My Best Friend Wears Granny Panties

Throwback Thursday: Originally posted on the now-defunct skirt.com on February 7, 2011

If I were a smart blogger who wrote about topical issues in hopes of getting a lot of hits I would probably write about the Super Bowl or Super Bowl commercials.  But sadly I am not.  I did go to a Super Bowl party, but spent most of it drinking too much, eating even more, ignoring my children, and gossiping with my girlfriends.  I didn’t see much of the game or many of the commercials.  I even missed the commercial for the new Bradley Cooper movie because I was in the bathroom.  I know…

So instead I will be writing about my friend Heidi* and her granny panties…

Last Tuesday I had one of those days.  Actually, that’s not entirely true, but I did have an hour where everything seemed to crash down on me at once like the Mexican train dominoes my kids set up on the entry tile and then take down with a flick of their fingers.

Well it sure seemed like someone was flicking their finger at me.

I was driving to pick up my son from school to take him to the orthodontist when my cell phone rang.  I saw that it was my friend Heidi.

“Hey,” I said, completely agitated.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Argh, nothing.  Sorry.  I’m just bleh.”

“What?”

I told her that the reason for my extreme crankiness was that because literally in the last half hour:

-I got a rejection email for an essay I had submitted for publication.

-Realized I was late posting an article that I had yet to write.

-Tried printing Chandler’s bus pass application that was due the week before and jammed the printer.

-By the time I had the printer un-jammed and the application printed I was late picking up Marley from school.

-Being late also made me get stuck in the daily high school traffic jam I do my best to avoid at all costs.

-This made me so late in picking up Chandler that not only was he sure to be late to his appointment, but there was no possible way for me to turn in the stupid buss pass application and I would have to go back to the school again the next day.

Sigh…I do not know why I continue to invite Procrastination and Un-organization over to hang out with me when they have proven time and time again to be crappy ass friends.

“And to top it off I forgot my Bluetooth so I’ll probably get a ticket the way the last half hour is going.”

“Well put me on speaker because I can make you laugh,” she said.

So I put her on speaker and held the phone near the top of the steering wheel in the way that Californians without Bluetooths do as if this will prevent us from getting a ticket.

“Remember I told you that I tripped last week and my knee has been bothering me since then.  Well I went to the doctor today and figured I would wear a skirt so it would be easier for him to look at my knee.  I sat on his bench and he said, ‘Okay I need you to lie back and raise your leg up and bend it.’”

“Uh oh.  Were you wearing a pencil skirt?” I asked.

“No, I was wearing this long flowing skirt, so the doctor kind of lifted it up and tried to arrange it so I wasn’t flashing him, which I probably wouldn’t have been if I had just been wearing a thong, but I was wearing Spanx.  My doctor lifts my leg and the skirt slides against the slickness of the Spanx and there I am completely exposed wearing flaw-fixing underwear.  And of course my doctor is really young and cute and hello there I am wearing total granny panties.  I could tell that even though he’s a doctor and has probably seen it all he really wasn’t expecting to see that.  There he is, moving my leg this way and that way and at one point I even had my leg over his shoulder so he could feel what was going on with my knee when I pushed down and the whole time he’s trying to arrange my skirt so the Spanx aren’t showing, but my skirt keeps sliding up my leg and my granny panties keep popping out.”

I picture my friend lying back with her leg in the air trying to flirt with her cute doctor and just pretend that the granny panties aren’t there.  Hysterical!

She really did make me laugh.  My bad mood was immediately lifted.  And I didn’t get a ticket.

Other than the rejection letter I guess it wasn’t such a bad day after all.

*Heidi is not my friend’s real name.  I would kill for her figure. I don’t know what the hell she was doing wearing Spanx.

My tweets are even lamer than my blog posts (but at least they’re short.) If lameness is your thing follow me on Twitter @Rossgirl08

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Leibster Blog Award #1

Wow! I’ve been selected for the Liebster Blog Award. The word Liebster means “dearest” or “favorite” in German, and the award is given as a form of recognition and support for smaller, up and coming blogs. (Who me?!)

And the most amazing thing is I’ve been awarded the Liebster Blog Award twice! That’s right – two amazing bloggers have given me this award. I am truly touched and honored – thank you!

First, my sincere thanks to Demetria Foster Gray, a fellow skirt blogger and writer of her own blog, Shaken But Not Stirred for selecting me as a blog favorite. It truly is a gift to be acknowledged by your blogging peers. Check out Demetria’s blog to experience her thoughtful and inspiring viewpoints. She is an incredibly talented writer.

Liebster Award rules:

  1. Answer your nominator’s eleven questions.
  2. Think of eleven questions of your own.
  3. Choose a few worthy bloggers (who have fewer than 500 followers) to interview and pay it forward.
  4. Make sure to inform the bloggers they’ve been nominated winners.

Here are my questions from Demetria:

1.   Why did you start blogging?

I started writing little slice of life essays and submitting them to national magazines – like Redbook and Parenting. Unfortunately all I received was a stack of rejection letters. (Really, magazines like that don’t want to take risks on unpublished writers?! Huh!) I stumbled upon skirt.com and applied to be a skirtsetter blogger. They said yes! Hooray! (Although, I’m pretty sure they say yes to everyone that applies. Oh well…) Blogging was a way for me to write and have my voice be heard. (And not get rejected.)

2.   If you could be granted three wishes, what would they be?

First, to have my book published, become a best seller and made into a movie starring Amy Adams and Bradley Cooper. (That’s one wish, right?) Second to win a smallish Lotto, say $10,000,000 -I really don’t want the responsibility of a ridiculous Lotto- just enough money to be able to vacation wherever and whenever I want, send my kids to whatever college they can get into, get a bigger house and have someone clean it, and to get daily private yoga and massages. Third for my kids to become happy, healthy, confident, well adjusted adults who enjoy life and never give into peer pressure to do things they don’t want to and shouldn’t do. (Hmmm, I probably should have listed that one first!)

3.   When you don’t want to be bothered, where do you go to hide?

As a mom of two kids hiding isn’t really an option. And I have a small house, so that doesn’t help. But usually if I go in my room and shut my door I can hide out for a little bit. (Like 10 minutes, maybe.) In my fantasy life I hide at the beach. But that never happens in real life.

4.   Sunny day or cloudy day? Which one and why?

Sunny, without a doubt. Why? I’m a SoCal girl born and raised. We like the sun!

5.   Exercise or TV? Which one and why?

Depends on the time of day. I like to exercise in the morning and watch TV at night. (I almost NEVER exercise after noon. Except for yoga – but that’s pretty rare.) Once the sun goes down I am a total couch potato.

6.   Pepsi or Coke? Which one and why?

I guess Coke. Diet Coke specifically. Or better yet – Tab. (A Coke product.) But honestly, I don’t drink very much soda. As a teenager and in college I was addicted to it. But now I only have two or three a month, if that.

7.   Sex or sleep? Which one and why?

I never seem to get enough of either. (Who has the time?)

8.   If you could ask God only one question, what would it be?

Why do you take children from their parents? Especially violently. It doesn’t make sense.

9.   What is the best age of your life and why?

I like the confidence that being in my 40’s brings. I just wish I had a bit (or a lot) more money to enjoy this time of my life.

10. If you had to eat only one type of food for the rest of your life what would it be?

Cheeseburgers

11. If you could change one physical trait about yourself what would it be?

If you had asked me this question most of my life -from puberty until just a few years ago- I would have said my thighs. I have saddlebags for days that poke out below my hips and don’t ever seem to firm up no matter how much I exercise. But to be honest, I’m now kind of used to them (I’m not saying I like them) and have a whole wardrobe built around how to camouflage them. But my upper arms the last few years – WTF? These batwing triceps have got to go! We SoCal girls need to be able to wear tank tops. And yes I do work out. My arms just haven’t seemed to have received the memo!

 My Award Nominees

I would like to nominate a couple of my skirt sisters for this first set of awards:

First Kim Sisto Robinson of skirt and her own blog, My Inner Chick. Kim and I both started blogging for skirt in 2008 and immediately fell in love with each other. Every time I read her words I cry or I laugh. Sometimes both. Her writing is so beautiful, I think you will fall in love with her too. She mostly writes about her sister, Kay, who was murdered by her husband two years ago. It’s heartbreaking and honest and raw. I think she has well over 500 followers because not only is she incredibly talented, but she is a cheerleader for everyone she reads. But I’m still nominating her because she is amazing. Take the time to read her blog!

Next I would like to nominate another skirt blogger Elizabeth Cassidy. Elizabeth truly has a unique outlook on life and makes me laugh (out loud) every time I read her funny words. She is a brilliant artist and former stand-up comedian. Her blog is called My Views from the Edge and is definitely worth checking out.

Here are my questions for Kim and Elizabeth:

1. What would you do if you won the Powerball Lotto?
2. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?
3. If you could trade lives with anyone (from any period of time), who would you trade with?
4. Morning person or night owl?
5. Do you listen to music when you write or does it have to be silent?
6. What do you love most about your husband?
7. What is it about your husband that drives you absolutely insane?
8. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
9. If your life were to become a movie, who would you want to play you?
10. Your desk – messy or neat?
11. What are you reading right now?

Again, thank you so much Demetria for choosing me. It is truly an honor. And check back tomorrow when I accept Liebster Award #2 from another skirt! blogger – my bestie Tina. Her questions are kind of mean. (I would expect nothing less!) I think you’ll enjoy watching me squirm as I answer them!