Today is a bad news day. Not just bad. Terrible awful no good news. The kind of news that makes me need to hug my kids in the morning and they actually let me even though they’re trying to get ready for school. And when Chandler asks for a ride to school even though he has plenty of time to walk and I do not have plenty of time to drive him I smile and say, “Of course,” because that means I get to spend an extra two minutes with him today. And after crying and phone calls and holding my coffee cup staring into space as my coffee grows cold, instead of rushing to get to work on time I am kind to myself and let them know that I will be late. And when I drive to work I call my mom and tell her the news, which is the worst because nothing is ever real until I talk to my mom about it. So I guess this is real. And at lunch when I eat the leftover chicken thigh I packed for myself instead of ripping off the skin and throwing it away like I always do I eat it. I savor it. I allow myself that pleasure today. And when I sit down to write my blog – my just one paragraph that I haven’t been keeping up with anyway, so what’s the point – nothing funny comes. But of course, how could it today? After lunch I go to the bank to deposit a check for work. The greeter at the door asks cheerily, “How are you today?” I smile and say, “Great!” The lie tumbles out of my mouth automatically. “How are you?” I ask. Social pleasantries that feel anything but pleasant to me today. At work I am given a project that requires me to think. It’s difficult for me to focus. Truth be told, I’m lucky I didn’t fuck it up. After work I go to Trader Joe’s. I need broccoli and white rice for dinner. I spend $62 and forget to buy the rice. In the parking lot I see a woman whose car has broken down. She wears the disappointment of her day on her face. Her groceries are becoming warm. She just wants to get home and get dinner started. I want to tell her it could be worse. I want to tell her I’ll trade her dead engine for my dead friend, but I don’t think she’ll take the trade. As if she could. As if I could. I come home and pour a glass of wine to drink while I cook dinner. Chandler has good news. He’s made varsity for Cross Country. Dinner is nice. No fights. Good conversation. I manage to smile and even to laugh. Everyone helps clean up. We sit down to watch a movie I’ve already seen together and I sneak away to finish this post about my terrible awful day and wonder if I should hit publish because who would want to read about the day I had today. But I think I will. Unedited and raw – how I rarely allow myself to be. Just for today.
Goodbye my sweet friend Harvey. I will miss you always and forever. Long, long, long after today.