with the sleeves. It’s like designers don’t know how to make a dress different, so they just go crazy and make stupid sleeves.
Me: Marley is right. Take away those sleeves and that’s one gorgeous dress.
Zoe Kazan
Me: Did Gucci think they could do with a canopy bed cover what Scarlett O’Hara did with her drapes?
Marley: Deep sigh. Do I even need to say anything? Do I really need to? I think the terribleness of it just speaks for itself.
Laurel & Lexi: Hollywood royalty should not wear this. Again, shame on you, Gucci!
Me: No one should wear this, Laurel. No one should wear this.
Marisa Tomei
Marley: That’s so ugly. It looks like curtains.
Me: Wrong! This is how you red and pink!
Mandy Moore
The answer to the question above is Mandy. Marisa, you look gorgeous, but Mandy Moore wore it best.

And then there’s this…

Vera Farmiga
Marley: I think it’s really pretty. I don’t love the puffy sleeves, but I like the pattern.
Me: I am actually shocked Marley likes this. Even pink could not have saved this sad 1970’s wedding dress meets Little House on the Prairie in red.

And now the good…

Sandra Oh
Marley: Sandra looks gorgeous. She look amazing.
Me: Same
Laurel & Lexi: Sadra Oh looks gorgeous – it’s the right shade of pink for her.
Julia Louis Dreyfus
Me: Stunning
Marley: Classic. Beautiful. She always wears good dresses.
Jameela Jamil
Me: Beautiful. Love the color and the dress.
Marley: It’s not the worst. I don’t really like the color on her, but it’s simple and I like that.
Laurel & Lexi: Stunning. Surprised how much we love this color!
MJ Rodriguez
Me: Pretty in pink. I love it!
Marley: She looks great. The black bows make her waist look tiny.
Gwyneth Paltrow & Brad Falchuk
Me: Can I be honest? I am not a Gwyneth Paltrow fan. Goop is pretentious hipster poop. But I am big enough to admit that I love this dress and she looks absolutely gorgeous.
Marley: Other than the sleeves, which are dragging all over the floor and getting dirty, I like this dress. She looks really pretty.
Laurel & Lexi: The Paltrows look gorgeous. Black & white for the win!
Jodie Comer
Me: Beautiful
Marley. I love it. I like how the slits line up.
Laurel: She looks super sexy. I dream of her cleavage.

The bad…

Indya Moore
Me: She is beautiful, but everything about this dress is a hard no for me.
Marley: Nope. She’s actually brave to wear that, I feel like she’s going to be giving a show.
Laurel & Lexi: More fabric, less Star Trek next time. Such a gorgeous girl.
Laverne Cox
Me: Is that a sombrero sewn onto the shoulder of that dress?
Marley: She looks like a feather duster.
Laurel: Laverne Cox looks gorgeous!
Lexi: That dress is horrible, but she looks incredible.
So, I think we are all in agreeance – Laverne, you are one hot, gorgeous creature, but that dress is a hard no!
Kristen Bell
Me: She looks like a pharaoh. But also, I don’t hate it.
Marley: I hate it. I hate it so much. I like the creativity and think it had good intentions, but it doesn’t work for me.
Amy Poehler
Me: Oh, Amy. I love you so much, but seriously, girl. Just, no. This looks like a bad 1970’s disco reject. (Even that weird scarf is 1970’s.) I’m going to say it again – NO!
Marley: It’s so ugly. It’s trashy gold. And what is with that weird black scarf/untied neck tie?
Kendall Jenner
Sadly Marley missed this number, because I bet she would have had a lot to say about it. A whole lot.
I will just say this: As Kendall was walking down that long red (purple) carpet I bet she was wishing her dress didn’t have the pleather bondage turtle neck attached. Me too, Kendall. Me too.
Laurel & Lexi:

And the best of the best…

Zendaya
Me: Beyond stunning.
Marley: I think she looks really great. The dress looks like it was made for her. It makes her body look amazing.
Laurel & Lexi: Love it or leave it, Zendaya looks stunning tonight.
Regina King
Regina King can do no wrong. Stunning. Fabulous. Drop Dead Gorgeous. I love it, Love it, LOVE it!
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Me: Hands down, favorite dress of the night.
Marley: At first I didn’t like it, but the more I look at it, I think it’s pretty. I really like the rose gold.

And now for the men…

Lin Manuel Miranda
Me: So handsome. Yes, please.
Marley: He’s wearing a suit. What about it. He looks like every boy at prom.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Me: that jacket is ugly. But also Jamie Lanister is one of my hot fantasy boyfriends, so I don’t care.
Marley: Is he an Emmy?
Mahershala Ali
Me: He looks great.
Marley: I like the color. I think it looks good.
Ru Paul
Marley: You know, it’s terrible, but it’s Ru Paul, so he’s allowed.
Me: What Marley said.
Laurel & Lexi: Ru is pulling this off. How does he do it?
Justin Hartley
Me: Oh yeah!
Marley: He looks good. It’s nice to see a tux that isn’t black. That’s a great shade of blue.
Steven Canals
Me: Sigh…
Marley: Again, with the sleeves.
Billy Porter
Me: If you’re going to be fabulous, then I say be fabulous. Billy – you are fabulous!
Marley: Hey, instead of bad sleeves, they changed it for stupid long pants. It looks like a kid who went into his parents’ closet and tried on one of their pants. I’m not even going to comment on the hat.
Lexi & Laurel: Oh my!

And as always, unedited and likely with tons of mistakes (I mean in the way of grammar and typos – my opinions are spot on), that my friends, is a wrap.

Pictures lifted from here. (Thank you.)

My Friends’ 2019 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments (Because I Am on the Road for Work)

Guest posters Kim Tracy Prince and Laurel Janssen Byrne reported in on The Charlene Ross blog for this special occasion: the 91st Academy Awards.

Kim says, “I don’t usually watch the red carpet, but since Charlene is traveling, I am pulling it out for a friend. As you know, there’s really only one reason to pay attention to awards shows; in fact, you really don’t even have to watch them, you just need to read Charlene’s fashion coverage.”

Laurel says, “Charlene’s red carpet blog posts are always my favorite, and the fact that she’s letting me guest write this one with Kim is nothing shy of an honor. And believe me, I wouldn’t be caught dead in an ugly pink dress for this one.”

The “Pink No” Category

Gemma Chan from Crazy Rich Asians

Gemma’s hair & make up were lovely, but we lost her in the oozing pepto.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves

Yikes – must put that pink layered nightmare in a grave.

Actress Linda Cardellini

There is an angry flamingo looking for Linda. She should be careful.

Sarah Paulson

Macaron gone wrong. Very wrong. Don’t get us started on that hair “style.”

Maya Rudolph

Floral a-go-go. A no-no! Being pregnant does not give you the right to wear a hideous curtain.

Meagan Good

This is what happens when your cat attacks your curtains… and wins.

Laura Marano

Honorable mention in the “Pink NO” category, showing the butt of a bad dress that looks like Easter egg shrink wrap.

Switching now to the “Pink Yes” category…

Angela Bassett

This is how you do pink! Angela should help the ladies in our “Pink No” category.

Helen Mirren

Jewelry + dress = WOW! She’s always a yes. Love the simple hair with her powerful ice.

Kiki Layne

Versace should thank Kiki for looking so elegant in this gown. Yowza!

Marie Kondo

Laurel’s daughter, Lexi, got SO EXCITED when she learned that Marie Kondo was at the Oscars. Spark joy, indeed! Simple and feminine.

Julia freakin’ Roberts

Just when we thought the pink dresses were finished, this goddess graced the stage.
And the award for Best Pink Dress goes to this pretty woman.

Let’s consider Allison Janney, shall we?

So stylish. So deco. Great neckline and necklace. Yes please on her look!

Lady Gaga

Laurel: We liked both of Gaga’s black dresses tonight. This one is so glamorous and funky with its structured hips/waist thingy. And clearly, diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
And that friend’s name is Tiffany.
Kim: But the weird hips thing is under protest by me. It makes her look like a cartoon character. Which kind of fits because Gaga.

Serena Williams

Serena takes a lot of heat about her on-court get ups, but here, she is nothing but classic and elegant. LOVE.

Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk

We liked Bradley’s classic Tom Ford tux tonight, and while Laurel likes him best clean-shaven, none of us would kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Or anything else.

Tina Fey

We’re totally feeling you in blue.

Michael B. Jordan and Mother Donna

And speaking of blue, that blue velvet tux is dashing! And your mom looks lovely.

Marina de Tavira

Wow! Red done right. And those earrings! Hollywood glam for the win.

Producer Lynette Howell Taylor

Producer and bold red dress-wearing goddess. More lipstick next time please, but we love this power color as she rules the world. Get it, girl.

Jennifer Hudson

JHud makes red holiday gifts look so right.
This dress is WOW!

Hannah Beachler

Hannah may have just won an Oscar for production design on Black Panther,
but she won the night for this outfit.

Regina King

Perfection in white simplicity. And omg she won! Her mom looked gorgeous, too!

Emma Stone

Emma Stone, who is Kim’s hair muse, in a bronze mermaid dress. Charlene didn’t like it, but she didn’t get a vote because she was watching ESPN poker at the airport. Buh-bye.

Lucy Boynton and Rami Malek

Hollywood glam is no greater than with these two – they looked stunning, and with Rami’s big win, what could be better?

Awkwafina

We love Awkwafina for so many  reasons, but rocking this lavender glitter suit? Yes. Totally her very own style. Oh – and her purse is a tequila flask. Savvy!

JLo and ARod

Hall of Jennifer Lopezes. We can’t look away! Hot! That chandelier is working for Jenny – she can wear anything!
And now ARod will bring us our entrees.

Brie Larson

The mirroring continues with this stunner. That slit!! Incredible.

Michelle Yeoh

The shimmer mirrors dazzle with this glowing masterpiece. She’s lovely.

Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet

Okay. We love Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet together. But we are curious about the color on his original Karl Lagerfeld suit. Taupe, perhaps?? Also, THE SCRUNCHIE! Look at his wrist! Nope! We didn’t even get to Lisa’s super hero doily. Ugh!
Still fiercely hot.
We decided the world has had enough Ryan Seacrest. And that heinous smoking jacket.

Henry Golding

So dapper! Is it warm in here?? Oh, my!

Heidi “yikes” Klum

Look, Charlene – it’s your favorite fashion disaster!
Heidi Klum says, “I am Groot.”

Charlize Theron

For the universe to balance out Heidi’s hideous gown, we’ve been given Charlize in this bare-backed stunner and serpent necklace.
Well done, universe.

Trevor Noah

Hot.
Handsome.
Sexy.

Spike Lee

Thankfully, Spike won his first Oscar, but you can bet it wasn’t for this get up. It’s…I mean….just so…my eye doesn’t know wear to…ugh, it’s just awful. Lexi said “He looks like a police figurine in LEGO City.”

Well, Charlene, thanks for letting us take over your blog. We feel for the poor souls who run social media and blogs for the Academy and the entertainment channels, because this work was hard enough. Those suckers had to post their opinions in real time. We had the luxury of sipping wine, eating delicious Persian food, and kicking back in our sweats. Maybe you’ll get to watch the show again in style next year!
-Laurel and Kim

My 2019 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Review

Can I start by saying that I was hijacked this weekend. Or kidnapped. Or somethinged. What I’m trying to say is this: I had planned on taking down Christmas on Saturday (Yes, I’m one of those who waits until after New Year’s to take down Christmas. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be.) and then spend Sunday morning finishing that up, getting the boxes up into the attic, grocery shopping for the week, and getting all my chores done so I could plop my ass down on the couch at 3:00 to watch the Golden Globe Red Carpet with Marley and I could actually get this blog post (mostly) written Sunday night.

Here’s what actually happened. Saturday Chandler bamboozled me into cleaning out the garage with him (a project he started while home for winter break to alleviate his boredom and advance his procrastination in applying for jobs, that I am grateful for, but really didn’t want to be a part of) with the promise he would help me on Sunday taking down Christmas. Of course we didn’t finish Saturday, and had to finish Sunday. At noon. And guess what? It takes more than three hours to take down Christmas. Also, surprise, he was not nearly as helpful to me with Christmas as I was to him with the garage. So Christmas is only 3/4 taken down and my living room is a disaster.

Plus I forgot Marley had to work yesterday until five o’clock. And wanted to go out with her boyfriend. (We never see her anymore. Our house has become a hotel for her, where she showers, sleeps, and occasionally has breakfast.) We watched the Red Carpet on the DVR, Marley gave her commentary (though I’m not sure her heart was really in it), and then took off to go play Pokemon Go or whatever it is she and her boyfriend do every night. (And don’t roll your eyes and tell me you know what they’re doing. La la la la – I’m not listening. Also, I know.)

The good news is, my friend Laurel came through by emailing me many pictures from with her comments written right on top of them. (Laurel and I have decided that next year we must watch the awards together, because her snark is spot-on.) I texted Marley Laurel’s pics and she stopped playing Pokemon Go (or whatever it is they were doing) and gave me her commentary on those pictures. Also, if some of these photos look like they came from someone texting/emailing from a cellphone that’s because they did.

So, that’s my long-winded way of saying, I’m not sure this is our best. But we’ll give it a go.

Janelle Monae
janelle monae golden globes red carpet

Me: Yikes is right!
Marley: That outfit is wack but I don’t know if anybody is more gorgeous than her.
Me: I agree. In a room full of the most beautiful people in the room, she may be the most beautiful, wack outfit or not.

 

Heidi Klum

heidi klum golden globe red carpet heidi-klum-attends-the-76th-annual-golden-globe-awards-at-news-photo-1078345974-1546823720

 

Me: I have to disagree with Laurel on this one. While Heidi usually does make my worst dressed list, I actually think this dress is very pretty. I give it a two-thumbs up.
Marley: I actually like Heidi’s dress this time.
Sorry, Laurel!

 

Regina King

regina king golden globes

Marley: Her dress is really pretty, but it looks so stiff and uncomfortable, like it has rods in it and she can’t sit down.
Me: I think it’s gorgeous. Love the color and love the bling. And everyone knows when it comes to haute couture it is better to look good than to feel good.

 

Lucy Liu

lucy-liu-2019-golden-globes

Marley: The under dress – terrible. The whatever that cape is – terrible. The dress looks like it was painted by kindergartners.
Me: Agree. Love Lucy Liu. Hate this dress.

 

Kaley Cuoco

kaley cuoco golden globes red carpet

 

Marley: That’s a really pretty dress. And it has pockets! Every time a woman has a dress with pockets she’ll tell you it has pockets.
Me: I agree. Love the dress, love her hair and simple make-up. And yes, she’s right about the pockets (because pockets are the best).

 

Penelope Cruz

penelope cruz golden globes red carpet

Marley: Her dress is really pretty, but I don’t like that weird strap. What is that? A backpack. Why?!
Me: Gorgeous! I like the iridescent sequins, love the straps and the back. Classic Hollywood glamour.

 

Jameela Jamil

jameela-jamil-golden-globes-gown-2019

Marley: That’s really pretty. Her bangs look like they were cut with safety scissors and separated like curtains
Me: GORGEOUS. My favorite dress so far. LOVE the color and everything about it. And her bangs are awesome. Bangs are the BEST!

 

Melissa McCarthy

melissa mccarthy golden globes red carpet

Marley: It’s nice, but I don’t really like the stars. It looks a little like a Snuggie.
Me: Hair and makeup is a yes. The dress? I think Laurel nailed it with the Harry Potter comment.

 

Lucy Boynton

lucy boynton golden globes red carpet

Marley: Yikes! The sleeves are terrible. The dress isn’t bad (it’s a lot, but it could be way worse), but the sleeves are so ugly.
Me: Nope.com
And Laurel’s nine-year-old daughter (and future Red Carpet commentator) say, “Poop.”

 

Saoirse Ronan

saoirse-ronan-2019-golden_globes-red-carpet-fashions.ct.010619

Marley: She’s adorable and looks perfect
My husband: Schwing! Dress of the night.
Me: Agree. This dress is phenom!

 

Sandra Oh

sandra oh golden globes red carpet

Marley: She’s never looked more beautiful. She looks powerful and just so happy. I love her.
Me: I agree. Gorgeous. And I also loved both of the dresses she wore on the show. Oh, yes, indeed!

 

Timothee Chalamet

timothee chalamet golden globes

 

Marley: Is that a bondage top? A harness? I don’t get it.
Me: I think he got confused and thought he was participating in an ice skating competition.

 

Jamie Lee Curtis

jamie lee curtis golden globe red carpet

Me: Of all the fabulous people, I think Jamie Lee Curtis just might be the most fabulous. I love her so much!

 

Julia Roberts

julia roberts golden globes red carpet

Me: Yes, yes, yes!
Marley: She looks like she’s 32 and I’m pretty sure that she’s not.
Me: You are right, Marley. She’s not. Hotness all around.

 

Taraji P. Henson

taraji-p-henson-attends-the-76th-annual-golden-globe-awards-news-photo-1078336240-1546826054

Marley: She looks really pretty.
Me: I wish I had the nerve (and the bod) to wear a dress like that. And that necklace? Yes, please.

 

Kristen Bell

kristen-bell-attends-the-76th-annual-golden-globe-awards-at-news-photo-1078337290-1546822707

Marley: She is perfect
Me: She looks fierce. I love it!

 

Anne Hathaway

anne hathaway golden globes red carpet

Marley: Why would you hurt yourself like that? That’s so terrible.
Me: I feel like I should really hate this, but I don’t. It kind of works. I’m with Laurel. Why not?

I could keep going. But you’re probably getting tired. And my word count has already passed the 1,000-word-count mark. Plus, I’ve got a job. I’ve got to get to work and they prefer that I shower before I go in (especially since I didn’t yesterday!). But you know I like to leave you with some man candy. So here you go…

Justin Hartley

justin-hartley-2019-golden-globes

Me: Looks like a waiter, but a hot waiter (and if there’s one thing I love, it’s hot waiters), so it’s a yes for me.

 

Rami Malek

rami malek golden globes

Marley: I love him. He looks amazing. He looks great. He always looks great. He’s adorable. He looks perfect.
Me: He looks very handsome. Great tux.

 

Bradley Cooper (AKA My Boyfriend)

bradley cooper golden globes

I could not find a picture of my boyfriend without his smoking hot baby mama on his arm. Although who could blame her? I wouldn’t let go of him either.
Laurel: Bradley looks like he’s going to teach tango on a cruise ship. Why all white??? BTW, I’d tango with him.
Me: Hot waiter. And yes, not loving the white pants. But then again, who’s looking at his pants.

 

Darren Criss

darren criss golden globe red carpet

Marley: His jacket looks like wallpaper.
Me: I think it looks more like wrapping paper. The kind you’d use for a woman of certain age’s milestone birthday. But did you hear the wonderful things he said about his mother during his acceptance speech? So lovely. His terrible jacket has been forgiven.

 

Michael B. Jordan

michael-b-jordan-attends-the-76th-annual-golden-globe-news-photo-1078345146-1546824108

Me: Perfection

 

Idris Elba

idris elba with daughter and fiance at golden globes red carpet

 

Speaking of perfection, I will leave you with this. Idris Elba with his fiancee and daughter. Love his suit (his shoes match his jacket & vest!) and in a room full of beautiful people, he might just be the most beautiful man (after my boyfriend, Bradley Cooper of course!).

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Who did I miss. (There were so many more I wanted to put in. Really!) I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

 

Photos borrowed from here and here and here.

 

My Snarky 2018 Emmy Red Carpet Review

Every few years the Emmy’s are on a Monday. I’m sure it has something to do with football. I’m just going to go on record as saying I don’t like it.

Marley wins the trooper award because she worked until 11:00 last night and I woke up to an email (sent at 12:26 AM) with Marley’s Emmy comments.

So without any further adieu, here is Marley and Charlene’s 2018 Emmy Red Carpet Review:

Tracee Ellis Ross

traee-ellis-ross-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion


Marley: She looks like she raided some 8 year old girls bedroom and took her comforter and wore it as a dress. The material looks so cheap. Yikes.

Charlene: I really don’t even know what to say. Who looks at that dress and says, “Yeah, that’s the one!” Well, I guess the answer is Tracee Ellis Ross, buy whyyyy???

Heidi Klum

heidi-klum-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: Usually she dresses hella ugly but honestly this is a great color and a nice and classy dress.

Charlene: Heidi Klum is almost always on my worst-dressed list so I thought it was only fair to show her in a dress that’s not terrible. I don’t love it, but it’s pretty and she looks gorgeous.

Kit Harington

kit-harrington-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: I mean, he isn’t dressed special but is still a very cute man.

Charlene: I think he’s wearing a nice suit with a very nice cut and is indeed a very cute man.

Evan Rachel Wood

evan-rachel-wood-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: She looks frickin stunning, best dressed by far. Honestly that dress is perfect.

Charlene: I do love the beautiful simplicity of this dress. Stunning.

Hilaria Baldwin

hilaria-baldwin-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: I mean… wow. That for sure is a look. Kinda looks like a thanksgiving table runner turned couture.

Charlene: I actually think this dress is really pretty. It seems odd that I would like an orange evening gown, but I even like the color.

Jonathan Van Ness

jonathan-van-ness-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: That sure is, uhhh something. The under shirt is really a look that I don’t think we need more of.

Charlene: Agree. I don’t even think I want to see someone I want to see without a shirt  in that gawd awful see-through shirt. No thank you very much.

Megan Mullally

megan-mullally-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-arrivals-fashion

Marley: She kinda looks like a fancy school teacher

Charlene: Yeah, I want to like this dress, but it’s just too casual for me.

Sarah Paulson

sarah-paulson-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: IDK why she thought that was a good idea. She looks so uncomfortable. Also, boob contour was NOT blended. Im offended.

Charlene: Yeah, not a fan of this dress. And even more so, what I’m really not a fan of was the trend last night of the women having their hair pulled back with that middle part and severe makeup. Do not like!

Sandra Oh

sandra-oh-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion
Marley: She can do no wrong. She is perfect.

Charlene: 100% agree. This was one of my favorite dresses of the night. It is gorgeous.

Emilia Clarke 

emilia-clarke-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: Yikes. It was like half cute but the top was just done so badly.

Charlene: Yeah, I have to agree with Marley. I can’t say exactly what I don’t love about this dress – it’s not ugly, it just doesn’t work for me. And there’s that hairstyle again. It’s like all they hair stylists in Hollywood got lazy.

Keri Russell

keri-russell-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: How many birds did she have to murder to make this dress?

Charlene: I actually love this dress, which is odd as the whole asymetrical-part-of-your-dress-is-missing thing doesn’t usually work for me, but somehow this dress does work and I think Keri looks hot. Also, this shade of yellow is on the green side and not good.

Regina King

regina-king-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: This is what happens when highlighters come to life and attack.

Charlene: Damn, I love Regina King, but I do not love this dress. That circle thing in the front looks like a mini version of those sunshields you pop up and put in your car window to keep it from getting too hot. Like someone just unrolled one of those things and popped it in the front of her dress.

Gwendoline Christie

gwendolyn-christie-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: She must be on the run from the cops because she had to of stolen that material from somebody’s curtain rod.

Charlene: I think she looks beautiful and I loved the dress when I saw it on TV, but that ride in the limo did make her a little wrinkley. Also, this shade of yellow is too mustardy for my taste.

Jenifer Lewis

jenifer-lewis-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion-nike

Marley: I approve of this highly.

Charlene: Me too.

Leslie Jones

leslie-jones-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Marley: I mean, I love a good pantsuit but wow that isn’t a good pantsuit.

Charlene: I kind of want to hate it because it sort of looks like a Care Bear vomited on a suit, but for Leslie it kind of works. (What do you think?)

And here are a few that Marley missed (plus she didn’t pick nearly enough men!):

Amy Sedaris

Amy-Sedaris-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Amy Sedaris is funny AF, but that doesn’t mean she has to dress funny. This dress is a nope.com for me. Also, I would have tripped on the laces of those shoes.

Connie Britton

connie-britton-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Connie Britton looks gorgeous and I want to like this dress, but honestly it looks like a longer version of a dress I could have gotten from White House Black Market when they were featuring a teal line.

Maya Rudolph

maya-rudolph-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

This looks like a puffy sleeved prom dress from the 80’s. And not a pretty one. But, it was better than the horrific one she wore on TV.

maya-rudolph-white-emmy-dress
Please excuse the grainy-out-of-focus picture I snapped of Maya Rudolph on my TV.

Adina Porter

adina-porter-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Now this is how you wear yellow. Gorgeous shade and gorgeous dress.

Jessica Biel

jessica-biel-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Last year I wasn’t sure about Jessica Biel’s dress. This year I am sure, and I love it! She looks fab.

Kristen Bell

kristen-bell-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

This dress is stunning. Simplicity at its finest. I don’t even mind her (almost) center-part pulled back hair. The dress is gorgeous and so is she.

And now for some men…

Karamo Brown

karamo-brown-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

He looks like a gay pirate who came across a Harry Potter cape and some horse riding boots. But he looks like a smokin’ hot gay pirate who came across a Harry Potter cape and some horse riding boots, so I’ll allow it.

Milo Ventimiglia

milo-ventimiglia-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Milo looks like a waiter. A hot waiter. And yet, I still cannot allow it.

Jimmy O. Yang

jimmy-o-yang-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-arrivals-fashion

Jimmy looks very dapper in his burgundy suit. I dig the cut and the color and give him a big thumbs up.

John Legend

john-legend-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

Speaking of dapper, could John Legend look any finer? (Hint: the answer is no.)

Justin Hartley

justin-hartley-2018-emmy-awards-red-carpet-fashion

I’m inclined to say that Justin Hartley’s sleeves are too short – but look at him. Who cares!

And that my friends, wraps up this year’s Emmy’s Red Carpet Review. (Or as Marley likes to call it – Emmy’s Red Carpet Roast.)

We’d love to hear your comments. Any looks we missed? Anything you disagree with? We’d love to know!

Photos were found here and here.

 

 

My 2018 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

So. My timing hasn’t been great this year.

You may remember the night of the Golden Globes was on my son’s 21st birthday.

And the Oscars? They are rudely happening on the night of a business trip to Las Vegas.

mandalay-bay-hotel-room
My red carpet view.

 

What the mother-loving what?! Can’t these freaking awards be the earth to my sun and revolve around my schedule? Sigh…

So I’ve decided to hand the reins over to my daughter. I have to admit, I don’t even know who all of these people are, but I uploaded photos of dresses I hated and dresses I loved and I’m letting Marley do all the commentary. (Which, I have to be honest, is more than just a little bit hard for a control freak like me. But I trust her. Mostly. Besides, I’ve got a work dinner I’ve got to get to.)

And so, may I present to you, Marley Ross’s snarky Academy Awards Red Carpet Commentary…

andra-day-oscars
Andra Day

Marley: She looks like she ran out of time whilst getting dressed and decided to steal the fancy hotel duvet cover. I just don’t know who looked at this and really thought, “this is it, this is the perfect dress.”

 

emily-blunt-oscars
Emily Blunt

Marley: I guess she also decided to steal and thought to take the canopy from her daughter’s room and give it to a stylist to fix a little. The color is very pretty, but it’s such an ugly dress.

 

gina-rodriguez-oscars
Gina Rodriguez

Her dressed are always beautiful, and this one is no exception. The color, the style, and the design is just all perfect for her.

 

nicole-kidman-oscars
Nicole Kidman

Marley: She looks like an old Barbie doll, but not in a good way. The dress is hideous, but the color makes her look great. The style is just such a miss, though.

 

selma-hayek
Selma Hayek

Marley: The only good thing about this dress is the color. And how it makes her waist look great. Everything else is just ugly. The sequins. The diamonds. Just… all of it.

 

st-vincent-oscars
St Vincent

Marley: Okay but why? This is just the worst. Even her face seems like she’s thinking “God help me.” The shoes look like hooves.

 

taraj-p-henson-oscars-1
Taraji P. Henson

Marley: This is my favorite dress of the night. It’s so perfect for her, its just beautiful. The slit it stunning, and the top part of the dress is so well designed.

 

whoopi-goldberg-oscars
Whoopi Goldberg

Marley: Oh Whoopi… who hurt you like this? The color and style is good, but that’s about it. The design looks like something from another century.

 

haley-bennett-oscars-
Haley Bennett

Marley: Okay but seriously, this is the ugliest thing I’ve seen, and I’ve seen our President playing tennis. I don’t know if that’s the fur of one hundred raccoons, or the hay from one hundred barns. I genuinely cannot tell.

 

Allison Janney
Allison Janney

This is a really simple but gorgeous dress. It’s perfect for her.

 

ashley-judd-oscars
Ashely Judd

Marley: Another simple but beautiful dress. The color is very complimenting for her.

 

betty-gabriel-oscars
Betty Gabriel

Marley: This is my second favorite dress. The top is stunning and the color is so unique.

 

elza-gonzalas-oscars
Elza Gonzalez

Marley: I think this is the perfect dress for her. I really love it.

 

gal-gadot-oscar
Gal Gadot

Marley: That dress costs more than mine and Chandler’s college tuition. And honestly, I think it’s ugly. It’s reminds me of the 20’s but not in a good way.

 

helen-mirren-oscars
Helen Mirren

Marley: I love the blue and how everything matches so well.

 

jennifer-garner-oscrs
Jennifer Garner

Marley: The length is perfect, the color is perfect, and the style is perfect.

 

jennifer-lawrence-oscars
Jennifer Lawrence

Marley: This dress looks like somebody robbed a Coinstar and took only the nickles to glue together for this dress.

 

laura-dern-oscars
Laura Dern

Marley: This is so flattering and beautiful. A great choice for her.

 

adam-rippon-oscars
Adam Rippon

Marley: He looks like he just left some bondage event and forgot the Oscar’s were happening.

 

daniel-kaluuya-oscars
Daniel Kaluuya

Marley: God I love him. He looks amazing in this suit. And very attractive 11/10.

 

lin-manuel-miranda-oscars
Lin Manuel Miranda

Marley: The blue is a great color and he’s just adorable.

 

jordan-peele
Jordan Peele

Marley: This suit is great. The off white, the black tie, and the antlers pin that if you’ve seen the movie you’ll understand. It’s a great ode to his debut movie and just a really great outfit.

Well, there you have it, friends. I do disagree with some of her picks, but for the most part, for a kid who spends most of her time in leggings and hoodies, she’s got a pretty keen eye for fashion. (She takes after her mother that way!)

Photos credits: fashionista.com and

My 2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Review

I have to tell you, it’s pretty hard to be snarky about Golden Globe fashion when everyone is looking so fabulous wearing black and standing in unity against sexual harassment.

Also, for like five minutes there was a chance that I was going to be a seat filler at last night’s awards. Okay, so it was a slim chance, but I had an in (or thought I did) and I was working it. So instead of blogging about the red carpet, I would have been living it. (Well, from the sidelines.) But that is a story for another time.

Plus, yesterday was Chandler’s 21st birthday. So instead of sitting on the couch with my laptop snarkily typing away, we were busy getting messy at the local peel and eat crab restaurant. (Side note: I was really looking forward to buying Chandler is “first drink,” but the restaurant only serves wine and beer, neither of which he likes (not that he knows that since he just turned 21 yesterday), so I didn’t get to do that, but he loved the food and it was fun and funny eating everything with our hands, and he told me it was the best restaurant we could have gone to, so I’ll call that a win.)

Chandler birthday
Not so red carpet ready

So, what I’m trying to say is, this year’s post may not be very snarky. It seems kind of wrong with all the love and unity that was going on last night. But Marley and I did try our best. (Plus, she’s a teenager, so it kind of comes naturally.)

Nicole Kidman

When it comes to bad fashion, Nicole Kidman rarely disappoints (Marley: Nicole Kidman always wears an ugly dress) and I’d like to say last night was no exception, but this dress isn’t so bad. I don’t like the like the wingy sleeve things, but other than that this is a pretty dress and a big improvement over what she usually wears.

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Nicole Kidman (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

 

Alison Willams

Marley: Yikes! It looks like she’s repping Target.

Me: Um.. I like the bottom.

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Allison Williams

 

Debra Messing

A lot of women chose to wear pants last night as symbolism for taking back their power. I loved that message and most of the looks, but Debra Messing’s part dress/part pants ensemble is a no for me. Also, she needs to fire her makeup artist. That green eye shadow she was sporting is a big no.  (I love you, Debra, so sorry, but, NO!)

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Debra Messing
Debra Messing

 

Kate Hudson

Marley: It looks like the lamp from A Christmas Story.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson

 

Kendall Jenner

Marley: I like the dress, but why is she there? You know what it looks like? One of those princess cakes – where the dress is the cake.

I’m with Marley. Why is she there? Plus, the dress is a little much for me.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner

 

Kerry Washington

Yes, yes, yes! I love her dress, her boots, everything. I think she looks fabulous.

Marley: I love Kerry Washington, but she looks like a sparkly trash bag.

Marley is wrong.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Kerry Washington
Kerry Washington

 

Like I said, it was kind of a struggle to find bad dresses last night. Even the bad dresses weren’t terrible. Plus. Love. Unity. Girl Power. All that stuff. So here are some women (and men – you’re welcome) who I think looked particularly fabulous last night.

Laurie Metcalf

I think the part dress/part pants look really looked for Laurie. I think she looks fabulous.

2018 golden globes laurie metcalf
Laurie Metcalf

 

Reece Witherspoon

Reece always makes my best dressed list and this year is no exception. She looks classy and gorgeous as always.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Reece Witherspoon
Reece Witherspoon

 

Dakota Johnson

The front of Dakota Johnson’s dress was subtle and pretty, but the back of her dress – wow! I love it! It’s gorgeous.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Dakota Johnson
Dakota Johnson

 

Mandy Moore

Marley: It’s simple, it’s pretty, the red band is a nice pop of color. There’s nothing special about it, but there’s also nothing wrong with it. It’s a nice dress.

I think Marley is wrong. This dress is stunning.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Mandy Moore
Mandy Moore

 

Laura Dern

I absolutely love this dress and Laura Dern looks hot!

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Laura Dern
Laura Dern

 

Halle Berry

I love her dress and she might win for most beautiful woman on the planet.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Halle Berry
Halle Berry

 

Ewan McGregor

I love him. You’re welcome.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Ewan McGregor
Ewan McGregor

 

Chris Hemsworth

Swoon. And again. You’re welcome.

2018 Golden Globe Red Carpet Chris Hemsworth
Chris Hemsworth

 

So that’s it. My not-so-snarky red carpet review. Did you watch the Golden Globes? What did you think of fashion? Let me know what I missed.

 

Photos borrowed from Just Jared, Huffington Post, and CNN

My 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

Okay, so I have to confess. I didn’t know the Emmy’s were on last night. It’s not that I forgot or that it slipped my mind. It just wasn’t on my radar. At all.

Sorry, but I’m very busy. Friday night I went see Hall and Oates/Tears for Fears in concert. Yes, it was awesome and you should be very (very) jealous.

Saturday morning I went to a 9AM yogaish/boot campish class at Malibu Winery. This guy was my instructor.

AdamVonRothfelder
Adam Von Rothfelder (I won’t tell if you google his name to see if he has any underwear model pictures. Hint: he does.)

Again, it’s okay if you’re a little jealous.

Saturday afternoon I got a much needed haircut and root touch up. Not that I’m mostly likely 100% gray or anything. (No need to be jealous about that.)

Saturday night Marley and I went to the Green Day concert at the Rose Bowl. You should be most jealous about that, because Oh. My. God. They were amazing. And Marley got us the total hook up when she snapchatted that she was there and a friend saw her post and messaged her that her brother was working the show and he hooked us up with floor passes. And if you’re wondering if being on the floor is really a lot better than being in the shit seats (almost) all the way at the top, the answer is YES!

And then Sunday, I completed the fabulousness by doing laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning my room. (#livingthedream) Also, I saw my mom and step-dad who just got home from a three month vacation. That, of course, was so nice.

See. I’ve been busy.

So at 8:15 on Sunday evening when we had just sat down to watch our DVR’d America’s Got Talent semi-finals and I envisioned myself falling asleep on the couch 30 minutes later, Marley got a text from my friend Laurel asking if she could babysit later in the week and was she going to be snarking on the Emmy’s with me tonight.

We missed the Red Carpet! We missed the beginning of the show. And I was so tired. I came this close to saying, “Screw it,” and just not doing it this year. But we do this for you, not for us, so we decided to rally. Marley sat next to me on the couch while we simultaneously watched the show and scanned the internet for Red Carpet pictures.

So I present to you our (Unplanned-Oh-Shit-Totally-Last-Minute) 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review:

The Nope

Ajiona Alexus

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Marley: No. It looks like she’s wearing a diaper, the way that thing V’s and it looks like the designer didn’t have enough of the same fabric, so just used whatever he had and it was the first time he used a sewing machine.

Me: She is stunning, but there is just way too much going on there. It looks like a Project Runway designer tried way too hard to be cutting edge. Maybe without the weird train thing. But even then, Marley is right about the whole diaper, V thing.

Zoe Kravitz

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Zoe Kravitz made a lot of people’s Best Dressed list. Not ours.

Marley: That dress looks like it was made with Dollar Store pom poms mixed with piñata.

Sarah Paulson

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Marley: Oh no! She looks like a burrito.

Me: a burrito?

Marley: Yeah, you know, wrapped up in tin foil, to go. Wait, that was Sarah Paulson? Oh no. I love her. Sweetie, no!

Me: Also, what’s with the hair? Sorry, Sarah, Marley and I are in agreeance. We love you, but your Emmy look a two thumbs down, no!

Tracee Ellis Ross

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Marley: That dress is terrible. Disco ball gone wrong.

Me: I think she and Sarah Paulson share the same terrible designer.

Jane Fonda

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I am very conflicted because I love Jane Fonda – she looks great and has obviously made a deal with the devil, but the Barbie pink color and sorority-girl pony tail are not working for me.

Mandy Moore

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Marley: She looks like she’s wearing a Double Stuffed Oreo.

Samantha Bee

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Marley: Ugh. No.

Me: I love Samantha Bee, but I’ve got to give her dress an F. (Sorry, Sam!)

Anna Chlumsky

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Marley: The way the red carpet reflect in her dress looks like Hurricane Irma, you know, the eye of the storm.

Me: Reflection or not, I call her disco ball dress a no.

The Men

Milo Ventimiglia

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Marley: At least he doesn’t have the pornstache.

Me: I think he looks dreamy.

Donald Glover

emmys-2017-red-carpet-donald-glover
Stephen Glover and Donald Glover

Marley: See, Donald Glover looks. He’s always stylish. He always looks nice. I just love him. But he’s quitting rapping and that makes me sad. 

Rupaul

emmys-2017-red-carpet-rupaul

Marley: It looks great because it’s RuPaul and everything looks good on RuPaul. On anyone else it would be hideous, but RuPaul is a god.

Jason Bateman

jason bateman

I have searched the internet high and low for a picture of Jason Bateman on the Red Carpet last night, but cannot find any. This is obviously a crime against humanity because he looked yummy.

Marley: Oh god, Mom. Do not call people yummy. It’s disgusting.

Anyway, please enjoy this picture of Jason and his beautiful wife Amanda Anka from the 2013 Emmy Red Carpet. He basically looked the same: beautiful.

The We’re Not Sure

Reece Witherspoon

emmys-2017-red-carpet-reece witherspoon

Marley: I think she looks great, but I don’t like it.

Me: I love it and the color is spectacular, but it looks a little too casual for me. Fabulous, but casual.

Issa Rae

emmys-2017-red-carpet-issa-rae

Her dress was gorgeous. Well it would have been if it didn’t have those weird unnecessary asymmetrical sleeves.

Marley: I don’t like that weird sleeve and I don’t support it. They just seem wrong.

 

Jessica Biel

emmys-2017-red-carpet-jessica-biel

She looks gorgeous – the boppit side ponytail totally works for her. The more I look at the dress, the more I like it, but I still don’t know – depending on the angle it goes from gorgeous to weird. Marley says no, but without any snarky commentary. She’s making a lot of Best Dressed lists, but also some Worst Dressed lists. I’ll ask you, what do you think?

The Yes!

Michelle Pfeiffer

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Talk about deal with the devil! I think Michelle Pfieffer might just be the most beautiful woman in the world. This dress is stunning and so is she.

Thandie Newton

emmys-2017-red-carpet-thandie-newton

Marley: That’s a pretty dress. It looks like a prom dress, but it’s pretty.

Me: She looks like a princess. I love the simplicity. Gorgeous.

 

 

Kate McKinnon

emmys-2017-kate-mckinnon

Marley:  I love it because I love her and she’s good.

Me: I love it too. Classy and simple, yet fabulous.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

emmys-2017-red-carpet-julia-louis-dreyfus

Marley: Yeah. Um, I know she’s great, but it looks like she has a centerpiece from a wedding table across her dress.

Marley is right about Julia Louis Dreyfus being great. She is 100% wrong about her dress. It’s fabulous. And she looked amazing.

Laura Dern

emmys-2017-red-carpet-laura-dern

Marley: Part of it looks like a disco ball and is poorly put together. The bottom look like sad cheerleader pom poms. Not the nice ones, but the ninety nine cent store ones. what is with iall the pom pom dresses this year? Yikes!

Again, my darling daughter is very misguided. I love this dress, including the (not sad) pom poms.

Nicole Kidman

emmys-2017-red-carpet-nicole-kidman

I saved my favorite dress for last. Just like this year at the Oscars, Nicole has moved from my Worst Dressed List to my Best Dressed List. I freaking love this dress. (In fact, I think it would look good on me.)

Marley: Eh. I don’t like the diamond part. (Marley is 1000% wrong.)

So there it is – My and Marley’s 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review. Oh, and if you want to see more of Marley and her fashion advice, check out this Buzzfeed video where she helps give one of the Try Guys a makeover. (Yes, my daughter in a Buzzfeed video – so cool!)

 

And as always, I love your comments. What did we get right (everything), what did we get wrong (nothing), and what did we miss?

 

Most photos were taken from here, some from here, and the one of Adam Von Rothfelder here.

My 2017 Academy Award Red Carpet Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them)

I have to be honest, people. This year’s Oscar post (like the end of the show – OMG!!!) is going to be a bit of a mess. I wasn’t able to watch the red carpet (I know!) because my father is in town from Austin and we had a family barbecue/reunion at the same time. (Talk about rude!) Of course we recorded it, or tried to, but something went wonky with the DVR and it didn’t record. We also missed the first 80 minutes of the show, so there’s that. (I was able to watch Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue online – brilliant!)

So, instead of sitting down and watching the show and giving it my full attention (as I like to do even though I literally saw zero of the movies) I half-watched while I scanned the internet for red carpet photos. I tried to enlist Marley’s help, but she’s battling strep throat and just wasn’t feeling it. She did give me some input, but quit half-way through.

That’s my overly long and pathetic excuse as to why this year’s Academy Award Red Carpet post is lame, and like Price Waterhouse, I might be out of a job next year. (Except they got paid a lot of money for their fuck-up, while I just do this out of the goodness of my heart.) Also, remember, I always do this in a rush and don’t have time to edit, so there’s sure to be tons of mistakes.

With that being said and without further adieu, here is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet Review…

First what I did not like:

Janelle Monáe
Um… No! I actually appreciate the provocativeness of this dress and think it’s very pretty. Or it would be very pretty if it didn’t have that tulle bustle or peplum or whatever you call it on the side. (Seriously, what the effity eff is that?!) Again… No! Less is more and the less of this dress would be so much more if that bustle/peplum was gone, baby gone!

Marley: Elie Saab might need to take a break in designing dresses, because obviously he cannot design a good dress. I mean honestly, what is that mess he put on her? 

(BTW, I wanted to post a picture of Meryl Streep in her beautiful Elie Saab creation last night, but I can’t seem to find a picture of the entire dress. Unless it’s of Meryl tripping on the red carpet and I won’t post that, so Marley is right that this dress is a mess, but wrong about the overall design-worthiness of Elie Saab.)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-janelle-monae

Dakota Johnson
I can’t tell what’s worse, this terrible dress or her stupid hair. Where did she get it done at the #TBT 1976 salon? I usually find Dakota Johnson gorgeous and delightful – this look is neither of those things. I give this entire look two big fat thumbs down! (Oh how I wish Marley had felt up to panning this one!)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-dakota-johnson

Naomie Harris
I don’t hate this dress, but I am underwhelmed by it. It’s just, meh. If this dress had been long without the train I would have liked it, but it’s not, so I don’t. It’s trying too hard to be different and it doesn’t work for me.

Marley: All I can say is that Calvin Klein should probably stick to designing underwear, because that’s obviously all that he’s good at.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-naomie-harris

Ruth Negga
This looks like an old fashioned wedding dress that was dyed red. I am not a fan.

Marley: I didn’t know that wearing your grandmother’s tablecloth is the new fashion.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-ruth-negga

Salma Hayek
I simply adore Salma Hayek and think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but this dress looks like a long negligee. I’m going to have to put it in the nope pile.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-salma-hayek

Blanca Blanco
Marley: Oh. My. God. This dress might be the most hideous of the night. The pattern is so ugly, the ruffles on the shoulders trigger me, and the color looks like something out of a mustard bottle.

First, who the hell is Blanca Blanco? Should I know who she is? Second, good thing we didn’t see the actual red carpet, because apparently Ms. Blanco wardrobe malfunctioned her lady parts and if those ruffles triggered Marley, god knows a vag flash would set her off the deep end. Third, holy hell, this dress is ugly. (But I will say, her shoes are spectacular. I know my friends Kim and Tina would LOVE them!)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-blanca-blanco

Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel is gorgeous and has great taste in men, but she is a fashion disaster. I think this dress is ugly. I will say that we did watch some of the red carpet at the BBQ and my twenty-five year old niece said the dress wasn’t ugly, it was bold. So maybe I’m just old and don’t know what I’m talking about. (I’m not and I do. I’m right, she’s wrong!)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-jessica-biel

Okay, and now on to what I did like…

Emma Stone
Marley thinks Emma Stone looks like an Oscar in this dress, but I LOVE it! I especially love the way the fringe swished when she walked. Her hair, those earrings, that lipstick – perfection!

(BTW, Marley says she does not think that and I am a liar. But she did not like her dress. Actually, I don’t know if Marley liked any dresses this year. Sigh…)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-emma-stone
LOVE!

Viola Davis
I freaking love this dress. I love it! I want to wear it because it would hide my batwing upper arms (I do not think Viola Davis has batwing upper arms, she looks like she has toned, perfect, gorgeous arms) and I happen to look great in read. (I think everyone looks great in red.) Plus, she looks amazing. Her hair, her makeup – she is simply glowing. The only thing more stunning than Viola Davis was her speech. How elegant and spectacular she is.

Marley: There really wasn’t anything special about it. It’s a dress. (Just wait until you get the batwings Marley and come back and tell me how you feel about this dress then. It’s a family curse and your day will come, my young daughter. Your day will come!)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-viola-davis

Brie Larson
I think Brie Larson’s Oscar De La Renta’s dress is a masterpiece. The end.

Marley: She looks like she just stepped out of the shower with that hair. And that dress is more stiff than my English teacher’s humor.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-brie-larson

Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidman usually makes my worst dressed list, but this year she surprised me. I think this dress is very pretty. Like her taste in men, her taste in fashion seems to be improving. (Oh, who am I kidding, when she married Tom Cruise, before he went off the crazy couch, he was hot AF.)

Marley: Oh no, she’s still on the worst dressed list. (Marley is WRONG!)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-nicole-kidman

Halle Berry
I’m sure I’ll get some push back for this, because I’ve already seen people panning this look online, calling the dress dated and the wig a  big ol’ mess, but I love them both.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-halle-berry

Olivia Culpo
I have no idea who Olivia Culpo is and I have no time to do a search on Google. But I think this dress is gorgeous. It looks like a wedding dress Laney Delaney would design.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-olivia-culpo

Chrissy Teigen
I thought this dress was just gorgeous. In fact I love her dress so much, you get to see the front and the back. Plus, I just love Chrissy Teigen. Yes, she is better than all of us and that’s okay. Someone has to be. And if you don’t follow her on Twitter, you should. (Her Twitter feed is also better than yours. And most definitely mine. Sorry, that’s just the cold, hard truth.)

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-chrissy-teigen-front-and-back-of-dress

And now some eye candy for the ladies (who am I kidding, except for my dad and my uncle, it’s all ladies reading this post).

Mahershala Ali
Mahershala Ali is looking fine! I wish I’d seen him win his Oscar. I also didn’t see Moonlight, but he’s my crush on House of Cards. I heart him. 🙂

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-mahershala-ali

Ryan Gosling
I have to admit, Ryan Gosling just doesn’t do it for me. (And, yes, I did see Crazy Stupid Love, and no, I did not see La La Land) I mean, he’s good looking, he’s just not for me. But because I care about my readers, and I do this for you, here you go ladies. Enjoy. Except for what the what with that ruffled tux? Did he go tux shopping with Dakota Johnson?

Marley: Next to being an overrated actor who isn’t that attractive, apparently now he’ll go down in the Oscar history books for the ugliest tux ever worn.

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Javier Bardem
Because he’s perfect.

2017-academy-awards-oscars-red-carpet-javier-bardem

And that is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet recap. I’d love to hear what you think. Am I right? (Yes!) Am I wrong? (No!) What did I miss?

Photo credits: New York Times, Except for Jessica Biel & Olivia Culpo from PopSugar and Chrissy Teigen from People