Throwback Thursday. This was originally posted on skirt.com on January 3, 2011.
“You cannot blog about this,” my girlfriend said when we met a few weeks ago for drinks.
“Blog about what?” I asked innocently.
“This story I’m about to tell you. But I’ll only tell you if you promise not to blog about it.”
Shit, I hate when my friends make me promise that. They only make me promise that when the story is really, really good.
“What if I promise not to use your name and swear to never tell a living soul your true identity?”
She rolled her eyes and let out a deep breath. “Fine! But if you tell anyone it was me I will deny it and then I will fucking kill you.”
Awesome, this story’s gonna be good.
She took a look around the bar and moved in a bit closer to me, “Last week before Jake* and I went away for our anniversary I got vajazzled.”
I almost choked on my olive. “What the hell is vajazzled?” I asked even though I was pretty sure I already knew.
“Vajazzling is just like bedazzling, but for your whoo whoo.” she said.
That’s right – my girlfriend had bling bling applied to her vajay-jay!
“No freaking way! Where did you get it done?”
“That’s actually the funny part of the story. I saw it advertised on one of those Groupon sites. Well, it wasn’t Groupon, but one of those sites just like it. The description went on and on about the esthetician and how experienced she was and blah blah blah and since we were going out of town for our anniversary I thought it would be a fun surprise.”
“And was it?” I asked.
“Uh, yeah!” she answered again with the eye roll. “But wait, that’s not the story. So I call the number on the certificate and some dude answers the phone. ‘Hello,’ he says. No, Vajazzling by Virginia or Bling Bling Whoo Whoos R Us, just ‘Hello.’
“I’m thinking to myself, what the hell kind of shady place is this that some dude is answering the esthetician’s phone and not even giving the business name? I’ve never gotten a wax without a referral and now I buy one on a local website and it’s totally shady. I was so shocked I didn’t even reply. I’m thinking to myself that I don’t want to do it and wondering if I can get my money back and the dude again says, ‘Hello?’
“So I just stammer, ‘Uh I think I dialed the wrong number. I was trying to call my sister.’ and hung up the phone. I don’t know why I said that, I was just so flustered and so embarrassed. I mean I didn’t want to say, ‘Hi, I was calling to get a wax and vajazzle’ to some dude who just answers the phone Hello.”
“Did you just misdial?” I asked her.
“No.” she said. “I was hoping I did, but I checked the number on the certificate and I definitely did not misdial. I was too embarrassed to call back since I gave that line about calling my sister so I figured I’d just call back the next day and hopefully she’d answer her own freaking phone.
“The next day I call back and I get a voicemail message from the dude. It’s not even her phone! What the hell kind of services is this off-brand-Groupon site selling? I mean I can tell by the address that it’s on a commercial street and not some residence so I’m totally confused by the whole phone thing. Obviously there’s some kind of mistake.
“So I sit down at my computer to check the certificate online to see if maybe there is a correction on the number. There isn’t. Then I check 411.com and see if I can find the number that way – not listed. Great! So I call 411 and it’s not listed there either.
“Now I’m weighing my options – do I call the dude back and see if it is the right number and if it is do I want to be waxed by some chick who doesn’t even have her own phone or do I write an email to the site telling them I want my money back.
“Then the 411 operator asks if I know where the business is and he can maybe look it up that way. I give him the address and luckily he was able to find the number that way. The waxing chick rents a space out of a salon and uses her cell phone which is why I couldn’t find the number. Fortunately it’s a salon I’d actually heard of with a good reputation. And it was a mistake – the site did have her number wrong.”
“So is it still there?” I asked. “Can I see it?”
“No it’s gone. But what did you want me to do, lift up my skirt and show you and the rest of the bar?” she snorted.
“Well, I was thinking of going into the bathroom,” I said seriously. I mean, I was pretty curious. “What did it look like?”
She laughed. “I got little crystals that said ‘Wild’ and a little pink heart.”
“No way! Would you do it again?”
“Yeah, I’d totally do it again. Maybe for Valentine’s Day. But like I said, you cannot blog about this.”
“Oh I’m blogging about it,” I told her. “But don’t worry your identity is safe with me!”
So those of you who know me, don’t ask me who it was – I’ll never tell!
*Jake is obviously not my friend’s husband’s real name!