Throwback Thursday: Originally posted on the now-defunct skirt.com on February 7, 2011
If I were a smart blogger who wrote about topical issues in hopes of getting a lot of hits I would probably write about the Super Bowl or Super Bowl commercials. But sadly I am not. I did go to a Super Bowl party, but spent most of it drinking too much, eating even more, ignoring my children, and gossiping with my girlfriends. I didn’t see much of the game or many of the commercials. I even missed the commercial for the new Bradley Cooper movie because I was in the bathroom. I know…
So instead I will be writing about my friend Heidi* and her granny panties…
Last Tuesday I had one of those days. Actually, that’s not entirely true, but I did have an hour where everything seemed to crash down on me at once like the Mexican train dominoes my kids set up on the entry tile and then take down with a flick of their fingers.
Well it sure seemed like someone was flicking their finger at me.
I was driving to pick up my son from school to take him to the orthodontist when my cell phone rang. I saw that it was my friend Heidi.
“Hey,” I said, completely agitated.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Argh, nothing. Sorry. I’m just bleh.”
I told her that the reason for my extreme crankiness was that because literally in the last half hour:
-I got a rejection email for an essay I had submitted for publication.
-Realized I was late posting an article that I had yet to write.
-Tried printing Chandler’s bus pass application that was due the week before and jammed the printer.
-By the time I had the printer un-jammed and the application printed I was late picking up Marley from school.
-Being late also made me get stuck in the daily high school traffic jam I do my best to avoid at all costs.
-This made me so late in picking up Chandler that not only was he sure to be late to his appointment, but there was no possible way for me to turn in the stupid buss pass application and I would have to go back to the school again the next day.
Sigh…I do not know why I continue to invite Procrastination and Un-organization over to hang out with me when they have proven time and time again to be crappy ass friends.
“And to top it off I forgot my Bluetooth so I’ll probably get a ticket the way the last half hour is going.”
“Well put me on speaker because I can make you laugh,” she said.
So I put her on speaker and held the phone near the top of the steering wheel in the way that Californians without Bluetooths do as if this will prevent us from getting a ticket.
“Remember I told you that I tripped last week and my knee has been bothering me since then. Well I went to the doctor today and figured I would wear a skirt so it would be easier for him to look at my knee. I sat on his bench and he said, ‘Okay I need you to lie back and raise your leg up and bend it.’”
“Uh oh. Were you wearing a pencil skirt?” I asked.
“No, I was wearing this long flowing skirt, so the doctor kind of lifted it up and tried to arrange it so I wasn’t flashing him, which I probably wouldn’t have been if I had just been wearing a thong, but I was wearing Spanx. My doctor lifts my leg and the skirt slides against the slickness of the Spanx and there I am completely exposed wearing flaw-fixing underwear. And of course my doctor is really young and cute and hello there I am wearing total granny panties. I could tell that even though he’s a doctor and has probably seen it all he really wasn’t expecting to see that. There he is, moving my leg this way and that way and at one point I even had my leg over his shoulder so he could feel what was going on with my knee when I pushed down and the whole time he’s trying to arrange my skirt so the Spanx aren’t showing, but my skirt keeps sliding up my leg and my granny panties keep popping out.”
I picture my friend lying back with her leg in the air trying to flirt with her cute doctor and just pretend that the granny panties aren’t there. Hysterical!
She really did make me laugh. My bad mood was immediately lifted. And I didn’t get a ticket.
Other than the rejection letter I guess it wasn’t such a bad day after all.
*Heidi is not my friend’s real name. I would kill for her figure. I don’t know what the hell she was doing wearing Spanx.
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