Hello, What Brings You Here?

I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.

My biggest search by far are these brown boots:

brown boots for fall
Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!

Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…

(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)

But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)

My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.

You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the masses dozens from across the web to my little blog.

Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bugThis refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look,  if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.

Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.

Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)

Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?

Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.

Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!

Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.

hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!

Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!

Bradley Cooper girlfriendduh, it’s me!

Adam Ant girlfriend – hello… Me!

Tom Westman girlfriend – yes, also me.

2013 Obama bangs inspiration I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!

is gas x yummy – no it is not.

what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.

poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.

Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.

And lastly…

cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.

If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!

Liebster Blog Award #2

Yes, Liebster Blog Award #2. In the words of my dear blogging buddy, Tina (and maybe someone else, almost as famous), “You like me! You really, really like me!” Thank you! I’m a little verklempt!

Liebster blog

Once again, the word Liebster means “dearest” or “favorite” in German, and the award is given as a form of recognition and support for smaller, up and coming blogs. Last week my fellow skirt blogger Demetria Foster Gray awarded me with a Liebster Award (#1).

This time I have been awarded by my blogging soulmate Tina Drakakis, known to the skirt blogging world as eyerollingmom. Tina and I started blogging around the same time for skirt and it was love at first word. I really like to think I’m hilarious, but compared to Tina, I’m only maybe a tiny bit funny. I’d be bitter with jealous of her superior wit and mad writing skills  if I just wasn’t so damn in love with her. She really (REALLY) needs to get a blog of her own! I would have awarded her the Liebster, but she awarded me first. I’d tell you to read her blog, but then you might stop reading mine! (I’m kidding. Read her blog. She’s awesome!)

Tina lives in Massachusetts (way to freaking far!) so we have become virtual BFFs. We email. We text. We’ve never actually spoken on the phone. I think we both fear that if we do we’ll never (ever) hang up and our poor husbands and children will have to fend for themselves for days. One day we will meet in person and when we do -watch out world- there will not be anyone, anywhere having more fun than us!

Here are the Liebster Award rules again:

  1. Answer your nominator’s eleven questions.
  2. Think of eleven questions of your own.
  3. Choose a few worthy bloggers (who have fewer than 500 followers) to interview and pay it forward.
  4. Make sure to inform the bloggers they’ve been nominated winners.

Here are my questions from Tina:

1.       What’s the one thing you regret blogging about?

Pretty early in my “blogging career” I worded some things poorly and came across as something I wasn’t and in the process really hurt some people I love dearly. I really do regret that.

2.       What’s the one food that – if taken out of existence – would ensure your skinnydom?

Definitely carbs. (Which I know is more of a food group than one food. But like a politician I can answer any way I want!) Life is short. I’d rather have tight jeans and eat french fries (and pasta and BREAD) than be a super-skinny mini and eat my cheese alone (instead of on a cracker where it belongs!)

3.       You have 2 children.  Which is your favorite?

You have 4 children. I’ll tell you my favorite if you tell me yours! (I’ll give you a hint though – one is my favorite son and the other is my favorite daughter.)

4.       Shower:  hand or washcloth?

Well, that’s a little personal. But as you know, my middle name might as well be TMI. At home, usually hand. (Less laundry that way, and I use bar soap.) But at a hotel – always a wash cloth.

5.       You could spend one hour with someone who’s passed.  Who is it?

My grandmother. Without a doubt. (And I’d make sure she gave Tammy a kiss when she got back.)

6.       What’s the one thing you did in high school you wish your kids NEVER do?

You know my mom reads my blog right? Haha! I was actually pretty tame in high school. I never even got drunk. (For reals!) Now college on the other hand…

7.       Favorite guilty pleasure…

I’m racking my brain for something really trashy that I love, but am coming up blank. (Must be because I’m so classy!) I do still love 80’s music. And chick flicks. Even ones that I know are bad. In fact those stupid teenage versions of chick flicks that are on Disney and Nickelodeon – I do love to watch those with Marley. Even though every minute I’m watching I know exactly what’s going to happen and that I’m totally wasting my time, but I can’t help it. (And after all, I am spending time with my daughter!)

I also really love to have a small glass of red wine with 3 or 4 sea salt dark chocolate covered almonds after dinner. Sea salted chocolate is the new crack!

8.       We’ve all cheated.  Diets, tests, boyfriends.  Fess up to one time.

Again, mother reads blog. (So does husband!) HA! I’m kidding! So let’s just say that maybe, perhaps, I’ve logged onto Scrabble Finder while playing Words with Friends a time or two. (Not that it ever helps me win!)

9.       What makes you happiest?

Hmmm… I love going to see a band I love, Love, LOVE in concert – like U2 or INXS. (yes, still, even without Michael Hutchence, see guilty pleasure above.) I love going to the beach – I’m ALWAYS happy there. But I think the times I am happiest is simply when I’m surrounded by people I love. I love being with my family at holidays. I love playing board games with my husband and kids. I love getting together with my girlfriends for a night out of wine and gossip. (And if there is a cute waiter to flirt with I’m even happier!)

10.    Favorite Real Housewife or Survivor contestant….or both.

Not a Real Housewives watcher. (I hate people with cleaner houses than me!) Without a doubt hot former NY fireman Tom Westman from Survivor. I Swooned over rooted for him the entire Palau season. And started watching Survivor again when he came back for Heroes vs. Villains.

Tom Westman winner Survivor Palau
Me likey….

11.    What would we be most surprised to learn about you?

Sometimes I’m very shy. (It’s true.)

Whew! Well, that was fun. (I think?) Thank you Tina for choosing me (I really am so touched!)

My Award Nominees…

For my second set of awards I would like to nominate two bloggers I have had the privilege of becoming friends with.

First, Julie Gardner and her awesome blog, By Any Other Name. Julie is a former English teacher (and my go-to grammar coach) who took an extended leave of absence from teaching so she could write. And thank god she did. Here words are gorgeous. She is funny and talented and her writing is just beautiful. Every time I read her blog I think, “I wish I could write like that.” We were turned on to each others blogs by a mutual friend and instantly knew that we must meet. Fortunately we live 15 minutes from each other (ahem, Tina!). We clicked instantly and are now each other’s biggest fans. I urge you to read her blog. You will love it!

My next award goes to my blogging mentor, Kim Tracy Prince and her blog House of Prince. Kim and I met when we were both writing for Patch.com and again – instant writing love and instant in-person chemistry. Kim has been blogging even longer than me (since 2006) and has actually figured out how to make money blogging. (I’m still working on that!) She is super-cool and a great writer. Like all the best blogs, she will often make you laugh or cry. I think she has well over 500 followers, but I’m a rebel and giving her the Liebster anyway!

Here are my questions for Kim and Julie:

1. What is your favorite season?
2. What was your favorite childhood toy?
3. If your life were a movie who would play you? (And who would play your husband?)
4. If you HAD TO give up wine or coffee for a month which would you choose?
5. What book can you read again and again?
6. What was the last film you saw in a cinema. That wasn’t animated.
7. We’re all moms. We’ve seen every single Disney movie. Which villain do you love best?
8. What is one item that is always in your purse?
9. What is your guilty pleasure? (Hey, I had to tell mine!)
10. Always…
11. Never…

Once again, thank you so much Tina! And congrats to Julie and Kim. You ladies are awesome. And I hope you have as much fun as I did!