Apparently the Emmy’s were on last night. I had no idea. Which is sad because at least 5 people rely on me to write this report every year. And I love the Emmy’s. We watch a lot of TV and last year we really watched a lot of TV. Plus, the last few years it seems I’ve been traveling and my friends have taken over this post and this time I was actually home for once.
But I’ve got a lot going on. I recently received a promotion at work (yay), but my replacement hasn’t started yet, so I basically have two jobs, and I’ve launched a new program which is awesome, but also all-encompassing and overwhelming. Yesterday I spent five hours bringing my email inbox from 205 to 9. Then I did all my Sunday errands – laundry, Trader Joe’s, Costco, getting gas, returning a library book – Friends, I was hella productive.
But the Emmy’s? Not on my radar. Not only am I distracted by work, I’m also distracted by life. Because, like I said, I’ve got a lot going on. My niece has cancer. And not just your run-of-the-mill-we’ll-zap-that-with-some-chemo-your-hair-will-fall-out-but-then-you’ll-have-a-pretty-good-chance-of-being-fine type of cancer. She’s got an extremely rare holy-shit-what-the-fuck-do-we-do-and-how-in-the-world-do-we-treat-this type of cancer. So my family’s dealing with that.
I’m sorry for telling you that. Because this post is supposed to be funny and help you escape by looking at shiny and ridiculous things. And I truly believe that laughter is the best medicine. But sometimes that’s a struggle. Even for me. (Though, I will tell you, yesterday a family text chain turned into a selfie text chain that was hilarious. And my niece can rock a scrunchie from a hospital bed, let me tell you.)
But also. I don’t like to disappoint. So here is my favorite dress.
Here are dresses that are dumb.
And so there you have it. My I-didn’t-watch-the-Emmy’s-and-don’t-really-care Red Carpet Review.
Oh, and also. May I ask a favor? Would you mind looking at my niece Amanda’s GoFundMe? I know. GoFundMes drive me crazy too. I never thought I’d have to write one. It made me itchy and uncomfortable and downright depressed. And it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to ask. But, I’d do anything for my brother and his daughter needs help. And I would be so grateful.
Plus, look at her. This girl knows how to rock a dress.
Every few years the Emmy’s are on a Monday. I’m sure it has something to do with football. I’m just going to go on record as saying I don’t like it.
Marley wins the trooper award because she worked until 11:00 last night and I woke up to an email (sent at 12:26 AM) with Marley’s Emmy comments.
So without any further adieu, here is Marley and Charlene’s 2018 Emmy Red Carpet Review:
Tracee Ellis Ross
Marley: She looks like she raided some 8 year old girls bedroom and took her comforter and wore it as a dress. The material looks so cheap. Yikes.
Charlene: I really don’t even know what to say. Who looks at that dress and says, “Yeah, that’s the one!” Well, I guess the answer is Tracee Ellis Ross, buy whyyyy???
Marley: Usually she dresses hella ugly but honestly this is a great color and a nice and classy dress.
Charlene: Heidi Klum is almost always on my worst-dressed list so I thought it was only fair to show her in a dress that’s not terrible. I don’t love it, but it’s pretty and she looks gorgeous.
Marley: I mean, he isn’t dressed special but is still a very cute man.
Charlene: I think he’s wearing a nice suit with a very nice cut and is indeed a very cute man.
Evan Rachel Wood
Marley: She looks frickin stunning, best dressed by far. Honestly that dress is perfect.
Charlene: I do love the beautiful simplicity of this dress. Stunning.
Marley: I mean… wow. That for sure is a look. Kinda looks like a thanksgiving table runner turned couture.
Charlene: I actually think this dress is really pretty. It seems odd that I would like an orange evening gown, but I even like the color.
Jonathan Van Ness
Marley: That sure is, uhhh something. The under shirt is really a look that I don’t think we need more of.
Charlene: Agree. I don’t even think I want to see someone I want to see without a shirt in that gawd awful see-through shirt. No thank you very much.
Marley: She kinda looks like a fancy school teacher
Charlene: Yeah, I want to like this dress, but it’s just too casual for me.
Marley: IDK why she thought that was a good idea. She looks so uncomfortable. Also, boob contour was NOT blended. Im offended.
Charlene: Yeah, not a fan of this dress. And even more so, what I’m really not a fan of was the trend last night of the women having their hair pulled back with that middle part and severe makeup. Do not like!
Marley: She can do no wrong. She is perfect.
Charlene: 100% agree. This was one of my favorite dresses of the night. It is gorgeous.
Marley: Yikes. It was like half cute but the top was just done so badly.
Charlene: Yeah, I have to agree with Marley. I can’t say exactly what I don’t love about this dress – it’s not ugly, it just doesn’t work for me. And there’s that hairstyle again. It’s like all they hair stylists in Hollywood got lazy.
Marley: How many birds did she have to murder to make this dress?
Charlene: I actually love this dress, which is odd as the whole asymetrical-part-of-your-dress-is-missing thing doesn’t usually work for me, but somehow this dress does work and I think Keri looks hot. Also, this shade of yellow is on the green side and not good.
Marley: This is what happens when highlighters come to life and attack.
Charlene: Damn, I love Regina King, but I do not love this dress. That circle thing in the front looks like a mini version of those sunshields you pop up and put in your car window to keep it from getting too hot. Like someone just unrolled one of those things and popped it in the front of her dress.
Marley: She must be on the run from the cops because she had to of stolen that material from somebody’s curtain rod.
Charlene: I think she looks beautiful and I loved the dress when I saw it on TV, but that ride in the limo did make her a little wrinkley. Also, this shade of yellow is too mustardy for my taste.
Marley: I approve of this highly.
Charlene: Me too.
Marley: I mean, I love a good pantsuit but wow that isn’t a good pantsuit.
Charlene: I kind of want to hate it because it sort of looks like a Care Bear vomited on a suit, but for Leslie it kind of works. (What do you think?)
And here are a few that Marley missed (plus she didn’t pick nearly enough men!):
Amy Sedaris is funny AF, but that doesn’t mean she has to dress funny. This dress is a nope.com for me. Also, I would have tripped on the laces of those shoes.
Connie Britton looks gorgeous and I want to like this dress, but honestly it looks like a longer version of a dress I could have gotten from White House Black Market when they were featuring a teal line.
This looks like a puffy sleeved prom dress from the 80’s. And not a pretty one. But, it was better than the horrific one she wore on TV.
Now this is how you wear yellow. Gorgeous shade and gorgeous dress.
Last year I wasn’t sure about Jessica Biel’s dress. This year I am sure, and I love it! She looks fab.
This dress is stunning. Simplicity at its finest. I don’t even mind her (almost) center-part pulled back hair. The dress is gorgeous and so is she.
And now for some men…
He looks like a gay pirate who came across a Harry Potter cape and some horse riding boots. But he looks like a smokin’ hot gay pirate who came across a Harry Potter cape and some horse riding boots, so I’ll allow it.
Milo looks like a waiter. A hot waiter. And yet, I still cannot allow it.
Jimmy O. Yang
Jimmy looks very dapper in his burgundy suit. I dig the cut and the color and give him a big thumbs up.
Speaking of dapper, could John Legend look any finer? (Hint: the answer is no.)
I’m inclined to say that Justin Hartley’s sleeves are too short – but look at him. Who cares!
And that my friends, wraps up this year’s Emmy’s Red Carpet Review. (Or as Marley likes to call it – Emmy’s Red Carpet Roast.)
We’d love to hear your comments. Any looks we missed? Anything you disagree with? We’d love to know!
Okay, so I have to confess. I didn’t know the Emmy’s were on last night. It’s not that I forgot or that it slipped my mind. It just wasn’t on my radar. At all.
Sorry, but I’m very busy. Friday night I went see Hall and Oates/Tears for Fears in concert. Yes, it was awesome and you should be very (very) jealous.
Saturday morning I went to a 9AM yogaish/boot campish class at Malibu Winery. This guy was my instructor.
Again, it’s okay if you’re a little jealous.
Saturday afternoon I got a much needed haircut and root touch up. Not that I’m mostly likely 100% gray or anything. (No need to be jealous about that.)
Saturday night Marley and I went to the Green Day concert at the Rose Bowl. You should be most jealous about that, because Oh. My. God. They were amazing. And Marley got us the total hook up when she snapchatted that she was there and a friend saw her post and messaged her that her brother was working the show and he hooked us up with floor passes. And if you’re wondering if being on the floor is really a lot better than being in the shit seats (almost) all the way at the top, the answer is YES!
And then Sunday, I completed the fabulousness by doing laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning my room. (#livingthedream) Also, I saw my mom and step-dad who just got home from a three month vacation. That, of course, was so nice.
See. I’ve been busy.
So at 8:15 on Sunday evening when we had just sat down to watch our DVR’d America’s Got Talent semi-finals and I envisioned myself falling asleep on the couch 30 minutes later, Marley got a text from my friend Laurel asking if she could babysit later in the week and was she going to be snarking on the Emmy’s with me tonight.
We missed the Red Carpet! We missed the beginning of the show. And I was so tired. I came this close to saying, “Screw it,” and just not doing it this year. But we do this for you, not for us, so we decided to rally. Marley sat next to me on the couch while we simultaneously watched the show and scanned the internet for Red Carpet pictures.
So I present to you our (Unplanned-Oh-Shit-Totally-Last-Minute) 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review:
Marley: No. It looks like she’s wearing a diaper, the way that thing V’s and it looks like the designer didn’t have enough of the same fabric, so just used whatever he had and it was the first time he used a sewing machine.
Me: She is stunning, but there is just way too much going on there. It looks like a Project Runway designer tried way too hard to be cutting edge. Maybe without the weird train thing. But even then, Marley is right about the whole diaper, V thing.
Zoe Kravitz made a lot of people’s Best Dressed list. Not ours.
Marley: That dress looks like it was made with Dollar Store pom poms mixed with piñata.
Marley: Oh no! She looks like a burrito.
Me: a burrito?
Marley: Yeah, you know, wrapped up in tin foil, to go. Wait, that was Sarah Paulson? Oh no. I love her. Sweetie, no!
Me: Also, what’s with the hair? Sorry, Sarah, Marley and I are in agreeance. We love you, but your Emmy look a two thumbs down, no!
Tracee Ellis Ross
Marley: That dress is terrible. Disco ball gone wrong.
Me: I think she and Sarah Paulson share the same terrible designer.
I am very conflicted because I love Jane Fonda – she looks great and has obviously made a deal with the devil, but the Barbie pink color and sorority-girl pony tail are not working for me.
Marley: She looks like she’s wearing a Double Stuffed Oreo.
Marley: Ugh. No.
Me: I love Samantha Bee, but I’ve got to give her dress an F. (Sorry, Sam!)
Marley: The way the red carpet reflect in her dress looks like Hurricane Irma, you know, the eye of the storm.
Me: Reflection or not, I call her disco ball dress a no.
Marley: At least he doesn’t have the pornstache.
Me: I think he looks dreamy.
Marley: See, Donald Glover looks. He’s always stylish. He always looks nice. I just love him. But he’s quitting rapping and that makes me sad.
Marley: It looks great because it’s RuPaul and everything looks good on RuPaul. On anyone else it would be hideous, but RuPaul is a god.
I have searched the internet high and low for a picture of Jason Bateman on the Red Carpet last night, but cannot find any. This is obviously a crime against humanity because he looked yummy.
Marley: Oh god, Mom. Do not call people yummy. It’s disgusting.
Anyway, please enjoy this picture of Jason and his beautiful wife Amanda Anka from the 2013 Emmy Red Carpet. He basically looked the same: beautiful.
The We’re Not Sure
Marley: I think she looks great, but I don’t like it.
Me: I love it and the color is spectacular, but it looks a little too casual for me. Fabulous, but casual.
Her dress was gorgeous. Well it would have been if it didn’t have those weird unnecessary asymmetrical sleeves.
Marley: I don’t like that weird sleeve and I don’t support it. They just seem wrong.
She looks gorgeous – the boppit side ponytail totally works for her. The more I look at the dress, the more I like it, but I still don’t know – depending on the angle it goes from gorgeous to weird. Marley says no, but without any snarky commentary. She’s making a lot of Best Dressed lists, but also some Worst Dressed lists. I’ll ask you, what do you think?
Talk about deal with the devil! I think Michelle Pfieffer might just be the most beautiful woman in the world. This dress is stunning and so is she.
Marley: That’s a pretty dress. It looks like a prom dress, but it’s pretty.
Me: She looks like a princess. I love the simplicity. Gorgeous.
Marley: I love it because I love her and she’s good.
Me: I love it too. Classy and simple, yet fabulous.
Marley: Yeah. Um, I know she’s great, but it looks like she has a centerpiece from a wedding table across her dress.
Marley is right about Julia Louis Dreyfus being great. She is 100% wrong about her dress. It’s fabulous. And she looked amazing.
Marley: Part of it looks like a disco ball and is poorly put together. The bottom look like sad cheerleader pom poms. Not the nice ones, but the ninety nine cent store ones. what is with iall the pom pom dresses this year? Yikes!
Again, my darling daughter is very misguided. I love this dress, including the (not sad) pom poms.
I saved my favorite dress for last. Just like this year at the Oscars, Nicole has moved from my Worst Dressed List to my Best Dressed List. I freaking love this dress. (In fact, I think it would look good on me.)
Marley: Eh. I don’t like the diamond part. (Marley is 1000% wrong.)
So there it is – My and Marley’s 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review. Oh, and if you want to see more of Marley and her fashion advice, check out this Buzzfeed video where she helps give one of the Try Guys a makeover. (Yes, my daughter in a Buzzfeed video – so cool!)
And as always, I love your comments. What did we get right (everything), what did we get wrong (nothing), and what did we miss?
Most photos were taken from here, some from here, and the one of Adam Von Rothfelder here.