My Snarky 2024 Oscar Red Carpet Review

March 11, 2024March 11, 2024 charlenearossLeave a comment

Hello, Friends! Awards season has finally come to an end with the one that everyone waits for – the Academy Awards. I was especially excited to watch this year because my husband and I did something we haven’t done in a very long time – actually watched the movies! You know, I have to say, it does make watching the awards shows more enjoyable when you have something invested in it. 😉

And the show could not have been timed better. I have two solid months of work travel – 10 trips in 9 weeks, gone 31 out of 61 days and this is one of the weekends I happen to be home. Yay! (Yes, sadly, my work trips often spill into the weekends.)

Marley, however, was busy. She did look at the Google doc I popped this into to make a few comments. But she told me she wasn’t really feeling it. I get it. Honestly, other than a few duds and a few wows, most of the dresses while pretty, were just kind of mid.

For me the highlights of the show were Billy Eilish’s performance (so good!), Ryan Gosling’s performance (so fun!), the writers’ acceptance speeches, Jimmy Kimmel reading whatshisname’s mean “truth” (so funny!), and Emma Stone’s acceptance speech/being flustered over her ripped dress (so adorable). But enough of all that – one to the dresses.

Charlene- Um, are we being punked? Why would you take this beautiful white gown and throw a tulle chenille apron over it?! WHHYYY?!?!?! Does she have a five-year-old daughter who designed this dress?

Marley- Yeah I really think this is so awful, she likely was dressed in it to garner more publicity. Because come on, who would design this for any reason other than for it to get spoken about as one of the worst dresses.

Charlene – While Marlee’s haircut is a 10 (I might or might not have this identical haircut but with bangs) this dress is an over-the-top Jersey mother-of-the-groom gown and just too sparkly and frilly in all the wrong ways for me.

Marley – As the supreme Marley, I think she would represent us better than a dress like this. I reiterate a below statement about women above 45 are not allowed to have nice dresses. It’s so frustrating!

Charlene – Oh, Marley. You have no idea how frustrating everything is for women over 45. Just you wait!

Charlene – I think Leah Lewis (who I had to look up, BTW) thinks she is at an ice skating competition rather than the Oscars. (But holy moly – her legs? Wowza. I’d like the name of her trainer, please.)

(Marley was not feeling it last night. I can’t believe she had no comment on this one!)

Charlene – This dress would be lovely without that puffy wrap situation in a Pepto Bismol bridesmaid sort of way. I mean, even her shoes are dyed to match the dress – just like a bridesmaid. She was the musical guest on SNL the night before so maybe jetlag clouded her rational decision making skills.

Marley – Yeah, this is absolutely awful. It seems like a duvet just fluffed around her with a sheet underneath it.

Charlene – The wings on this dress look like cat eye glasses and I have to say, I am not a fan. I guess overexaggerated clothing was hot on the runway this season, but kookoo crazy runway fashion is just silly. I’d hate to be the one sitting next to her at the show. She might take their eye out with those wingsn. (I will give her bonus points however, for having cateye eyeliner to match her dress.)

Marley: I would be scared that she might fly away. Maybe she’s cosplaying as the bat that started the pandemic?

Charlene – Now this is how you do an exaggerated off-the-shoulder. Perfection. And her necklace is just spectacular!

Marley – No comment

Charlene – I think this dress is very pretty and flattering and that necklace is spectacular.

Charlene – And yet, I do not like Emma Stone’s dress at all. That peplum is way too much. (Was it leftover from her movie Poor Things?) However, her necklace is also spectacular.

Marley – I don’t know why so many dresses do this at the waist!! It just is such a strange shape and I would be so sad if I was styled in something like this.

Charlene – And while this isn’t quite a peplum, it’s peplum adjacent and I think it’s gorgeous.

Charlene – These are PANTS! And I think they are fabulous! (Also, A+ haircut!)

Marley – I hate everything about this, she looks like this one scene in Family Guy where a character has “Legs that go all the way up” (google it, you’ll know what I’m talking about).

Charlene – Love the color and simplicity of this dress

Marley: It’s very safe and I like it!

Charlene – When I am 92 I want to look exactly like this! Fabulous!

Charlene – Hi, Barbie! This dress is a 12/10! (Also, 10/10 for that bob I love so much!)

Marley: The shape is amazing, I think she’s best dressed of the night.

Charlene: – I have to be honest, that little sequin-y situation on the skirt part of Emily’s dress looks like the outline of tighty whitey underwear. Or a diaper. It’s weird. The dress would be better without it. (Less is more, people!) I was also incredibly distracted by the fact that the tank straps hover above her shoulders rather than rest on them. Again, weird. But also, these two do look stunning in their tanned twinningness.

Marley: I really don’t understand the G-String boning on the dress, nor do I like the overall rigidness of it. The all white is also kind of off putting to me, have never been a fan.

Charlene – This dress is an art deco masterpiece. Favorite dress of the night.

Marley – More like silver peacock in my opinion.

Charlene – Stunning. (And I love her top knot) She looks amazingly gorgeous!

Marley – I do finally like one of her dresses, it’s actually a gorgeous emerald green.

Charlene – This dress is very feminine and flowy. I like it but it’s also giving me some serious prom vibes.

Marley – Yeah I feel like this is something closer to a Greek God and Goddess themed prom but it still works.

Charlene – Green leather fabulousness. I would actually like this dress more without the shawl – I think the color and fit and flow of the dress are simply amazing

Marley I would highly enjoy it without the cape shawl, dresses really don’t need to have all this random stuff to be pretty!

Charlene – I have to admit I don’t love this dress in this photo, but I thought it looked so pretty on TV. I love the neckline – so original. Her arms look fantastic and her hair and make-up are perfection. I thought she looked so pretty.

Marley – I didn’t see the dress on TV so I have to say in pictures this dress doesn’t seem great. I think stylists are too boring on women over like 45.

That’s it for the dresses. And, now for some eye candy, my friends…

Charlene – Matt Bomer in a classic tux. Sure, there is nothing spectacular about Matt Bomer’s suit except for the fact that Matt Bomer is wearing it.

Charlene – He definitely Kenough!

Charlene – I feel like his pants can’t quite contain his legs. (And I’m here for it.)

Charlene – I’m not sure I’m loving Bradley’s blue button tux is for me. (It might be better if I took it off of him. 😉) Add a captain’s hat and you might mistake him for the lead singer of a Yacht Rock band.

(Marley was definitely checked out last night because I really was expecting an “Ew, Mom” with this one!)

Charlene – Did I save the best for last? I’ll let you decide.

And just like the 2024 awards season, that is a wrap, my friends. I hope you were at least somewhat entertained as we judged the choices of people so much more glamorous than us! Let us know what we got right, what we got wrong, and what we missed.

Photos borrowed from Variety, The New York Times, and Yahoo.

My Snarky 2024 Emmys Red Carpet Review

January 16, 2024January 16, 2024 charleneaross2 Comments

Well, I have to be honest. Last night’s Emmys took me by surprise! As everyone knows (or should know!), The Emmys come on in September when the new broadcast network TV season starts. But due to the writers’ strike it was postponed. (And if I’m honest with y’all, I didn’t even remember it didn’t happen last year.)

I was at my writers’ group vision board party yesterday and had to rush my poor friend Rina out who hadn’t even started gluing her visions so I could get this written for you. MLK Day is intended to be a day of service and I would like to say that Marley and I spent the evening of MLK Day in service to you, but I don’t think that’s exactly how the holiday was intended. (Still, I hope you know, we do this for you!) 😉

And so (in service to you), here is our 2024 Emmys Red Carpet Review.

Charlene: I love Quinta Brunson and her Golden Globes dresss was spectacular. But this dress? This dress looks like it could be super cute (it even looks like it may have pockets!) but this wrinkled look (which, I guess was intentional?) does not work for me. Was the stylist who dressed her for the Globes sick? Did her sick stylist’s assistant roll the dress up in a ball and shove it in the trunk of her car and show up late to Quinta’s house without a steamer and because Quinta is a kind and benevolent person and promised to wear the dress (and had no other options because her sick stylist’s stupid assistant was so late) held her head high and put the damn wrinkled thing on. I really don’t know how else to explain it.

Marley: Quinta, did you oversleep in your dress before showing up for the awards tonight?

Marley: I very much do not like the neckline or sleeves of this dress, and the fabric, and the pattern. I know Jennifer can do better than that.

Charlene: I don’t love the sleeves but I do like the rest of the dress. I like the way it flows and think Jennifer looks beautiful

Marley: Her dress looks like one of those big punching balloons that’s been deflated and had the top cut off. I think it would be so much prettier if it didn’t have such a strange shape!

Charlene: Even pockets can’t save the strange shape of this dress.

Charlene: I am all for being sexy when you’re pregnant (though, I certainly, was not!) but this dress is just weird. I read that this dress had to be tailored to fit her baby bump which means it was originally intended for someone who is not pregnant. Spoiler alert: I wouldn’t like it that way either. It looks like an arpon on a poofy skirt. This one is a big thumbs down for me.

Marley: I really don’t understand what’s going on, nor do I like it.

Marley: I personally love seeing men wear something more than a plain suit, but I’m not a huge fan of that jacket.

Charlene: I also like seeing men mix it up a bit. The suit is fine but those ballet slippers are not working for me.

Marley: I really enjoy seeing something a little different than a dress and this two piece is a stunning change. And this picture in general she just looks stunning.

Charlene: What Marley said.

Marley: I love this dress, the color, the amazing corset-like top. Likely my favorite dress of the night.

Charlene: This is not my favorite dress of the night. There is something about the metal hooks I just don’t like. There is too much going on in this dress for me.

Charlene: Love this dress. (Especially after that toy soldier debacle from the Golden Globes.) Selena looks fabulous.

Marley: Selena looks so beautiful, and I think that shade of red is the perfect color for her.

Update/Edit: Okay, Marley and I have had a conversation about this dress and decided that we don’t like it afterall. In fact, we both kind of hate it. Marley thinks it looks like a pantsuit. I think it needs a full skirt. We both think Selena looks so pretty which fooled us into thinking into thinking we liked the dress, when in fact, we do not!

Marley: I love the color so much but I feel like this dress would be so much prettier without that tinsel hanging off, I think I saw that stuff in my 50% Christmas section at work.

Charlene: I am the exact opposite of Marley (once again!). I love everything about this dress except the highlighter green color. The tinsel fringe at the bottom is fabulous!

Marley: Every red carpet somebody has to have a drapery-chic dress, I think she’s our culprit this time around. The waist up is great!

Charlene: Marley is wrong. This dress is fab. I love the color and the cut.

Charlene: Um, I’m confused as to what’s going on here.

Marley: Obsessed with the waitress cosplay!

Charlene: This dress looks incredibly stiff and uncomfortable. (Look, I know no one is dress for comfort here, but this looks especiallly scratchy.) It also looks like when she sits down it’s just going to poof right up and you really are going to be able to see her underwear which you can kind of maybe almost see with the sheerness of the skirt.

Marley: I know some people are going to be obsessed with this but all I can think of is lampshade chic.

Charlene: I love everything about this dress – the color, the cutout at the top, the train, and yes, even the slit. A+++

Marley: That color is beautiful on her! I also think the leg slit is the perfect height, if you’re going to do a leg slit, it needs to be a slit.

Charlene: I love the little wings in the bodice of this dress. I’m not sure I love the pleather fabric of this dress and I don’t think many people could pull this dress of but Lavern looks fab!

Marley: I do think it looks a bit like a duct tape dress we’d see in 2014 on the top, the shape is stunning and she looks drop dead gorgeous.

Charlene: Did her designer just find scraps of material from three other dresses and sew them together to create this, because that is really the only way to describe what’s going on here.

Marley: I don’t know why somebody would make her wear this dress.

Marley: Pants that go nearly to his chest and a bathrobe on top?

Chalene: The shirt is kind of pajama-y as well! And yes, he absolutely stole those pants from Ed Grimley.

Charlene: Gorgeous! Ava Coleman would be obsessed with this dress!

Marley: I think the simplicity is refreshing – it might be the first time I actually like the shoulder accents on a dress.

Marley: I much preferred her Golden Globes look, I abhor the bottom of this dress. I will never understand why designers ruin perfectly good garments with some weird shit below the knees.

Charlene: While I would have preferred that the dress simply continued with the beading to the floor I still love this dress. Possibly my favorite of the night. Hannah looks stunning and sexy AF and my god, I really do want her arms!

Charlene: I HATE this neckline. It’s just weird and dumb. This one is a nope for me.

Marley: I love the neckline but I’m a little scared if she bent over a little too much she’d get impaled.

Charlene: When you watched Issa walk in this dress, it kind of flowed in this cool way but when you see her standing in it she looks like like a sheep dog. (But a beautiful sheep dog!)

Marley: Her red carpet dresses have always been, and continue to be, wildly confusing.

Charlene: I had to look up who Reece Feldman is and apparently he is some sort of TikTok star. I’ll just add this as my list of reasons to refuse to download the TikTok app.

Marley: I fear he’s going to step on his scarf and end up choking himself.

Marley: My Mom and I stared at this for a solid couple of minutes trying to figure out what was going on. Sadly, we never found an answer.

Charlene: My friend Laurel texted me that she wanted an entire essay on Aubre Plaza’s dress, but as Marley said, we could not figure out what was happening with this dress, so I have no words. Marley did say the top of the dress looked like a Post-It note. But Aubrey, Post-It notes are self-adhesive. There is no need for the pin!

Marley: This is totally something I could see myself wearing, which is very rare. It gives very much New Year’s eve party vibes, however.

Charlene: I could see myself wearing this dress too! Stay out of my closet, Marley.

Marley: I think this is also one of my top dresses of the night, her figure looks amazing and that dress is just perfect for her.

Charlene: 100% agree with Marley. This dress is just stunning.

Marley: I have no idea who this man is, but I very much would like to now.

Charlene: You would have hated his character on White Lotus, Marley. But yes, Theo is looking very fine!

Marley: The flowers remind me of those tissue paper flowers your kids probably gave you (and we made you) for Mother’s Day in elementary school.

Charlene: I did not know who Dionne Harmon was but I put this dress in because I knew Marley would hate it even though I love it. I love the gray gradients and the pink poofy flowers. I think it is feminine and pretty. (BTW, Dionne Harmon is an executive producer and president of Jesse Collins Entertainment which means she is a badass!)

Marley: I think the look is insane but I’m kind of obsessed with it. It’s giving Hunger Games District 1 energy, Effie Trinket vibes if you will.

Charlene: I also think the look is insane but I am definitely not obsessed with it. Did Moira Rose wear that to her The Crows Have Eyes premiere?

Marley: I want her top ASAP, it is very much something I need in my closet. And Rob looks like such a gentleman, they’re both so cute.

Charlene: They are so cute. I’m not sure I love the black and white contrast of this outfit. I would prefer a simple black skirt.

I would just like to end this post by bowing down to these two queens. These women are both 90. NINETY! (90!!!) Both women presented and they were both sharp as a tack. Carol is still a comedic genius and Joan is still a fabulous glamour-puss. BTW, Joan’s husband is 32 years her junior! (You go, Cougar Joan, you go!)

Well, that’s what we have for you, friends. What did we get right, what did we get wrong and what did we miss? We’d love to hear your comments.

My Snarky 2024 Golden Globe Red Carpet Review

January 8, 2024January 8, 2024 charlenearossLeave a comment

Hello, Friends! It’s that time of year again, where my daughter Marley and I sit home unshowered in our plaid pajama bottoms and cozy fuzzy tops and judge the glamorous people for their stylist’s fashion choices. Enjoy!

Me: Pretty in pink perfection

Marley: I don’t think Barbie would ever wear a shawl that looks that cheap.

Marley: I think the top half is like if you had to wear overalls to a sweet sixteen.

Me: I too, am not a fan of the overall-type top half of this dress.

Me: The dress is gorgeous. This 50’s fit and flare style is my favorite to wear (acentuates the good parts and hides the bad) and I think this dress is just stunning. Rosamund Pike has no bad parts to hide. except for that funeral veil. That thing has got to go.

Marley: I think she looks like if the Queen of Hearts had an emo phase – we’ve all been there.

Me: I always say that I want to look like Helen Mirren when I am her age. I think she is just stunning. However, I have to say, I am not a fan of this look. Her hair is too severe, that lavendar is too juvenile, and those sleeves are just no. Sorry, my beautiful Helen, this look is just not for me.

Marley: That jacket just eats her up and I think she would look so much better without it. I can barely tell where the jacket stops and the dress begins.

Me: Now this shade of lavendar works. This dress is very Elizabeth Zott and I think Brie knocked it out of the park. (Sorry, KTP #IYKYK)

Marley: Brie Larsen is absolutely perfect in every way, I think she wins the best dressed of the night.

Me: Times Person of the Year wears the Golden Globes Dress of the Year. Taylor wins again.

Marley: I begrudgingly like this dress, that is all I will say.

Me: Oprah looks fantastic but I am honestly now wowed by this dress. It’s fine. Very pretty. Nothing spectacular or offensive. (I believe this is what the kids call mid.)

Marley: Very accurate use of the word mid! I like the depth the texture adds, but it really is just alright.

Me: I think this dress is just gorgeous but I also think that Emma is too pale for the color and it washes her out. But it truly is such a gorgeous dress.

Marley: I love the color and how it makes the dress almost disappear against her skin, it makes everything so uniform.

Me: While this dress is a lot and I am usually not a fan of Heidi’s runway looks, I think this dress is beautiful though I would like it a lot more without the Angelina Jolie leg slit. The red satin fabric is just stunning.

Marley: I personally love the leg slit, and Heidi is usually my favorite for Halloween looks, this is in my top three of the night.

Me: Just no. I’m not saying that Billie Elish has to be a glamour-puss. I know that’s not her vibe. But this school marm meets David Burne big suit meets whatever is going on on her head is just not for me.

Marley: I am obsessed with her hair and this is something I can totally see myself wearing to a red carpet. Billie has always chosen looks that hide her body to avoid comments on it and I think it allows her to have more fun and experiment more with fashion.

Me: This dress looks like Barbarella dressing up to go to the ball. The only things missing are her space age gun and her go-go boots.

Marley: I hate that thing on her shoulder. I hate the way the dress is really a romper (that more looks like a sparkly diaper). I hate that the romper is then covered with this ugly, cheap looking tulle. I hate this so much, sorry Kate.

Me: Art Deco spectacularlessness! 1,000% yes!

Marley: I love the color and it’s so nice to see something truly unique.

Me: I love Selena Gomez and am a huge fan of Only Murders in the Building but I’m sorry, girlfriend. This dress looks like an asymetrical ballerina toy soldier. It’s a no for me.

Marley: She looks so uncomfortable in this dress and I feel as though she will never be able to sit down in it.

Me: Well, if it was 1983 and I was at my high school prom, I would love this dress, but it’s not, so I don’t. I mean seriously, did she jump in the Back to the Future DeLoreon and shop off the rack at Windsor Fashion for this dress?

Marley: Does her stylist just not like her?

Me: I don’t understand the Batman ear situation going on here. Is she trying to keep people from hugging her? Because if they do, they may become impaled on those things.

Marley: Maybe she’s trying to keep birds from perching on her shoulders? Or it’s where the heads of her fellow nominees will go, to show her domination?

Me: This is elegant simplicity at its finest. The cut, the length, the train, the shoes, and the back that you cannot see in this photo. Perfection! And if you did not see her acceptance speech, do yourself a favor and watch it here. Because, #1, she is freaking adorable and #2 she thanked her manager and agent’s assistants. And as a former entertainment industry assitant, I thank you, Ayo. I thank you.

Marley: I think the dress is just a little too boxy and the train seems like an afterthought. Not a huge fan.

Charlene: Elegent. Beautiful. Spectacular. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Tay-Tay, you’ve got yourself some dress competition.

Marley: Quinta wins second best dressed for the night, and if anybody else but Brie Larsen was wearing her dress it would be Quinta that is #1.

Me: #1 His reds do not match. #2 Uh sir, my champagne glass is empty. Can you please refill it?

Marley: This is why we don’t let men dress themselves.

Me: Yes, please. More of this!

Marley: I wish men tried more, but then we would have maroon on red so maybe the simple look is best.

Me: And also more of this!

Marley: I would want him in my jury pool!

Me: All I can say about this look is, it is very Timothée Chalamet. And for him, it works.

Marley: I love the jacket and the lack of tie, this is how more men should be dressing in my opinion.

Me: Va-va-voom! To be honest, this dress isn’t my style, but also, my girl Hannah definitely pulls it off. I mean she is so damn sexy. Can I just say the elephant in the room? Hannah Wadingham does not have the body of the “typical Hollywood actress.” And how fabulous. She is tall. She is curvy. She is fit. (I would kill for her arms.) And she is sexy AF. I love her so much.

Marley: I want to look exactly like her when I grow up. I mean, she looks like Marilyn Monroe! I am also obsessed with that dress and wish I had the hips to pull it off.

Me: This dress confuses me.

Marley: I could see myself wearing it but I think it isn’t the right fit for a red carpet.

Me: to be honest, I think the dress itself is kind of boring. And that wrap is just too much. It looks like it was stolen from a Rose Parade float.

Marley: Please. Stop. Adding. Oversized. Flowers. To. The. ARMS! Either have normal sleeves or just show your arms!!!!! God she’s too pretty to be in a dress like that.

Me: This dress would be just a typical pretty dress that looks like a wedding dress, TBH, but zoom in, my friends, and you will see that she has vaginas stiched into the fabric. Fabulous! A+++

Marley: My only complaint is that the stitching on her dress was also in white and not a more bold color.

Well, my friends. That’s a wrap (and not the kind with Rose Parade flowers!). What did you think? What did we get right (other than everything) and what did we get wrong (other than nothing!)? And what looks did we miss? See you back here in two months for the Academy Awards Red Carpet with (almost) all of the same people and new looks to praise or pan.

Photos lifted from here. (Thank you so much, People Magazine!)

My 2023 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

March 13, 2023March 13, 2023 charlenearossLeave a comment

Once again, the Oscars have come at an unfortunate time for me. I had the double whammy of coming home from a long weekend getaway at my girlfriend’s house in the beautiful St. George, UT (landed at Burbank Airport at 1:00 PM) and hosting a virtual trivia event for work at 5:00 PM. Sure, I was home between 2:00 and 5:00 – prime Red Carpet time, but between preparing for my work event and preparing for the week, sadly there was no Red Carpet for me. (But that’s what pictures on the internet are for.)

But before my trip, Marley promised me that she would stay home and we would eat pizza and drink margaritas and watch the awards while scouring the internet for Red Carpet pictures. And so we did.

And so, from my comfy couch, while consuming more calories during the Oscar broadcast than these ladies did the entire previous week, I present to you, Marley and Charlene’s Snarky Red Carpet Review.

Do we want to start with the good news or the bad news? Who are we kidding? Let’s start with the bad news.

This dress is very bad news…

Me: What the heck is going on with this dress?! It doesn’t look like it fits well – it almost looks baggy, the cape is hideous, and that fur on the bottom is just no, no, no!

Marley: I think without the awful fabric swallowing her body, it would have been beautiful. But instead the dress is ruined by those feathers and weird cape shawl.

Marley: Oh. Uh. that’s really bad, Mom. That’s really bad.

Me: Sigh. I mean Nicole always looks beautiful, but from her overly casual extensioned hair to her just plain ugly dress, I’m going to call this a no.

Marley: Everything about thai dress is terrible. It reminds me of one of those cheap Halloween table cloths

Me: In a word: hideous. But also, I have more words. It looks like a 1980’s Cinderella wedding dress dyed purple and black. Even without those awful balloon sleeves this dress would be terrible.

Marley: Marley She looks like she’s wearing crumpled bed sheets with some booty shorts and a sports bra.

Me: I don’t know what it looks like other than one big ol’ mess. It looks like she is as bad at picking stylists as she is at picking movie rolls. (If you were unfortunate enough to see Don’t Worry Darling, you know what I’m talking about.) And what is with that hair? Are her bangs created from the end of her ponytail? Thumbs down on everything about this look. I don’t even like her shoes.

And please, don’t for a second think it’s just the women we were snarky to. The men have to own up to their fashion mistakes as well.

Marley: Who is that?

Me: He’s an Irish actor and (searching the internet) that’s his wife. She is an orthodontist.

Marley: She’s an orthodontist? Lucky patients! The buttons on that suit look like bleached buttholes. You would think his wife is the famous one. She looks stunning.

Me: She does look stunning. Not a fan of his suit. Also, should it concern me that you know what bleached buttholes look like?

Marley: It looks like he bought it off Fashion Nova

Me: What is Fashion Nova?

Marley: It’s cheap fast fashion clothing with a lot of satin.

Me: Well, someone needs to tell The Rock that fast fashion is incredibly bad for the environment and that jacket is bad for my eyes. He looks like the maître d’ at a bad Vegas review show.

And now for the very good news, we are on to the good dresses. That’s right – there were not a lot of terrible dresses. And while terrible dresses do make for a funnier and snarkier post, if you know me at all, you know that I really am all about spreading joy and positivity. (Though admittedly, Marley – not so much!) And so, on to the very good news.

Me: I think this is everyone’s favorite dress. It has everything – the gorgeous, rich color, the beautiful fabric and the way it drapes just perfectly, the Angelia Jolie slit – it’s all around fab.

Marley: That would have been the best dress of the night if it didn’t have that stupid bow.

(In case you are somehow unaware, Marley hates bows)

Me: You are wrong. It is the best dress of the night. The dress is gorgeous. Even the bow.

While this dress is maybe a little bit on the nightgowny side, I think the look is overall, incredibly pretty. The hair, the makeup, the jewelry, the fairy princess dress – I give this look a 10/10.

Me: I think this dress is very pretty. I love the way it flows and Michelle looks stunning. I’m so glad she won the Oscar. This woman is 60 years old, friends. Definitely not “past her prime.”

Me: Wowza! I love the color of this dress. It looks like actual fire. 🔥🔥🔥

Marley: I usually don’t like the sparkly dresses, but she looks really pretty.

Marley: She looks amazing. So many women are wearing white tonight like they are all getting married. I still don’t understand the wedding dress theme but this is one of my favorite dresses.

Me: Agree. She looks absolutely stunning.

Also – did you notice that during the awards she came out in this exact same dress but in black? So basically, stars are just like us, because when I find something I like, I tend to buy one in every color.

Marley: You know I don’t like that headpiece but the rest of the dress is stunning. She wins for wedding dress of the night.

Me: I also don’t know how I feel about that headpiece situation but the dress is indeed stunning.

Marley: I think that’s really pretty. I mean, to be honest, the sequins do make it look a little cheap in my opinion, but the shape is really pretty.

Me: To be honest, I’m a bit conflicted about this dress. The sequins are a little too big and disco-bally and the ruffly cold shoulder is a litte too ruffly, but I don’t know. Somehow it works. And yes, as always, she does look really pretty.

Me: I think this dress is really pretty. I love the color.

Marley: No. That dress is not good. The color is pretty but I hate the shape.

Me: She looks gorgeous

Marley: she does

And because I am all about spreading joy and positivity, I will leave you this this photo…

I mean, look at these two. These are two powerful, beautiful, badass women in their 60s, who in this youth-obsessed industry (and youth-obsessed country and culture) just won their first Oscars. If that’s not beautiful, I don’t know what is.

Okay, friends. Let us know – what did we get right, what did we get wrong, and what did we miss?

Also, P.S. – Marley and I did not review Jamie Lee Curtis’s dress, but we both thought she looked amazing!

Photos borrowed from Vogue, CNN, and Deadline

The Golden Globes Are Back! (And So Is My Red Carpet Review)

January 11, 2023 charlenearossLeave a comment

“Do you want me to record the Golden Globes for you?” my husband asked me yesterday afternoon.

“The Golden Globes are back?” I answered. “I had no idea. Sure. Thank you. When are they on? Sunday?”

“Tonight?! On a Tuesday?! Why???”

Look, if you are a regular reader of my red carpet report (which is basically the only time I ever write a blog post anymore and seriously question myself everytime I do it), you know that I am often caught unaware of when awards shows are happening. But, I’m quite positive that the Globes have always been a Sunday event. What happened? Did they get a weekday discount on the Beverly Hilton ballroom?

Also, can I be honest? While watching the show, I wasn’t really that inspired. Most of the dresses were pretty but not amazing and the most of ones that weren’t great weren’t actually terrible. Tuesdays in general are kind of meh and so is this review.

But I rallied (as I do) to write this post for the 3 people who tell me they look forward to it every year. And, like every year, instead of writing it on the night of the awards like a professional, I get up at o’dark thirty the next morning (that would be today) and give my suburbanite comments on haute couture as if I know what I’m talking about. (Because I do.) Marley rallied as well because she is a good daughter.

And so, without further ado (aka me blathering on about why I am once again unprepared and unqualified to write this blog post), my 2023 Golden Globes Red Carpet Review…

We’ll start with the nopes.

Me: Selena Gomez is 30 and this dress is too matronly. It looks like it was made for 50-something-year old trying to hide her upper-arm jiggle. (And if there’s something I know about, it’s being a 50-something-year old trying to hide upper arm jiggle.) Take away those purple sleeves and this dress is a win. They have got to go.

Marley: I will forever never understand why puffy sleeves are a thing. They don’t look good.

Me I feel like I should like this dress but I don’t. The whole spider webby thing maybe. She looks gorgeous as always but I have to vote no on this one.

Marley: Is it a spider web or diamond bullseye?

Me: That flower has got to go and that Angelina Jolie high leg slit is so 2000 and whatever year that was.

Me: This dress is just one big ol’ ruffly mess. It’s a nope.

Me: Again with the ruffles. If this dress had just flowed elegantly down to the floor it would have been a 10/10 but that weird bottom ruins it for me. (I was so happy that Julia won the GG for Ozark though. Ruth Langmore will forever be one of my favorite TV characters.)

Me: It’s like Stevie Nicks’ designer added pleats, changed the color, and forgot the middle of one of her outfits. (BTW, in the 70’s when disco inspired fashion was a thing, I had a Danskin leotard and wrap skirt in this exact color.)

Marley: Slave Princess Leia but make it red carpet.

Me: I am conflicted by this dress as well. I want to love it. I think I would love it if it had a black underlay and you couldn’t see through to her bodysuit, which makes me sound like a modest old lady and this dress upsets me because it proves I am officially over.

Me: This is another dress I can’t figure out if I like or not. There really is something about it that is so pretty but also it looks like the chenille bedspread in my grandmother’s lake cabin.

Marley: Lamp shade couture.

Lest you think the women are the only ones who need to fire their designers, let me present you with this…

Me: WTF, is going on there, Adam? I dig the color but that weird tie has got to go.

Marley: I think he looks like a little flower boy who is wearing a suit he’ll laugh at in 20 years.

Me: Why???

Marley: Donald looks like he just woke up and was thrown into a car so he wouldn’t be late for the event.

Gentlemen, if you’d like to mix it up a bit, and don’t want to wear a basic tuxedo and still look daper, may I present this:

Me: Andrew looks great in this burnt orange suit. Love!

Marley: It’s nice to see something that isn’t a black suit and I think he looks like a fancy scooby-doo.

Me: Jeremy is looking fine in this leather suit. That necklace if bold and fabulous. I love it.

Marley: Leather on leather usually is tacky but he really pulls it off.

Me: Matt Bomer in a burgandy velvet tux = 100.

Here are my faves:

Me: In a word: Stunning. In more words: Angela Bassett is 64 years old and has obviously sold her soul to the devil. My question is, can she give me his number?

Marley: Amazing. Stunning. 11/10.

Me: Love the sparkly gold bricks and the diamond-shaped neckline. Fab!

Me: This is my favorite dress of the night. So simple, but also elegant and very different. I LOVE it.

Marley: I really hate this dress. I feel awful saying it but it really looks like a pad after your first day of a heavy flow. I don’t see the vision.

Me: Marley is 100% wrong and frankly I am disappointed in her not seeing the vision. She is a lover of modern art and if this were on a canvas at a museum she would find it as breathtaking as it is. (Though, to be fair, I am not a lover of modern art and if I saw this on a canvas in a museum, I would think it looked like a pretty blob of orange paint. Go figure.) But also, this dress is gorgeous.

Me: Why do I love Salma Hayek’s dress and dislike Jessica Chastain’s dress when the concept if very similar. I do not know. What I do know is that this dress is stunning.

Me: This is how you mix up the bottom of a dress. I find Margot Robbie very pretty in pink.

Marley: I feel like she can do so much better than this dress.

Me: Perhaps, but I still like it!

Me: I think this dress is very unique and beautiful.

Marley: Her silhouette is amazing in this but I hate the trend of square necklines, they’re so ugly.

Me: Marley is incorrect about square necklines. They accentuate the collarbone and hide the armpit-bar-overhang-flab. Not that I would know anything about that. (Spoiler alert: I know everything about that.)

Marley’s favorites:

Marley: I love the two piece and I think the yellow looks great on her, big fan.

Me: While I love dresses that are simply elegant and I don’t mind a two-piece ensemble, something about this just doesn’t work for me. I think the bandeau is too narrow, maybe. Do not love.

Marley: I love this and if I was famous I’d wear it on a red carpet, the top piece especially is amazing.

Me: I have to disagree with Marley again. While I do think the corsety top is very pretty, I don’ like how the skirt fluffs out below the hips. It’s almost as if her skirt is falling off. I’d like this dress more if it either hugged her body completely or fluffed out at the waist. Everyone knows that a full skirt is meant to hide the hips. (That is why it is my go-to style.) You can’t have it both ways. (Says me, the fashion expert.)

Marley: I love this dress, she looks so beautiful and I really like how the two pieces connect.

Me: There is too much going on here. Disagree.

And that, my friends, is what we call in Hollywood (and 30 miles from Hollywood), a wrap. This snarky suburbanite with opinions about things she has no business having opinions about has got to get herself to work. (Which means I need to take a quick shower and become Zoom presentable in about 30 minutes.)

I’d love to know your thoughts. Did I get it right or miss the mark? (But only tell me if you think I got it right.) 😉

Photos borrowed from here and here.

My Snarky 2022 Emmy’s Red Carpet Review

September 13, 2022 charleneaross5 Comments

I know I say this every year – I wasn’t going to do a review this year. My work week is insane – I should be working late (like 10 PM late) and starting early (like 5 AM early) in an effort to keep my head above water. But instead, I left work on time to watch the Emmy’s and used my early morning time to write this post. Plus, I had a happy hour planned tonight that I had to postpone two whole days. Do you see the sacrafices I make to do this for you people? (And by you people, I mean those of you who are kind enough to still read my blog after all these years. Thank you.)

And, also, yes I do realize that I can’t do a happy hour if I’m working until 10PM. (So maybe I really wouldn’t have done that anyway. Work until 10PM that is – I was definitely going to happy hour.)

But I digress -or I suppose that was me digressing, so rather, back to the point: the dresses.

With the help of my daughter Marley (and a few texts from my friends), here we go with the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s start with the ugly.

This dress is ugly.

Me: I absolutely love Julie Garner and I loved Ruth so much – I’m so glad she won for Best Supporting Actress. Her speech was lovely. She is lovely. This dress is not lovely. That cut out diamond is just dumb. It looks like she took a dress out of her very stylish grandmother’s closet and cut a peek-a-boo diamond out of the middle to make it look young and edgy. I’m going to give that a big ol’ nope. This dress does not work for me.

Marley: I’m really not a big fan of this dress, I think if a woman of basically any other body type would be made fun of on twitter for this cutout. I just think it’s a huge miss.

Sarah Paulson

Me: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah – this weird top-of-a-nun-habit + too-big 80’s belt + weird peplum pleat skirt is not working for me. I love Sarah Paulson’s acting but she needs to find a new stylist stat!

Marley: Sarah, no! :(. Sarah, why? Why are you doing this?

Kaley Cuoco

Me: This looks like an ice skating dress with an extra-long train. I just – no!

Marley: I feel like Katy Perry would have worn a better version of this dress at the 2009 VMAs or something. It looks like a cupcake.

Jasmine Savoy Brown

Me: Maybe I’m just old but this pleather dress is not for me. She might gain entry into Berghain wearing that getup but she should not have been allowed into the Emmy’s wearing it! in this case the dress does not meet the occassion.

Marley:I don’t love how blocky the dress is but I really love the concept and the idea of it. But the execution is only alright, however it has pockets!! So it’s great.

See, I am old for not liking it.

Laura Linney

Me: Speaking of grandma’s closets – what is with that weird poncho-y mock turtleneck-y monstrosity? Why such ugly dresses, women of Ozark, why? (BTW, I was very sad Laura Linney didn’t win. Zendaya is fabulous but I find Euphoria unwatchable, where Ozark was amazing and Wendy Byrde is one of the most complex-remarkable-loveable-hateable characters ever.)

Marley: The only word that came to my head was candlestick.

Kerry Washington

Me: Kerry would look gorgeous in a burlap sack and usually makes my best dressed list but this look is just not working for me. I don’t like the I’m-heading-to-yoga messy top knot and those tights with that dress are just horrific. If this dress was long and she had a better hairstyle it would be an A+.

Marley: I loathe the black tights, I think it makes an already iffy dress look downright terrible. Just a big miss with this fit.

Alright, these ugly ass dresses are bringing me down. Let’s get to the good stuff.

Issa Rae

Me: Now this is how you rock a cutout. This dress is gorgeous and Issa Rae looks stunning.

Hannah Waddingham

Me: And this is how you rock a poufy pink tulle dress. Gorgeous. Well done, Hannah. Well done!

Marley: I really like this dress, it reminds me of the Good Witch in The Wizard of Oz.

Amy Poehler

Me: I love Amy Poehler so much and am often sad because she makes it to my worst dressed list so frequently. But not tonight. Tonight she rocked it! Amy – you are one sexy hot mama in that dress. (Also, see how to rock a cutout part two!)

Marley: I think this is a really pretty dress and Amy looks gorgeous. It’s really flattering on her and the color is a great choice.

Geena Davis

Me: LOVE! I absolutely adore this shade of yellow. (Two of my very favorite tops are this shade of yellow.) This dress is a Greecian Goddess classic with a bright yellow twist. And I must have that belt.

Sheryl Lee Ralph

Me: Sheryl Lee Ralph stole the Emmy’s with her amazing acceptance speech. This woman is a queen! The jeweled hair, the jeweled makeup, the jeweled jewelry, that pop of perfect orange (not too sherberty, not too bright). This entire look is an A+++

Marley: I think this dress is stunning, especially the orange lining. Her hair as well is just beautiful, I love how it goes all the way to her hip.

My friend Laurel: Sheryl Lee Ralph wins queen of the night. Pop of orange in her skirt – yes!

HoYeon Jung

Me: I think this dress is really pretty. A simple cut + interesting (but not crazy) pattern = fabulous look. And I dig that barrette placement.

Marley: I love how this dress fits her, I think she looked amazing tonight. Everything from her hair down to her purse, I think it’s a great look.

Zendaya

Me: This elegant dress is stunning. And it has pockets! Perfection.

Marley: She always looks amazing and tonight’s no different. The dress fits her perfectly and she’s just stunning.

Jean Smart

Me: Look at Jean Smart rockin’ this dress. She looks amazing!

Rosario Dawson

Me: Pay attention, Laura Linney and Sarah Paulson – this is how you pull off an interesting top. This dress is fabulous.

My friend Laurel: Rosario = perfection.

Me: Normally, I wouldn’t add a look like this – I think it’s fine – not amazing and definitely not offensive. But my friend Laura texted me and said, “Can you say how beautiful Mariska looked?!!!” And she does look beautiful. I do love the jewelry. And I never watches SVU, but I got the joke when she and Christopher Meloni presented – hilarious. She really did look fab.

And speaking of fab – you know I always like to add a few gentlemen to the mix for you ladies, so here you go.

Me: Trevor Noah in navy blue. Yes, please. [Insert heart eye emoji!]

Me: This is how you rock an non-traditional tux. I love it!

Nicholas Hoult

Me: This is how you do NOT rock a non-traditional tux. What is with those bell bottoms? This look is a no for me.

Marley: Five-star restaurant waitstaff couture.

Andrew Garfield

Me: You know, Andrew Garfield usually doesn’t do it for me, but in this suit, he does it for me!

Well, friends, I’ve got to get to work. No time to edit, so please be more forgiving of grammatical/spelling errors than I was of celebrity fashion choices. (But seriously, Sarah Paulson, get a new stylist!)

And please, as always – let me know what you think. Agree? Disagree? And what looks did I miss?Photos source: eonline

My Snarky Academy Award 2022 Red Carpet Review

March 28, 2022 charleneaross2 Comments

Hello, Friends. I’m back. But only sort of. I did not have time to watch the red carpet yesterday because I was out living my life. (Translation: out celebrating a friend’s birthday on a Sunday afternoon at a flea market instead of on a Saturday night at a club because that is what ladies of a certain age do!)

But I did watch the Oscars (and Will Smith – you were in the wrong – WTF, dude!) and while watching the Oscars I sent screenshots to my daughter and her friend so they could do all the heavy lifting. Plus, 21 year olds are better at being snarky.

Before I start though, and say I found the dresses a little boring this year, to be honest. They were either pretty, but not amazing, or just meh, and not overly horrible. But please do enjoy the comments below by my daughter Marley, her friend Rachel, and me (who is definitely qualified to give fashion advise as I sit in my Costo leggings and Target hoodie).

Rachael: Overall really good look. I think the color makes her skin pop and glow. I love how her dress is blue like the ocean which makes her look like a mermaid.

Marley: I think that the bottom looks like butterfly wings which is beautiful. I don’t know how she’s able to sit in it with the wires I’m a little concerned it’ll go flat but I think it’s absolutely gorgeous on her especially the way it shapes her legs.

Me: This is not typically the kind of dress I love, but Megan pulls it off and looks gorgeous.

Marley: Super ugly dress, I don’t understand the gaudy bow at all.

Rachael: I hate this dress 110% awful. Absolutely horrendous. I dont like the bow at all.

Me: This kills me because I love Amy Schumer so much, but this dress looks like she found it on the clearance rack at dress barn.

Marley: I love the pants suit instead of a dress and it might even be a two piece if not the slit in the center. I don’t know how I feel about the Cape. Not really a cape person but I mean I guess it does make it a little bit fancier than just a pants suit

Rachael: I really love the color on her I think it looks really good. I really love the contrast of like the black nails with the really bright red it makes her stand out. I love the pants to be honest, the trousers are really cute. she can really rock this bold color all the way. I personally just don’t like the top itself also the jacket is a little weird I think she could’ve gone without it.

Me: I feel like the designers are getting a little overly creative with bodices trying to show cleavage in a new and clever way. And it’s just weird. That being said, I love this outfit (cape and all). I think it looks fab.

Rachael: OK first of all I just think Timothée Chalamet is really hot so I think it’s a really good. I love the jewelry, I’m not digging though the no top. I think it would look really good if it had a under top like with the jacket, but I love the hair.

Marley: Honestly not a fan. I don’t know why he doesn’t have a shirt on. I think that the blazer itself is cool and has a lot of design to it that I think is pretty however put on a shirt. That’s really it. Just wear a shirt.

Me: He looks like an ice skater who spent so much time lacing his skates that he didn’t have enough time to put his shirt before hitting the ice. (Also super glad that Marley and Rachael have the good sense to know that the dude really needs a shirt!)

Marley: I think her dress looks like those roses that you’ll see at the front of CVS during Valentine’s Day that are made of that kind of stiff tissue paper I don’t really understand it

Rachael: I think this dress is horrendous. I don’t think it looks good on her, I don’t think it would look good on anybody to be honest with you. I don’t know why they went with this dress, I have no words.

Me: Marley and Rachael don’t know what they’re talking about. This dress is gorgeous.

Marley: I don’t understand why designers make ugly sleeves a staple for every award show. This dress is just ugly.

Rachael: lt’s just not good. Blegh. No.

Me: Olivia Coleman, in my opinion is the new Meryl Streep. Amazing in whatever she does. We will be seeing her at the Oscars as long as she continues to make movies so she really does need to fire her stylist. Because, (what Rachael said) blegh. No!

Marley: She looks like she’s in medieval times wearing chain mail and trying not to get attacked in an oncoming war. I don’t really understand it I don’t think it’s very flattering on her and I really don’t get the vision nor do I see the vision

Rachael: I don’t like this at all I really don’t know much else to say besides that it really is awful. I don’t like that the jewelry make any sense. I think this is a really awful look I don’t know who let her walk out like this but whoever did deserves jail time.

Me: Again, this is hard for me because I love Jamie Lee Curtis so much (like, I mean love, love, love), but this monstrosity is a hard no!

Marley: I do think that the dress makes her waste look incredible, however I think that it’s absolutely ugly. I don’t understand the gold what a tiger head that are on there, and the whole T shoulders just really doesn’t make any sense to me.

Rachael: this is just really not a flattering dress. I think it’s really weird I don’t know I just don’t like it. I don’t know what’s going on with like all the symbols or like the tinfoil that looks like literal like tinfoil buttons I don’t like this at all it is really strange.

Me: What the actual fuck, Maggie? This dress is ridiculous.

Marley: Honestly I think it looks like she forgot a dress last minuet and grabbed a green screen off the wall. Not a fan of the shape either.

Rachael: this is really disappointing. I love H.E.R., but this is really bad. I dont like the design, the color is way too bright and the clutch purse is a weird accessory.

Me: They are wrong. This dress is fab. And look at those shoes – they are spectacular!

Marley: Yellow looks stunning on her, but I’m really not a fan of the robe she’s wearing.

Rachael: i think the dress style shouldve been different. I dont really care for the robe either i think this whole outfit needs a makeover baldy.

Me: I am seriously doubting my decision to seek Marley and Rachael’s opinions. Because there is only one thing to say about this look and it is Yaaaaas, Queen! (She looks amazing!)

Marley: The only thing that is redeemable about this outfit is her hair and makeup. The dress is horrible and looks like a dyed curtain.

Rachael: I love her hair style, its very cute but I think outfit choice was criminal.

Me: Well, at least these girls are starting to make sense again! This dress is horrific.

Marley: Very gorgeous dress, but I feel like it’s something you would see at a rich high school prom.

Rachael: This reminds me of middle school, TBH. I think its pretty and love the shimmer though.

Me: I think this dress is my favorite dress of the night. I think it’s gorgeous. (I really thought the girls would hate it though – I’m glad they (mostly) liked it too.)

So, there you have it, friends. My 2022 Oscar Red Carpet Review. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are there any spectacular or horrific dresses I missed? Let me know in the comments below.

Photos taken from here. (Thank you, People Magazine.)

My 2021 Emmy Red Carpet Review

September 20, 2021 charleneaross3 Comments

Apparently the Emmy’s were on last night. I had no idea. Which is sad because at least 5 people rely on me to write this report every year. And I love the Emmy’s. We watch a lot of TV and last year we really watched a lot of TV. Plus, the last few years it seems I’ve been traveling and my friends have taken over this post and this time I was actually home for once.

But I’ve got a lot going on. I recently received a promotion at work (yay), but my replacement hasn’t started yet, so I basically have two jobs, and I’ve launched a new program which is awesome, but also all-encompassing and overwhelming. Yesterday I spent five hours bringing my email inbox from 205 to 9. Then I did all my Sunday errands – laundry, Trader Joe’s, Costco, getting gas, returning a library book – Friends, I was hella productive.

But the Emmy’s? Not on my radar. Not only am I distracted by work, I’m also distracted by life. Because, like I said, I’ve got a lot going on. My niece has cancer. And not just your run-of-the-mill-we’ll-zap-that-with-some-chemo-your-hair-will-fall-out-but-then-you’ll-have-a-pretty-good-chance-of-being-fine type of cancer. She’s got an extremely rare holy-shit-what-the-fuck-do-we-do-and-how-in-the-world-do-we-treat-this type of cancer. So my family’s dealing with that.

I’m sorry for telling you that. Because this post is supposed to be funny and help you escape by looking at shiny and ridiculous things. And I truly believe that laughter is the best medicine. But sometimes that’s a struggle. Even for me. (Though, I will tell you, yesterday a family text chain turned into a selfie text chain that was hilarious. And my niece can rock a scrunchie from a hospital bed, let me tell you.)

But also. I don’t like to disappoint. So here is my favorite dress.

Michaela Cole looks stunning. Who knew neon yellow could be so fab?

Here are dresses that are dumb.

I love Sarah Paulson, but she consistently ends up on my worst dressed list.

I don’t think Gillian Anderson realized what kind of event she was attending. Gillian! It’s the Emmy’s not a fancy dinner at a yoga retreat!

Emma Corrin. All I can say is WTF? Neither Princess Diana nor The Queen would be amused.

And so there you have it. My I-didn’t-watch-the-Emmy’s-and-don’t-really-care Red Carpet Review.

Oh, and also. May I ask a favor? Would you mind looking at my niece Amanda’s GoFundMe? I know. GoFundMes drive me crazy too. I never thought I’d have to write one. It made me itchy and uncomfortable and downright depressed. And it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to ask. But, I’d do anything for my brother and his daughter needs help. And I would be so grateful.

Plus, look at her. This girl knows how to rock a dress.

Emmy photos taken from here.

My 2021 Academy Award Red Carpet Review

April 26, 2021April 26, 2021 charleneaross1 Comment

Can I be honest? I was a little underwhelmed with last night’s Oscar’s. I mean, the show itself was fine. I appreciated the effort. The set did look super cool. But, there was just no glamour. And I get it, we’re still in a pandemic and there weren’t many movies anyway, but the whole thing really left me uninspired.

But, the people have demanded this review. (And by “the people” I mean three Facebook friends.) Plus, I rarely get to spend time with Marley these days, and my friends Laurel and Shauna were texing me their input which made for a fun night. And for the first time in three years I was actually home to do it. And so, here we go again with another Academy Award Red Carpet Review.

Amanda Seyfried

Me: the dress is a yes, red is definitely her color.

Marley: She looks amazing, but I hate those ruffles and those pleats. It’s a no.

Regina King

Me: I want to love this dress so much, and I do love most of it – the cut, the color, the fit, the bottom, but those wings are just too much. Regina is a queen, however and would amazing in a paper sack.

Marley: Those sleeves look like the angel statues from Dr. Who. If you close your eyes they follow you.

Shauna: What’s up with Regina’s sleeves? She looks like a butterfly.

Colman Domingo

Me: Now that is one hot gay tux on a hot gay man. I love it!

Marley: I feel like I’ve already seen Lil’ Nas X wear the same thing. But it does look good on him.

Carey Mulligan

Me: Stunning.

Marley: Stunning!

Shauna: She looks like a princess!

Laura Dern

Me: I feel like I should hate this, but I actually don’t. I mean, I don’t love it, but she looks pretty.

Marley: Where did she come from? The Beauty and the Beast? Is she a duster? Did she kill a thousand swans?

Laurel: She looks like she’s going to take flight.

Youn Yuh-jung

Marley: I love her dress. It’s very pretty.

Me: It has pockets!

Marley: I know. That’s why I love it.

Me: I am also madly in love with Youn Yuy-jung. I loved her speech (she is hilarious) and her mad love for Brad Pitt.

Margot Robbie

Me: Love, love, LOVE that hair! The dress is a little unglamorous, but like I said, it’s an unglamorous year. It’s simple and pretty. But those bangs and that messy ponytail? I’m obsessed!

Marlee Matlin

Marley: This is the first time I don’t hate stupid sleeves. I like the beading and she looks beautful.

Me: She looks gorgeous. I like the dress and feel like my friend Kim Robinson will absolutely love it.

H.E.R.

Laurel: H.E.R. looks regal.

Marley: H.E.R. looks fantastic. Probably my favorite outfit of the night.

Me: I love it!

Zendaya

Marley: Zendaya looks beautiful, I love that dress.

Me: Zendaya looks beautiful. I hate that dress.

Laurel: Beautiful girl, bad yellow dress.

Halle Berry

Me: No! No!! NO!! You know how in those ugly duckling movies the girl just changes her hair and clothes and suddenly she’s beautiful? Halle Berry just did the opposite! Because Halle Berry, one of the most beautiful women to ever grace our fine planet was looking pretty fugly with that stupid hair (god, I hope it’s a wig!). Seriously. What happened? Oh yeah, and I didn’t like her dress either.

Marley: Halle Berry’s hair is stupid and her dress is ugly.

Laurel: Halle Berry looks awful. Bad dress. Bad Hair.

Shauna: Agree

Reece Witherspoon

Me: Reece Witherspoon looks fine. Her dress is fine. She probably put about the same amount of effort in choosing that dress as I’m putting into writing this blog post, which is to say, not much. But in this unglamorous year, I will give her a pass. But, Reece? Part your hair on the side like a grown-up! You are a Gen-X grown ass woman and you’re not fooling anyone with that Gen Z middle part!

Viola Davis

Me: I like it! Very unique. She looks like a modern Greek Goddess

Shaua: I am trying to wrap my head around Viola Davis’s dress. It ‘s very distracting but kinda cool.

Me: Marley and I love it.

Laurel: I love it.

Shauna: REFUSE HATE! I love it!

(Apparently I am quite the influencer.)

Dana Murray

Me: I did not know who Dana Murray was before tonight. A quick IMDB search shows that she has made quite the rise over the last 12 years at Pixar and Disney from working in the animation department for Up to becoming the producer of Soul. You go, girl. Now get yourself a dress that does not look like one of the balloons that made the Ed Asner’s house float away.

Marley: Is she from the Wizard of Oz? Her dress looks like it’s caught in a tornado.

Laurel: NO! What is this?

Shauna: It looks like she is about to float away.

Frances McDormand

Me: Look, I get that Frances McDormand doesn’t do glamour. That’s fine. She’s an eccentric and complicated woman. You don’t want to wear makeup? Fine. You want to wear an ugly dress? Fine? But is it really too much effort to put on a Crest white strip and pull a comb through that dirty-ass hair? I wouldn’t do a late night milk run at 7-11 without puttiing a hat on that mop!

Laurel: For God’s sake, woman run a brush through that dirty hair!

Shauna: Frances McDormand is WEIRD!

So was this Academy Awards, Shauna. But at least unlike Frances McDormand’s non-existing stylist (and also, myself), they tried. They really did try.

What are your thoughts on this year’s Academy Awards?

Photos were mostly trolled from here, but also from here.

Oscar’s Fashion Eye is 2020

February 10, 2020March 9, 2020 charleneaross1 Comment

It’s Laurel & Lexington here! Usually Charlene writes a funny, snarky, poignant blog post for the Oscar’s ever-anticipated Red Carpet, but this year, her working/traveling/jet-setting self is allowing her friends & daughter to guest-write her post. She may live to regret it, like Kristen Wiig is regretting her dress choice, but hey – life is all about taking risks! Just ask Maya Rudolph, if you can find her under that smock.

Let’s break this down into 4 categories.

Black & White
In the Pink
Just Lovely
That’s a HARD NO

Charlene here: Laurel & Lexi – 1,000 thank yous for taking over my blog and writing this post. Sitting at the airport now (work is so inconvenient to my snarky hobbies!) and will add my commentary (if needed). From what I’ve seen so far, I might be out of a (non) job with Laurel & Lexi’s spot-on fashion eye.

Black & White

The classic black gown, the stunning white couture, a handsome tux. Who needs color when you can rock black & white like this?

Keanu Reeves & his mom – so right on so many levels. Well done!

Cynthia Erivo owns every piece of this look. Versace goodness!

Why ya gotta be so perfect, Charlize Theron? Hot damn!

Ms. Cruz, te amo – you are divine in black & white.

Renee Zellweger – that Armani dress is undeniably stunning.
Charlene: This may be the dress of the night. Bridget Jones – I like you just as you are. (Fabulous!)

Brad Pitt – winner, winner, won’t kick you out of bed for eating a chicken dinner.
You know what I mean.
Charlene: I do know what you mean, and you are right!

In The Pink

We don’t have to fear pink – it’s feminine and free and fabulous. From blush to bubblegum, pink is the new black. These goddesses look so beautiful – their accessories alone are enough to include them!

Julia Butters – this dress is so flowy and perfect for her young self, and that sparkly pink orb bag! Lexington says: she looks like cotton candy. Deelish.
Charlene: She does look adorable, but I have to admit, I am not a fan of the sleeves (but she is a child, so I will allow it). That purse, though? I want it!

Brie Larson is elegant in this sparkly, clingy, sexy look. Steamy!
Charlene: Brie Larson always looks amazing. Her stylist definitely knows what they’re doing!

Idina Menzel nails it here – the gown, the necklace, the hair & make-up.
We can’t let this one go!
Charlene: Hmmm… I’m not sure I’m as big a fan.

Angela Bassett looks incredible in this bold pink stunner – love every element of her look! Is she aging? Nope.
Charlene: Angela Bassett is 61! 61!!! She has obviously made a deal with the devil!

Gal Gadot called her friend Caitriona Balfa and said, “Let’s wear black & pink gowns and look hot.” And they did!

Caitriona Balfa – ditto!
Charlene: I actually can’t tell if I hate that pink thing or not. (I know if Marley chose to participate she would have!) I want to hate it – but not sure that I do.

Just Lovely

If I weren’t sitting on my couch waiting for my Persian food to be delivered while watching this fancy night out, I might not be wearing jammy pants and Isotoner slippers. But am I. However, these gorgeous people are just lovely.

Billy Porter in Giles Deacon couture – I mean, is anyone more stylish? Just Lovely.
Charlene: Only Billy Porter could pull this off. And he does!

Janelle Monáe is…Just Lovely. There are no words.
Charlene: Laurel is wrong – there are words and the are: Wow! I love this dress so much. Stunning-Fabulous-Lovely

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is Just Lovely, in her blue elegance and heavenly jewels.
Charlene: Another starlet who has made a deal with the devil. Not only is she hilariously funny, gorgeous, and does not age, she is probably rich enough to actually afford that necklace!

Kaitlyn Dever, you shatter our Just Lovely category. Holy beauty!!
Charlene: Simply Fabulous.

Kelly Ripa could have stunned us in the Black & White category with this classic gown, but with Mark’s beautiful blue tux, they are…Just Lovely!

Mindy Kaling in Dolce & Gabana and her Chopard jewelry is so lovely, it almost hurts.
So good!
Charlene: 100% agree!

Olivia Colman in Stella McCartney and those earrings is Just Lovely!
Charlene: I love Olivia Colman, but often do not love what she wears. This I like.

Rebel Wilson, in gold goddessness, and perfect red lips. Just Lovely!
Charlene: Rebel looks FAB!

As always, Regina King looks like a queen. And is Just Lovely!
Charlene: Regina King never disappoints. She is Hollywood glamour at it’s finest. She is not only a King – she is a Fashion Queen!

Take your Just Lovely and get a room, Colin & Scarlet!
Charlene: Talk about a deal with the devil – how did Colin Jost ever land ScarJo? (I’ll tell you – he makes her laugh!) But seriously, her dress is just like her – beyond gorgeous, and they both look lovely.

Sandra Oh YES! You are Just frocking Lovely in this gown.
Charlene – This is where Laurel and I disagree. While Sandra does look lovely, I do not love the chenille bedspread portion of this dress. (I swear the bottom and sleeves of this dress look exactly like my grandmother’s old bedspread.) Take off that fuzzy business and you’ve got yourself a gorgeous dress.

That’s a HARD NO

It’s a challenge to put our beloved into this category, but fear not – it’s necessary. They need to think about what they’ve done!

Charlene’s friend Jillian said it best: *Kristen Wiig looks like a red octopus*.
It’s a shame, because with that cute hair & make-up, she could have been just lovely.
Charlene: Yes, this dress definitely falls into the “less is more” category. As in this dress would be (more) beautiful if it had less (as in none) of whatever that ruffle business is attached to it. Without the octopus arm lasagna noodles stuck on the side of this dress it would be stunning.

Maya Rudolph, we love you so, but what the frock is going on here?
Charlene: (I see what you did there, Laurel!) Also, Maya, I love you. But you seriously need to fire your stylist. Stat!

Ryan Michelle Bathe, you are shockingly beautiful – the opposite of this tent.
Charlene: Laurel – really?! I like it!

Saoirse Ronan, what the frock happened here???
Charlene: Saoirse is usually in my best dressed category, but I am not a fan of this one. Just too much going on. Take away the peplum and you’ve got a beautiful dress (or keep the peplum and make the skirt black). And those bangs? Not a fan. (And this is coming from a girl who has always and will forever always have bangs!)

Coco would say NO NO! Billie Eilish, this is a HARD NO!
Charlene: While I am not a fan of this look, I know that this is Billie’s signature style (which I am also not a huge fan of), so I respect it. But, what I DO give a hard no on are those nails. Seriously, Billie. WTF with those nails?!

And that’s it, folks. This year’s Oscars prove that fashion isn’t for everyone, but those who get it, really get it right! Oh…wait…one more for Charlene! xoxo

Laurel and Lexi – once again, thank you so much! You did a fabulous job. Next year I will try my best to not be working. But if I am, I know my red carpet post will be in good hands.

Charlene Ross

Tag: red carpet