Hello, What Brings You Here?

I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.

My biggest search by far are these brown boots:

brown boots for fall
Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!

Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…

(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)

But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)

My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.

You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the masses dozens from across the web to my little blog.

Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bugThis refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look,  if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.

Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.

Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)

Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?

Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.

Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!

Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.

hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!

Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!

Bradley Cooper girlfriendduh, it’s me!

Adam Ant girlfriend – hello… Me!

Tom Westman girlfriend – yes, also me.

2013 Obama bangs inspiration I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!

is gas x yummy – no it is not.

what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.

poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.

Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.

And lastly…

cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.

If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!

8 thoughts on “Hello, What Brings You Here?

  1. My Odyssey posts bring lots of searches. I don’t even know what they are looking for…

    “what is the crossing the threshold in the books 1-4”
    “what are the thresholds monsters?”

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