My 2016 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Reviews Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again – awards season. And time for my snarky red carpet reviews. Because if there’s one thing a 50-year-old suburbanite with a closet full of Old Navy who wore the same dress as seven other girls to her prom is qualified to do, it’s critique gorgeous Hollywood celebrities on their fashion choices.

The theme this year seemed to be plunging necklines, killer diamond necklaces, and sideswept hair. (And a little too much yellow for my taste.)

Here is how you do a plunging neckline correctly:

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Jenna Dewan Tatum looks gorgeous!

 

Kirsten Dunst shows us how to do a plunging neckline incorrectly:

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Too much boob!

 

I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction with this dress. Did Kristen hear that Jennifer Lopez wasn’t showing her boobs this year and think she’d step into that spot? Or maybe it’s just the velvet I don’t like. Maybe a nice crepe would have worked better for me.

Jaimie Alexander from Blindspot wore another plunging neckline dress that I liked:

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Love this!

I think the color is beautiful and the geometric shapes make the dress interesting without taking over.

Here are two more dresses I did not like at all.

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Nope!

The color is too close their skin tone (especially Rooney Mara’s) and I do not like all that fluff.

If you want to wear a pale color (or show off your boobs the right way), here’s the way you do it:

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va-va-voom

Katy Perry looks fabulous in this rose colored gown. It’s a little plain, but with that cleavage I don’t think anyone noticed. Plus, check out that hair, I think bumpit sales are going to skyrocket today.

(If you want to watch a funny video of Katy Perry and Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet discussing Katy’s bumpit, check this out.)

More bad choices? Here we go…

I love the bottom half of Leslie Mann’s dress, but the top? Yuck. I don’t even get it.

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What is going on with this dress?

 

And what happened with the Game of Thrones ladies? Did they get a memo to wear the ugliest dresses possible?

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Where are her arms coming from?

 

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What is that thing around her neck?

 

I love dresses that are simple and even a little bit plain, but to me Taraji P. Henson’s dress was a little too plain. (I know, picky, picky!) But I absolutely adored her earrings.

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Stunning!

And speaking of gorgeous jewelry, I must have that diamond lariat necklace on J-Lo. I also really liked her dress, so classy and beautiful.

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I did not however, love the color. (And my friend Laurel agrees.)

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Damn I have funny friends!

 

I was on the fence about Brie Larson’s dress. I think it’s pretty and liked the originality of it, but she looked uncomfortable. Kind of like she had to slouch a tad bit just to keep it on. But then again, who ever said fashion was comfortable. (When it comes to the red carpet, it’s better to look good than to feel good, right?)

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Gorgeous, but uncomfortable!

Here are some of the dresses I absolutely loved:

Amy Adams dress looks much more orange in this photo than it did on TV, but it’s gorgeous (and so is she) either way.

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One of my favorite dresses of the night.

 

Kate Winslet looked sublime.

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The definition of classic beauty.

 

I am usually not a fan of cutouts on dresses, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was beautiful. And I know that her necklace was all the rage, but it was a little too much for me. Also, I would have liked to have seen here with her hair down, in a soft, wavy style, but I still think overall she looked beautiful.

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Beautiful!

 

Show me a ball gown that is classic, looks comfortable and has pockets and I’ll give you an A+ every time!

 

Love the pockets!
Gina Rodriguez get an A+!

 

Olivia Wilde is another example of the plunging neckline done right. (And that necklace ain’t bad either!)

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One word: WOW!

And I like to save the best for last. Helen Mirren is always classy, always beautiful and always gets the red carpet right. She is not beautiful for her age. She is simply beautiful. (And I just adore this picture of her.)

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Helen Mirren is always classy and gorgeous.

As for the awards themselves… well, that’s another post for another day (or not). But as someone whose own dreams are just starting to come true, my favorite moment by far was Rachel Bloom’s acceptance speech. In case you missed it (or even if you didn’t) watch it here. I promise it will be your feel-good moment of the day.

 

Oh, and if you’re wondering what Ricky Gervais whispered to Mel Gibson, you can find that out here. (Wow! That guy’s got some big balls. And really doesn’t like Mel Gibson.)

And in a final note, even though it has nothing to do with the Golden Globes, since we are talking about fashion and icons, I wanted to mention that I was so saddened to hear about the death of David Bowie this morning. His music was a huge part of my youth. I might have worn out the grooves of my Let’s Dance album. I loved seeing photos of him and his wife Iman – such a stunning couple. Few celebrities bring me to tears when they pass, but he is certainly one of them. He will forever be missed.

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Dear David: You will forever be missed.

 

 

Photo credits: Most photos were all Getty Images lifted from Glamor magazine (thanks Laurel for sending the link) except for Taraji P. Henson, which is from here and David Bowie & Iman, which is from here.

And please, as always, let me know if you think I nailed it or totally missed the mark in the comments below.

 

My Snarky 2015 Golden Globe Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Make Them)

The Golden Globes did not go so well for me this year. In fact as I write this (while the staff at the Beverly Hilton are cleaning up the ballroom and the stars are party-hopping) I have not yet seen the awards show.

I know!

I started to watch the red carpet on E! and NBC – switching back and forth between the two while furiously taking notes, but then I got hijacked. Chandler has been struggling with a college essay all weekend and has asked me for some help editing. Apparently getting into a good school trumps Golden Globe snarkiness. (Whatever.) So I’ve been forced to set my DVR, turn off the TV, so I can help my son get into the college of his dreams so he can move out of my house and leave me forever. Ahh… motherhood.

But who needs TV when we have the internet? (That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?) I’ve done my red carpet research (between editing essay drafts) and I think I’ve got a pretty good list of what worked and what most certainly didn’t.

May I present my 2015 Golden Globe Red Carpet Review…

Let’s just get right down to it and start with the best, shall we? Selma Hayek is the most beautiful woman in the world. Period. The dress is simple and elegant. Her hair is soft and gorgeous, her make-up is subtle and the  accessories are spot-on. Love the  belt. Love the bow in her side-swept hair. Perfection.

 

 

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Stunning!

 

As opposed to Kate Mara -who admittedly maybe I’m just really pissed off at for disclosing a very huge House of Cards spoiler while on the red carpet with Kevin Spacey. (Well, it’s a huge spoiler if you’re currently binge watching season one, like some people!)  But, Kate? That belt? NO! That belt would be fine with jean, but that pretty red dress you’re wearing, I will repeat, no, no, no, No, NO!

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Ditch that belt, Kate!

 

I like Allison Williams red dress, but I don’t like her hair one bit. It’s like she can’t decide if she want to wear is soft or pull it back tight. (And you can’t see it in this photo, but her side part was too wide and horrific.)

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And speaking of bad hair… Julianna Margulies – WTF? And that dress? I’m just not sure. It’s pretty, but reminds me a bit of a Christmas table cloth. I like the top part of it a lot, but that wide hem at the bottom is just weird. It’s not hideous, but it’s not gorgeous either.

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Meh

 

Ladies, this is how it’s done. Gorgeous dress. Simple hair and make-up. Boom!

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Orange may be the new black, but Taylor Schilling looks devine in red!

And speaking of how it’s done – Matt Bomer makes me say, “Bradley who?”

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Please take me home with you.

 

Kit Harington, ditto!

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Oh yes, yes please!

 

But Clive Owen? I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but you’d definitely have to take off that jacket (and those shiny pants) before I let you in. (Velvet, really?)

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Sigh…

 

Kate Beckinsale gives the most beautiful woman in the world, Selma Hayek a run for her money. Love, love, love everything about this. Stunning!

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This look is a winner!

 

These women have obviously made a deal with the devil. Jane Fonda is 77 years only and Lily Tomlin is 75. I am not a fan of Jane’s dress and Lily (who is dressed wonderfully aged appropriately) needs to stand up straight, but there is no denying these women look fantastic!

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You ladies look fabulous!

 

Speaking of making a deal with the devil, Jennifer Lopez is 45 years old, people! 45!!! The thing is, she really needs to start dressing like it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she looks incredible. But the dress? I think it’s a bit much. I mean just because she can wear it, doesn’t necessarily mean she should wear it.

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I think this dress requires an entire roll of tape to keep it in place.

And while we’re talking about things that shouldn’t be worn. Rosamund Pike? That dress? Uh, nope.com! It looks like it’s about to fall off. And in a very uncomfortable way. It is not sexy, it’s just weird.

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Ill-fitting and weird-looking. NO!

 

And speaking of weird, I never thought I’d say this, but I actually thought Lena Dunham looked lovely in her red Zac Posen dress.

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Very tasteful and pretty

It pains me to say this because I love and adore Maggie Gyllenhaal and could actually picture her as the lead in the movie version (that is sure to be made) of my book (that will certainly one day be published), but her dress looks like something from the discount bin at David’s Bridal that she hemmed herself five minutes before her limo arrived. And she need  a necklace.

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Looks like she found out she was coming to the awards at the last minute and grabbed an old bridesmaid’s dress out of her closet.

 

And while we’re talking about people I love and adore who missed the mark. Melissa McCarthy? The bottom of your dress? A+ That bowtie and stupid blousy part at the top? F-!

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A+ bottom + F- top still = F!

 

But I think Keira Knightly definitely takes the Golden Globe for Worst Dress of The Night. (What the hell IS that? A butterfly exhibit?!)

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Sometimes there simply are no words

 

And Golden Globe for the Worst Tuxedo? What the What, Bill Murray!

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Bill Murray seems confused that he’s attending a formal event.

 

But let’s end this on a high note, shall we? Jenna Dewan-Tatum, you look elegantly stunning.

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Beautiful dress and love the hair. Simple. Elegant. Stunning!

 

What did you think of the 2015 Golden Globe Red Carpet looks? Who did I miss? Or do you think I missed the mark? I’d love to hear your comments below.

All photos stolen kindly borrowed from Mashable.

 

 

 

 

 

My 2013 Annual Snarky Emmy Remarks (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them!)

Oh yes, it’s that time again. The Emmy Awards. How I love to watch my favorite TV stars strut their stuff down the red carpet and get all glammed up so I can make fun of their poor fashion choices while I sit on my family room carpet in my tank top and pajama pants folding laundry and feeling oh so superior. You might wonder why I’m so qualified to critique haute couture. Well, I’ll tell you why. At my senior prom seven other girls were wearing my prom dress. That’s right – SEVEN! So I obviously have exceptional taste as I made the most popular choice that 1983 off-the-rack-taffeta had to offer.

But I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very snarky these past few years. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and am trying to be kinder. Or perhaps (more likely) because I feel that past couple of awards shows haven’t really had any major fashion don’ts. (Yawn.)

But last nights red carpet? Oh my… talk about a train wreck. Here we go…

First, there seemed to be a lot of actresses wearing ugly black dresses who wanted to look like old women…

Aubrey Plaza… I don’t even know where to begin. The messy pulled back school-marmish hair? The weird colorful flowers around the neckline. (Is that a necklace or an applique? I can’t tell.) Or just the plain ugliness of this dress. And can I give you just one piece of advice? Put on a bra. (Please.)

Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Speaking of 1983 and taffeta – Vera Farminga… what are you wearing? That dress is just one big nope. That belt looks like something stolen from one of the space ships in Star Wars. And that hair? Did you use Brian Setzer’s hairdresser to achieve that height?

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Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

Amanda Peet is such a beautiful woman. I saw her once at the Rose Bowl Flea Market and couldn’t stop staring. Not because she is famous, but because she is so stunning. But this? It’s like she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to dress like grandma or Madonna so chose some odd combination of both. (Or maybe she just borrowed something out of Helena Bonham Carter’s closet.) No. No. And NO!

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Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

And speaking of space ships… Heidi Klum – what the what? Did you get this from the Project Runway reject pile? I do not like that funky neck piece attached to an otherwise pretty dress. (And your hair is boring.)

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Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

There also seemed to be a big theme of cutouts on dresses. Honestly, I don’t know that I’m a fan.

Kaley Cuoco – I want to like this Vera Wang dress, but I just don’t. The top looks too bandeau-ish and the bottom just looks wrinkled. Sorry. Nope. (Your hair, however, looks gorgeous!)

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Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Cat Deeley – I have no idea who you are (and am rushing to get this posted, so have no time to look you up on IMDB), but I do not like your dress or your parted-down-the-middle-show-your-roots-super-straight hair. (I’m sure that you are a lovely person and apologize that we are first meeting like this.)

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Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

And then there was the trend of showing one’s underwear. (And I’m not talking bra straps.)

Lena Heady from Game of Thrones is one of the most beautiful actresses on TV. But this look??? The Grammy’s – yes. The Emmy’s – NO! That solid piece in the middle is just weird and it looks like she’s wearing a diaper. And the white shoes… Seriously?

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Photo by Dan Steinberg/Invision/AP

Julianne Hough – again, don’t know who you are and I hate to meet like this, so I will start with a positive. Hair: love! Dress: Hate! (I don’t even think the Grammy’s are worthy of this. And it looks really, really uncomfortable – like it’s going to fall off any second.)

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Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

All this negativity is making me a bit cranky. I think I’ll move on to what I really loved…

Claire Danes – your dress was stunning.

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Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Carrie Underwood – now here is a girl who knows how to wear taffeta! (Yeah, I know it’s a little prom dressy – but I like it.)

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Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

Anna Gunn – I think this dress is my favorite. Love, Love, LOVE! And he hair and earrings also fabulous.

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Jason Merritt/Entertainment/Getty Images

I loved Julianna Margulies’s dress. You can’t see it in this photo, but it had a very sexy slit in the front. But I have to be honest, when she was presenting on stage it looked like it could fall off at any second. There were a lot of strapless dresses last night and I think truckloads of wardrobe tape were shipped to Hollywood last week.

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Photo credit: Getty Images via Huffington Post

Maria Menounos looked stunning. Gorgeous hair, gorgeous necklace and I love the color of this gorgeous dress. (But I should say that she’d better be careful – she has an amazing figure, but you can see a tiny outline of her stomach and in Hollywood, if your stomach isn’t anorexically concave, you are obviously pregnant.)

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Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

Julia Louis Dreyfus looked stunning in understated elegance. And her acceptance speech – hilarious!

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Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

This. Is how you do a cutout. I thought Carla Gugino’s dress. Very sexy, but at the same time very simple. (In case you couldn’t tell – I like simple.)

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Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

And finally.. Jane Lynch – classic… elegant… and simply stunning. Love the hair, love the necklace and the suit? FABULOUS!

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Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

What did you think about the Emmy’s fashion this year? Do you agree with me? (Of course you do!) Disagree? (You’re wrong – I’m right!) I’d love to hear your thoughts.

(And a special thank you to www.hollywoodlife.com for the fabulous red carpet coverage and photos.)