My Best Friend Wears Granny Panties

Throwback Thursday: Originally posted on the now-defunct skirt.com on February 7, 2011

If I were a smart blogger who wrote about topical issues in hopes of getting a lot of hits I would probably write about the Super Bowl or Super Bowl commercials.  But sadly I am not.  I did go to a Super Bowl party, but spent most of it drinking too much, eating even more, ignoring my children, and gossiping with my girlfriends.  I didn’t see much of the game or many of the commercials.  I even missed the commercial for the new Bradley Cooper movie because I was in the bathroom.  I know…

So instead I will be writing about my friend Heidi* and her granny panties…

Last Tuesday I had one of those days.  Actually, that’s not entirely true, but I did have an hour where everything seemed to crash down on me at once like the Mexican train dominoes my kids set up on the entry tile and then take down with a flick of their fingers.

Well it sure seemed like someone was flicking their finger at me.

I was driving to pick up my son from school to take him to the orthodontist when my cell phone rang.  I saw that it was my friend Heidi.

“Hey,” I said, completely agitated.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Argh, nothing.  Sorry.  I’m just bleh.”

“What?”

I told her that the reason for my extreme crankiness was that because literally in the last half hour:

-I got a rejection email for an essay I had submitted for publication.

-Realized I was late posting an article that I had yet to write.

-Tried printing Chandler’s bus pass application that was due the week before and jammed the printer.

-By the time I had the printer un-jammed and the application printed I was late picking up Marley from school.

-Being late also made me get stuck in the daily high school traffic jam I do my best to avoid at all costs.

-This made me so late in picking up Chandler that not only was he sure to be late to his appointment, but there was no possible way for me to turn in the stupid buss pass application and I would have to go back to the school again the next day.

Sigh…I do not know why I continue to invite Procrastination and Un-organization over to hang out with me when they have proven time and time again to be crappy ass friends.

“And to top it off I forgot my Bluetooth so I’ll probably get a ticket the way the last half hour is going.”

“Well put me on speaker because I can make you laugh,” she said.

So I put her on speaker and held the phone near the top of the steering wheel in the way that Californians without Bluetooths do as if this will prevent us from getting a ticket.

“Remember I told you that I tripped last week and my knee has been bothering me since then.  Well I went to the doctor today and figured I would wear a skirt so it would be easier for him to look at my knee.  I sat on his bench and he said, ‘Okay I need you to lie back and raise your leg up and bend it.’”

“Uh oh.  Were you wearing a pencil skirt?” I asked.

“No, I was wearing this long flowing skirt, so the doctor kind of lifted it up and tried to arrange it so I wasn’t flashing him, which I probably wouldn’t have been if I had just been wearing a thong, but I was wearing Spanx.  My doctor lifts my leg and the skirt slides against the slickness of the Spanx and there I am completely exposed wearing flaw-fixing underwear.  And of course my doctor is really young and cute and hello there I am wearing total granny panties.  I could tell that even though he’s a doctor and has probably seen it all he really wasn’t expecting to see that.  There he is, moving my leg this way and that way and at one point I even had my leg over his shoulder so he could feel what was going on with my knee when I pushed down and the whole time he’s trying to arrange my skirt so the Spanx aren’t showing, but my skirt keeps sliding up my leg and my granny panties keep popping out.”

I picture my friend lying back with her leg in the air trying to flirt with her cute doctor and just pretend that the granny panties aren’t there.  Hysterical!

She really did make me laugh.  My bad mood was immediately lifted.  And I didn’t get a ticket.

Other than the rejection letter I guess it wasn’t such a bad day after all.

*Heidi is not my friend’s real name.  I would kill for her figure. I don’t know what the hell she was doing wearing Spanx.

My tweets are even lamer than my blog posts (but at least they’re short.) If lameness is your thing follow me on Twitter @Rossgirl08

And if you’re really feeling generous like me on Facebook!

Hello, What Brings You Here?

I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.

My biggest search by far are these brown boots:

brown boots for fall
Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!

Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…

(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)

But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)

My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.

You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the masses dozens from across the web to my little blog.

Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bugThis refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look,  if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.

Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.

Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)

Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?

Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.

Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!

Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.

hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!

Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!

Bradley Cooper girlfriendduh, it’s me!

Adam Ant girlfriend – hello… Me!

Tom Westman girlfriend – yes, also me.

2013 Obama bangs inspiration I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!

is gas x yummy – no it is not.

what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.

poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.

Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.

And lastly…

cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.

If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!

A Blog of my Own

Wordpress blogging
Early morning blogging

I’ve been blogging for skirt! since July of 2008 – four wonderful years. It’s been great. I truly love it.  I’ve gotten to express myself through my crazy jumble of words and friends and strangers alike have told me that they like what I do and that many times I’ve brought them to laughter and sometimes to tears. (Which of course is what every writer strives for – well, maybe not every writer – but certainly this one.)

I’ve gotten some opportunities to do some pretty cool things. Spanx invited skirt! to a pre-Oscar gifting suite last year and since the wonderful women who run skirt! are in Georgia and I’m out here in Los Angeles I’m the one who got to go and get the awesome gift bag full of booty. (Yes, pun intended!) I also got to attend a fun press lunch at a chi chi Beverly Hills hotel, have been given earrings, concert tickets, books and even some beer.

Spanx Booty bus at Beverly Hilton pre-Oscar gifting suite
Riding the Spanx Booty Bus

But the absolute best thing about blogging for skirt! is the other bloggers I’ve met. Both skirt! bloggers and women with fabulous blogs of their own – Tina, Kim R., Elizabeth, Cheryl, Kim P., Julie, Renee, and Ginger (and many, many others) – mwah, I love, Love, LOVE you ladies. My life is truly better because I’ve had the privilege to read the beautiful words that spill out of your soul and onto my computer screen. I cherish the friendships we have created.

But blogging for skirt!, as wonderful as it has been, has held me back in some ways too. The comfort, security, community and the built-in readership has kept me from starting a blog of my own. But now I think I’m ready. Now I think it’s time.

So with quite a bit of help from the blogging goddess Kim Tracy Prince, I’m jumping in with both feet and starting my own site. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s all mine. Hopefully it will inspire me to write more often. We’ll see.

As you can see my web address is www.charleneaross.wordpress.com. I had to use my middle initial because someone already stole www.charleneross.com even though they aren’t currently using it. (Rude!) And I have the wordpress in my address because I’m too freaking cheap to pay the $18 to get rid of it. Baby steps. One day I’ll pay it. Just not today.

You’ll notice there are a few posts before this. They are just skirt! blogs that I’ve double posted to get my feet wet in this WordPress world. I’ve still got a lot to learn about the “insides” of a website. But hopefully you won’t mind reading my crazy jumble of words while I learn.

My hope is that this site will not be “Look at me, look at me” (though let’s be honest, I do like when people look at me as long as I’ve had time to do my hair and make-up!), but more of a “hey this really cool-funny-ridiculous-happy-terrible-or-mundane thing happened to me and this is how it made me feel – do you ever feel that way too?” As a writer my hope is to connect with people. And to make them laugh. Most of the time my goal is to make people laugh. (And not because I stepped outside without my hair and make-up done!)

Please feel free to leave a comment so I know you’ve stopped by. (And yes, it’s sooo much easier than leaving a comment on skirt!)

And as always, thank you so much for reading.

bodyheART

I ❤ my body.

Well, not really. But I’m trying to.

About a week ago I went to an amazing seminar called BodyheART at my gym. The seminar was started by a woman named Amber Krzys who spent the first 31 years of her life hating her body and the last 3 years loving it. She wants to teach other women to love their bodies too.

Well, I’m older than Amber and therefore have been hating my body for a lot longer than she hated hers. Her body-loving-soul-searching process took her 9 months.  In the seminar that I took she spoke for an hour. You can only learn to love your body so much in an hour. I think I still have a ways to go.

I do admit that once I reached my 40’s I started hating my body less. (Most days.) Of course that’s actually quite ironic because it was around the time I turned 40 that my metabolism, whom I thought I’d had a pretty good relationship with, decided to flip me the middle finger and go on strike. I’m not quite sure what I did to piss her off so much and I sure wish she would go back to working like she used to, but I don’t think that will be happening. I think she’s done. I probably made her too tired by eating too many cheeseburgers washed down with margaritas and expecting her to work overtime.

I hear she gets even more pissed off when I turn 50. (I can hardly wait!)

Yes, when I reached the age of 40 a few years back I took a good long look in the mirror and realized that my thighs poked out of my legs in a perfect imitation of a potato sack stuffed into a too-small sausage casing my entire post-pubescent life. If I had thunder thighs at twenty, they certainly weren’t going suddenly turn into the graceful gams of a freak-of-nature-supermodel beach volleyball player at forty.

I’m not trying to say that I learned to love my body, but I pretty much just shrugged my shoulders and realized that this is the body I’m intended to have. I try to work out 3-4 days a week (more like 1 or 2) and cut back on the cheeseburgers so my metabolism will quit being the enemy.

I even tried taking the words “I’m so fat” out of my vocabulary. Except at night when I get ready for bed and the florescent light in my bathroom hits my arms just right and accentuates every little dimple of fat – then all bets are off.

And yes, my stomach that used to be as flat as a board no many how many French fries I stuffed into it now has a tiny little pooch. Okay, okay, some days that pooch isn’t so tiny. But as I look around, I notice that many of my post-40 friends have tiny little pooches too. I think they are kind of cute. Well, my friend’s pooches are cute. Mine drives me fucking insane. But I just suck it in, pull on a Spanx cami and remind myself that I could have a flat stomach once again if I never ate carbs and worked out 7 days a week.  I’ll choose French fries and a little self-loathing over that any day.

But I want to try to be kinder to myself.

During the seminar Amber had us close our eyes and do a couple of visualization exercises. We were sitting on the floor of the aerobics studio of the gym and I was wearing jeans and sitting criss cross and as I closed my eyes all I could think of was how my fat belly pushed against my jeans. Here I was at a seminar trying to learn how to love myself more and the first thing I was doing was hating myself.

The visualization exercises that Amber had us do really moved me and actually filled my eyes with tears.

The second hour of the BodyheART seminar is a photo session where you take two photos. Amber draws a heart on your face and a heart on your favorite part of your body and photographs you.

Ugh! My favorite part of my body?!

I was seriously considering having my feet photographed.

I actually think I have cute feet. (As long as you’re not looking at the kankle ankle part.)

I really didn’t know what part to have photographed and didn’t know what to wear. I was feeling icky and ugly and fat and didn’t want to go.

So of course I had to go. I don’t want to feel like that about myself anymore. I’m too fucking old for that shit. I really am. I really like myself at this age. I want to like my body too.

My favorite part of my body is my waist which, when you compare it to the junk I’ve got going on in my trunk, looks really small.

Okay, I’ll stop and be kind to myself. I do have a small waist, but like I said I’ve got a bit of a belly right now. And some serious muffin top back fat so I didn’t want to be photographed from the back either. And I couldn’t decide on what to wear to have my waist photographed so I chose to have my heart drawn on my left breast and have that photographed.

Oh calm down, I didn’t have to take anything off. My boobs are small – especially for my height, but I actually like the fact that they’re small. I hate wearing a bra and usually end up ripping it off and going braless when I get home. (Unless my son has his friends over – then I cover up – I’m not that mom!)

But my breasts are semi-perky (you know for being so emptied out after nursing two babies for 6 months each) and I have a little mole on the cleavage of my left breast that I think looks sexy when I wear a push-up bra.

bodyheART
photo taken by Autumn Lee

I want to say that I love my pictures, but I have to be honest… I don’t. I think I look older than I am – I don’t like the dark circles under my eyes. But I chose to think it’s the lighting and not my face. I will say that I don’t think my arm looks fat (and I always think my arms look fat) and I think that little bit of cleavage I’m rocking looks pretty good.

bodyheART campaign

And one of the things Amber taught us is that all actresses’ and models’ photographs are retouched. So the fact that I don’t love these photos is okay. I know that if I had this photo retouched it could look something more like this after…

celebrity retouch photo
Even Nicolette Sheridan (who is gorgeous) looks better after a retouch!)

So while I did not leave the bodyheART seminar loving my body I do notice that even two weeks later I hate my body less. I’ve even gained two pounds since that day (thank you Easter candy) and haven’t beat myself up about it.

There was such a beautiful energy in the room during the seminar and the photo shoot. Look at these beautiful women I got to spend the day with. (The photo shoot was a blast.)

bodyheart campaign

I know that there is no perfect face. There is no perfect body. I’m trying to teach myself that my body is just perfect for me.

To learn more about the bodyheART campaign and see what REAL women look like un-retouchedclick here.

Follow me on Twitter @Rossgirl08 and connect with me on Facebook.

 

This blog was originally posted on skirt.com on April 25, 2011.