My Friends’ 2019 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments (Because I Am on the Road for Work)

Guest posters Kim Tracy Prince and Laurel Janssen Byrne reported in on The Charlene Ross blog for this special occasion: the 91st Academy Awards.

Kim says, “I don’t usually watch the red carpet, but since Charlene is traveling, I am pulling it out for a friend. As you know, there’s really only one reason to pay attention to awards shows; in fact, you really don’t even have to watch them, you just need to read Charlene’s fashion coverage.”

Laurel says, “Charlene’s red carpet blog posts are always my favorite, and the fact that she’s letting me guest write this one with Kim is nothing shy of an honor. And believe me, I wouldn’t be caught dead in an ugly pink dress for this one.”

The “Pink No” Category

Gemma Chan from Crazy Rich Asians

Gemma’s hair & make up were lovely, but we lost her in the oozing pepto.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves

Yikes – must put that pink layered nightmare in a grave.

Actress Linda Cardellini

There is an angry flamingo looking for Linda. She should be careful.

Sarah Paulson

Macaron gone wrong. Very wrong. Don’t get us started on that hair “style.”

Maya Rudolph

Floral a-go-go. A no-no! Being pregnant does not give you the right to wear a hideous curtain.

Meagan Good

This is what happens when your cat attacks your curtains… and wins.

Laura Marano

Honorable mention in the “Pink NO” category, showing the butt of a bad dress that looks like Easter egg shrink wrap.

Switching now to the “Pink Yes” category…

Angela Bassett

This is how you do pink! Angela should help the ladies in our “Pink No” category.

Helen Mirren

Jewelry + dress = WOW! She’s always a yes. Love the simple hair with her powerful ice.

Kiki Layne

Versace should thank Kiki for looking so elegant in this gown. Yowza!

Marie Kondo

Laurel’s daughter, Lexi, got SO EXCITED when she learned that Marie Kondo was at the Oscars. Spark joy, indeed! Simple and feminine.

Julia freakin’ Roberts

Just when we thought the pink dresses were finished, this goddess graced the stage.
And the award for Best Pink Dress goes to this pretty woman.

Let’s consider Allison Janney, shall we?

So stylish. So deco. Great neckline and necklace. Yes please on her look!

Lady Gaga

Laurel: We liked both of Gaga’s black dresses tonight. This one is so glamorous and funky with its structured hips/waist thingy. And clearly, diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
And that friend’s name is Tiffany.
Kim: But the weird hips thing is under protest by me. It makes her look like a cartoon character. Which kind of fits because Gaga.

Serena Williams

Serena takes a lot of heat about her on-court get ups, but here, she is nothing but classic and elegant. LOVE.

Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk

We liked Bradley’s classic Tom Ford tux tonight, and while Laurel likes him best clean-shaven, none of us would kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Or anything else.

Tina Fey

We’re totally feeling you in blue.

Michael B. Jordan and Mother Donna

And speaking of blue, that blue velvet tux is dashing! And your mom looks lovely.

Marina de Tavira

Wow! Red done right. And those earrings! Hollywood glam for the win.

Producer Lynette Howell Taylor

Producer and bold red dress-wearing goddess. More lipstick next time please, but we love this power color as she rules the world. Get it, girl.

Jennifer Hudson

JHud makes red holiday gifts look so right.
This dress is WOW!

Hannah Beachler

Hannah may have just won an Oscar for production design on Black Panther,
but she won the night for this outfit.

Regina King

Perfection in white simplicity. And omg she won! Her mom looked gorgeous, too!

Emma Stone

Emma Stone, who is Kim’s hair muse, in a bronze mermaid dress. Charlene didn’t like it, but she didn’t get a vote because she was watching ESPN poker at the airport. Buh-bye.

Lucy Boynton and Rami Malek

Hollywood glam is no greater than with these two – they looked stunning, and with Rami’s big win, what could be better?

Awkwafina

We love Awkwafina for so many  reasons, but rocking this lavender glitter suit? Yes. Totally her very own style. Oh – and her purse is a tequila flask. Savvy!

JLo and ARod

Hall of Jennifer Lopezes. We can’t look away! Hot! That chandelier is working for Jenny – she can wear anything!
And now ARod will bring us our entrees.

Brie Larson

The mirroring continues with this stunner. That slit!! Incredible.

Michelle Yeoh

The shimmer mirrors dazzle with this glowing masterpiece. She’s lovely.

Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet

Okay. We love Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet together. But we are curious about the color on his original Karl Lagerfeld suit. Taupe, perhaps?? Also, THE SCRUNCHIE! Look at his wrist! Nope! We didn’t even get to Lisa’s super hero doily. Ugh!
Still fiercely hot.
We decided the world has had enough Ryan Seacrest. And that heinous smoking jacket.

Henry Golding

So dapper! Is it warm in here?? Oh, my!

Heidi “yikes” Klum

Look, Charlene – it’s your favorite fashion disaster!
Heidi Klum says, “I am Groot.”

Charlize Theron

For the universe to balance out Heidi’s hideous gown, we’ve been given Charlize in this bare-backed stunner and serpent necklace.
Well done, universe.

Trevor Noah

Hot.
Handsome.
Sexy.

Spike Lee

Thankfully, Spike won his first Oscar, but you can bet it wasn’t for this get up. It’s…I mean….just so…my eye doesn’t know wear to…ugh, it’s just awful. Lexi said “He looks like a police figurine in LEGO City.”

Well, Charlene, thanks for letting us take over your blog. We feel for the poor souls who run social media and blogs for the Academy and the entertainment channels, because this work was hard enough. Those suckers had to post their opinions in real time. We had the luxury of sipping wine, eating delicious Persian food, and kicking back in our sweats. Maybe you’ll get to watch the show again in style next year!
-Laurel and Kim

4 thoughts on “My Friends’ 2019 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments (Because I Am on the Road for Work)

  1. You had me at “oozing pepto”!! Thanks for stepping up, Laurel and Kim…this was fantastic! I agree that Julia won hands-down for the pinkapalooza-fest-best-dress contest. Was Awkwafina’s purse really a flask? I need one!! Lastly, I think Karl Lagerfeld is turning in his grave knowing that Jason Momoa found a matching scrunchie for his suit. There is NO way Lagerfeld would have approved. Thank you again…I was very much looking forward to this recap!!

  2. Ok, umm, for all in the “Pink No” category – Who shot the sofa??
    Julia Roberts – beautiful (in ‘blush & bash’ – points if you know that one!)
    And SpIke Lee looks like Willy Wonka. Eww.

  3. I’m going to need you and your deputies to tell me who half these people are….over wine, please. 🙂

    Also, Paul Rudd is everything.

    XOXO

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