Can I start by saying that I was hijacked this weekend. Or kidnapped. Or somethinged. What I’m trying to say is this: I had planned on taking down Christmas on Saturday (Yes, I’m one of those who waits until after New Year’s to take down Christmas. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be.) and then spend Sunday morning finishing that up, getting the boxes up into the attic, grocery shopping for the week, and getting all my chores done so I could plop my ass down on the couch at 3:00 to watch the Golden Globe Red Carpet with Marley and I could actually get this blog post (mostly) written Sunday night.
Here’s what actually happened. Saturday Chandler bamboozled me into cleaning out the garage with him (a project he started while home for winter break to alleviate his boredom and advance his procrastination in applying for jobs, that I am grateful for, but really didn’t want to be a part of) with the promise he would help me on Sunday taking down Christmas. Of course we didn’t finish Saturday, and had to finish Sunday. At noon. And guess what? It takes more than three hours to take down Christmas. Also, surprise, he was not nearly as helpful to me with Christmas as I was to him with the garage. So Christmas is only 3/4 taken down and my living room is a disaster.
Plus I forgot Marley had to work yesterday until five o’clock. And wanted to go out with her boyfriend. (We never see her anymore. Our house has become a hotel for her, where she showers, sleeps, and occasionally has breakfast.) We watched the Red Carpet on the DVR, Marley gave her commentary (though I’m not sure her heart was really in it), and then took off to go play Pokemon Go or whatever it is she and her boyfriend do every night. (And don’t roll your eyes and tell me you know what they’re doing. La la la la – I’m not listening. Also, I know.)
The good news is, my friend Laurel came through by emailing me many pictures from with her comments written right on top of them. (Laurel and I have decided that next year we must watch the awards together, because her snark is spot-on.) I texted Marley Laurel’s pics and she stopped playing Pokemon Go (or whatever it is they were doing) and gave me her commentary on those pictures. Also, if some of these photos look like they came from someone texting/emailing from a cellphone that’s because they did.
So, that’s my long-winded way of saying, I’m not sure this is our best. But we’ll give it a go.
Me: Yikes is right!
Marley: That outfit is wack but I don’t know if anybody is more gorgeous than her.
Me: I agree. In a room full of the most beautiful people in the room, she may be the most beautiful, wack outfit or not.
Me: I have to disagree with Laurel on this one. While Heidi usually does make my worst dressed list, I actually think this dress is very pretty. I give it a two-thumbs up.
Marley: I actually like Heidi’s dress this time.
Marley: Her dress is really pretty, but it looks so stiff and uncomfortable, like it has rods in it and she can’t sit down.
Me: I think it’s gorgeous. Love the color and love the bling. And everyone knows when it comes to haute couture it is better to look good than to feel good.
Marley: The under dress – terrible. The whatever that cape is – terrible. The dress looks like it was painted by kindergartners.
Me: Agree. Love Lucy Liu. Hate this dress.
Marley: That’s a really pretty dress. And it has pockets! Every time a woman has a dress with pockets she’ll tell you it has pockets.
Me: I agree. Love the dress, love her hair and simple make-up. And yes, she’s right about the pockets (because pockets are the best).
Marley: Her dress is really pretty, but I don’t like that weird strap. What is that? A backpack. Why?!
Me: Gorgeous! I like the iridescent sequins, love the straps and the back. Classic Hollywood glamour.
Marley: That’s really pretty. Her bangs look like they were cut with safety scissors and separated like curtains
Me: GORGEOUS. My favorite dress so far. LOVE the color and everything about it. And her bangs are awesome. Bangs are the BEST!
Marley: It’s nice, but I don’t really like the stars. It looks a little like a Snuggie.
Me: Hair and makeup is a yes. The dress? I think Laurel nailed it with the Harry Potter comment.
Marley: Yikes! The sleeves are terrible. The dress isn’t bad (it’s a lot, but it could be way worse), but the sleeves are so ugly.
And Laurel’s nine-year-old daughter (and future Red Carpet commentator) say, “Poop.”
Marley: She’s adorable and looks perfect
My husband: Schwing! Dress of the night.
Me: Agree. This dress is phenom!
Marley: She’s never looked more beautiful. She looks powerful and just so happy. I love her.
Me: I agree. Gorgeous. And I also loved both of the dresses she wore on the show. Oh, yes, indeed!
Marley: Is that a bondage top? A harness? I don’t get it.
Me: I think he got confused and thought he was participating in an ice skating competition.
Jamie Lee Curtis
Me: Of all the fabulous people, I think Jamie Lee Curtis just might be the most fabulous. I love her so much!
Me: Yes, yes, yes!
Marley: She looks like she’s 32 and I’m pretty sure that she’s not.
Me: You are right, Marley. She’s not. Hotness all around.
Taraji P. Henson
Marley: She looks really pretty.
Me: I wish I had the nerve (and the bod) to wear a dress like that. And that necklace? Yes, please.
Marley: She is perfect
Me: She looks fierce. I love it!
Marley: Why would you hurt yourself like that? That’s so terrible.
Me: I feel like I should really hate this, but I don’t. It kind of works. I’m with Laurel. Why not?
I could keep going. But you’re probably getting tired. And my word count has already passed the 1,000-word-count mark. Plus, I’ve got a job. I’ve got to get to work and they prefer that I shower before I go in (especially since I didn’t yesterday!). But you know I like to leave you with some man candy. So here you go…
Me: Looks like a waiter, but a hot waiter (and if there’s one thing I love, it’s hot waiters), so it’s a yes for me.
Marley: I love him. He looks amazing. He looks great. He always looks great. He’s adorable. He looks perfect.
Me: He looks very handsome. Great tux.
Bradley Cooper (AKA My Boyfriend)
I could not find a picture of my boyfriend without his smoking hot baby mama on his arm. Although who could blame her? I wouldn’t let go of him either.
Laurel: Bradley looks like he’s going to teach tango on a cruise ship. Why all white??? BTW, I’d tango with him.
Me: Hot waiter. And yes, not loving the white pants. But then again, who’s looking at his pants.
Marley: His jacket looks like wallpaper.
Me: I think it looks more like wrapping paper. The kind you’d use for a woman of certain age’s milestone birthday. But did you hear the wonderful things he said about his mother during his acceptance speech? So lovely. His terrible jacket has been forgiven.
Michael B. Jordan
Speaking of perfection, I will leave you with this. Idris Elba with his fiancee and daughter. Love his suit (his shoes match his jacket & vest!) and in a room full of beautiful people, he might just be the most beautiful man (after my boyfriend, Bradley Cooper of course!).
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Who did I miss. (There were so many more I wanted to put in. Really!) I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Photos borrowed from here and here and here.
7 thoughts on “My 2019 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Review”
I am honored – HONORED!! – and love you Ross ladies so much. I’m cracking up laughing! Spot on, as usual!
I snorted coffee out of my nose reading these this morning!! (that did not feel good, btw) This was absolutely HILARIOUS and had you not pointed out Laurel’s assistance, I would never have known that you weren’t sitting there with your full 100% attention scrutinizing each and every outfit to see if they made the cut for your annual blog post. Thank you for sharing!!!
You gals nail it every year! What a great Mom & daughter duo! May I make a couple of comments?
Janelle Moune: Wackety – Wack for sure.
Saoirse Ronan: GORGEOUS! But (and maybe this isn’t the place to ask) what does one wear under this garment? Nothing? OUCH!
Jamie Lee Curtis: Thanks for sporting that gorgeous silver crown!
Darren Criss: I have a dress in that identical fabric in the back of my closet…WAY back!
Michael B. Jordan: YES!
Thanks so much! Can’t wait till next year!
Awesome commentary as usual! Best dressed woman (IMHO)- Kristen Bell; Best dressed man- Idris Elba. And Lucy Lui’s dress looked like a shower curtain. 🙂
You girls are so funny! You need your own cable show ❤️
Since I’ve invited myself over in the past I am going to do it again. I would like to watch the next awards show with you, too. Great, it’s a date. (also, this post made me LOL several times! Thank you!)
Academy Awards, Sunday, February 24th. Mark your calendar! 🙂