Sipping in the Suburbs at Sipurbia

Last weekend was reserved for two things: unpacking my living room and going to Sipurbia. My living room has been in boxes since we had our floors redone last year and I needed to get it unpacked and put back together once and for all. (Yes, I said last year, but it was December. And I’m a busy person. So shut up.)

sunday funday at wine and beer tasting event sipurbia
Sunday Funday at #Sipurbia

 

But we were hit with an unexpected flood (I guess all floods are unexpected) due to a home plumbing repair gone wrong. So instead of returning my living room to its former glory, I spent most of the weekend mitigating the damage of the flood. Which included (but was definitely not limited to) emptying all of the books off five floor to ceiling book shelves. And then re-shelving them. (Thank you, Mom and Aunt Debbie – I couldn’t have done it without you.)

But this is not a story about the flood, or the brand new floorboards that need to be replaced (not all of them – just a few), or my disaster living room that keeps me from having company over to my house.

It’s a story about an unlimited wine and beer tasting event called Sipurbia.

Because who says no to that? (Not me!)

So, on Sunday afternoon when we finished our damage control (with the help of my mom and step-dad – again, THANK YOU!), instead of tackling the living room or (you know,) resting, we decided to go to Sipurbia as we had originally planned.

Because as my mom said to me Sunday morning, “You like to do everything.” And she is not wrong. (I like to have fun.)

Sipurbia was held just a few miles away from my house at Paramount Ranch, a national park where they have filmed literally hundreds of movies and TV shows including American Sniper (which must be why my friend Karin saw Bradley Cooper in Westlake Village a few years ago, because why the hell else would he be in Westlake Village?) and HBO’s Westworld. Plus the event benefited an awesome charity called the BumbleBee Foundation, so the beer and wine weren’t the only things there to make you feel good!

Westworld Church Paramount Ranch
Selfie time in front of the Westworld church.

Because I am a nice wife I acquiesced volunteered to drive, so my wine drinking was limited, but my lucky husband’s beer drinking was unlimited. (Very unlimited – everyone was extremely generous with their pours.) My favorite wine was Cielo (so good) and Dave’s favorite beer was Santa Monica Brew Works (he thinks – remember his beer tasting was unlimited).

In addition to taking selfies, we stopped by the cutest photo booth in the world, Shutter Bus Co. and posed for some fun photo booth photos.

VW Bus Shutter Bus Co Photo Booth
Seriously, how cute is this photo booth?

 

I drank a little more wine. Dave drank a lot more beer. We shopped at the stalls and danced to the Spazmatics, which everyone knows is the best 80’s cover band on the planet.

Spazmatics best 80's cover band in the world
Day drinking meets day dancing – what could be better?

 

And we ran into a bunch of our friends. Including my friend Kim (AKA Agoura Hills Mom) and her husband Stewart.

suburban friends at sipurbia
One of these days we’ll learn to take selfies without cutting half of someone’s face off. (Sorry, Kim!)

 

Who knew life in the suburbs could be so fun. (Actually, I totally knew that.)

When we were talking about our weekends at the office on Monday a twenty-two year old said to me, “You have the most fun life.” (I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m trying.)

A co-worker (much) closer to my age said, “You are always doing something. You have really embraced this age.” (I don’t know if that’s true either. But I’m trying.)

And while my house (and quite possibly my life) might be a total disaster, one thing is for sure: I’m definitely having fun.

 

 

Frosted Cowboy: The Movie

My friend Julie told me recently that a friend of hers heard from someone in their book club that Frosted Cowboy was going to be made into a movie and the rights sold for a million dollars. Yes, you heard that right – my book being made into a movie for $1,000,000! (Look at all those zeros!)

Only… it was news to me.

How do rumors like this get started? Although please, if you happen to be good friends with a big time Hollywood producer and think that by telling them my book was offered one million dollars for rights to the screenplay and it might intrigue them so much that they offer me $1,100,000 and start a bidding war (against no one), then by all means feel free to spread this rumor. But otherwise, nope, (sadly) 100% not true.

But what if it was?

Daydreaming
My book, a movie!

 

Like most authors (probably), I’ve always pictured my book as a movie. In fact there is so much dialog in my book I’ve often said that it would probably make a better movie than it does a book. (Plus, there’s some serious hilarious physical comedy in there – if I do say so myself.)

But who would play Laney, Tom, Jake, Angel and Natalie?

When I first started writing Frosted Cowboy I pictured Sandra Bullock as Laney. At 36 Sandra Bullock was just four years older than Laney (who is 32).

sandra-bullock-red-hair
The original Laney Delaney

The problem is life kept getting in the way and it took me a wee bit longer to write the book than I first imagined and while Laney remained 32, Sandra did not have that luxury, so she became too old. (Don’t feel bad Sandy, it happened to me too.)

As time went on I began to picture Drew Barrymore as Laney Delaney, because, like Laney (and Sandra Bullock), she is super adorable.

Drew Barrymore
Drew would make an adorable Laney!

In fact, I had originally pictured Cameron Diaz as Natalie, so what if the Charlie’s Angels ladies reunited and Drew Barrymore played Laney, Cameron Diaz played Natalie and Lucy Liu played Kim? I am a casting genius!

cameron-diaz-lucy-liu-drew-barrymore-charlie's-angels
Fabulous!

Can’t picture it? Then how about this…

cameron-diaz-lucy-liu-drew-barrymore-charlie's-angels
Seriously, how cute would they be as Kim, Natalie and Laney?

But the same thing that happened to poor Sandra Bullock happened to these lovely ladies. They continued to age, while Laney did not.

I also pictured Tom being played by Tom Cruise. At the time he was about 10 years older than Laney’s Tom, but he looked like this so who cares.

Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise when he was hot. Okay, he’s still pretty hot. How about, Tom Cruise before we knew he was crazy.

And also, he had not yet done this:

Tom Cruise Couch Jumping
No one can ever un-see this moment.

But now, like the ladies, he is too old. (And also, just crazy.)

Jake was originally Brad Pitt in my head.

Young Brad Pitt
The perfect bad boy

But Brad got old like the rest of them so he became Bradley Cooper. (Yes, I realize that Bradley Cooper is also too old, but I don’t care. Because Bradley Cooper!)

Bradley-Cooper-shirtless
Yeah, I chose a picture of Bradley Cooper shirtless (and made it bigger than all the other pictures). You’re welcome.

And of course, Angel would be played by Angelina Jolie. (Who else?)

angelina-jolie
Angel looks like a devil, indeed.

But that was the original cast of Frosted Cowboy. Should we meet the 2016 cast?

I love Anne Hathaway. She’s got the lips, is super funny and even looks great with red hair.

Anne Hathaway
My new perfect Laney Delaney!

Sure, she’s too skinny, but maybe she could fatten up ala Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’s Diary. (BTW, it is my goal in life to be as “fat” as Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones.)

Renee-Zellweger
I love Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones so much that I almost forgive her for once being Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend.

A few people have told me they see Zooey Dechenel in the lead role. I have to admit she fits the adorable/funny/awesome requirement that is Laney Delaney.

zooey-deschanel
Zooey Deschanel – adorable, just like Laney Delaney

In the book Tom looks like Chris Pine, and I do find him super dreamy,

chris-pine
Could he be the man who steals Laney’s heart? (He can certainly have mine!)

but lately I’ve been picturing him as more of a Liam Hemsworth.

liam-hemsworth
Hmmm… Chris Pine might have to move over!

And okay, okay, maybe my boyfriend Bradley Cooper is too old to play Jake. Maybe we could get Liam’s brother Chris to join the cast.

chris-hemsworth
Um… Bradley who?

Of course the Hemsworth brothers, being brothers and all, perhaps do look too much alike to believably play two men who are un-related. But look at them:

Liam-Hemsworth-Chris-Hemsworth
Tom & Jake? What do you think?

Does it really matter?!

I think Margot Robbie would make a spectacular Natalie.

margot-robbie
Blonde: check. Gorgeous: check. Skinny: check. The perfect Natalie.

And for the impossibly beautiful, sexy siren Angel? How about Megan Fox?

megan-fox
Move over Angelina, there’s a new Angel in town!

 

Of course there are so many other characters to cast (in fact I’ve been told more than once, too many) -Kim, Amanda, Alison, Kyle, Abbie & George- but I’m running out of time (and quite possibly your attention), so I’ll stop now.

But I’d love to know, who would you cast in the movie version of Frosted Cowboy? (And if you haven’t read it yet, what are you waiting for? Buy it here. Now!)

frosted cowboy cover

 

Internet scoured, photos found here: Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Bradley CooperRenee Zellweger, Anne Hathaway, Zooey Deschanel, Chris Pine, Liam Hemsworth, Chris HemsworthHemsworth brothers, Margot Robbie, Megan Fox

What’s on Your Twitter Feed?

Marley has a friend (who shall remain nameless) who recently sent her this text:

snarky-teenage-texts
Hey… wait a minute…

 

Now that’s some funny shit. And it seems like it would be completely accurate. I mean what else is Twitter for but:

  • Stalking your daughter’s rants & band obsessions
  • Tweeting to wineries about how awesome they are in hopes they will mistake you for someone who is influential and send you a free case of their wine (hasn’t happened yet, but a girl can dream)
  • Retweeting @dailyhotguy’s half-naked hot dude pics (If you are unfamiliar with @dailyhotguy here’s one their tweets from Thanksgiving – that I did not retweet, BTW!)
henry-cavill-shirtless
Um, yep, even with a silly turkey hat, shirtless Henry Cavill is still hot!

But the thing is…

Hey. Hey! Quit looking at Henry! Get your eyes back on the words. Thank you.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah. The thing is, while it seems like that would be an accurate portrayal of my Twitter feed, it really isn’t. At least not lately.

Recently I’ve tweeted about…

Authors’ books or writers’ websites (and okay, okay, maybe my book or website)

tweets-about-books
So… I might be a tad self-promoting

 

Country music lyrics (don’t judge)

tweets-about-jake-owen
I can’t believe Jake Owen didn’t tweet me back professing his undying love for me!

 

Bradley Cooper

tweets-about-Bradley-Cooper
That Barbara Walters is a hussy!

 

Yeah, I know. My tweets are kind of lame.

And, okay, I do tweet about wine, but not that much.

tweets about wine
So far no free cases of wine.

 

And the last time I tweeted a picture of a half-naked dude was in July. Of 2014!!!

half-naked-guy-on-twitter
Yep! Totally worth it!

 

So, while hilariously funny, I don’t think Marley’s friend’s assessment of my Twitter feed is all that accurate. Though perhaps if it was my feed would be more interesting.

(Note to self: More tweets about half naked dudes and wine!)

 

You can find me on Twitter as @rossgirl08. And here are some other super cool people to follow: @BookStarDaily, @dailyhotguy, @kimtracyprince, & @theskimm

P.S. Sorry for the uber shitty quality of my Twitter snips. Going to see if I can fix that. (You know, in all my free time!) 🙂

 

 

 

 

My 2015 Snarky Oscar Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them)

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I used to enjoy the Oscars  a lot more when I used to actually see movies. Out of the eight movies nominated for Best Picture I saw exactly one, The Grand Budapest Hotel. And  I loved it dearly so of course I was rooting for it (even though I knew it wouldn’t win).

But oh, how I do adore the red carpet. Because I’m pretty sure that when people think of me the first think they think of is  what a fashion icon I am. Seriously, no one can rock off-the-rack (from Target) like I can.

The Red Carpet

Dakota Johnson looked fabulous, but what happened to her mother’s face? (One too many trips under the knife – that’s what.) I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed the mother-daughter bickering on the red carpet between the two about Melanie’s refusal to see Dakota’s soft porn performance in FSOG (even though she was “so proud” of her).

Dakota-Johnson-Melanie-Griffith-Oscars-2015
Is it me or is Melanie Griffith starting to look like Joan Rivers?

And speaking of soft porn, John Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen looked gorgeous, but I kept expecting to see Chrissy give a Lindsay-Lohan-getting-out-of-a-limo-type red carpet peep show with the slit in that dress.

2015-oscar-Chrissy-Teigen-John-Legend-Academy-Awards

Julianne  Moore looked stunning. I loved her dress (which does not look great against this background, but trust me, it’s gorgeous), just adored her side-swept chignon, and those earrings (that you cannot see in this picture)? I must have them!

2015-oscars-julianne-moore
Gorgeous!

I thought Jennifer Lopez’s dress was beautiful (I’m a sucker for a ballgown), but whoever did her make-up needs to be fired. Immediately. You can’t really tell from the photos, but her pink lipstick was hideous and her pink eye shadow was a mess. (If you saw her red carpet interview, you know what I’m talking about.)

2015-oscar-jennifer-lopez
Those pink lips have to go!

Rosamund Pike’s red dress paired with understated hair and jewelry was stunning. Stunning! (I know I just used that word to describe Julianne Moore, but if you can think of a better one please let me know.) I think her dress was my favorite.

2015 Oscar-Rosamund Pike

I love Scarlet Johansson’s dress. I’m not sure how I feel about that necklace. And I have to ask, what the hell did she do to her hair?

2015-Oscar-Scarlet-Johansson
When did Scarlet Johansson start going to Miley Cyrus’s hairdresser?

And Gywneth Paltrow, whose website Goop loves to tell us how much better our lives could be if we partook in V steams and purchased $350 cut-off shorts might want to make her own life better by hiring a different stylist. Because this dress? NO! That hair? Yuck! But I will say, those earrings are FAB!

2015-Oscars-Gwyneth-Paltrow

I really like Naomi Watts, but I do not like her dress at all. Except for the length it looks more like something you’d wear out clubbing.

2015-oscars-naomi-watts
That bandeau is not working for me.

The Awards

Okay, okay, enough of this red carpet business and onto a quick Academy Awards recap.

Opening number by Neil Patrick Harris, Anna Kendrick and Jack Black? -Fantastic!

I just loved JK Simmons  thank you speech. What a lovely tribute to his wife. If my husband ever wins any kind of award that requires a speech he should just copy that speech.

In fact after watching that speech, I realized what it is I love so much about the awards and why I continue to watch them even when I don’t see the movies – it’s the acceptance speeches. I know this sounds corny, but watching people be filled with so much gratitude really does make me teary eyed and just, well, happy.

Speaking of acceptance speeches if you missed this one by Pawel Pawlikowski, the winner of the Best Foreign Language Film, you must watch it here. I had never heard of him before last night, but I am now madly in love with him and have decided he must be mine!

Michael Keaton really needs to learn how to chew gum in a more gentlemanly manner.

Ironically during the bit about seat fillers, I noticed the seat next to Jared Leto was empty. I really need to figure out a way to be a seat filler next year. I would take the job much more seriously. In fact I’d take it so seriously that if I was sitting next to Jared Leto I wouldn’t even get up when the person who was supposed be sitting there came back from the bathroom. Though he might ask me to leave because I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from giving him some well-needed fashion advice.

The Everything is Awesome musical number was #AWESOME. I need to call my sister and tell her to have her Lego-loving twins to make me a Lego Oscar statue. (It would make an excellent birthday present. Hint, hint!)

I wanted to snark on Patricia Arquette for looking like she rolled out of bed, put her hair in a messy ponytail and threw on a dress she found at Macy’s but I loved her heartfelt and impassioned speech so much that I’ve decided not to mention it.

2015-oscars -patricia-arquette
To you, Patricia Arquette, I say, “Go, Girl!”

The night really was full of tear-inducing speeches. Another one that you just have to watch is Graham Moore’s, the writer of The Imitation Game. And show your kids. Because it’s important. Even if they aren’t weird.

And OMG – who knew Lady Gaga could sing like that? Not me! Her tribute to Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music truly wowed me.

Eddie Redmayne’s speech was adorable and Julianne Moore’s speech was touching and fabulous. I’m over the red carpet, it really was all about the speeches for me.

2015-oscars-awards-julianne-moore
Happy Lady, you are fabulous!

And to my boyfriend Bradley Cooper, I’m so sorry you didn’t win (again). But like I told you last year, if you need someone to comfort you, you know where to find me.

2015-oscars-bradley-cooper-academy-awards
Swoon!

My Snarky 2015 Golden Globe Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Make Them)

The Golden Globes did not go so well for me this year. In fact as I write this (while the staff at the Beverly Hilton are cleaning up the ballroom and the stars are party-hopping) I have not yet seen the awards show.

I know!

I started to watch the red carpet on E! and NBC – switching back and forth between the two while furiously taking notes, but then I got hijacked. Chandler has been struggling with a college essay all weekend and has asked me for some help editing. Apparently getting into a good school trumps Golden Globe snarkiness. (Whatever.) So I’ve been forced to set my DVR, turn off the TV, so I can help my son get into the college of his dreams so he can move out of my house and leave me forever. Ahh… motherhood.

But who needs TV when we have the internet? (That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?) I’ve done my red carpet research (between editing essay drafts) and I think I’ve got a pretty good list of what worked and what most certainly didn’t.

May I present my 2015 Golden Globe Red Carpet Review…

Let’s just get right down to it and start with the best, shall we? Selma Hayek is the most beautiful woman in the world. Period. The dress is simple and elegant. Her hair is soft and gorgeous, her make-up is subtle and the  accessories are spot-on. Love the  belt. Love the bow in her side-swept hair. Perfection.

 

 

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Selma-Hayack
Stunning!

 

As opposed to Kate Mara -who admittedly maybe I’m just really pissed off at for disclosing a very huge House of Cards spoiler while on the red carpet with Kevin Spacey. (Well, it’s a huge spoiler if you’re currently binge watching season one, like some people!)  But, Kate? That belt? NO! That belt would be fine with jean, but that pretty red dress you’re wearing, I will repeat, no, no, no, No, NO!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Kate-Mara
Ditch that belt, Kate!

 

I like Allison Williams red dress, but I don’t like her hair one bit. It’s like she can’t decide if she want to wear is soft or pull it back tight. (And you can’t see it in this photo, but her side part was too wide and horrific.)

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Allison-Williams

 

 

And speaking of bad hair… Julianna Margulies – WTF? And that dress? I’m just not sure. It’s pretty, but reminds me a bit of a Christmas table cloth. I like the top part of it a lot, but that wide hem at the bottom is just weird. It’s not hideous, but it’s not gorgeous either.

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Julianna-Margulies
Meh

 

Ladies, this is how it’s done. Gorgeous dress. Simple hair and make-up. Boom!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Taylor-Schilling
Orange may be the new black, but Taylor Schilling looks devine in red!

And speaking of how it’s done – Matt Bomer makes me say, “Bradley who?”

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Matt-Bomer
Please take me home with you.

 

Kit Harington, ditto!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Kit-Harrington
Oh yes, yes please!

 

But Clive Owen? I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but you’d definitely have to take off that jacket (and those shiny pants) before I let you in. (Velvet, really?)

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Clive-Owen
Sigh…

 

Kate Beckinsale gives the most beautiful woman in the world, Selma Hayek a run for her money. Love, love, love everything about this. Stunning!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Kate-Beckinsale
This look is a winner!

 

These women have obviously made a deal with the devil. Jane Fonda is 77 years only and Lily Tomlin is 75. I am not a fan of Jane’s dress and Lily (who is dressed wonderfully aged appropriately) needs to stand up straight, but there is no denying these women look fantastic!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Jane-Fonda-and-Lily-Tomlin
You ladies look fabulous!

 

Speaking of making a deal with the devil, Jennifer Lopez is 45 years old, people! 45!!! The thing is, she really needs to start dressing like it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she looks incredible. But the dress? I think it’s a bit much. I mean just because she can wear it, doesn’t necessarily mean she should wear it.

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Jennifer-Lopez
I think this dress requires an entire roll of tape to keep it in place.

And while we’re talking about things that shouldn’t be worn. Rosamund Pike? That dress? Uh, nope.com! It looks like it’s about to fall off. And in a very uncomfortable way. It is not sexy, it’s just weird.

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Rosamund-Pike
Ill-fitting and weird-looking. NO!

 

And speaking of weird, I never thought I’d say this, but I actually thought Lena Dunham looked lovely in her red Zac Posen dress.

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Lena-Dunham
Very tasteful and pretty

It pains me to say this because I love and adore Maggie Gyllenhaal and could actually picture her as the lead in the movie version (that is sure to be made) of my book (that will certainly one day be published), but her dress looks like something from the discount bin at David’s Bridal that she hemmed herself five minutes before her limo arrived. And she need  a necklace.

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Maggie-Gyllenhaal
Looks like she found out she was coming to the awards at the last minute and grabbed an old bridesmaid’s dress out of her closet.

 

And while we’re talking about people I love and adore who missed the mark. Melissa McCarthy? The bottom of your dress? A+ That bowtie and stupid blousy part at the top? F-!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Maggie-Gyllenhaal
A+ bottom + F- top still = F!

 

But I think Keira Knightly definitely takes the Golden Globe for Worst Dress of The Night. (What the hell IS that? A butterfly exhibit?!)

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Keira-Knightley-and-James-Righton
Sometimes there simply are no words

 

And Golden Globe for the Worst Tuxedo? What the What, Bill Murray!

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Bill-Murray
Bill Murray seems confused that he’s attending a formal event.

 

But let’s end this on a high note, shall we? Jenna Dewan-Tatum, you look elegantly stunning.

Golden-Globes-2015-Red-Carpet-Jenna-Dewan-Tatum
Beautiful dress and love the hair. Simple. Elegant. Stunning!

 

What did you think of the 2015 Golden Globe Red Carpet looks? Who did I miss? Or do you think I missed the mark? I’d love to hear your comments below.

All photos stolen kindly borrowed from Mashable.

 

 

 

 

 

You’ve Got Spam

I’ve become lazy with my blog. No. Make that blazy. (Have you noticed?)

But that hasn’t stopped the spam from coming. Usually it gets detected by my Akismet app, goes directly into the spam folder and I ignore it. I do skim the folder occasionally. Usually it’s someone hawking SEO or designer purses or weight loss pills in poorly worded English. Something like this:

It was hard to find your posts in google. I found it on 17 place, you should build a lot of quality backlinks , it will help you to get more visitors. I know how to help you, just search in google – k2 seo tricks

Thanks, but I like to keep my blog hard to find. You know, exclusive. Like one of those trendy clubs without a name or address on the door. Keep the riff raff (and 99.999999% of the blog reading population) out.

Sometimes the spam will compliment my writing in hopes of me clicking onto their website. (I guess?)

I especially like this one from a blog called Education Bandwagon:

I believe that is one of the so much significant information for me. And i’m glad studying your article. Howwever want to observation on few basic issues, The web site taste is perfect, the articles is actually great :D. Just right job, cheers

Oh, I’ll be hopping on that Education Bandwagon alright! I hope they’re a tutoring site. Chandler needs some help getting his SATs up.

Every once in a while the spam slips through and ends up in my comments waiting to be approved. And those ones are the weirdest of all. Like this one for example:

This build-up of abdominal muscles will push out against the fat and make your belly fat to appear larger and thicker.
It can cause you to collect fat specifically in your abdomen.

(Okay, you’re obviously selling some sort of diet pill. But then the next sentence says…) 

Considering that the estimated total number of breeding African penguins in 2010 is equivalent to the number of penguins rescued in the Treasure oil spill just 10 years earlier,is cause for grave concern.

Um… what?!

And then there was this one…

Lawat leaf extracts are traditionally used in preventing hair loss, promoting hair growth and releaving itchiness and skin inflammation. It can affect the appearance, confidence, and maybe even the self esteem of a person.

(Okay, so this time, some sort of hair loss prevention site. But then…) 

She did not seem too enthusiastic about it and claimed that she had just been to the toilet and did not feel like peeing any more.

Yeah, and you thought the penguin thing was weird, right? I mean does she not want to pee because she’s losing her hair? I’m confused.

The weird search terms keep coming in as well. Here are a few of my recent favorites for your amusement:

ジョニーウィアー ウェディング (Thanks to Google translator I know that this means “Johnny Weir Wedding” in Japanese. The crazy thing is three people searched for it. Yes. In Japanese.)

spongebob ross or pants (uh, that’s Spongebob Square Pants, Silly!)

charlene bad mom (I am not!)

what the hell is vajazzling (It’s this!)

And a special shout out to all of you who are looking for pictures of Bradley Cooper or Enrique Iglesias shirtless or naked – you are my people!

So yes, I’ve become blazy. My muse has checked out, gone on vacation. Perhaps she’s in Europe with half of my Facebook friends. I look forward to her speedy return. But hopefully I’ve managed to amuse you in her absence.

Things That are Bad for You

Last week I had my writers’ group over to my house. I was speaking to my uncle before my friends came over and he said I had to wear the present that he and my aunt gave me for my birthday. They gave me an apron. And while that doesn’t really seem like something one would wear to a writers group, because I am a good niece, I did.

Wine-how-classy-people-get-wasted
So nice to know I’m classy!

You may wonder what one does at a writers’ group, so I will tell you. We drink a lot of wine and talk too much about things that have nothing to do with writing. (So it turns out wearing the apron was a good fit after all.)

Actually we do have an agenda. We chit-chat for about 30 minutes as people are showing up, we have a writing prompt and spend 10 minutes writing whatever that prompt brings to mind, we all read our prompts aloud, then we each have ten minutes to discuss our goals for the next month. We can also send over a piece we’ve been working on before the meeting for feedback. If we were orderly this would all take about two hours. It usually takes four. (Mostly due to the drinking and talking too much about non-writerly things.)

I was in charge of the prompt (which can be a word or a phrase or even a question) and I chose “things that are bad for you.” The great thing about writing prompts is the varied responses from everyone. I love to hear my clever and creative friends read their prompts aloud.

Kim did not like my prompt. She started to write a story that was very similar the piece she’d emailed earlier in the day for feedback, but she felt that story had already been told, so she crossed it out and just made a list. I thought her list was fantastic as it wasn’t really a list of things that are bad for “you,” (as in everyone), but rather things that were bad for her.

And with 2014 officially half over, on this 19th day of my 49th year, the year I am trying to make productive, trying to make count, trying to make matter, it inspired me to make a list of my own. Because I want to stop doing things that are bad for me. And I have always found that things are so much easier to achieve when I have a list.

 

Things that are bad for me

  • Staying up late
  • Time-sucking activities (Candy Crush I’m talking to you!)
  • Procrastinating
  • Being late
  • A third glass of wine. (Not that I ever have that!)
  • A second cup of coffee
  • Forgetting what the words “portion control” mean (What do they mean again?)
  • Not writing
  • Not working out
  • Not stretching
  • Not making lists
  • Chandler being gone for 5 1/2 weeks (though this is very good for Chandler)
  • Being forgetful
  • Being unorganized
  • Jealousy
  • Self-doubt
  • Lack of motivation
  • Being lazy (especially when my laziness becomes blazy, which is a term my writer’s group came up with that means being blasé about your laziness. We’d campaign to get the word into next year’s Merriam Webster, but that would take way too much effort, thus being the exact opposite of blazy.)
  • Excuses (see above)

I could probably go on and think of 20 things that are bad for me instead of only 19, but I’m blazy remember?. Besides, I feel myself bordering on negativity. And that’s not my style. Perhaps I will counteract this post with a post listing things that are good for me. (Like Bradley Cooper obviously.)

Bradley-Cooper-shirtless
Yeah, I chose a picture of Bradley Cooper shirtless. You’re welcome.

 

Oh, and my kids, of course.

But as I said, another post.

I’d love to know… what are some things that are bad for you?

 

 

My Snarky Oscar Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them): 2014

I have to be honest… this year’s snarky Oscar post… it’s a little uninspired. Dave and I never go to the movies anymore so I saw very few of the movies nominated. Thanks to a friend we were able to catch Gravity and American Hustle via screeners (well, I mostly slept through American Hustle – I know my boyfriend Bradley Cooper is in that movie- I get up at 5AM, what can I say?), but we didn’t see anything else. It’s hard to root for movies you haven’t seen.

Also, everyone looked really lovely last night. It’s hard to snark when everyone looks great.

Plus, if I’m honest, I’ll tell you that the older I get (sigh, I hate saying that), I really don’t like to be mean. How about if I just show you some pretty pictures I stole borrowed off the internet instead and hope for some blog traffic via Pinterest and call it a day this time? You’ll forgive me won’t you?

Okay, I’ll tell you what, I will start with just a little bit of snark.

This is what happens when you invite Olympic ice skaters to the Oscars. Tara Lipinski shows up in a wedding gown and Johnny Weir dresses like a fancy butler.

tara-lipinski-johnny-weir

Angelina Jolie – really? I miss your leg. That dress is pretty, but honestly a bit matron-y, a little mother-of-the bride even – you could have waited 20 years to wear it. And Brad Pitt? That hair? Uh.. no!

brad-pitt-angelina-jolie

And speaking of hair – Jared Leto. You are so pretty, Jared, but would be even more beautiful if you had the Jordan Catalano haircut going again. I know you are a rock star and an arteest and really don’t care about such things, but your lady fans would really appreciate it and you want to please your fans, don’t you Jared? But I will say, your acceptance speech – one of the best I’ve ever heard. So gracious and lovely. I can’t think of anything that would have made a more beautiful speech. (Except maybe a haircut.)

jared-leto

Pharrell Williams – I suppose you can get away with this, because you’re a musician and might not know any better. But your wife might have wanted to dress up a bit more. (Oh – BTW, your performance? Loved it!)

pharrell-williams-helen-lasichanh

I loved Amy Adams’ dress but I did not like her hair. It would have been so much prettier if she’d worn it down, all wavy and Veronica Lake-like. But I forgive her because of the threat of rain. Perhaps she’s like me and her hair gets all limp and frizzy at the slightest hint of moisture in the air.

amy-adams - Copy

Charlize Theron – thee most stunning and breathtaking dress of the night. WOW! And that necklace, spectacular. Move over Jessica Rabbit (and Angelina Jolie), Charlize has just out va-va-voomed you.

charlize-theron

Giuliana Rancic – that dress is so pretty. Like a princess. And the umbrella is a fabulous accessory.

giuliana-rancic

I love the soft light blue of  Best Supporting Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o’s dress. And that diamond headband – gorgeous! Lupita may be new to the Hollywood scene, but she certainly found the right stylist. This girl can work the red carpet for sure!

lupita-nyong

Jennifer Lawrence looks fabulous once again. Peplum was a big runway trend and her red peplum dress was a stunner. Her make-up was pretty and I liked the swept-back hair. And that necklace worn kind of backwards? I must have it!

jennifer-lawrence

I loved Jennifer Garner’s fringe-y flapper-style dress. That’s how you have some fun on the red carpet. And Amy Adams – please take notes on Jennifer’s hair. Her side-swept loose waves are perfect.

jennifer-garner

Sandra Bullock looked stunning in this navy blue strapless dress. (And again, I love the side-swept hair!)

sandra-bullock

Best Actress Oscar winner Cate Blanchett also looked very pretty. This dress might have washed her out a little bit, but overall I think it was very pretty. And those earrings? Add them to my shopping cart with Jennifer Lawrence’s necklace.

cate-blanchett

Jenna Dewan-Tatum – I don’t know who you are. I’m guessing you are married to Channing Tatum? (Lucky girl!) Your big ol’ mess of diamonds that turns into a big ol’ mess of feathers? I kind of like it.

jenna-dewan-tatum

Bette Midler – this dress is simply stunning. And your Wind Beneath My Wings performance was sublime. I love and adore you.

bette-midler - Copy

And to end my un-snarky snark here’s some eye candy for you. You’re welcome.

bradley-cooper

And remember Bradley – even though I slept through most of your performance (my fault – not yours!) and didn’t see Jared’s, I hear you didn’t stand a chance against him, so please don’t feel badly for losing the Best Supporting Actor category. But just in case you do, remember, I’m always here to comfort you.

Photo credit: All photos Getty Images  borrowed from here. (Thank you NY Daily News!)

My 2014 Snarky Golden Globe Review (Because I’m so Qualified to Give One)

It’s the most wonderful time of year – Awards’ Season. And of all the awards shows, The Golden Globes are my favorite. (Or is that “is my favorite?”) It’s when two worlds meet and both television and film are honored. It’s when celebrities dress up, get drunk, and have one hell of a good time.

Of course I start watching promptly at 3:00 tuned into Guiliana Rancic and Ryan Seacrest on the E!’s Red Carpet report.

I loved Guiliana’s dress. But she really needs to eat a sandwich. Her arms look like sticks. That chick is way too skinny. (Probably why she chose a ballgown – so you can’t see how emaciated she is.)

giuliana-rancic
Photo Credit: Steve Granitz

Julia Roberts’ dress confused me. It looked like she put a formal strapless gown over a business shirt from her closet. What happened? Was she afraid she was going to pop out the westside sold out of Hollywood Secrets breast tapeHey I know, instead of risking a wardrobe malfunction I’ll just stuff this shirt from Banana Republic under an otherwise beautiful strapless gown. Waa laa! I am a genius. Project Runway here I com!

(Speaking of breast tape and wardrobe malfunctions – Robin Wright looked stunning, but did you catch that almost wardrobe malfunction with her breast tape -that wasn’t sticking- during her acceptance speech?)

julia-roberts
Photo credit: Jason Merritt

Jennifer Lawrence looked stunning.

Jennifer Lawrence
Her hair, make-up and earrings are gorgeous!                               (Photo Credit: Just Jared – Obviously!)

Well from the neck up anyway. Because that dress?  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

jennifer-lawrence-golden-globes-011214
Photo Credit: Jordan Strauss

I love and adore Drew Barrymore but that dress has got to go. I’ll give her a pass because she’s pregnant and not one of those stick skinny pregnant girls. And I actually like the high-low bottom of the dress. But she needs to have a talk with Kerry Washington’s stylist to see how to walk the red carpet right when carrying an extra person inside of you.

drew-barrymore
Photo Credit: Jordan Strauss
kerry-washington
Gorgeous! (Photo credit – Jordan Strauss)

And was it just me or did Amy Adams’ and Julie Bowens’ dresses look oddly similar?

Amy-Adams-Julie-Bowen-red-carpetBTW – I say Amy wins this contest hands down. Julie, you have got to lose those 1980’s bridesmaid dress poofy sleeves!

And since I mentioned Project Runway – Heidi Klum? Once again all I can say is WTF? For someone who is a supermodel and the main judge on a show about fashion, she always seems to get her red carpet looks wrong. That necklace overpowers what is actually a pretty dress.

heidi-klum
Photo Credit: Jordan Strauss

And what is up with that bangs meets Farrah Fawcett hair? You want to know how to wear bangs? Ask Reece Witherspoon. Her bangs were gorgeous. And so was her dress. Simple, understated elegance. No overpowering necklace needed. (Remember, Heidi, sometimes less is more!)

reese-witherspoon
Photo Credit: Getty Images

What did I love? (Other than Reece Witherspoon of course?)

Sophia Vergara. Her huge necklace totally worked. Though I do wish she would ditch the blonde and go back to the dark hair. It’s so much more stunning on her. (Though as someone who still considers myself a blonde even though I have been wearing my hair dark for the last six or seven years I totally get it.)

sofia-vergara
Photo Credit: Jason Merritt

Maria Menounos – love this dress. Sexy and understated at the same time. (And being understated when you’re obviously not wearing any underwear is a good trick!)

Maria Menounos

Lupita Nyong’o’s dress was my absolute favorite. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and this gorgeous, gorgeous dress with the detachable cape was truly a stunner.

Lupita Nyong'o red carpet
Photo credit: Just Jared

(If I were going to add a snarky comment about this photo it would be about the women in the background and their overly sensible shoes, but it looks like perhaps they’re working, so I’ll be nice!)

Margot Robbie’s dress was my very close second favorite. Again, I like things that are simple and this simple elegance was simply stunning. (I know I have to come up with some new adjectives, but I’m really on a time-crunch here!)

margot-robbie
Photo Credit: Jason Merritt

I loved Kate Beckinsale’s metallic dress. It looked very art deco.

kate-beckinsale

And of course Tina Fey and Amy Poeler were not only hysterically funny, they both looked just beautiful.

Tina Fey and Amy Poeler

My favorite jokes: George Clooney would rather go off by himself into space by himself than spend one more minute with a woman his own age. (If only George had been there to hear the joke, I think he would have laughed just as hysterically as the audience.)

Also: “For his role in Dallas Buyer’s Club Matthew McConaughey  lost 45 pounds or what actresses call, being in a movie.

Oh, and Emma Thompson with a martini in one hand and ouchy Louboutins in the other – I want nothing more in life than to be this woman’s very best friend.

And Jared Leto – I loved you as Jordan Catalano, but you really pissed my boyfriend, Bradley Cooper, off when you beat him for best supporting actor. At least he really looked pissed off when you were giving your speech and they panned to him in the audience. (Don’t worry Bradley, I can make you forget all about it.)

And lastly, even more confusing that Julia Roberts’ dress was Sandra Bullocks. Her hair and make-up look exquisite  and again, I love the high low bottom of this dress and the pink on the inside, but I really can’t tell if I love this dress or if it reeks of prom. What do you think yay or nay? This one has me flummoxed.

Sandra Bullock Golden Globes red carpet
Photo Credit: Jordan Strauss

Hello, What Brings You Here?

I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.

My biggest search by far are these brown boots:

brown boots for fall
Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!

Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…

(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)

But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)

My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.

You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the masses dozens from across the web to my little blog.

Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bugThis refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look,  if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.

Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.

Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)

Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?

Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.

Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!

Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.

hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!

Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!

Bradley Cooper girlfriendduh, it’s me!

Adam Ant girlfriend – hello… Me!

Tom Westman girlfriend – yes, also me.

2013 Obama bangs inspiration I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!

is gas x yummy – no it is not.

what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.

poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.

Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.

And lastly…

cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.

If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!