Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself, Yeah, I’d look great too If I had a personal trainer and a nutritionist like she does? (Or he does. If you’re a dude. Or want to look like one.)

I have. (Like all the time.)

So decided to approach the manager of my gym to see what she thought about me participating in their “Just Lose It” six week weight loss competition and writing a blog series about it. She thought it was a great idea. Of course I did too. Not only will I participate in a group and individual weight loss challenge complete with a personal trainer and nutritionist (and therefore look amazing), I will have interesting and informative blog material for the next six weeks. (Win, win!) The program includes two weekly team workouts with a trainer and one weekly team meeting with a nutritionist.

Sounds awesome right?

Well, if your definition of awesome is stepping your fat ass on a scale at night while wearing tennis shoes in front of a really cute boy trainer, then having another cute boy trainer measure your body fat, and then having your body measurements taken (at least that was done by a woman), then yeah, it’s pretty awesome.

And no you do not get to know what my numbers are. At least not yet. (Nosy!)

But here’s a couple of “before” pictures of me (if you click on it it will get bigger):

After the shock and humiliation of learning my stats I sat down with the other participants to have the basics of the program explained to us:

This is a challenge where three small teams (two five-person and one four-person) will be competing to see which team loses the most inches, body fat and pounds. There will also be an individual “Biggest Loser” (hence winner) at the end of the competition. (The loss totals are done as a percentage to compensate for the fact that one team only has four members and because of the whole “men lose weight faster than women” thing.)

We will meet with our trainer twice a week and the nutritionist once a week. We also have to do one additional strength training session as a team designed by our trainer, but without our trainer present. And we have to do three weekly cardio sessions (again designed by our trainer) that last 30 – 60 minutes.

Uh… I thought this thing was only twice a week.

Nope. It turns out if you want to look like “those people” (you know, the skinny, in shape, fit people) you have to workout like they do.

Sigh…

But still. It sounds pretty easy to me. Well, maybe not easy, but at least doable. I mean, I workout all the time. On good weeks I hit the gym five to six times and on bad weeks I get there at least two or three.

And I eat healthfully. Ish.

Really, how hard can this challenge be?

Well, considering the fact that I’ve been unable to drop any significant weight for the last year and a half and the people who stick to this program drop a ton of weight in just six weeks (one woman I talked to lost over 20 pounds!) the answer, my poor tired aching body is finding out, is pretty freaking hard.

In the first place, there is no drinking alcohol. What?! Bu…bu…but… it’s summertime! Time for delicious margaritas. Yummy sangria. Refreshing lemonade and vodka. Crisp Pinot Grigio. Fruity Sauvignon Blanc. Buttery Chardonnay. (There may not be any wine for the next six weeks, but trust me – there will be plenty of whining!)

The diet is healthy,but strict. At least the food is plentiful (it had better be with all the working out we’re doing). I have to eat four times a day (every four hours) with a very regimented protein/healthy-carb/fat ratio. Nothing that contains flour may be consumed for the first two weeks.  So my two to three times a week “Oh-crap-it’s-six-o’clock-I-forgot-to-pull-something-out-of-the-freezer-what-are-we-going-to-have-for-dinner-how-about pasta/quesadilla/grilled cheese?” dinner plan just got thrown out the window. (Shit!) I can have potatoes. But not the (French) fried variety that I prefer.

And I’m sure it goes without saying no sugar. But honestly, I’d rather have a French fry. (Or wine.)

Day One

My trainer’s name is Phil. I hate Phil. And not because he was the cute boy trainer who took my fat measurement. (Bastard!)

I hate Phil because of what he is making me and my team members do to win this contest. Which is, you know, workout.

Hard.

Really really hard.

He made me say the F word. (But only once.) I’d tell you our workout routine, but I don’t want the other trainers getting wind of the awesomeness terribleness of Phil and copying any of our workouts. Because my team -The Pink Bitches- we’re going to win this competition. (Believe it!)

Day Two

Phil told us we could rest today. But I took my dog on a 2 mile walk, did a 4 minute Tabata Training (yes, only 4 minutes, but trust me they are 4 intense minutes) and called myself awesome.

Day Three

Workout #2 with Phil. Phil made us run. I hate running. And sprint. And since sprinting is doing something I hate really, really fast, I hate sprinting even more. (Have I mentioned that I hate Phil?) He made me say the F word again. And not just once.

Then Phil made us do no less than 400 reps of various core exercises. I wish I was exaggerating.

And lucky us, there was even time for upper body weight lifting. (Yay!)

At the end of the workout, Phil was nice enough to help stretch me out. I (almost) felt bad for him because I think I smelled pretty bad gross, so I have to give him credit for coming within two inches of me. the stretching felt great – in an ouchy-hurts-so-good kind of way. I started to like Phil. (A little.)

Day Four

The four of us took Deena’s 5:30 AM kickboxing class. (Phil made us do it.) I workout at 5:30 AM all the time, but I was so sore that there is no way in hell I would have gone if the other Pink Bitches weren’t there counting on me. (Turns out accountability works.)

And Deena? She is so freaking perky in the morning I want to punch her I love her. Her class was great, but I was dying. D-Y-I-N-G!

Day Five

The Pink Bitches met again at 5:30 AM for a weight training session developed by Phil. We thought it would take an hour. It took an hour and a half. I might not be the only one who hates Phil.

Day Six

Rest day. I love Phil.

Day Seven

Cardio Day. Fifteen minutes stair climber (think going the wrong way up an escalator – for 15 minutes!), fifteen minutes on the recumbent bike, fifteen minutes on the ellyptical. All at high levels and a fast pace.

Every muscle inside my body hurts. My eyelashes hurt.

I really hate Phil.

Check back next week to see how much weight I lost the first week.