Kim says, “I don’t usually watch the red carpet, but since Charlene is traveling, I am pulling it out for a friend. As you know, there’s really only one reason to pay attention to awards shows; in fact, you really don’t even have to watch them, you just need to read Charlene’s fashion coverage.”
Laurel says, “Charlene’s red carpet blog posts are always my favorite, and the fact that she’s letting me guest write this one with Kim is nothing shy of an honor. And believe me, I wouldn’t be caught dead in an ugly pink dress for this one.”
The “Pink No” Category
Gemma Chan from Crazy Rich Asians
Country singer Kacey Musgraves
Actress Linda Cardellini
Switching now to the “Pink Yes” category…
Julia freakin’ Roberts
Let’s consider Allison Janney, shall we?
Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk
Michael B. Jordan and Mother Donna
Marina de Tavira
Producer Lynette Howell Taylor
Lucy Boynton and Rami Malek
JLo and ARod
Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet
Heidi “yikes” Klum
Well, Charlene, thanks for letting us take over your blog. We feel for the poor souls who run social media and blogs for the Academy and the entertainment channels, because this work was hard enough. Those suckers had to post their opinions in real time. We had the luxury of sipping wine, eating delicious Persian food, and kicking back in our sweats. Maybe you’ll get to watch the show again in style next year! -Laurel and Kim
Can I start by saying that I was hijacked this weekend. Or kidnapped. Or somethinged. What I’m trying to say is this: I had planned on taking down Christmas on Saturday (Yes, I’m one of those who waits until after New Year’s to take down Christmas. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be.) and then spend Sunday morning finishing that up, getting the boxes up into the attic, grocery shopping for the week, and getting all my chores done so I could plop my ass down on the couch at 3:00 to watch the Golden Globe Red Carpet with Marley and I could actually get this blog post (mostly) written Sunday night.
Here’s what actually happened. Saturday Chandler bamboozled me into cleaning out the garage with him (a project he started while home for winter break to alleviate his boredom and advance his procrastination in applying for jobs, that I am grateful for, but really didn’t want to be a part of) with the promise he would help me on Sunday taking down Christmas. Of course we didn’t finish Saturday, and had to finish Sunday. At noon. And guess what? It takes more than three hours to take down Christmas. Also, surprise, he was not nearly as helpful to me with Christmas as I was to him with the garage. So Christmas is only 3/4 taken down and my living room is a disaster.
Plus I forgot Marley had to work yesterday until five o’clock. And wanted to go out with her boyfriend. (We never see her anymore. Our house has become a hotel for her, where she showers, sleeps, and occasionally has breakfast.) We watched the Red Carpet on the DVR, Marley gave her commentary (though I’m not sure her heart was really in it), and then took off to go play Pokemon Go or whatever it is she and her boyfriend do every night. (And don’t roll your eyes and tell me you know what they’re doing. La la la la – I’m not listening. Also, I know.)
The good news is, my friend Laurel came through by emailing me many pictures from with her comments written right on top of them. (Laurel and I have decided that next year we must watch the awards together, because her snark is spot-on.) I texted Marley Laurel’s pics and she stopped playing Pokemon Go (or whatever it is they were doing) and gave me her commentary on those pictures. Also, if some of these photos look like they came from someone texting/emailing from a cellphone that’s because they did.
So, that’s my long-winded way of saying, I’m not sure this is our best. But we’ll give it a go.
Me: Yikes is right!
Marley: That outfit is wack but I don’t know if anybody is more gorgeous than her.
Me: I agree. In a room full of the most beautiful people in the room, she may be the most beautiful, wack outfit or not.
Me: I have to disagree with Laurel on this one. While Heidi usually does make my worst dressed list, I actually think this dress is very pretty. I give it a two-thumbs up.
Marley: I actually like Heidi’s dress this time.
Marley: Her dress is really pretty, but it looks so stiff and uncomfortable, like it has rods in it and she can’t sit down. Me: I think it’s gorgeous. Love the color and love the bling. And everyone knows when it comes to haute couture it is better to look good than to feel good.
Marley: The under dress – terrible. The whatever that cape is – terrible. The dress looks like it was painted by kindergartners. Me: Agree. Love Lucy Liu. Hate this dress.
Marley: That’s a really pretty dress. And it has pockets! Every time a woman has a dress with pockets she’ll tell you it has pockets. Me: I agree. Love the dress, love her hair and simple make-up. And yes, she’s right about the pockets (because pockets are the best).
Marley: Her dress is really pretty, but I don’t like that weird strap. What is that? A backpack. Why?! Me: Gorgeous! I like the iridescent sequins, love the straps and the back. Classic Hollywood glamour.
Marley: That’s really pretty. Her bangs look like they were cut with safety scissors and separated like curtains Me: GORGEOUS. My favorite dress so far. LOVE the color and everything about it. And her bangs are awesome. Bangs are the BEST!
Marley: It’s nice, but I don’t really like the stars. It looks a little like a Snuggie. Me: Hair and makeup is a yes. The dress? I think Laurel nailed it with the Harry Potter comment.
Marley: Yikes! The sleeves are terrible. The dress isn’t bad (it’s a lot, but it could be way worse), but the sleeves are so ugly. Me: Nope.com
And Laurel’s nine-year-old daughter (and future Red Carpet commentator) say, “Poop.”
Marley: She’s adorable and looks perfect My husband: Schwing! Dress of the night. Me: Agree. This dress is phenom!
Marley: She’s never looked more beautiful. She looks powerful and just so happy. I love her.
Me: I agree. Gorgeous. And I also loved both of the dresses she wore on the show. Oh, yes, indeed!
Marley: Is that a bondage top? A harness? I don’t get it.
Me: I think he got confused and thought he was participating in an ice skating competition.
Jamie Lee Curtis
Me: Of all the fabulous people, I think Jamie Lee Curtis just might be the most fabulous. I love her so much!
Me: Yes, yes, yes!
Marley: She looks like she’s 32 and I’m pretty sure that she’s not.
Me: You are right, Marley. She’s not. Hotness all around.
Taraji P. Henson
Marley: She looks really pretty. Me: I wish I had the nerve (and the bod) to wear a dress like that. And that necklace? Yes, please.
Marley: She is perfect
Me: She looks fierce. I love it!
Marley: Why would you hurt yourself like that? That’s so terrible.
Me: I feel like I should really hate this, but I don’t. It kind of works. I’m with Laurel. Why not?
I could keep going. But you’re probably getting tired. And my word count has already passed the 1,000-word-count mark. Plus, I’ve got a job. I’ve got to get to work and they prefer that I shower before I go in (especially since I didn’t yesterday!). But you know I like to leave you with some man candy. So here you go…
Me: Looks like a waiter, but a hot waiter (and if there’s one thing I love, it’s hot waiters), so it’s a yes for me.
Marley: I love him. He looks amazing. He looks great. He always looks great. He’s adorable. He looks perfect.
Me: He looks very handsome. Great tux.
Bradley Cooper (AKA My Boyfriend)
I could not find a picture of my boyfriend without his smoking hot baby mama on his arm. Although who could blame her? I wouldn’t let go of him either.
Laurel: Bradley looks like he’s going to teach tango on a cruise ship. Why all white??? BTW, I’d tango with him.
Me: Hot waiter. And yes, not loving the white pants. But then again, who’s looking at his pants.
Marley: His jacket looks like wallpaper. Me: I think it looks more like wrapping paper. The kind you’d use for a woman of certain age’s milestone birthday. But did you hear the wonderful things he said about his mother during his acceptance speech? So lovely. His terrible jacket has been forgiven.
Michael B. Jordan
Speaking of perfection, I will leave you with this. Idris Elba with his fiancee and daughter. Love his suit (his shoes match his jacket & vest!) and in a room full of beautiful people, he might just be the most beautiful man (after my boyfriend, Bradley Cooper of course!).
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Who did I miss. (There were so many more I wanted to put in. Really!) I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Every few years the Emmy’s are on a Monday. I’m sure it has something to do with football. I’m just going to go on record as saying I don’t like it.
Marley wins the trooper award because she worked until 11:00 last night and I woke up to an email (sent at 12:26 AM) with Marley’s Emmy comments.
So without any further adieu, here is Marley and Charlene’s 2018 Emmy Red Carpet Review:
Tracee Ellis Ross
Marley: She looks like she raided some 8 year old girls bedroom and took her comforter and wore it as a dress. The material looks so cheap. Yikes.
Charlene: I really don’t even know what to say. Who looks at that dress and says, “Yeah, that’s the one!” Well, I guess the answer is Tracee Ellis Ross, buy whyyyy???
Marley: Usually she dresses hella ugly but honestly this is a great color and a nice and classy dress.
Charlene: Heidi Klum is almost always on my worst-dressed list so I thought it was only fair to show her in a dress that’s not terrible. I don’t love it, but it’s pretty and she looks gorgeous.
Marley: I mean, he isn’t dressed special but is still a very cute man.
Charlene: I think he’s wearing a nice suit with a very nice cut and is indeed a very cute man.
Evan Rachel Wood
Marley: She looks frickin stunning, best dressed by far. Honestly that dress is perfect.
Charlene: I do love the beautiful simplicity of this dress. Stunning.
Marley: I mean… wow. That for sure is a look. Kinda looks like a thanksgiving table runner turned couture.
Charlene: I actually think this dress is really pretty. It seems odd that I would like an orange evening gown, but I even like the color.
Jonathan Van Ness
Marley: That sure is, uhhh something. The under shirt is really a look that I don’t think we need more of.
Charlene: Agree. I don’t even think I want to see someone I want to see without a shirt in that gawd awful see-through shirt. No thank you very much.
Marley: She kinda looks like a fancy school teacher
Charlene: Yeah, I want to like this dress, but it’s just too casual for me.
Marley: IDK why she thought that was a good idea. She looks so uncomfortable. Also, boob contour was NOT blended. Im offended.
Charlene: Yeah, not a fan of this dress. And even more so, what I’m really not a fan of was the trend last night of the women having their hair pulled back with that middle part and severe makeup. Do not like!
Marley: She can do no wrong. She is perfect.
Charlene: 100% agree. This was one of my favorite dresses of the night. It is gorgeous.
Marley: Yikes. It was like half cute but the top was just done so badly.
Charlene: Yeah, I have to agree with Marley. I can’t say exactly what I don’t love about this dress – it’s not ugly, it just doesn’t work for me. And there’s that hairstyle again. It’s like all they hair stylists in Hollywood got lazy.
Marley: How many birds did she have to murder to make this dress?
Charlene: I actually love this dress, which is odd as the whole asymetrical-part-of-your-dress-is-missing thing doesn’t usually work for me, but somehow this dress does work and I think Keri looks hot. Also, this shade of yellow is on the green side and not good.
Marley: This is what happens when highlighters come to life and attack.
Charlene: Damn, I love Regina King, but I do not love this dress. That circle thing in the front looks like a mini version of those sunshields you pop up and put in your car window to keep it from getting too hot. Like someone just unrolled one of those things and popped it in the front of her dress.
Marley: She must be on the run from the cops because she had to of stolen that material from somebody’s curtain rod.
Charlene: I think she looks beautiful and I loved the dress when I saw it on TV, but that ride in the limo did make her a little wrinkley. Also, this shade of yellow is too mustardy for my taste.
Marley: I approve of this highly.
Charlene: Me too.
Marley: I mean, I love a good pantsuit but wow that isn’t a good pantsuit.
Charlene: I kind of want to hate it because it sort of looks like a Care Bear vomited on a suit, but for Leslie it kind of works. (What do you think?)
And here are a few that Marley missed (plus she didn’t pick nearly enough men!):
Amy Sedaris is funny AF, but that doesn’t mean she has to dress funny. This dress is a nope.com for me. Also, I would have tripped on the laces of those shoes.
Connie Britton looks gorgeous and I want to like this dress, but honestly it looks like a longer version of a dress I could have gotten from White House Black Market when they were featuring a teal line.
This looks like a puffy sleeved prom dress from the 80’s. And not a pretty one. But, it was better than the horrific one she wore on TV.
Now this is how you wear yellow. Gorgeous shade and gorgeous dress.
Last year I wasn’t sure about Jessica Biel’s dress. This year I am sure, and I love it! She looks fab.
This dress is stunning. Simplicity at its finest. I don’t even mind her (almost) center-part pulled back hair. The dress is gorgeous and so is she.
And now for some men…
He looks like a gay pirate who came across a Harry Potter cape and some horse riding boots. But he looks like a smokin’ hot gay pirate who came across a Harry Potter cape and some horse riding boots, so I’ll allow it.
Milo looks like a waiter. A hot waiter. And yet, I still cannot allow it.
Jimmy O. Yang
Jimmy looks very dapper in his burgundy suit. I dig the cut and the color and give him a big thumbs up.
Speaking of dapper, could John Legend look any finer? (Hint: the answer is no.)
I’m inclined to say that Justin Hartley’s sleeves are too short – but look at him. Who cares!
And that my friends, wraps up this year’s Emmy’s Red Carpet Review. (Or as Marley likes to call it – Emmy’s Red Carpet Roast.)
We’d love to hear your comments. Any looks we missed? Anything you disagree with? We’d love to know!
You may remember the night of the Golden Globes was on my son’s 21st birthday.
And the Oscars? They are rudely happening on the night of a business trip to Las Vegas.
What the mother-loving what?! Can’t these freaking awards be the earth to my sun and revolve around my schedule? Sigh…
So I’ve decided to hand the reins over to my daughter. I have to admit, I don’t even know who all of these people are, but I uploaded photos of dresses I hated and dresses I loved and I’m letting Marley do all the commentary. (Which, I have to be honest, is more than just a little bit hard for a control freak like me. But I trust her. Mostly. Besides, I’ve got a work dinner I’ve got to get to.)
And so, may I present to you, Marley Ross’s snarky Academy Awards Red Carpet Commentary…
Marley: She looks like she ran out of time whilst getting dressed and decided to steal the fancy hotel duvet cover. I just don’t know who looked at this and really thought, “this is it, this is the perfect dress.”
Marley: I guess she also decided to steal and thought to take the canopy from her daughter’s room and give it to a stylist to fix a little. The color is very pretty, but it’s such an ugly dress.
Her dressed are always beautiful, and this one is no exception. The color, the style, and the design is just all perfect for her.
Marley: She looks like an old Barbie doll, but not in a good way. The dress is hideous, but the color makes her look great. The style is just such a miss, though.
Marley: The only good thing about this dress is the color. And how it makes her waist look great. Everything else is just ugly. The sequins. The diamonds. Just… all of it.
Marley: Okay but why? This is just the worst. Even her face seems like she’s thinking “God help me.” The shoes look like hooves.
Marley: This is my favorite dress of the night. It’s so perfect for her, its just beautiful. The slit it stunning, and the top part of the dress is so well designed.
Marley: Oh Whoopi… who hurt you like this? The color and style is good, but that’s about it. The design looks like something from another century.
Marley: Okay but seriously, this is the ugliest thing I’ve seen, and I’ve seen our President playing tennis. I don’t know if that’s the fur of one hundred raccoons, or the hay from one hundred barns. I genuinely cannot tell.
This is a really simple but gorgeous dress. It’s perfect for her.
Marley: Another simple but beautiful dress. The color is very complimenting for her.
Marley: This is my second favorite dress. The top is stunning and the color is so unique.
Marley: I think this is the perfect dress for her. I really love it.
Marley: That dress costs more than mine and Chandler’s college tuition. And honestly, I think it’s ugly. It’s reminds me of the 20’s but not in a good way.
Marley: I love the blue and how everything matches so well.
Marley: The length is perfect, the color is perfect, and the style is perfect.
Marley: This dress looks like somebody robbed a Coinstar and took only the nickles to glue together for this dress.
Marley: This is so flattering and beautiful. A great choice for her.
Marley: He looks like he just left some bondage event and forgot the Oscar’s were happening.
Marley: God I love him. He looks amazing in this suit. And very attractive 11/10.
Marley: The blue is a great color and he’s just adorable.
Marley: This suit is great. The off white, the black tie, and the antlers pin that if you’ve seen the movie you’ll understand. It’s a great ode to his debut movie and just a really great outfit.
Well, there you have it, friends. I do disagree with some of her picks, but for the most part, for a kid who spends most of her time in leggings and hoodies, she’s got a pretty keen eye for fashion. (She takes after her mother that way!)
I have to tell you, it’s pretty hard to be snarky about Golden Globe fashion when everyone is looking so fabulous wearing black and standing in unity against sexual harassment.
Also, for like five minutes there was a chance that I was going to be a seat filler at last night’s awards. Okay, so it was a slim chance, but I had an in (or thought I did) and I was working it. So instead of blogging about the red carpet, I would have been living it. (Well, from the sidelines.) But that is a story for another time.
Plus, yesterday was Chandler’s 21st birthday. So instead of sitting on the couch with my laptop snarkily typing away, we were busy getting messy at the local peel and eat crab restaurant. (Side note: I was really looking forward to buying Chandler is “first drink,” but the restaurant only serves wine and beer, neither of which he likes (not that he knows that since he just turned 21 yesterday), so I didn’t get to do that, but he loved the food and it was fun and funny eating everything with our hands, and he told me it was the best restaurant we could have gone to, so I’ll call that a win.)
So, what I’m trying to say is, this year’s post may not be very snarky. It seems kind of wrong with all the love and unity that was going on last night. But Marley and I did try our best. (Plus, she’s a teenager, so it kind of comes naturally.)
When it comes to bad fashion, Nicole Kidman rarely disappoints (Marley: Nicole Kidman always wears an ugly dress) and I’d like to say last night was no exception, but this dress isn’t so bad. I don’t like the like the wingy sleeve things, but other than that this is a pretty dress and a big improvement over what she usually wears.
Marley: Yikes! It looks like she’s repping Target.
Me: Um.. I like the bottom.
A lot of women chose to wear pants last night as symbolism for taking back their power. I loved that message and most of the looks, but Debra Messing’s part dress/part pants ensemble is a no for me. Also, she needs to fire her makeup artist. That green eye shadow she was sporting is a big no. (I love you, Debra, so sorry, but, NO!)
Marley: It looks like the lamp from A Christmas Story.
Marley: I like the dress, but why is she there? You know what it looks like? One of those princess cakes – where the dress is the cake.
I’m with Marley. Why is she there? Plus, the dress is a little much for me.
Yes, yes, yes! I love her dress, her boots, everything. I think she looks fabulous.
Marley: I love Kerry Washington, but she looks like a sparkly trash bag.
Marley is wrong.
Like I said, it was kind of a struggle to find bad dresses last night. Even the bad dresses weren’t terrible. Plus. Love. Unity. Girl Power. All that stuff. So here are some women (and men – you’re welcome) who I think looked particularly fabulous last night.
I think the part dress/part pants look really looked for Laurie. I think she looks fabulous.
Reece always makes my best dressed list and this year is no exception. She looks classy and gorgeous as always.
The front of Dakota Johnson’s dress was subtle and pretty, but the back of her dress – wow! I love it! It’s gorgeous.
Marley: It’s simple, it’s pretty, the red band is a nice pop of color. There’s nothing special about it, but there’s also nothing wrong with it. It’s a nice dress.
I think Marley is wrong. This dress is stunning.
I absolutely love this dress and Laura Dern looks hot!
I love her dress and she might win for most beautiful woman on the planet.
I love him. You’re welcome.
Swoon. And again. You’re welcome.
So that’s it. My not-so-snarky red carpet review. Did you watch the Golden Globes? What did you think of fashion? Let me know what I missed.
Okay, so I have to confess. I didn’t know the Emmy’s were on last night. It’s not that I forgot or that it slipped my mind. It just wasn’t on my radar. At all.
Sorry, but I’m very busy. Friday night I went see Hall and Oates/Tears for Fears in concert. Yes, it was awesome and you should be very (very) jealous.
Saturday morning I went to a 9AM yogaish/boot campish class at Malibu Winery. This guy was my instructor.
Again, it’s okay if you’re a little jealous.
Saturday afternoon I got a much needed haircut and root touch up. Not that I’m mostly likely 100% gray or anything. (No need to be jealous about that.)
Saturday night Marley and I went to the Green Day concert at the Rose Bowl. You should be most jealous about that, because Oh. My. God. They were amazing. And Marley got us the total hook up when she snapchatted that she was there and a friend saw her post and messaged her that her brother was working the show and he hooked us up with floor passes. And if you’re wondering if being on the floor is really a lot better than being in the shit seats (almost) all the way at the top, the answer is YES!
And then Sunday, I completed the fabulousness by doing laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning my room. (#livingthedream) Also, I saw my mom and step-dad who just got home from a three month vacation. That, of course, was so nice.
See. I’ve been busy.
So at 8:15 on Sunday evening when we had just sat down to watch our DVR’d America’s Got Talent semi-finals and I envisioned myself falling asleep on the couch 30 minutes later, Marley got a text from my friend Laurel asking if she could babysit later in the week and was she going to be snarking on the Emmy’s with me tonight.
We missed the Red Carpet! We missed the beginning of the show. And I was so tired. I came this close to saying, “Screw it,” and just not doing it this year. But we do this for you, not for us, so we decided to rally. Marley sat next to me on the couch while we simultaneously watched the show and scanned the internet for Red Carpet pictures.
So I present to you our (Unplanned-Oh-Shit-Totally-Last-Minute) 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review:
Marley: No. It looks like she’s wearing a diaper, the way that thing V’s and it looks like the designer didn’t have enough of the same fabric, so just used whatever he had and it was the first time he used a sewing machine.
Me: She is stunning, but there is just way too much going on there. It looks like a Project Runway designer tried way too hard to be cutting edge. Maybe without the weird train thing. But even then, Marley is right about the whole diaper, V thing.
Zoe Kravitz made a lot of people’s Best Dressed list. Not ours.
Marley: That dress looks like it was made with Dollar Store pom poms mixed with piñata.
Marley: Oh no! She looks like a burrito.
Me: a burrito?
Marley: Yeah, you know, wrapped up in tin foil, to go. Wait, that was Sarah Paulson? Oh no. I love her. Sweetie, no!
Me: Also, what’s with the hair? Sorry, Sarah, Marley and I are in agreeance. We love you, but your Emmy look a two thumbs down, no!
Tracee Ellis Ross
Marley: That dress is terrible. Disco ball gone wrong.
Me: I think she and Sarah Paulson share the same terrible designer.
I am very conflicted because I love Jane Fonda – she looks great and has obviously made a deal with the devil, but the Barbie pink color and sorority-girl pony tail are not working for me.
Marley: She looks like she’s wearing a Double Stuffed Oreo.
Marley: Ugh. No.
Me: I love Samantha Bee, but I’ve got to give her dress an F. (Sorry, Sam!)
Marley: The way the red carpet reflect in her dress looks like Hurricane Irma, you know, the eye of the storm.
Me: Reflection or not, I call her disco ball dress a no.
Marley: At least he doesn’t have the pornstache.
Me: I think he looks dreamy.
Marley: See, Donald Glover looks. He’s always stylish. He always looks nice. I just love him. But he’s quitting rapping and that makes me sad.
Marley: It looks great because it’s RuPaul and everything looks good on RuPaul. On anyone else it would be hideous, but RuPaul is a god.
I have searched the internet high and low for a picture of Jason Bateman on the Red Carpet last night, but cannot find any. This is obviously a crime against humanity because he looked yummy.
Marley: Oh god, Mom. Do not call people yummy. It’s disgusting.
Anyway, please enjoy this picture of Jason and his beautiful wife Amanda Anka from the 2013 Emmy Red Carpet. He basically looked the same: beautiful.
The We’re Not Sure
Marley: I think she looks great, but I don’t like it.
Me: I love it and the color is spectacular, but it looks a little too casual for me. Fabulous, but casual.
Her dress was gorgeous. Well it would have been if it didn’t have those weird unnecessary asymmetrical sleeves.
Marley: I don’t like that weird sleeve and I don’t support it. They just seem wrong.
She looks gorgeous – the boppit side ponytail totally works for her. The more I look at the dress, the more I like it, but I still don’t know – depending on the angle it goes from gorgeous to weird. Marley says no, but without any snarky commentary. She’s making a lot of Best Dressed lists, but also some Worst Dressed lists. I’ll ask you, what do you think?
Talk about deal with the devil! I think Michelle Pfieffer might just be the most beautiful woman in the world. This dress is stunning and so is she.
Marley: That’s a pretty dress. It looks like a prom dress, but it’s pretty.
Me: She looks like a princess. I love the simplicity. Gorgeous.
Marley: I love it because I love her and she’s good.
Me: I love it too. Classy and simple, yet fabulous.
Marley: Yeah. Um, I know she’s great, but it looks like she has a centerpiece from a wedding table across her dress.
Marley is right about Julia Louis Dreyfus being great. She is 100% wrong about her dress. It’s fabulous. And she looked amazing.
Marley: Part of it looks like a disco ball and is poorly put together. The bottom look like sad cheerleader pom poms. Not the nice ones, but the ninety nine cent store ones. what is with iall the pom pom dresses this year? Yikes!
Again, my darling daughter is very misguided. I love this dress, including the (not sad) pom poms.
I saved my favorite dress for last. Just like this year at the Oscars, Nicole has moved from my Worst Dressed List to my Best Dressed List. I freaking love this dress. (In fact, I think it would look good on me.)
Marley: Eh. I don’t like the diamond part. (Marley is 1000% wrong.)
So there it is – My and Marley’s 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review. Oh, and if you want to see more of Marley and her fashion advice, check out this Buzzfeed video where she helps give one of the Try Guys a makeover. (Yes, my daughter in a Buzzfeed video – so cool!)
And as always, I love your comments. What did we get right (everything), what did we get wrong (nothing), and what did we miss?
Most photos were taken from here, some from here, and the one of Adam Von Rothfelder here.
I have to be honest, people. This year’s Oscar post (like the end of the show – OMG!!!) is going to be a bit of a mess. I wasn’t able to watch the red carpet (I know!) because my father is in town from Austin and we had a family barbecue/reunion at the same time. (Talk about rude!) Of course we recorded it, or tried to, but something went wonky with the DVR and it didn’t record. We also missed the first 80 minutes of the show, so there’s that. (I was able to watch Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue online – brilliant!)
So, instead of sitting down and watching the show and giving it my full attention (as I like to do even though I literally saw zero of the movies) I half-watched while I scanned the internet for red carpet photos. I tried to enlist Marley’s help, but she’s battling strep throat and just wasn’t feeling it. She did give me some input, but quit half-way through.
That’s my overly long and pathetic excuse as to why this year’s Academy Award Red Carpet post is lame, and like Price Waterhouse, I might be out of a job next year. (Except they got paid a lot of money for their fuck-up, while I just do this out of the goodness of my heart.) Also, remember, I always do this in a rush and don’t have time to edit, so there’s sure to be tons of mistakes.
With that being said and without further adieu, here is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet Review…
First what I did not like:
Janelle Monáe Um… No! I actually appreciate the provocativeness of this dress and think it’s very pretty. Or it would be very pretty if it didn’t have that tulle bustle or peplum or whatever you call it on the side. (Seriously, what the effity eff is that?!) Again… No! Less is more and the less of this dress would be so much more if that bustle/peplum was gone, baby gone!
Marley: Elie Saab might need to take a break in designing dresses, because obviously he cannot design a good dress. I mean honestly, what is that mess he put on her?
(BTW, I wanted to post a picture of Meryl Streep in her beautiful Elie Saab creation last night, but I can’t seem to find a picture of the entire dress. Unless it’s of Meryl tripping on the red carpet and I won’t post that, so Marley is right that this dress is a mess, but wrong about the overall design-worthiness of Elie Saab.)
Dakota Johnson I can’t tell what’s worse, this terrible dress or her stupid hair. Where did she get it done at the #TBT 1976 salon? I usually find Dakota Johnson gorgeous and delightful – this look is neither of those things. I give this entire look two big fat thumbs down! (Oh how I wish Marley had felt up to panning this one!)
Naomie Harris I don’t hate this dress, but I am underwhelmed by it. It’s just, meh. If this dress had been long without the train I would have liked it, but it’s not, so I don’t. It’s trying too hard to be different and it doesn’t work for me.
Marley: All I can say is that Calvin Klein should probably stick to designing underwear, because that’s obviously all that he’s good at.
Ruth Negga This looks like an old fashioned wedding dress that was dyed red. I am not a fan.
Marley: I didn’t know that wearing your grandmother’s tablecloth is the new fashion.
Salma Hayek I simply adore Salma Hayek and think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but this dress looks like a long negligee. I’m going to have to put it in the nope pile.
Blanca Blanco Marley: Oh. My. God. This dress might be the most hideous of the night. The pattern is so ugly, the ruffles on the shoulders trigger me, and the color looks like something out of a mustard bottle.
First, who the hell is Blanca Blanco? Should I know who she is? Second, good thing we didn’t see the actual red carpet, because apparently Ms. Blanco wardrobe malfunctioned her lady parts and if those ruffles triggered Marley, god knows a vag flash would set her off the deep end. Third, holy hell, this dress is ugly. (But I will say, her shoes are spectacular. I know my friends Kim and Tina would LOVE them!)
Jessica Biel Jessica Biel is gorgeous and has great taste in men, but she is a fashion disaster. I think this dress is ugly. I will say that we did watch some of the red carpet at the BBQ and my twenty-five year old niece said the dress wasn’t ugly, it was bold. So maybe I’m just old and don’t know what I’m talking about. (I’m not and I do. I’m right, she’s wrong!)
Okay, and now on to what I did like…
Emma Stone Marley thinks Emma Stone looks like an Oscar in this dress, but I LOVE it! I especially love the way the fringe swished when she walked. Her hair, those earrings, that lipstick – perfection!
(BTW, Marley says she does not think that and I am a liar. But she did not like her dress. Actually, I don’t know if Marley liked any dresses this year. Sigh…)
Viola Davis I freaking love this dress. I love it! I want to wear it because it would hide my batwing upper arms (I do not think Viola Davis has batwing upper arms, she looks like she has toned, perfect, gorgeous arms) and I happen to look great in read. (I think everyone looks great in red.) Plus, she looks amazing. Her hair, her makeup – she is simply glowing. The only thing more stunning than Viola Davis was her speech. How elegant and spectacular she is.
Marley: There really wasn’t anything special about it. It’s a dress. (Just wait until you get the batwings Marley and come back and tell me how you feel about this dress then. It’s a family curse and your day will come, my young daughter. Your day will come!)
Brie Larson I think Brie Larson’s Oscar De La Renta’s dress is a masterpiece. The end.
Marley: She looks like she just stepped out of the shower with that hair. And that dress is more stiff than my English teacher’s humor.
Nicole Kidman Nicole Kidman usually makes my worst dressed list, but this year she surprised me. I think this dress is very pretty. Like her taste in men, her taste in fashion seems to be improving. (Oh, who am I kidding, when she married Tom Cruise, before he went off the crazy couch, he was hot AF.)
Marley: Oh no, she’s still on the worst dressed list. (Marley is WRONG!)
Halle Berry I’m sure I’ll get some push back for this, because I’ve already seen people panning this look online, calling the dress dated and the wig a big ol’ mess, but I love them both.
Olivia Culpo I have no idea who Olivia Culpo is and I have no time to do a search on Google. But I think this dress is gorgeous. It looks like a wedding dress Laney Delaney would design.
I thought this dress was just gorgeous. In fact I love her dress so much, you get to see the front and the back. Plus, I just love Chrissy Teigen. Yes, she is better than all of us and that’s okay. Someone has to be. And if you don’t follow her on Twitter, you should. (Her Twitter feed is also better than yours. And most definitely mine. Sorry, that’s just the cold, hard truth.)
And now some eye candy for the ladies (who am I kidding, except for my dad and my uncle, it’s all ladies reading this post).
Mahershala Ali Mahershala Ali is looking fine! I wish I’d seen him win his Oscar. I also didn’t see Moonlight, but he’s my crush on House of Cards. I heart him. 🙂
Ryan Gosling I have to admit, Ryan Gosling just doesn’t do it for me. (And, yes, I did see Crazy Stupid Love, and no, I did not see La La Land) I mean, he’s good looking, he’s just not for me. But because I care about my readers, and I do this for you, here you go ladies. Enjoy. Except for what the what with that ruffled tux? Did he go tux shopping with Dakota Johnson?
Marley: Next to being an overrated actor who isn’t that attractive, apparently now he’ll go down in the Oscar history books for the ugliest tux ever worn.
Javier Bardem Because he’s perfect.
And that is my 2017 Oscar Red Carpet recap. I’d love to hear what you think. Am I right? (Yes!) Am I wrong? (No!) What did I miss?
I don’t care what you wear, Meryl Streep. I will love you forever.
Can I tell you guys something tragic? I missed the red carpet for the Golden Globes last night.
Okay, that’s not quite true. I did see it, but not until after 8:00 at night when the awards were playing on repeat. A few months ago I scheduled a book reading at a super cool book store called The Ripped Bodice in Culver City, not realizing it was at the exact same time as the Golden Globes Red Carpet & Awards. (Talk about a first world problem!)
So I asked Marley to step in and do the red carpet for me. And like a good daughter she sat down with my laptop on her lap and watched the E! Red Carpet and gave her commentary below. (I may have created a monster!) My commentary is in italics. Please enjoy!
Milo Ventimiglia Please shave, you look like a 70s porn star. Suit is looking good. I’m going to pretend that my 16-year-old daughter doesn’t know what a 70’s porn star looks like.
Ryan Seacrest Seriously? A white bow tie? Really? How many pleats are in that thing? Also, that tux jacket is ugly. Too many buttons.
Giuliana Rancic What is that dress? It looks like a toddler spilled glitter glue all over it and she said “eh, looks good.” Who is she wearing? A kindergartner’s art project. I have to admit – that’s pretty funny!
Your boob contouring is a little too obvious. And why does your dress basically go to your nipple line? But you’re a good person, so it’s okay. Before Marley pointed this out to me, I didn’t know “boob contouring” was a thing, but then I noticed all the women in low cut dresses had it.
Ross Matthews, aka the local gay (E! Red Carpet commentator) We all know we should save the bees, but you don’t need that disgusting broach.
Mandy Moore The dress fits her really well, the makeup is great and subtle. I usually hate capes, but It’s a good and complete overall look.
Lily Collins I love the color because it blends into her fair skin really well. She looks like a princess. I love that dress. (Me: I’m surprised you love that dress. Marley: Me too.)
Drew Barrymore That’s heinous. It’s swan wings glued to fabric. The vegans are probably angry.
Carrie Underwood Seriously? What is that?! That might top the list for the ugliest dress. Why does that even exist??? Me: It’s not so bad. I like the color. Marley: Seriously, Mom. I can’t even roast it. It’s so terrible I don’t even know what to say. Me: Oooh! Look at the back. I like the back! Marley: It’s stupid!
Tracee Ellis Ross WHY DO YOU HAVE MY COLLEGE TUITION ON YOUR FINGERS?!
Amy Adams I don’t like the top of the dress, but the dress as a whole is a great look and her figure looks great.
Natalie Portman Out of everything that you could have worn, you decided to wear that? It looks like a yellow tarp that they laid over you.
The style is very pretty and actually looks very “Jackie Kennedy” but that color. UGH!” If you’re going to wear yellow, wear yellow that looks like this:
Busy Phillips WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY’S GREAT GRANDMOTHER’S TABLECLOTH. I think it looks more like cowboy boots, but I kind of like it. Plus, she looks gorgeous!
Michelle Williams The dress was nice but it fit really awkwardly and the choker was crooked. I am not a fan of the choker, but I think the dress fits perfectly.
Justin Timberlake and Friend Friend: The top is okay, sideboob is real. But the bottom is an ugly mess. It has a horrible pattern with these weird glued on flowers. Justin Timberlake: I like what he is wearing. Tom Ford designs well. Obviously Justin Timberlake’s “friend” is his wife, Jessica Biel, but Marley did not know who she was and I just had to leave it in as she wrote it, because it is a rare thing for your snarky 16-year-old to do something that is adorable!
Sienna Miller It’s a classy look with nice slits on the side. Not my favorite and I hate the ponytail, but if I had abs like that I’d probably wear a dress like that too!
Kerry Washington That might be the ugliest dress out there. The gold and silver and weird dress. It’s so hideous I cannot describe it. If it didn’t have those weird embellishments and wasn’t see-through with black underwear underneath, it might be okay.
Ruth Negga She looks like an actual baked potato.
Thandie Newton This is what happens when you dip a dress in sparkly paint.
Janelle Monae Her face is beautiful. Her hair is beautiful. She looks so gorgeous. But that dress is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Haille Steinfeld It looks like a canopy that she took off a little girl’s bed and decided to put on.
Nicole Kidman She tried too hard to be the silver surfer and kind of gave up halfway through. I think she always makes my worst dressed list.
And with that, Marley was out. But she missed a few, that I just had to mention, so here are my pics and pans below.
Heidi Klum For once I don’t hate Heidi Klum’s dress. I mean I don’t love it, but it’s not terrible. Actually the more I look at it, I think I really like it.
Sophie Turner I love you dearly, but that looks like something Heidi Klum would wear, and unfortunately that is not a compliment.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus Love this dress. Love her. The end.
Olivia Culpo I have no idea who this woman is, but she is stunning and I really dig this dress. It looks like a piece of art.
Judith Light This photo of Judith Light is everything. She is fabulous and I love her.
Felicity Huffman I think this is my favorite look of the night. She looks absolutely stunning and this pantsuit if FABULOUS!
Sarah Jessica Parker
The dress would be great without those stupid sleeves, and what the blankety-blank is with that terrible wrap-around braid?! Oh Sarah Jessica, why?!
This was one of my favorite dresses of the night. Just gorgeous!
I could go on (and on) because there were just some spectacular (and spectacularly bad) looks out there, but I’ve got a day job, you know. (And about 40 minutes to get there.) So I will end with this, because you deserve it…
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau A little eye candy, just because I love you for reading this entire thing. You’re welcome!
You’re all so lucky. Today we have a guest commentator, my very own daughter, Marley Ross. Marley is even more qualified than I am to make snarky fashion comments, because even though she didn’t wear the same dress as seven other girls at her prom (but she’s only a junior and hasn’t gone to prom yet) she’s only sixteen, so she doesn’t mind being mean like I’m finding it more and more difficult to do.
And while it seems over the last few years there haven’t been that many fashion disasters, that was certainly not the case last night. In fact, IMHO (and Marley’s as well), much of last night’s red carpet was a complete and total shit show. (Except for Marley doesn’t say “shit” – at least not when her mother is around!)
So grab a cup of coffee (just be sure not to spit it at the screen when you read Marley’s comments), sit back, relax and enjoy this year’s Snarky Red Carpet Comments. (And forgive me for once again posting without editing. I hate bloggers who don’t edit, but I’ve got a day job people!)
Giuliana Ransic often makes my best dressed list, but not last night. As she hosts the red carpet show on E!, hers was the first dress I saw and all I could think was, WTF is she wearing? Her dress is pretty (though I don’t like the color), but it is ruined by that stupid cape. And her hair is in a messy ponytail that looks more appropriate for running errands than working the red carpet at an awards show.
Marley’s comments: She looks like skelator. The dress is pretty, but that cape. Why?
Our verdict: Lose the cape, fix your hair and eat one of those PBJs that Jimmy Kimmel’s mom made!
Claire Danes looked pretty (I love her hair), but did she use Donald Trump’s spray tanner? Her skin almost matches her dress. I actually like her dress, but what is that weird gold necklace-y thing that seems to be attached?
Marley’s comments: She looks like an Emmy, an Oscar, a Golden Globe. (Well, I guess she was dressing the part.)
Anna Chlumsky – WTF? Where do I begin with this mess of a dress? I almost forgive her because she had a baby three weeks ago, and God knows that three weeks after I had a baby I was no where near awards show ready (hell, it’s been 16 years since I had a baby and I’m nowhere near awards show ready), but this dress looks like a brocade potato sack.
Marley’s comments: Combo of a baby blanket and a grandma sweater.
I love Connie Britton, but I do not love this dress. It’s just weird.
Marley’s comments: Um, what? She looks a poster girl for my geometry class.
Amanda Peet was trending on Twitter last night because of all the shout outs she got from her husband, Game of Thrones co-creator, David Benioff, but I think she’ll be trending today because of this terrible dress.
Marley’s comments: Where did she get that? Charlie Brown’s closet.
It looks like Carly Chaikin is wearing what her character Darlene would wear if she were going to the Emmy’s. She looks beautiful (oh to be that young and be able to pull off that much eye make-up) and I actually love the top of her dress, but there is too much going on with the bottom. If the bottom had been solid or maybe solid with those silver stripes it would have been gorgeous, but the sheer netting and the polka dots just turns this dress into a big ol’ mess.
Marley’s comments: That dress! I can’t put it into words. And I love her too. She’s so great and so pretty and and I hate that dress. When they asked her who she’s wearing she should say, “A mess.”
I was forever rooting for Lady Edith on Downton Abbey, but I cannot root for this godawful disaster of a dress that Laura Carmichael wore last night. It looks like she paired her favorite summer top with some leftover tulle. Did Lady Mary play a mean trick and switch out her real dress for this monstrosity?
Marley’s comments: Why? What happened? It looks like an Easter basket. It looks like spring nail polish you’d put on a little kid.
Gabby Hoffman looks like she’s wearing pajamas. The end.
Marley’s comments: She looks like she just woke up from a nap and is like, “Okay, Emmy’s time.”
Supermodel & Project Runway star, Heidi Klum makes my worst dresses list every year (oh, the irony), and this year is no exception. If this dress was either long sleeves on both sides or spaghetti straps on both sides, it would be like Heidi: a 10. But why the asymmetrical mess? It does not make the dress interesting. It makes the dress stupid!
Marley’s comments: That dress is stupid and I think she was next in line for Donald Trump’s spray tanner.
Alright, enough of the negativity and snark (at least from me anyway) – let’s get to the dress I thought were fabulous. First let’s get to the color yellow. (I almost felt like at any moment I would hear Jimmy Kimmel say, “The 2016 Emmy Awards, brought to you by the color yellow.”) I did not used to be a yellow fan, but lately I am loving it. Maybe because my current favorite top is yellow (you can see it here) or maybe because the current yellows are more bright and less chartreuse-y (which is a little to pukey green for my taste), but whatever it is, I’m digging it.
I have loved Minnie Driver since Circle of Friendsand find her red carpet looks to always be beautiful and classic. I’m not sure about this dress. I want to love it more than I do. But she looks fabulous so I think I’ll give it the thumbs up. What do you think?
Marley’s comments: Nope. (I told you the snark was over only for me.)
Taraji P. Henson looks gorgeous and this dress is FAB! For some reason she changed during the awards to present and even put on a wig (and I think she looked fabulous in that outfit too), but I think this red carpet look is stunning. Simplicity at its finest.
Marley’s comments: I love it! (See, she can be nice!)
Angela Bassett’s dress is leaning a little bit towards the chartreuse, but I still think it’s stunning. And so is she – her hair, her make-up, those earrings: love, Love, LOVE!
The ladies in red also looked fabulous…
Kate McKinnon looks GORGEOUS! You can’t see them because of her hair, but there are little cutouts at the V of her dress that gives this simple red dress a little extra detail. That lipstick + that hair + that dress = Va Va Voom!
Marley’s comments: She is my favorite and she looks beautiful.
Tatiana Maslany: Marley and I agree – this was our favorite dress of the night! Sheer perfection. And as a side note, I am beyond thrilled that she won the Emmy for Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen it, you must. She plays eight or more characters and she is amazing!
Tina Fey looked absolutely stunning in green. I loved everything about her dress and her look.
Marley’s comments: She looks pretty.
The ladies dressed in neutral shades of nude, silver and white also looked beautiful.
Emilia Clarke looks stunning. I would be inclined to have her wear her hair down and would have added a necklace (because I like flowy hair and think everyone should wear a necklace always), but I think I would have been wrong. This look is the pure definition of “Less is More” and it is spectacular.
Marley’s comments: Mom, I like her hair up. She looks perfect.
While Julie Bowen is my current hair idol, she often misses the mark when it comes to the red carpet. But not last night. Last night she looked amazing and her dress was gorgeous.
Marley’s comments: The back of that dress is stupid. (Marley is wrong. The back of her dress was gorgeous.)
Giuliana Rancic and Heidi Klum take note: This is how you wear a ponytail to an awards show and this is how you wear asymmetrical. Sofia Vergara looks amazing (as always), plus she did eat one of the PBJs made by Jimmy Kimmel’s mom, so she gets an A+ in my book!
Marley’s comments: I don’t like it. It’s weird. Those things look like yogurt swirls. And not good yogurt swirls, like old fruit gone bad yogurt swirls.
Felicity Huffman’s look was one of my favorites of the night. That hair! Those earrings! That dress! She just reeked of fabulousness!
Marley’s comments: I like it!
I loved Judith Light’s dress. Both classic and original. She looked fabulous.
Marley’s comments: Her dress looks like a striped disco ball. (Sixteen-year-old snarky fashion critiquers sometimes just don’t get it.)
I thought Anika Noni Rose’s dress was pretty and an original take on a Grecian style dress. And OMG – I remember when my waist used to be that tiny.
Marley’s comments: The top of her dress looks like a dream catcher.
I had to google Annet Mahendru and Lucian Gibson to see who they were, but I just loved the beautiful simplicity of her dress. Gorgeous! But Lucian needs to google “how do dress at an awards show.”
Marley’s comments: Her dress looks unfinished (wrong, Marley – her dress is perfect!) and what is with that bag. It looks like it has a horse tail! (She might be right about that.)
Kristen Bell’s look was one of my favorites of the night. Here hair and make-up look stunning (with just the perfect amount of spray tan – a lovely bronze with not one bit of orange) and I think her dress is amazing. Seriously, I want it!
Marley’s comments: That dress looks like a cornucopia!
Allison Janey always looks gorgeous and last night was no exception. Damn I have to win the Lotto so I can hire her trainer. I loved her classic bun (a little to the side) and those earrings are spectacular.
Marley’s comments: Eh, it’s fine. (Sigh…)
There is only one word for Kerry Washington’s red carpet look: WOW! She looks a-maz-ing!
Marley’s comments: I love her dress except for the cape. Why is she wearing a cape? Who does she think she is? A super hero? She’s a mom! (Exactly, Marley. That makes her a super hero.)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus is another gorgeous lady that always seems to make my best-dressed list. This is how to wear a sheer dress.
Marley’s comments: I don’t like the polka dots. (Marley is not a polka dot fan.)
And because I always like to end my list with a little bit of eye candy for the ladies, here you go:
Kit Harrington is my free pass too!
Marley’s comments: He’s pretty.
So what do you think? Did Marley and I get it right? Agree? Disagree? Anyone I missed? Let us know in the comments below.