My 2016 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Reviews Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again – awards season. And time for my snarky red carpet reviews. Because if there’s one thing a 50-year-old suburbanite with a closet full of Old Navy who wore the same dress as seven other girls to her prom is qualified to do, it’s critique gorgeous Hollywood celebrities on their fashion choices.

The theme this year seemed to be plunging necklines, killer diamond necklaces, and sideswept hair. (And a little too much yellow for my taste.)

Here is how you do a plunging neckline correctly:

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Jenna Dewan Tatum looks gorgeous!

 

Kirsten Dunst shows us how to do a plunging neckline incorrectly:

kirsten-dunst-golden-globes-2016
Too much boob!

 

I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction with this dress. Did Kristen hear that Jennifer Lopez wasn’t showing her boobs this year and think she’d step into that spot? Or maybe it’s just the velvet I don’t like. Maybe a nice crepe would have worked better for me.

Jaimie Alexander from Blindspot wore another plunging neckline dress that I liked:

jaimie-alexander-golden-globes
Love this!

I think the color is beautiful and the geometric shapes make the dress interesting without taking over.

Here are two more dresses I did not like at all.

amanda-peet-rooney-mara-golden-globes-red-carpet-2016
Nope!

The color is too close their skin tone (especially Rooney Mara’s) and I do not like all that fluff.

If you want to wear a pale color (or show off your boobs the right way), here’s the way you do it:

katy-perry-golden-globes-2016
va-va-voom

Katy Perry looks fabulous in this rose colored gown. It’s a little plain, but with that cleavage I don’t think anyone noticed. Plus, check out that hair, I think bumpit sales are going to skyrocket today.

(If you want to watch a funny video of Katy Perry and Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet discussing Katy’s bumpit, check this out.)

More bad choices? Here we go…

I love the bottom half of Leslie Mann’s dress, but the top? Yuck. I don’t even get it.

2016-leslie-mann-golden-globes
What is going on with this dress?

 

And what happened with the Game of Thrones ladies? Did they get a memo to wear the ugliest dresses possible?

2016- emilia-clarke-golden-globes
Where are her arms coming from?

 

2016- natalie-dormer-golden-globes
What is that thing around her neck?

 

I love dresses that are simple and even a little bit plain, but to me Taraji P. Henson’s dress was a little too plain. (I know, picky, picky!) But I absolutely adored her earrings.

Taraji-P-Henson-earrings-2016-golden-globe-red-carpet
Stunning!

And speaking of gorgeous jewelry, I must have that diamond lariat necklace on J-Lo. I also really liked her dress, so classy and beautiful.

jennifer-lopez-giambattista-valli-yellow-dress-golden-globes-2016-h724

I did not however, love the color. (And my friend Laurel agrees.)

2016-golden-globe-gossip
Damn I have funny friends!

 

I was on the fence about Brie Larson’s dress. I think it’s pretty and liked the originality of it, but she looked uncomfortable. Kind of like she had to slouch a tad bit just to keep it on. But then again, who ever said fashion was comfortable. (When it comes to the red carpet, it’s better to look good than to feel good, right?)

brie-larson-golden-globes-2016-h724
Gorgeous, but uncomfortable!

Here are some of the dresses I absolutely loved:

Amy Adams dress looks much more orange in this photo than it did on TV, but it’s gorgeous (and so is she) either way.

amy-adams-atelier-versace-golden-globes-2016-h724
One of my favorite dresses of the night.

 

Kate Winslet looked sublime.

kate-winslet-golden-globes-2016
The definition of classic beauty.

 

I am usually not a fan of cutouts on dresses, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was beautiful. And I know that her necklace was all the rage, but it was a little too much for me. Also, I would have liked to have seen here with her hair down, in a soft, wavy style, but I still think overall she looked beautiful.

jennifer-lawrence-red-dior-dress-golden-globes-2016
Beautiful!

 

Show me a ball gown that is classic, looks comfortable and has pockets and I’ll give you an A+ every time!

 

Love the pockets!
Gina Rodriguez get an A+!

 

Olivia Wilde is another example of the plunging neckline done right. (And that necklace ain’t bad either!)

olivia-wilde-golden-globes-2016
One word: WOW!

And I like to save the best for last. Helen Mirren is always classy, always beautiful and always gets the red carpet right. She is not beautiful for her age. She is simply beautiful. (And I just adore this picture of her.)

helen-mirren-golden-globes-2016-h724
Helen Mirren is always classy and gorgeous.

As for the awards themselves… well, that’s another post for another day (or not). But as someone whose own dreams are just starting to come true, my favorite moment by far was Rachel Bloom’s acceptance speech. In case you missed it (or even if you didn’t) watch it here. I promise it will be your feel-good moment of the day.

 

Oh, and if you’re wondering what Ricky Gervais whispered to Mel Gibson, you can find that out here. (Wow! That guy’s got some big balls. And really doesn’t like Mel Gibson.)

And in a final note, even though it has nothing to do with the Golden Globes, since we are talking about fashion and icons, I wanted to mention that I was so saddened to hear about the death of David Bowie this morning. His music was a huge part of my youth. I might have worn out the grooves of my Let’s Dance album. I loved seeing photos of him and his wife Iman – such a stunning couple. Few celebrities bring me to tears when they pass, but he is certainly one of them. He will forever be missed.

david-bowie-and-iman
Dear David: You will forever be missed.

 

 

Photo credits: Most photos were all Getty Images lifted from Glamor magazine (thanks Laurel for sending the link) except for Taraji P. Henson, which is from here and David Bowie & Iman, which is from here.

And please, as always, let me know if you think I nailed it or totally missed the mark in the comments below.

 

My Snarky Oscar Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them): 2014

I have to be honest… this year’s snarky Oscar post… it’s a little uninspired. Dave and I never go to the movies anymore so I saw very few of the movies nominated. Thanks to a friend we were able to catch Gravity and American Hustle via screeners (well, I mostly slept through American Hustle – I know my boyfriend Bradley Cooper is in that movie- I get up at 5AM, what can I say?), but we didn’t see anything else. It’s hard to root for movies you haven’t seen.

Also, everyone looked really lovely last night. It’s hard to snark when everyone looks great.

Plus, if I’m honest, I’ll tell you that the older I get (sigh, I hate saying that), I really don’t like to be mean. How about if I just show you some pretty pictures I stole borrowed off the internet instead and hope for some blog traffic via Pinterest and call it a day this time? You’ll forgive me won’t you?

Okay, I’ll tell you what, I will start with just a little bit of snark.

This is what happens when you invite Olympic ice skaters to the Oscars. Tara Lipinski shows up in a wedding gown and Johnny Weir dresses like a fancy butler.

tara-lipinski-johnny-weir

Angelina Jolie – really? I miss your leg. That dress is pretty, but honestly a bit matron-y, a little mother-of-the bride even – you could have waited 20 years to wear it. And Brad Pitt? That hair? Uh.. no!

brad-pitt-angelina-jolie

And speaking of hair – Jared Leto. You are so pretty, Jared, but would be even more beautiful if you had the Jordan Catalano haircut going again. I know you are a rock star and an arteest and really don’t care about such things, but your lady fans would really appreciate it and you want to please your fans, don’t you Jared? But I will say, your acceptance speech – one of the best I’ve ever heard. So gracious and lovely. I can’t think of anything that would have made a more beautiful speech. (Except maybe a haircut.)

jared-leto

Pharrell Williams – I suppose you can get away with this, because you’re a musician and might not know any better. But your wife might have wanted to dress up a bit more. (Oh – BTW, your performance? Loved it!)

pharrell-williams-helen-lasichanh

I loved Amy Adams’ dress but I did not like her hair. It would have been so much prettier if she’d worn it down, all wavy and Veronica Lake-like. But I forgive her because of the threat of rain. Perhaps she’s like me and her hair gets all limp and frizzy at the slightest hint of moisture in the air.

amy-adams - Copy

Charlize Theron – thee most stunning and breathtaking dress of the night. WOW! And that necklace, spectacular. Move over Jessica Rabbit (and Angelina Jolie), Charlize has just out va-va-voomed you.

charlize-theron

Giuliana Rancic – that dress is so pretty. Like a princess. And the umbrella is a fabulous accessory.

giuliana-rancic

I love the soft light blue of  Best Supporting Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o’s dress. And that diamond headband – gorgeous! Lupita may be new to the Hollywood scene, but she certainly found the right stylist. This girl can work the red carpet for sure!

lupita-nyong

Jennifer Lawrence looks fabulous once again. Peplum was a big runway trend and her red peplum dress was a stunner. Her make-up was pretty and I liked the swept-back hair. And that necklace worn kind of backwards? I must have it!

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I loved Jennifer Garner’s fringe-y flapper-style dress. That’s how you have some fun on the red carpet. And Amy Adams – please take notes on Jennifer’s hair. Her side-swept loose waves are perfect.

jennifer-garner

Sandra Bullock looked stunning in this navy blue strapless dress. (And again, I love the side-swept hair!)

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Best Actress Oscar winner Cate Blanchett also looked very pretty. This dress might have washed her out a little bit, but overall I think it was very pretty. And those earrings? Add them to my shopping cart with Jennifer Lawrence’s necklace.

cate-blanchett

Jenna Dewan-Tatum – I don’t know who you are. I’m guessing you are married to Channing Tatum? (Lucky girl!) Your big ol’ mess of diamonds that turns into a big ol’ mess of feathers? I kind of like it.

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Bette Midler – this dress is simply stunning. And your Wind Beneath My Wings performance was sublime. I love and adore you.

bette-midler - Copy

And to end my un-snarky snark here’s some eye candy for you. You’re welcome.

bradley-cooper

And remember Bradley – even though I slept through most of your performance (my fault – not yours!) and didn’t see Jared’s, I hear you didn’t stand a chance against him, so please don’t feel badly for losing the Best Supporting Actor category. But just in case you do, remember, I’m always here to comfort you.

Photo credit: All photos Getty Images  borrowed from here. (Thank you NY Daily News!)

Leibster Blog Award #1

Wow! I’ve been selected for the Liebster Blog Award. The word Liebster means “dearest” or “favorite” in German, and the award is given as a form of recognition and support for smaller, up and coming blogs. (Who me?!)

And the most amazing thing is I’ve been awarded the Liebster Blog Award twice! That’s right – two amazing bloggers have given me this award. I am truly touched and honored – thank you!

First, my sincere thanks to Demetria Foster Gray, a fellow skirt blogger and writer of her own blog, Shaken But Not Stirred for selecting me as a blog favorite. It truly is a gift to be acknowledged by your blogging peers. Check out Demetria’s blog to experience her thoughtful and inspiring viewpoints. She is an incredibly talented writer.

Liebster Award rules:

  1. Answer your nominator’s eleven questions.
  2. Think of eleven questions of your own.
  3. Choose a few worthy bloggers (who have fewer than 500 followers) to interview and pay it forward.
  4. Make sure to inform the bloggers they’ve been nominated winners.

Here are my questions from Demetria:

1.   Why did you start blogging?

I started writing little slice of life essays and submitting them to national magazines – like Redbook and Parenting. Unfortunately all I received was a stack of rejection letters. (Really, magazines like that don’t want to take risks on unpublished writers?! Huh!) I stumbled upon skirt.com and applied to be a skirtsetter blogger. They said yes! Hooray! (Although, I’m pretty sure they say yes to everyone that applies. Oh well…) Blogging was a way for me to write and have my voice be heard. (And not get rejected.)

2.   If you could be granted three wishes, what would they be?

First, to have my book published, become a best seller and made into a movie starring Amy Adams and Bradley Cooper. (That’s one wish, right?) Second to win a smallish Lotto, say $10,000,000 -I really don’t want the responsibility of a ridiculous Lotto- just enough money to be able to vacation wherever and whenever I want, send my kids to whatever college they can get into, get a bigger house and have someone clean it, and to get daily private yoga and massages. Third for my kids to become happy, healthy, confident, well adjusted adults who enjoy life and never give into peer pressure to do things they don’t want to and shouldn’t do. (Hmmm, I probably should have listed that one first!)

3.   When you don’t want to be bothered, where do you go to hide?

As a mom of two kids hiding isn’t really an option. And I have a small house, so that doesn’t help. But usually if I go in my room and shut my door I can hide out for a little bit. (Like 10 minutes, maybe.) In my fantasy life I hide at the beach. But that never happens in real life.

4.   Sunny day or cloudy day? Which one and why?

Sunny, without a doubt. Why? I’m a SoCal girl born and raised. We like the sun!

5.   Exercise or TV? Which one and why?

Depends on the time of day. I like to exercise in the morning and watch TV at night. (I almost NEVER exercise after noon. Except for yoga – but that’s pretty rare.) Once the sun goes down I am a total couch potato.

6.   Pepsi or Coke? Which one and why?

I guess Coke. Diet Coke specifically. Or better yet – Tab. (A Coke product.) But honestly, I don’t drink very much soda. As a teenager and in college I was addicted to it. But now I only have two or three a month, if that.

7.   Sex or sleep? Which one and why?

I never seem to get enough of either. (Who has the time?)

8.   If you could ask God only one question, what would it be?

Why do you take children from their parents? Especially violently. It doesn’t make sense.

9.   What is the best age of your life and why?

I like the confidence that being in my 40’s brings. I just wish I had a bit (or a lot) more money to enjoy this time of my life.

10. If you had to eat only one type of food for the rest of your life what would it be?

Cheeseburgers

11. If you could change one physical trait about yourself what would it be?

If you had asked me this question most of my life -from puberty until just a few years ago- I would have said my thighs. I have saddlebags for days that poke out below my hips and don’t ever seem to firm up no matter how much I exercise. But to be honest, I’m now kind of used to them (I’m not saying I like them) and have a whole wardrobe built around how to camouflage them. But my upper arms the last few years – WTF? These batwing triceps have got to go! We SoCal girls need to be able to wear tank tops. And yes I do work out. My arms just haven’t seemed to have received the memo!

 My Award Nominees

I would like to nominate a couple of my skirt sisters for this first set of awards:

First Kim Sisto Robinson of skirt and her own blog, My Inner Chick. Kim and I both started blogging for skirt in 2008 and immediately fell in love with each other. Every time I read her words I cry or I laugh. Sometimes both. Her writing is so beautiful, I think you will fall in love with her too. She mostly writes about her sister, Kay, who was murdered by her husband two years ago. It’s heartbreaking and honest and raw. I think she has well over 500 followers because not only is she incredibly talented, but she is a cheerleader for everyone she reads. But I’m still nominating her because she is amazing. Take the time to read her blog!

Next I would like to nominate another skirt blogger Elizabeth Cassidy. Elizabeth truly has a unique outlook on life and makes me laugh (out loud) every time I read her funny words. She is a brilliant artist and former stand-up comedian. Her blog is called My Views from the Edge and is definitely worth checking out.

Here are my questions for Kim and Elizabeth:

1. What would you do if you won the Powerball Lotto?
2. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?
3. If you could trade lives with anyone (from any period of time), who would you trade with?
4. Morning person or night owl?
5. Do you listen to music when you write or does it have to be silent?
6. What do you love most about your husband?
7. What is it about your husband that drives you absolutely insane?
8. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
9. If your life were to become a movie, who would you want to play you?
10. Your desk – messy or neat?
11. What are you reading right now?

Again, thank you so much Demetria for choosing me. It is truly an honor. And check back tomorrow when I accept Liebster Award #2 from another skirt! blogger – my bestie Tina. Her questions are kind of mean. (I would expect nothing less!) I think you’ll enjoy watching me squirm as I answer them!

How Could I Say No to an Offer Like This?

I was cruising Craig’s List for writing jobs today and I came across this:

 

Craig's List Ad - Will buy rights to your novel
Who could say no to an offer like this?!

 

 

Yeah, as a matter of fact I did write a novel. It’s really awesome too. (If I do say so myself.) It’s funny and endearing and tells a good story and I actually think it would make a really cute romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper & Matt Bomer (or maybe Ryan Reynolds).

 

I’m working on the final(ish) edits and have been stalking following agents and editors on Twitter and reading Jeff Herman’s Guide to Book Publishers, Editors, and Literary Agents, but apparently I’ve been going about it completely wrong. I can just sell the rights to this guy on Craig’s List. For (up to) $200!

 

Wow! Ten (or okay, twelve) years of hard work sold for dinner and a movie. How could anyone say no to that?