My Snarky 2020 Golden Globe Review

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again. The Golden Globe Awards! And this time I was actually ready! For whatever reason the last few years the awards have caught me off-guard or I’ve been out of town while they were, but last night I was ready.

Also it seems that the last few years people have been dressing really well and there wasn’t much to snark about. Well, the terrible stylists (and terrible dresses) are back, making yesterday’s red carpet watching a true delight! Thank you, my dearly beloved Hollywood elite for making my job so very easy this year.

I even got input from my writing group as the texts were flying in (ping, ping, ping!) during the ceremony. So, without further adieu, here is my 2020 Golden Globe snarky red carpet review…

Dakota Fanning

Marley: The only good thing about this dress is the color. Otherwise it’s absolutely horrible.

Me: I disagree. The whole thing is horrible. While the color is pretty, it washes her out completely. It looks like she found it at a thrift store in the 1978 prom section.

My friend Lexi: She took a wrong turn for her job at Disneyland.

Cate Blanchett

Marley: With those wack shoulder things she looks like she’s trying to fly away from this ugly dress.

Me: Marley is spot-on (and also hilarious!). The bodice looks like some sort of sparkly bondage top and that pleated yellow crepe is again looking very late-seventies. This dress is a hella-no!

Charlize Theron

Marley: This looks like they ran out of time when trying to dress her so they threw some fabric on her and let her go.

My friend Lexi: Charlize can pull off anything, but the color looks like she crashed into a highlighter.

Me: First, let’s all agree that Charlize looks stunning. Her hair and make-up is gorgeous. But this dress confuses me. I actually like the color, but it’s just. Weird.

Giuliana Rancic

Marley: Her dress looks like it doesn’t even fit her body and the clutch looks like she stole it from somebody whose dress actually matches it.

Me: I actually think the dress is very pretty, but her hair is horrific. The color does not match her skin tone at all. On the red carpet it looked like straw. And I am not into body shaming (because trust me, my body is about as far from perfect as they come), but that girl really needs to eat a sandwich.

Jennifer Lopez

Marley: Her dress looks like it was made out of left over tissue paper from Christmas.

Me: J-Lo, this is a J-No! Jennifer, be 50 & Fabulous, not 50 & I-don’t-even-know-what-this-is. But that necklace? OMG – I MUST have it!

Olivia Colman

Marley: What’s wrong with normal sleeves? Why did we decide to stop putting them in dresses?

Me: When it comes to acting Olivia Colman can do no wrong. She is the new (British) Meryl Streep. But when it comes to dressing she can seemingly do no right. (It’s okay, Olivia, Meryl is also a disaster most of the time when it comes to fashion.) Also, Marley is right, what’s was with the horrible sleeve trend last night?

Jodie Comer

Marley: Whose tablecloth did she steal?

Me: Again with the sleeves. Also, why??? It looks like a sad, satin sack.

Joey King

Marley: I want to like this dress, but everything in me is telling me I need to hate it. Who would choose that pattern, and why?

Me: I agree with Marley. I want to like this dress. It looks like a cool piece of modern art. But also, if I were one of the people that got seizures from strobe lights, I think this dress would put me in a similar state. I want to (want to) say yes, but for me, it’s a no.

Kaitlyn Dever

Marley: Didn’t we learn to leave couch patterns behind after Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala look?

Me: First I want to say that I think Kaitlyn looks adorable. (Also, if you have not seen Booksmart, you must. It is spectacular.) And again, I want to like this dress, but it looks like an adult coloring book with not enough colored pencil choices. And also. Again. Those sleeves.

Kerry Washington

Marley: It has potential, but it’s horrible. The idea is there but the execution looks like something from episode one of Project Runway where the designers still have no clue what they’re doing.

Me: It looks like she got confused and thought her belt was her shirt. I was feeling sort of old for hating this, because I know this is supposed to be edgy and provocative, but since Marley and my writing group hated the look as well (my friend Lexi: Where is Kerry Washington’s shirt?), I feel vindicated. I am not old, I am right. This look is not good.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Marley: This looks like she took inspiration from slave Leia but decided she needed to cover up more so she threw some tulle over it to make it more palatable. I bet we’ll see this on Goop in a few months for ten thousand dollars.

Me: To me this looks like she threw a sheer lingerie robe over a bathing suit. If sheer lingerie robes came with too many frills in puke brown.

Lucy Boynton

Marley: Was her inspiration Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz? I don’t understand that wack lace thing on her chest? I am so confused.

Me: Last year Lucy wore ugly gold lame to the Golden Globes. It was also horrible, but this tinfoil-space-meets-Little-House-on-the-Prairie creation is worse. And that makeup! Was is with all the black and silver shit all over her eyes?

Taylor Swift

Marley: I think the dress shape and overall construction is good, but that pattern is horrible.

Me: I agree. If this dress was black or red or any solid color, it would be gorgeous. But that pattern, while it would be cute on a sundress, makes it a big no.

My friend Lexi: OMG – who shot the sofa?

Alright, enough already. My eyes are starting to bleed. Believe it or not, there were some gorgeous, gorgeous looks last night. (Though they are not nearly as fun!) Here are some of them.

Nicole Kidman

Marley: It’s pretty, but nothing special

Me: Marley is wrong! I think this dress is stunning. Nicole is often on my worst dressed list, but she’s been upping her style game lately. An enthusiastic thumbs up.

Zoey Deutch

Marley: I mean… I guess? I feel like they can do better next time. I just hate these sleeves. Bring back normal sleeves.

Me: I love it! Even the yellow (which is a tricky color and this one is a tad on the mustard side, but I’ll let it pass). I love the plunge, which is deep, but still not too revealing, the shape and even the sleeves. And that necklace? Perfection.

Tiffany Haddish

Marley: This is a really simple dress, which is seemingly rare on this red carpet. I almost wish it had a little more but that would probably ruin it.

Me: Simply beautiful. I love the pink.

Saoirse Ronan

Marley: It’s simple, beautiful, and looks amazing on her and her body.

Me: Agree. Stunning. She wore a perfect dress last year and has done it again.

Kate McKinnon

Marley: Kate is perfect, therefore this is perfect. That’s all.

Me: What Marley said.

Helen Mirren

Marley: Not only is that a beautiful color, but it looks amazing on her and fits her great.

Me: I say it every year. I want to look (and dress) like Helen Mirren when I grow up. She is the epitome of beauty, class, and style.

Rachel Brosnahan

Me: One of my favorite looks of the night. Love the color and the cut and everything about it. Stunning.

Cynthia Erivo

Marley: It’s classy and it looks great on her.

Me: Agree. I love the style. It’s like a blingy tuxedo dress. and I love her hair. Win!

Laura Dern

Me: I love this flowy style. This pattern works for me and I think Laura looks gorgeous.

Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie

Marley: I know it’s the style, but it just looks like she’s wearing the shorts I used to have to wear under my skirt in lacrosse.

Me: While I agree that I don’t love the see-through with the short black skirt aspect of the dress, I think overall the dress is so pretty. I love the color and the style and the beading, so I’ll let it slide. Also, Leslie and Kit definitely win the cute couple award.

Okay, look. There are so many more that I don’t have time to get to. As always I should have done most of this last night. But I was tired and left the bulk of the work for the morning. And I have a job that I am already late to, so I don’t have time to talk about Reece Witherspoon’s okay dress and horrible hair or the awful color of Sandra Bullocks dress. But I will be nice and give you one piece of eye candy, as I know y’all look forward to at the end of this post.

Andrew Scott

Me: I dig the color of the gold color of the tie and jacket. Makes it look much less waiter-ish. Plus, if you have not seen Fleabag, drop everything immediately and binge it now. It is full of sad, messy, crazy people. The writing is brilliant and it is funny AF.

That is my review for the year. I hope it made you laugh. And remember, I am making fun of the clothing and style choices, not the people themselves (mostly).

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what we posted and what we missed.

Photos borrowed from here, here, here and here.

My 2016 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them

Yes it’s that time of year again. Awards season has come to an end with its biggest night of the year – the 2016 Academy Awards – and I’m here to give my ever-so-valued opinion on the best and worst red carpet looks. That’s right, I watch and take notes about the good, the bad and the ugly as I sit eating stuffed crust pizza in my Costco workout clothes about Hollywood’s biggest night of the year.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I could have at least worn my Lululemon. I mean, it’s the Oscars, dress up a little, right? But I only have one Lululemon and it was in the wash.

And why am I qualified to do this you ask (again)? I’ve already told you, I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my high school prom. This obviously means I have excellent taste. So read on about my red carpet takes and if you’re lucky I’ll add my prom picture at the end. (If you’re lucky.)

I’ve mentioned before that as I get older (and damn am I getting older) I really don’t like to be as snarky. I don’t like make fun of people. So I would like you all to know that I’m not making fun of the people. Just their clothes. (Well, mostly.)

Plus it’s hard not to be snarky when Heidi Klum shows up in this:

heidi-klum-2016-academy-awrds-red-carpet
This dress = hideous

 

Seriously, WTF is she wearing. Heidi Klum has become the Cher of the  new millenium. (Old people like me will understand that reference.) She seems to be on my worst-dressed list for every red carpet event. If I was a contestant on Project Runway and got booted off, I might not feel so bad.

This makes me sad because Kate Winslett always makes my best-dressed list, but I gotta call ’em as I see ’em and I see this dress as a disaster. What exactly is it made of? Rubber or something shiny or both? I think her hair and make-up look beautiful, but that dress? No! (BTW, my friend Laurel said she thought her hair looked stringy, and I admit it kind of did at the end of the night, but as someone who never leaves an event looking quite as fresh as when I arrived there, I’ll forgive her for that.)

Kate-Winslet-2016-oscar-red-carpet
Kate Winslet making her first time appearance on my worst dressed list. (I still love you Kate!)

I don’t know who Lily Cole is (an IMDB search shows that she’s been in a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen), her dress, from the pointy triangles at the top to the awful fabric and overall poufiness has got to go. (Plus her shoes are gold and her dress is silver – NO!)

lily-cole-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet
This looks like a couture space suit disaster.

 

Rooney Mara looks kind of pissed off in this picture. Maybe her head hurts because her hair’s pulled back too tight. Or maybe she realized what she was wearing is heinous. Seriously, what is she wearing?

The only word I have for this dress is no!
The only word I have for this dress is no!

As I mentioned above, I’m getting older. We all are. And as hard as it is for everyone, it’s even harder for the women of Hollywood. I get that. So I will forgive Kate Capshaw for the work she has obviously had on her face. Hey, I’m not a rich woman. Plastic surgery will never be an option for me, so who am I to judge. But Kate has always been one of my hair idols. That’s right, I’ve always idolized her fabulous hair. But this stupid too-short-buster-brown-bangs and stripey-blond do? No! That I will not forgive. Plus she wore a tux. Why, Kate, why?

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards red carpet
Sorry Kate, you’re better than that!

Need a closer look. (You don’t but I’m going to give it to you anyway.)

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards
Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.

 

As for dresses I’m on the fence about. First, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t hate it, but I certainly don’t love it. What’s your opinon? I just don’t know.

Yay or nay?
Yay or nay?

 

And I really love the top 9/10s of Alicia Vikander’s dress. But that balloony bottom has got to go.

9/10 yay + 1/10 nay = ???
9/10 yay + 1/10 nay = ???

It has occured to me that I rarely talk about men’s walk down the red carpet. That’s probably because for the most part there’s not much to eff up and the men look great (assholes). Well, this year was a little different…

Jared Leto. No! We already know you’re a rockstar and kind of a weird dude, but still. This is a no! I mean you are incredibly hot (and forever Jordan Catalano in my heart) and I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but I might kick you out for wearing this. Who am I kidding? Of course I wouldn’t. (I would, however, make you take it off first.)

jared-leto-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet
Jared, I love you, but take that off! (Please!)

Look at Dave Grohl, he’s a rockstar and he looks great!

Dave Grohl and Jordyn Blum 2016 academy awards red carpet
Dave Grohl and his wife Jordyn Blum look fabulous!

 

Dev Patel forgot to wash his hair. And shave. Clean it up Dev, you’re at the Oscars for godsake!

Dev patel 2016 oscars red carpet
Dev Patel in his best, “I woke up looking like this” look. Uh, yeah. We can tell.

 

And what was with all the velvet last night? Too many men were wearing velvet. I have to tell you, I’m not a fan.

Eddie Redmayne 2016 oscars red carpet
Love Eddie Redmayne, do not love the velvet.

Alright already, enough with the negativity and snark. (Even though I know that’s what you’re all here for.) Let me tell you what I did like, because most of the dresses were just breathtaking.

I would have prefered to have seen Jennifer Garner’s hair down, but I still think she looked stunning. I think the inspiration for her dress was “take that Ben Affleck.”

Jennifer Garner 2016 academy awards red carpet
Take that Ben Affleck!

 

I thought Julianne Moore looked classy and gorgeous, as always.

 

Beautiful!
Beautiful!

 

A lot of the fashion blogs said that Cate Blanchett looked like a mermaid, but I’m not a fashion blogger. I’m an Old Navy-wearing suburbanite. I think her dress is beautiful.

So pretty!
So pretty!

 

Best Actress nominee Saoirse Ronan is the vision of beauty in this Calvin Klein dress. I love the pattern and the shimmer and her hair and makeup are sublime.

saoirse-ronan

 

Best Actress winner Brie Larson looks amazing. I especially love the top of this dress. Her hair and makeup are simple, yet gorgeous.

Brie Larson

 

Naomi Watts has made my worst dressed list in the past, but this year? OMG, OMG, OMG! Her dress is amazing. I think it’s my favorite. Everything about it (I absolutely love the color gradation) is absolutely 100% gorgeous! Oh, and that necklace? I want it!

Naomi Watts wins Best Dressed
Naomi Watts wins Best Dressed

But I do have to say as far as the WOW factor goes. As in wowzee-wow-wow-wow, Charlize Theron stole the show. (And I want that necklace too!)

One word: WOW!
One word: WOW!

My sister told me I had to post a photo of the most beautiful man in the world, but I told her Bradley Cooper wasn’t there. She said that she meant Tom Hardy. I could only find a photo of him with his wife, Charlotte Riley, who unfortunately for my sister, looks absolutely stunning. (Sorry sis!)

This one's for you, Sis!
This one’s for you, Sis!

I’d love to talk about what went on inside the awards, but my word count is ridiculously high, so I will just mention Lady Gaga’s performance which left me with tears streaming down my face. It was so powerful and so moving. If you have not seen The Hunting Ground, I suggest you do. It’s an important film that everyone needs to see. Especially if you have a child in college or that one day will be going to college. Click here to find out how to watch the film and click here to bawl your eyes out watching Lady Gaga sing the Oscar nominated song Til It Happens to You.

Wow, that got serious all of a sudden, didn’t it? Sorry, that was just something too important to breeze by, but I’ll end this post on an up note (at my expense) with that prom picture I promised you. I couldn’t find the one with me and my date, but here is one of me and my friend Kellie.

 

This is how it was done in 1983!
This is how it was done in 1983!

 

OMG – that hair! That taffeta! Go ahead and snark away. I totally deserve it!

Photo credits: Most of my photos were taken from here, some were from here, and the close-up of Kate Capshaw and Steven Speilberg is from here.

My Snarky Oscar Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them): 2014

I have to be honest… this year’s snarky Oscar post… it’s a little uninspired. Dave and I never go to the movies anymore so I saw very few of the movies nominated. Thanks to a friend we were able to catch Gravity and American Hustle via screeners (well, I mostly slept through American Hustle – I know my boyfriend Bradley Cooper is in that movie- I get up at 5AM, what can I say?), but we didn’t see anything else. It’s hard to root for movies you haven’t seen.

Also, everyone looked really lovely last night. It’s hard to snark when everyone looks great.

Plus, if I’m honest, I’ll tell you that the older I get (sigh, I hate saying that), I really don’t like to be mean. How about if I just show you some pretty pictures I stole borrowed off the internet instead and hope for some blog traffic via Pinterest and call it a day this time? You’ll forgive me won’t you?

Okay, I’ll tell you what, I will start with just a little bit of snark.

This is what happens when you invite Olympic ice skaters to the Oscars. Tara Lipinski shows up in a wedding gown and Johnny Weir dresses like a fancy butler.

tara-lipinski-johnny-weir

Angelina Jolie – really? I miss your leg. That dress is pretty, but honestly a bit matron-y, a little mother-of-the bride even – you could have waited 20 years to wear it. And Brad Pitt? That hair? Uh.. no!

brad-pitt-angelina-jolie

And speaking of hair – Jared Leto. You are so pretty, Jared, but would be even more beautiful if you had the Jordan Catalano haircut going again. I know you are a rock star and an arteest and really don’t care about such things, but your lady fans would really appreciate it and you want to please your fans, don’t you Jared? But I will say, your acceptance speech – one of the best I’ve ever heard. So gracious and lovely. I can’t think of anything that would have made a more beautiful speech. (Except maybe a haircut.)

jared-leto

Pharrell Williams – I suppose you can get away with this, because you’re a musician and might not know any better. But your wife might have wanted to dress up a bit more. (Oh – BTW, your performance? Loved it!)

pharrell-williams-helen-lasichanh

I loved Amy Adams’ dress but I did not like her hair. It would have been so much prettier if she’d worn it down, all wavy and Veronica Lake-like. But I forgive her because of the threat of rain. Perhaps she’s like me and her hair gets all limp and frizzy at the slightest hint of moisture in the air.

amy-adams - Copy

Charlize Theron – thee most stunning and breathtaking dress of the night. WOW! And that necklace, spectacular. Move over Jessica Rabbit (and Angelina Jolie), Charlize has just out va-va-voomed you.

charlize-theron

Giuliana Rancic – that dress is so pretty. Like a princess. And the umbrella is a fabulous accessory.

giuliana-rancic

I love the soft light blue of  Best Supporting Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o’s dress. And that diamond headband – gorgeous! Lupita may be new to the Hollywood scene, but she certainly found the right stylist. This girl can work the red carpet for sure!

lupita-nyong

Jennifer Lawrence looks fabulous once again. Peplum was a big runway trend and her red peplum dress was a stunner. Her make-up was pretty and I liked the swept-back hair. And that necklace worn kind of backwards? I must have it!

jennifer-lawrence

I loved Jennifer Garner’s fringe-y flapper-style dress. That’s how you have some fun on the red carpet. And Amy Adams – please take notes on Jennifer’s hair. Her side-swept loose waves are perfect.

jennifer-garner

Sandra Bullock looked stunning in this navy blue strapless dress. (And again, I love the side-swept hair!)

sandra-bullock

Best Actress Oscar winner Cate Blanchett also looked very pretty. This dress might have washed her out a little bit, but overall I think it was very pretty. And those earrings? Add them to my shopping cart with Jennifer Lawrence’s necklace.

cate-blanchett

Jenna Dewan-Tatum – I don’t know who you are. I’m guessing you are married to Channing Tatum? (Lucky girl!) Your big ol’ mess of diamonds that turns into a big ol’ mess of feathers? I kind of like it.

jenna-dewan-tatum

Bette Midler – this dress is simply stunning. And your Wind Beneath My Wings performance was sublime. I love and adore you.

bette-midler - Copy

And to end my un-snarky snark here’s some eye candy for you. You’re welcome.

bradley-cooper

And remember Bradley – even though I slept through most of your performance (my fault – not yours!) and didn’t see Jared’s, I hear you didn’t stand a chance against him, so please don’t feel badly for losing the Best Supporting Actor category. But just in case you do, remember, I’m always here to comfort you.

Photo credit: All photos Getty Images  borrowed from here. (Thank you NY Daily News!)