My 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

Okay, so I have to confess. I didn’t know the Emmy’s were on last night. It’s not that I forgot or that it slipped my mind. It just wasn’t on my radar. At all.

Sorry, but I’m very busy. Friday night I went see Hall and Oates/Tears for Fears in concert. Yes, it was awesome and you should be very (very) jealous.

Saturday morning I went to a 9AM yogaish/boot campish class at Malibu Winery. This guy was my instructor.

AdamVonRothfelder
Adam Von Rothfelder (I won’t tell if you google his name to see if he has any underwear model pictures. Hint: he does.)

Again, it’s okay if you’re a little jealous.

Saturday afternoon I got a much needed haircut and root touch up. Not that I’m mostly likely 100% gray or anything. (No need to be jealous about that.)

Saturday night Marley and I went to the Green Day concert at the Rose Bowl. You should be most jealous about that, because Oh. My. God. They were amazing. And Marley got us the total hook up when she snapchatted that she was there and a friend saw her post and messaged her that her brother was working the show and he hooked us up with floor passes. And if you’re wondering if being on the floor is really a lot better than being in the shit seats (almost) all the way at the top, the answer is YES!

And then Sunday, I completed the fabulousness by doing laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning my room. (#livingthedream) Also, I saw my mom and step-dad who just got home from a three month vacation. That, of course, was so nice.

See. I’ve been busy.

So at 8:15 on Sunday evening when we had just sat down to watch our DVR’d America’s Got Talent semi-finals and I envisioned myself falling asleep on the couch 30 minutes later, Marley got a text from my friend Laurel asking if she could babysit later in the week and was she going to be snarking on the Emmy’s with me tonight.

We missed the Red Carpet! We missed the beginning of the show. And I was so tired. I came this close to saying, “Screw it,” and just not doing it this year. But we do this for you, not for us, so we decided to rally. Marley sat next to me on the couch while we simultaneously watched the show and scanned the internet for Red Carpet pictures.

So I present to you our (Unplanned-Oh-Shit-Totally-Last-Minute) 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review:

The Nope

Ajiona Alexus

emmys-2017-red-carpet-ajiona-alexus

 

Marley: No. It looks like she’s wearing a diaper, the way that thing V’s and it looks like the designer didn’t have enough of the same fabric, so just used whatever he had and it was the first time he used a sewing machine.

Me: She is stunning, but there is just way too much going on there. It looks like a Project Runway designer tried way too hard to be cutting edge. Maybe without the weird train thing. But even then, Marley is right about the whole diaper, V thing.

Zoe Kravitz

emmys-2017-red-carpet-zoe kravitz

 

Zoe Kravitz made a lot of people’s Best Dressed list. Not ours.

Marley: That dress looks like it was made with Dollar Store pom poms mixed with piñata.

Sarah Paulson

emmys-2017-red-carpet-sarah-paulson

Marley: Oh no! She looks like a burrito.

Me: a burrito?

Marley: Yeah, you know, wrapped up in tin foil, to go. Wait, that was Sarah Paulson? Oh no. I love her. Sweetie, no!

Me: Also, what’s with the hair? Sorry, Sarah, Marley and I are in agreeance. We love you, but your Emmy look a two thumbs down, no!

Tracee Ellis Ross

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Marley: That dress is terrible. Disco ball gone wrong.

Me: I think she and Sarah Paulson share the same terrible designer.

Jane Fonda

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I am very conflicted because I love Jane Fonda – she looks great and has obviously made a deal with the devil, but the Barbie pink color and sorority-girl pony tail are not working for me.

Mandy Moore

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Marley: She looks like she’s wearing a Double Stuffed Oreo.

Samantha Bee

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Marley: Ugh. No.

Me: I love Samantha Bee, but I’ve got to give her dress an F. (Sorry, Sam!)

Anna Chlumsky

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Marley: The way the red carpet reflect in her dress looks like Hurricane Irma, you know, the eye of the storm.

Me: Reflection or not, I call her disco ball dress a no.

The Men

Milo Ventimiglia

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Marley: At least he doesn’t have the pornstache.

Me: I think he looks dreamy.

Donald Glover

emmys-2017-red-carpet-donald-glover
Stephen Glover and Donald Glover

Marley: See, Donald Glover looks. He’s always stylish. He always looks nice. I just love him. But he’s quitting rapping and that makes me sad. 

Rupaul

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Marley: It looks great because it’s RuPaul and everything looks good on RuPaul. On anyone else it would be hideous, but RuPaul is a god.

Jason Bateman

jason bateman

I have searched the internet high and low for a picture of Jason Bateman on the Red Carpet last night, but cannot find any. This is obviously a crime against humanity because he looked yummy.

Marley: Oh god, Mom. Do not call people yummy. It’s disgusting.

Anyway, please enjoy this picture of Jason and his beautiful wife Amanda Anka from the 2013 Emmy Red Carpet. He basically looked the same: beautiful.

The We’re Not Sure

Reece Witherspoon

emmys-2017-red-carpet-reece witherspoon

Marley: I think she looks great, but I don’t like it.

Me: I love it and the color is spectacular, but it looks a little too casual for me. Fabulous, but casual.

Issa Rae

emmys-2017-red-carpet-issa-rae

Her dress was gorgeous. Well it would have been if it didn’t have those weird unnecessary asymmetrical sleeves.

Marley: I don’t like that weird sleeve and I don’t support it. They just seem wrong.

 

Jessica Biel

emmys-2017-red-carpet-jessica-biel

She looks gorgeous – the boppit side ponytail totally works for her. The more I look at the dress, the more I like it, but I still don’t know – depending on the angle it goes from gorgeous to weird. Marley says no, but without any snarky commentary. She’s making a lot of Best Dressed lists, but also some Worst Dressed lists. I’ll ask you, what do you think?

The Yes!

Michelle Pfeiffer

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Talk about deal with the devil! I think Michelle Pfieffer might just be the most beautiful woman in the world. This dress is stunning and so is she.

Thandie Newton

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Marley: That’s a pretty dress. It looks like a prom dress, but it’s pretty.

Me: She looks like a princess. I love the simplicity. Gorgeous.

 

 

Kate McKinnon

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Marley:  I love it because I love her and she’s good.

Me: I love it too. Classy and simple, yet fabulous.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

emmys-2017-red-carpet-julia-louis-dreyfus

Marley: Yeah. Um, I know she’s great, but it looks like she has a centerpiece from a wedding table across her dress.

Marley is right about Julia Louis Dreyfus being great. She is 100% wrong about her dress. It’s fabulous. And she looked amazing.

Laura Dern

emmys-2017-red-carpet-laura-dern

Marley: Part of it looks like a disco ball and is poorly put together. The bottom look like sad cheerleader pom poms. Not the nice ones, but the ninety nine cent store ones. what is with iall the pom pom dresses this year? Yikes!

Again, my darling daughter is very misguided. I love this dress, including the (not sad) pom poms.

Nicole Kidman

emmys-2017-red-carpet-nicole-kidman

I saved my favorite dress for last. Just like this year at the Oscars, Nicole has moved from my Worst Dressed List to my Best Dressed List. I freaking love this dress. (In fact, I think it would look good on me.)

Marley: Eh. I don’t like the diamond part. (Marley is 1000% wrong.)

So there it is – My and Marley’s 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review. Oh, and if you want to see more of Marley and her fashion advice, check out this Buzzfeed video where she helps give one of the Try Guys a makeover. (Yes, my daughter in a Buzzfeed video – so cool!)

 

And as always, I love your comments. What did we get right (everything), what did we get wrong (nothing), and what did we miss?

 

Most photos were taken from here, some from here, and the one of Adam Von Rothfelder here.

One thought on “My 2017 Emmy Red Carpet Review Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

  1. Marley’s comments are (mostly) spot on- you have trained her well! And I forgot all about the Emmys too- good thing no one is counting on me to do the post-mortem. Awesome as usual, Charlene!

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