Can I be honest? I was a little underwhelmed with last night’s Oscar’s. I mean, the show itself was fine. I appreciated the effort. The set did look super cool. But, there was just no glamour. And I get it, we’re still in a pandemic and there weren’t many movies anyway, but the whole thing really left me uninspired.

But, the people have demanded this review. (And by “the people” I mean three Facebook friends.) Plus, I rarely get to spend time with Marley these days, and my friends Laurel and Shauna were texing me their input which made for a fun night. And for the first time in three years I was actually home to do it. And so, here we go again with another Academy Award Red Carpet Review.

Amanda Seyfried

Me: the dress is a yes, red is definitely her color.

Marley: She looks amazing, but I hate those ruffles and those pleats. It’s a no.

Regina King

Me: I want to love this dress so much, and I do love most of it – the cut, the color, the fit, the bottom, but those wings are just too much. Regina is a queen, however and would amazing in a paper sack.

Marley: Those sleeves look like the angel statues from Dr. Who. If you close your eyes they follow you.

Shauna: What’s up with Regina’s sleeves? She looks like a butterfly.

Colman Domingo

Me: Now that is one hot gay tux on a hot gay man. I love it!

Marley: I feel like I’ve already seen Lil’ Nas X wear the same thing. But it does look good on him.

Carey Mulligan

Me: Stunning.

Marley: Stunning!

Shauna: She looks like a princess!

Laura Dern

Me: I feel like I should hate this, but I actually don’t. I mean, I don’t love it, but she looks pretty.

Marley: Where did she come from? The Beauty and the Beast? Is she a duster? Did she kill a thousand swans?

Laurel: She looks like she’s going to take flight.

Youn Yuh-jung

Marley: I love her dress. It’s very pretty.

Me: It has pockets!

Marley: I know. That’s why I love it.

Me: I am also madly in love with Youn Yuy-jung. I loved her speech (she is hilarious) and her mad love for Brad Pitt.

Margot Robbie

Me: Love, love, LOVE that hair! The dress is a little unglamorous, but like I said, it’s an unglamorous year. It’s simple and pretty. But those bangs and that messy ponytail? I’m obsessed!

Marlee Matlin

Marley: This is the first time I don’t hate stupid sleeves. I like the beading and she looks beautful.

Me: She looks gorgeous. I like the dress and feel like my friend Kim Robinson will absolutely love it.

H.E.R.

Laurel: H.E.R. looks regal.

Marley: H.E.R. looks fantastic. Probably my favorite outfit of the night.

Me: I love it!

Zendaya

Marley: Zendaya looks beautiful, I love that dress.

Me: Zendaya looks beautiful. I hate that dress.

Laurel: Beautiful girl, bad yellow dress.

Halle Berry

Me: No! No!! NO!! You know how in those ugly duckling movies the girl just changes her hair and clothes and suddenly she’s beautiful? Halle Berry just did the opposite! Because Halle Berry, one of the most beautiful women to ever grace our fine planet was looking pretty fugly with that stupid hair (god, I hope it’s a wig!). Seriously. What happened? Oh yeah, and I didn’t like her dress either.

Marley: Halle Berry’s hair is stupid and her dress is ugly.

Laurel: Halle Berry looks awful. Bad dress. Bad Hair.

Shauna: Agree

Reece Witherspoon

Me: Reece Witherspoon looks fine. Her dress is fine. She probably put about the same amount of effort in choosing that dress as I’m putting into writing this blog post, which is to say, not much. But in this unglamorous year, I will give her a pass. But, Reece? Part your hair on the side like a grown-up! You are a Gen-X grown ass woman and you’re not fooling anyone with that Gen Z middle part!

Viola Davis

Me: I like it! Very unique. She looks like a modern Greek Goddess

Shaua: I am trying to wrap my head around Viola Davis’s dress. It ‘s very distracting but kinda cool.

Me: Marley and I love it.

Laurel: I love it.

Shauna: REFUSE HATE! I love it!

(Apparently I am quite the influencer.)

Dana Murray

Me: I did not know who Dana Murray was before tonight. A quick IMDB search shows that she has made quite the rise over the last 12 years at Pixar and Disney from working in the animation department for Up to becoming the producer of Soul. You go, girl. Now get yourself a dress that does not look like one of the balloons that made the Ed Asner’s house float away.

Marley: Is she from the Wizard of Oz? Her dress looks like it’s caught in a tornado.

Laurel: NO! What is this?

Shauna: It looks like she is about to float away.

Frances McDormand

Me: Look, I get that Frances McDormand doesn’t do glamour. That’s fine. She’s an eccentric and complicated woman. You don’t want to wear makeup? Fine. You want to wear an ugly dress? Fine? But is it really too much effort to put on a Crest white strip and pull a comb through that dirty-ass hair? I wouldn’t do a late night milk run at 7-11 without puttiing a hat on that mop!

Laurel: For God’s sake, woman run a brush through that dirty hair!

Shauna: Frances McDormand is WEIRD!

So was this Academy Awards, Shauna. But at least unlike Frances McDormand’s non-existing stylist (and also, myself), they tried. They really did try.

What are your thoughts on this year’s Academy Awards?

Photos were mostly trolled from here, but also from here.