I don’t care what you wear, Meryl Streep. I will love you forever.

Can I tell you guys something tragic? I missed the red carpet for the Golden Globes last night.

I know.

I know!

Okay, that’s not quite true. I did see it, but not until after 8:00 at night when the awards were playing on repeat. A few months ago I scheduled a book reading at a super cool book store called The Ripped Bodice in Culver City, not realizing it was at the exact same time as the Golden Globes Red Carpet & Awards. (Talk about a first world problem!)

 

So I asked Marley to step in and do the red carpet for me. And like a good daughter she sat down with my laptop on her lap and watched the E! Red Carpet and gave her commentary below. (I may have created a monster!) My commentary is in italics. Please enjoy!

Milo Ventimiglia
Please shave, you look like a 70s porn star. Suit is looking good.
I’m going to pretend that my 16-year-old daughter doesn’t know what a 70’s porn star looks like.

 

Ryan Seacrest
Seriously? A white bow tie? Really? How many pleats are in that thing? Also, that tux jacket is ugly. Too many buttons.

 

Giuliana Rancic
What is that dress? It looks like a toddler spilled glitter glue all over it and she said “eh, looks good.” Who is she wearing? A kindergartner’s art project.
I have to admit – that’s pretty funny!

 

Kristen Bell
Your boob contouring is a little too obvious. And why does your dress basically go to your nipple line? But you’re a good person, so it’s okay.
Before Marley pointed this out to me, I didn’t know “boob contouring” was a thing, but then I noticed all the women in low cut dresses had it.

 

 

Ross Matthews, aka the local gay (E! Red Carpet commentator)
We all know we should save the bees, but you don’t need that disgusting broach.

 

 

Mandy Moore
The dress fits her really well, the makeup is great and subtle. I usually hate capes, but It’s a good and complete overall look. 

 

 

Lily Collins
I love the color because it blends into her fair skin really well. She looks like a princess. I love that dress.
(Me: I’m surprised you love that dress. Marley: Me too.)

 

Drew Barrymore
That’s heinous. It’s swan wings glued to fabric. The vegans are probably angry.

Carrie Underwood
Seriously? What is that?! That might top the list for the ugliest dress. Why does that even exist???
Me: It’s not so bad. I like the color.
Marley: Seriously, Mom. I can’t even roast it. It’s so terrible I don’t even know what to say.
Me:  Oooh! Look at the back. I like the back!
Marley: It’s stupid!

 

Tracee Ellis Ross
WHY DO YOU HAVE MY COLLEGE TUITION ON YOUR FINGERS?!

Amy Adams
I don’t like the top of the dress, but the dress as a whole is a great look and her figure looks great.

 

 

Natalie Portman
Out of everything that you could have worn, you decided to wear that? It looks like a yellow tarp that they laid over you.

The style is very pretty and actually looks very “Jackie Kennedy” but that color. UGH!” If you’re going to wear yellow, wear yellow that looks like this:

 

Busy Phillips
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY’S GREAT GRANDMOTHER’S TABLECLOTH.
I think it looks more like cowboy boots, but I kind of like it. Plus, she looks gorgeous!

 

Michelle Williams
The dress was nice but it fit really awkwardly and the choker was crooked.
I am not a fan of the choker, but I think the dress fits perfectly.

 

 

Justin Timberlake and Friend
Friend: The top is okay, sideboob is real. But the bottom is an ugly mess. It has a horrible pattern with these weird glued on flowers.
Justin Timberlake: I like what he is wearing. Tom Ford designs well.
Obviously Justin Timberlake’s “friend” is his wife, Jessica Biel, but Marley did not know who she was and I just had to leave it in as she wrote it, because it is a rare thing for your snarky 16-year-old to do something that is adorable!

 

Sienna Miller
It’s a classy look with nice slits on the side.
Not my favorite and I hate the ponytail, but if I had abs like that I’d probably wear a dress like that too!

 

Kerry Washington
That might be the ugliest dress out there. The gold and silver and weird dress. It’s so hideous I cannot describe it.
If it didn’t have those weird embellishments and wasn’t see-through with black underwear underneath, it might be okay.

 

Ruth Negga
She looks like an actual baked potato.

 

Thandie Newton
This is what happens when you dip a dress in sparkly paint.

 

Janelle Monae
Her face is beautiful. Her hair is beautiful. She looks so gorgeous. But that dress is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

 

Haille Steinfeld
It looks like a canopy that she took off a little girl’s bed and decided to put on.

 

Nicole Kidman
She tried too hard to be the silver surfer and kind of gave up halfway through.
I think she always makes my worst dressed list.

 

 

And with that, Marley was out. But she missed a few, that I just had to mention, so here are my pics and pans below.

Heidi Klum
For once I don’t hate Heidi Klum’s dress. I mean I don’t love it, but it’s not terrible. Actually the more I look at it, I think I really like it.

 

 

Sophie Turner
I love you dearly, but that looks like something Heidi Klum would wear, and unfortunately that is not a compliment.

 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Love this dress. Love her. The end.

 

Olivia Culpo
I have no idea who this woman is, but she is stunning and I really dig this dress. It looks like a piece of art.

 

Judith Light
This photo of Judith Light is everything. She is fabulous and I love her.

 

Felicity Huffman
I think this is my favorite look of the night. She looks absolutely stunning and this pantsuit if FABULOUS!

Sarah Jessica Parker
The dress would be great without those stupid sleeves, and what the blankety-blank is with that terrible wrap-around braid?! Oh Sarah Jessica, why?!

 

Gina Rodriguez
This was one of my favorite dresses of the night. Just gorgeous!

 

I could go on (and on) because there were just some spectacular (and spectacularly bad) looks out there, but I’ve got a day job, you know. (And about 40 minutes to get there.) So I will end with this, because you deserve it…

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
A little eye candy, just because I love you for reading this entire thing. You’re welcome!

Photo credits: All photos from E! Online except for Meryl Streep from International Business Times Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell from Pop Sugar, Tracee Ellis Ross from US Magazine, Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake from The Daily Mail, and Gina Rodriguez from Pop Sugar. (Thank you!)

*Edited to add: Photo credit of me: the fabulous Kim Tracy Prince. (And you all were looking for it on E! Online, weren’t you?!) 😉