My 2013 Annual Snarky Emmy Remarks (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them!)

Oh yes, it’s that time again. The Emmy Awards. How I love to watch my favorite TV stars strut their stuff down the red carpet and get all glammed up so I can make fun of their poor fashion choices while I sit on my family room carpet in my tank top and pajama pants folding laundry and feeling oh so superior. You might wonder why I’m so qualified to critique haute couture. Well, I’ll tell you why. At my senior prom seven other girls were wearing my prom dress. That’s right – SEVEN! So I obviously have exceptional taste as I made the most popular choice that 1983 off-the-rack-taffeta had to offer.

But I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very snarky these past few years. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and am trying to be kinder. Or perhaps (more likely) because I feel that past couple of awards shows haven’t really had any major fashion don’ts. (Yawn.)

But last nights red carpet? Oh my… talk about a train wreck. Here we go…

First, there seemed to be a lot of actresses wearing ugly black dresses who wanted to look like old women…

Aubrey Plaza… I don’t even know where to begin. The messy pulled back school-marmish hair? The weird colorful flowers around the neckline. (Is that a necklace or an applique? I can’t tell.) Or just the plain ugliness of this dress. And can I give you just one piece of advice? Put on a bra. (Please.)

Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Speaking of 1983 and taffeta – Vera Farminga… what are you wearing? That dress is just one big nope. That belt looks like something stolen from one of the space ships in Star Wars. And that hair? Did you use Brian Setzer’s hairdresser to achieve that height?

emmy-awards-2013-vera-farmiga
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

Amanda Peet is such a beautiful woman. I saw her once at the Rose Bowl Flea Market and couldn’t stop staring. Not because she is famous, but because she is so stunning. But this? It’s like she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to dress like grandma or Madonna so chose some odd combination of both. (Or maybe she just borrowed something out of Helena Bonham Carter’s closet.) No. No. And NO!

emmy-awards-2013-amanda-peet
Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

And speaking of space ships… Heidi Klum – what the what? Did you get this from the Project Runway reject pile? I do not like that funky neck piece attached to an otherwise pretty dress. (And your hair is boring.)

emmy-awards-2013-heidi-klum-
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

There also seemed to be a big theme of cutouts on dresses. Honestly, I don’t know that I’m a fan.

Kaley Cuoco – I want to like this Vera Wang dress, but I just don’t. The top looks too bandeau-ish and the bottom just looks wrinkled. Sorry. Nope. (Your hair, however, looks gorgeous!)

emmy-awards-2013-kaley-cuoco
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Cat Deeley – I have no idea who you are (and am rushing to get this posted, so have no time to look you up on IMDB), but I do not like your dress or your parted-down-the-middle-show-your-roots-super-straight hair. (I’m sure that you are a lovely person and apologize that we are first meeting like this.)

emmy-awards-2013-cat-deeley
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

And then there was the trend of showing one’s underwear. (And I’m not talking bra straps.)

Lena Heady from Game of Thrones is one of the most beautiful actresses on TV. But this look??? The Grammy’s – yes. The Emmy’s – NO! That solid piece in the middle is just weird and it looks like she’s wearing a diaper. And the white shoes… Seriously?

emmy-awards-2013-lena-headey
Photo by Dan Steinberg/Invision/AP

Julianne Hough – again, don’t know who you are and I hate to meet like this, so I will start with a positive. Hair: love! Dress: Hate! (I don’t even think the Grammy’s are worthy of this. And it looks really, really uncomfortable – like it’s going to fall off any second.)

emmy-awards-2013.julianne-hough-
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

All this negativity is making me a bit cranky. I think I’ll move on to what I really loved…

Claire Danes – your dress was stunning.

emmys.2013.claire-danes
Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Carrie Underwood – now here is a girl who knows how to wear taffeta! (Yeah, I know it’s a little prom dressy – but I like it.)

Emmys.2013.Carrie Underwood
Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

Anna Gunn – I think this dress is my favorite. Love, Love, LOVE! And he hair and earrings also fabulous.

emmy-awards-20131-anna-gunn-
Jason Merritt/Entertainment/Getty Images

I loved Julianna Margulies’s dress. You can’t see it in this photo, but it had a very sexy slit in the front. But I have to be honest, when she was presenting on stage it looked like it could fall off at any second. There were a lot of strapless dresses last night and I think truckloads of wardrobe tape were shipped to Hollywood last week.

emmys-2013-julianna-margulies
Photo credit: Getty Images via Huffington Post

Maria Menounos looked stunning. Gorgeous hair, gorgeous necklace and I love the color of this gorgeous dress. (But I should say that she’d better be careful – she has an amazing figure, but you can see a tiny outline of her stomach and in Hollywood, if your stomach isn’t anorexically concave, you are obviously pregnant.)

emmy-awards-2013-maria-menounos-65th-primetime
Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

Julia Louis Dreyfus looked stunning in understated elegance. And her acceptance speech – hilarious!

emmy-awards-2013-julia-louis-dreyfus-
Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images

This. Is how you do a cutout. I thought Carla Gugino’s dress. Very sexy, but at the same time very simple. (In case you couldn’t tell – I like simple.)

emmy-awards-2013-carla-gugino
Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

And finally.. Jane Lynch – classic… elegant… and simply stunning. Love the hair, love the necklace and the suit? FABULOUS!

emmy-awards-2013-jane-lynch
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

What did you think about the Emmy’s fashion this year? Do you agree with me? (Of course you do!) Disagree? (You’re wrong – I’m right!) I’d love to hear your thoughts.

(And a special thank you to www.hollywoodlife.com for the fabulous red carpet coverage and photos.)

10 thoughts on “My 2013 Annual Snarky Emmy Remarks (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them!)

  1. I would disagree about Kaley Cuoco – loved it. Claire Danes – Pretty dress. Who fit it. Needs some tailoring. Carrie Underwood – to Prom Dressy. and you missed Sophia Vergara – amazing as always.

    • Hmm… thank you Susan! Yes, Claire Danes might have been fitted better (but when people don’t eat, nothing fits!) And yes, Sophia Vergara was stunning as always. Almost put her in. (I will say though, I am not a fan of her hair being almost blonde – I like it better dark!)

  2. thank Gaaaawd for you, Charlene! I went to bed way early and missed most of the show. One of the things I thought about during the 412 times I woke up during the night was a wonder if you would faithfully post. whew! I do have a gal-crush on Jullienne Hough so I might have to take you down next time we meet 🙂 It’s the MOST wonderful time of the year …. when I read this! xoxo

  3. I watched from beginning to end…Was the date changed or the invitation list put together too late? Somehow the whole show seemed to parallel the rest of the world…are we serious or not? Should we brush our hair or not? Do we need a new dress or can we get away with one donated from granny? Should we do a musical number or not? Should we emulate the Tony’s or the Academy Award’s or the MTV / VMA’s or not? Why did Neil Patrick Harris host? His comedic timing/writing seemed uncomfortable at best…I am glad they added the dancing award…after all there are quite a few dance shows on TV… Love your fashion take…You are right! Then today in the LA Times there was an article where the guy in China who bought AMC last year declared that his studio (and theme park featuring a yacht club and wax museum) in China will basically own Hollywood by 2023. Should be fun to see the Chinese Emmy’s no?

  4. I agree w/ most of your picks, except I REALLY want and like Kaley Cuoco’s gown!!!!

    LOooooooooove Anna Gunn’s gown.

    As always, I look forward to your Sassy SNARKS))) Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx KISSes

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