My 2016 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Reviews Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again – awards season. And time for my snarky red carpet reviews. Because if there’s one thing a 50-year-old suburbanite with a closet full of Old Navy who wore the same dress as seven other girls to her prom is qualified to do, it’s critique gorgeous Hollywood celebrities on their fashion choices.

The theme this year seemed to be plunging necklines, killer diamond necklaces, and sideswept hair. (And a little too much yellow for my taste.)

Here is how you do a plunging neckline correctly:

jenna-dewan-tatum-golden-globes-2016
Jenna Dewan Tatum looks gorgeous!

 

Kirsten Dunst shows us how to do a plunging neckline incorrectly:

kirsten-dunst-golden-globes-2016
Too much boob!

 

I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction with this dress. Did Kristen hear that Jennifer Lopez wasn’t showing her boobs this year and think she’d step into that spot? Or maybe it’s just the velvet I don’t like. Maybe a nice crepe would have worked better for me.

Jaimie Alexander from Blindspot wore another plunging neckline dress that I liked:

jaimie-alexander-golden-globes
Love this!

I think the color is beautiful and the geometric shapes make the dress interesting without taking over.

Here are two more dresses I did not like at all.

amanda-peet-rooney-mara-golden-globes-red-carpet-2016
Nope!

The color is too close their skin tone (especially Rooney Mara’s) and I do not like all that fluff.

If you want to wear a pale color (or show off your boobs the right way), here’s the way you do it:

katy-perry-golden-globes-2016
va-va-voom

Katy Perry looks fabulous in this rose colored gown. It’s a little plain, but with that cleavage I don’t think anyone noticed. Plus, check out that hair, I think bumpit sales are going to skyrocket today.

(If you want to watch a funny video of Katy Perry and Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet discussing Katy’s bumpit, check this out.)

More bad choices? Here we go…

I love the bottom half of Leslie Mann’s dress, but the top? Yuck. I don’t even get it.

2016-leslie-mann-golden-globes
What is going on with this dress?

 

And what happened with the Game of Thrones ladies? Did they get a memo to wear the ugliest dresses possible?

2016- emilia-clarke-golden-globes
Where are her arms coming from?

 

2016- natalie-dormer-golden-globes
What is that thing around her neck?

 

I love dresses that are simple and even a little bit plain, but to me Taraji P. Henson’s dress was a little too plain. (I know, picky, picky!) But I absolutely adored her earrings.

Taraji-P-Henson-earrings-2016-golden-globe-red-carpet
Stunning!

And speaking of gorgeous jewelry, I must have that diamond lariat necklace on J-Lo. I also really liked her dress, so classy and beautiful.

jennifer-lopez-giambattista-valli-yellow-dress-golden-globes-2016-h724

I did not however, love the color. (And my friend Laurel agrees.)

2016-golden-globe-gossip
Damn I have funny friends!

 

I was on the fence about Brie Larson’s dress. I think it’s pretty and liked the originality of it, but she looked uncomfortable. Kind of like she had to slouch a tad bit just to keep it on. But then again, who ever said fashion was comfortable. (When it comes to the red carpet, it’s better to look good than to feel good, right?)

brie-larson-golden-globes-2016-h724
Gorgeous, but uncomfortable!

Here are some of the dresses I absolutely loved:

Amy Adams dress looks much more orange in this photo than it did on TV, but it’s gorgeous (and so is she) either way.

amy-adams-atelier-versace-golden-globes-2016-h724
One of my favorite dresses of the night.

 

Kate Winslet looked sublime.

kate-winslet-golden-globes-2016
The definition of classic beauty.

 

I am usually not a fan of cutouts on dresses, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was beautiful. And I know that her necklace was all the rage, but it was a little too much for me. Also, I would have liked to have seen here with her hair down, in a soft, wavy style, but I still think overall she looked beautiful.

jennifer-lawrence-red-dior-dress-golden-globes-2016
Beautiful!

 

Show me a ball gown that is classic, looks comfortable and has pockets and I’ll give you an A+ every time!

 

Love the pockets!
Gina Rodriguez get an A+!

 

Olivia Wilde is another example of the plunging neckline done right. (And that necklace ain’t bad either!)

olivia-wilde-golden-globes-2016
One word: WOW!

And I like to save the best for last. Helen Mirren is always classy, always beautiful and always gets the red carpet right. She is not beautiful for her age. She is simply beautiful. (And I just adore this picture of her.)

helen-mirren-golden-globes-2016-h724
Helen Mirren is always classy and gorgeous.

As for the awards themselves… well, that’s another post for another day (or not). But as someone whose own dreams are just starting to come true, my favorite moment by far was Rachel Bloom’s acceptance speech. In case you missed it (or even if you didn’t) watch it here. I promise it will be your feel-good moment of the day.

 

Oh, and if you’re wondering what Ricky Gervais whispered to Mel Gibson, you can find that out here. (Wow! That guy’s got some big balls. And really doesn’t like Mel Gibson.)

And in a final note, even though it has nothing to do with the Golden Globes, since we are talking about fashion and icons, I wanted to mention that I was so saddened to hear about the death of David Bowie this morning. His music was a huge part of my youth. I might have worn out the grooves of my Let’s Dance album. I loved seeing photos of him and his wife Iman – such a stunning couple. Few celebrities bring me to tears when they pass, but he is certainly one of them. He will forever be missed.

david-bowie-and-iman
Dear David: You will forever be missed.

 

 

Photo credits: Most photos were all Getty Images lifted from Glamor magazine (thanks Laurel for sending the link) except for Taraji P. Henson, which is from here and David Bowie & Iman, which is from here.

And please, as always, let me know if you think I nailed it or totally missed the mark in the comments below.

 

8 thoughts on “My 2016 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Reviews Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

  1. Okay here’s where I confess that I didn’t watch the show, don’t know who half these people are, and would rather wear Old Navy than a gown with jewels any day of the week.

    But your wrap-ups? I could read them forever and ever.
    (I probably will.)

    p.s. Thanks for the Bowie tribute at the end. A class act gone too soon. And I’ll bleep myself here but I still want to say F@!k cancer.

  2. This was great Charlene! I missed the real thing and you are spot on in your comments! Helen Mirren is such a class act but I did not think it was Jennifer Lawrence’s finest moment- even though I always like her! Good job!

  3. Loved your picks, Charlene!
    I agree about Bowie. He was a huge part of my high school party days!
    Also, I adore and love and want to be Helen Mirren!
    She gives us all hope that sexiness lives forever.

    xxxx kiss and love and wind-chills from MN.

  4. I had my own live commentary on Facebook watching the red carpet interviews – I was channeling Joan Rivers and my # 1 comment was “PUT YOUR BOOBS BACK INSIDE YOUR DRESS”…. half of those women looked like they should be hanging out on a street corner to pick up some extra cash instead of attending the Golden Globes. My #1 pick for best dressed goes to Helen Mirren – classic & beautiful. She wins hands down. There were so many awful dresses and poor fashion choices…I called Rooney Mara’s dress a combo of an old bedspread that was shredded in farm equipment, Kate Hudson’s dress was far too pale for her skin tone & made her look like a tacky mermaid, and her hair was a sloppy mess. While I personally love Kirsten Dunst & her makeup was flawless, that “dress” evoked flashback’s to the Carol Burnett show where she was playing Scarlet O’Hara. It looked like 2 velvet curtain panels that stopped at the top of her shoulder blades (where the rod should go through) then taped onto her body with some string strategically wrapped around to hold it up…sorry but that dress was ridiculous. You can’t be serious about Katy Perry?!!!??? Melissa Rivers summed it up perfectly when she said she thought Snooky had stepped onto the red carpet – bumpit & all. That was SOOO Jersey girl tacky! It’s such a shame that so few of these people know how to be classy, iconic “stars” and dress better. Their stylists should be fired. Thanks to Kate Winslet, Jennifer Lawrence & Amy Adams for leading the pack in Red Carpet attire. I only watched the first hour to see Ricky Gervais and almost fell asleep with the boring speeches….thankfully I could switch to Downton Abbey at 9PM to see some really GOOD fashion choices 🙂 Nice work Charlene. And I, too, am completely devastated over the loss of my beautiful Goblin King…been full of tears all day long 😦

    • OMG, Donna, this is truly the best comment I’ve ever received on my blog. (You need to start your own!) You assessment of Rooney Mara and Kirsten Dunst’s dresses are hilarious and spot on!

      And yeah, I know the bumpit was ridiculous and Katy’s dress looked more like a prom dress (in Pepto Bismo pink), but for some reason I still liked it.

  5. I did not like the weird side-hair that so many of the GG attendees, men and women, were sporting. Kate Winslet can never lose in my book and she looked happy and beautiful but I couldn’t shake the side-hair. Must be my symmetry issue. Great post as usual and you make me excited for the Oscars now!

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