My Snarky Academy Award 2022 Red Carpet Review

Hello, Friends. I’m back. But only sort of. I did not have time to watch the red carpet yesterday because I was out living my life. (Translation: out celebrating a friend’s birthday on a Sunday afternoon at a flea market instead of on a Saturday night at a club because that is what ladies of a certain age do!)

But I did watch the Oscars (and Will Smith – you were in the wrong – WTF, dude!) and while watching the Oscars I sent screenshots to my daughter and her friend so they could do all the heavy lifting. Plus, 21 year olds are better at being snarky.

Before I start though, and say I found the dresses a little boring this year, to be honest. They were either pretty, but not amazing, or just meh, and not overly horrible. But please do enjoy the comments below by my daughter Marley, her friend Rachel, and me (who is definitely qualified to give fashion advise as I sit in my Costo leggings and Target hoodie).

Megan the Stallion

Rachael: Overall really good look. I think the color makes her skin pop and glow. I love how her dress is blue like the ocean which makes her look like a mermaid.

Marley: I think that the bottom looks like butterfly wings which is beautiful. I don’t know how she’s able to sit in it with the wires I’m a little concerned it’ll go flat but I think it’s absolutely gorgeous on her especially the way it shapes her legs.

Me: This is not typically the kind of dress I love, but Megan pulls it off and looks gorgeous.

Amy Schumer

Marley: Super ugly dress, I don’t understand the gaudy bow at all.

Rachael: I hate this dress 110% awful. Absolutely horrendous. I dont like the bow at all.

Me: This kills me because I love Amy Schumer so much, but this dress looks like she found it on the clearance rack at dress barn.

Ariana DeBose

Marley: I love the pants suit instead of a dress and it might even be a two piece if not the slit in the center. I don’t know how I feel about the Cape. Not really a cape person but I mean I guess it does make it a little bit fancier than just a pants suit

Rachael: I really love the color on her I think it looks really good. I really love the contrast of like the black nails with the really bright red it makes her stand out. I love the pants to be honest, the trousers are really cute. she can really rock this bold color all the way. I personally just don’t like the top itself also the jacket is a little weird I think she could’ve gone without it.

Me: I feel like the designers are getting a little overly creative with bodices trying to show cleavage in a new and clever way. And it’s just weird. That being said, I love this outfit (cape and all). I think it looks fab.

Timothee Chalamet

Rachael: OK first of all I just think Timothée Chalamet is really hot so I think it’s a really good. I love the jewelry, I’m not digging though the no top. I think it would look really good if it had a under top like with the jacket, but I love the hair.

Marley: Honestly not a fan. I don’t know why he doesn’t have a shirt on. I think that the blazer itself is cool and has a lot of design to it that I think is pretty however put on a shirt. That’s really it. Just wear a shirt.

Me: He looks like an ice skater who spent so much time lacing his skates that he didn’t have enough time to put his shirt before hitting the ice. (Also super glad that Marley and Rachael have the good sense to know that the dude really needs a shirt!)

Kirsten Dunst

Marley: I think her dress looks like those roses that you’ll see at the front of CVS during Valentine’s Day that are made of that kind of stiff tissue paper I don’t really understand it

Rachael: I think this dress is horrendous. I don’t think it looks good on her, I don’t think it would look good on anybody to be honest with you. I don’t know why they went with this dress, I have no words.

Me: Marley and Rachael don’t know what they’re talking about. This dress is gorgeous.

Olivia Coleman

Marley: I don’t understand why designers make ugly sleeves a staple for every award show. This dress is just ugly.

Rachael: lt’s just not good. Blegh. No.

Me: Olivia Coleman, in my opinion is the new Meryl Streep. Amazing in whatever she does. We will be seeing her at the Oscars as long as she continues to make movies so she really does need to fire her stylist. Because, (what Rachael said) blegh. No!

Jamie Lee Curtis

Marley: She looks like she’s in medieval times wearing chain mail and trying not to get attacked in an oncoming war. I don’t really understand it I don’t think it’s very flattering on her and I really don’t get the vision nor do I see the vision

Rachael: I don’t like this at all I really don’t know much else to say besides that it really is awful. I don’t like that the jewelry make any sense. I think this is a really awful look I don’t know who let her walk out like this but whoever did deserves jail time.

Me: Again, this is hard for me because I love Jamie Lee Curtis so much (like, I mean love, love, love), but this monstrosity is a hard no!

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Marley: I do think that the dress makes her waste look incredible, however I think that it’s absolutely ugly. I don’t understand the gold what a tiger head that are on there, and the whole T shoulders just really doesn’t make any sense to me.

Rachael: this is just really not a flattering dress. I think it’s really weird I don’t know I just don’t like it. I don’t know what’s going on with like all the symbols or like the tinfoil that looks like literal like tinfoil buttons I don’t like this at all it is really strange.

Me: What the actual fuck, Maggie? This dress is ridiculous.

H.E.R.

Marley: Honestly I think it looks like she forgot a dress last minuet and grabbed a green screen off the wall. Not a fan of the shape either.

Rachael: this is really disappointing. I love H.E.R., but this is really bad. I dont like the design, the color is way too bright and the clutch purse is a weird accessory.

Me: They are wrong. This dress is fab. And look at those shoes – they are spectacular!

Queen Latifah

Marley: Yellow looks stunning on her, but I’m really not a fan of the robe she’s wearing.

Rachael: i think the dress style shouldve been different. I dont really care for the robe either i think this whole outfit needs a makeover baldy.

Me: I am seriously doubting my decision to seek Marley and Rachael’s opinions. Because there is only one thing to say about this look and it is Yaaaaas, Queen! (She looks amazing!)

Billie Eilish

Marley: The only thing that is redeemable about this outfit is her hair and makeup. The dress is horrible and looks like a dyed curtain.

Rachael: I love her hair style, its very cute but I think outfit choice was criminal.

Me: Well, at least these girls are starting to make sense again! This dress is horrific.

Jessica Chastain

Marley: Very gorgeous dress, but I feel like it’s something you would see at a rich high school prom.

Rachael: This reminds me of middle school, TBH. I think its pretty and love the shimmer though.

Me: I think this dress is my favorite dress of the night. I think it’s gorgeous. (I really thought the girls would hate it though – I’m glad they (mostly) liked it too.)

So, there you have it, friends. My 2022 Oscar Red Carpet Review. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are there any spectacular or horrific dresses I missed? Let me know in the comments below.

Photos taken from here. (Thank you, People Magazine.)

Hello, What Brings You Here?

I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.

My biggest search by far are these brown boots:

brown boots for fall
Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!

Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…

(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)

But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)

My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.

You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the masses dozens from across the web to my little blog.

Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bugThis refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look,  if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.

Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.

Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)

Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?

Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.

Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!

Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.

hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!

Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!

Bradley Cooper girlfriendduh, it’s me!

Adam Ant girlfriend – hello… Me!

Tom Westman girlfriend – yes, also me.

2013 Obama bangs inspiration I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!

is gas x yummy – no it is not.

what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.

poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.

Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.

And lastly…

cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.

If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!

My 2013 (Not-So) Snarky Oscar Comments

Oh yes, awards season came to an end last night when the 2013 Oscars awarded Argo with the Academy Award for Best Picture.  Hooray! I was so glad that it won. Not only because it was fantastic, but because it was one of the four nominated movies I actually saw. But who cares about that? Everyone wants to know who looked awesome (and who didn’t) on the red carpet.

I have to admit that I was highly disappointed with last night’s awards. And not just because Seth MacFarlane was kind of stiff and nervous and just sort of meh. (I didn’t mind his poor taste jokes and I actually thought the opening skit was pretty funny.)

No, my bitter disappointed was in the dresses. They were gorgeous. Every single one of them. Every actress looked stunningly beautiful. How can I make fun of all the women who are thinner, more beautiful, more talented and so much richer than me if they all look amazing. So this blog – not so snarky.

Even Helena Bonham Carter who rarely disappoints with her poor sense of style looked pretty.

The 85th Academy Awards - Arrivals - Los Angeles-Helena-Bonham-Carter-2013
Queen of the Prom

Okay, it looks like she’s wearing a prom dress, but for her, this look is downright glamorous.

And Jessica Chastain obviously read what I wrote about her awful Golden Globes look, because she looked beautiful as well. (A gorgeous dress that fits + side-parted hair = Red Carpet Glam Jessica!)

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals
Breathtaking!

Although….

Kristen Cheoweth. That dress is stunning! Your plastic surgery – not so much. Unless perhaps that bun on top of your head (which is adorable BTW) is pulled to tight?

kristin-chenoweth-oscars-2013-red-carpet-full
That dress is GORGEOUS!

kristin-chenoweth-oscars-2013-red-carpet-back
That bun is pulled too tight!

All snarkiness aside, I’ve always thought Kristen a true beauty and it saddens me to see that she has jumped onto the plastic surgery bandwagon. Please 40ish actresses – take a cue from your elder stateswomen like Meryll Streep, Sally Field or Helen Mirren who are aging so gracefully. (And if they’ve had work done then by all means see whoever it is they’re seeing and then give me their number!)

And speaking of Kristen Chenoweth – did you see her interview Bradley Cooper? She took off her shoe to compare her shortness with his mother’s shortness (he brought his mom – swoon) and he knelt down and helped her put it back on. (Double swoon Prince Charming!)

Oscar-Bradley-Cooper-red-carpet-2013
A true prince!

A lot of the actresses seemed to be wearing their hair ala Rita Hayworth circa 1940-something…

Rita-Hayworth
Vintage Hollywood Glam

And what an excellent choice. It’s such a soft, pretty look.

Oscar-Reece-Witherspoon-hair-2013
Reece Witherspoon looks stunning with her retro wavy glam hair and Louis Vuitton couture dress.

Reece Witherspoon rocked the look. I loved her with bangs at the 2007 Oscars, but I might love this vintage Hollywood glam look even more.

LOVE those bangs!
LOVE those bangs!

My favorite dress of the night was Zoe Saldana’s. I loved the flowers on top, the belt, the funky side-bow and the flowy bottom.

I tried very hard to find something snarky and mean to say about Zoe, because rumor has it that she and my future-weekend-lover Bradley Cooper are still (or back) together. But I couldn’t. I mean look at her. She’s perfect. (Bitch!)

Oscar-Zoe-Saldana-2013-Red-Carpet
My future boyfriend’s girlfriend is perfect!

My second favorite dress of the night (a very close 2nd) was Jennifer Garner’s. (I first fell in love with Bradley Cooper when his Will Tippin pined away for Jennifer’s Sydney Bristow on Alias – hmmm… is there a theme here?)

oscars-ben-affleck-jennifer-garner-oscars-2013-red-carpet-05
Hey Jen – if I tell the world you look STUNNING in my wildly popular blog will you put in a good word with Bradley for me?!

Anne Hathaway can do no wrong in my book. Everyone knew she would win last night. Her portrayal of Fantine was spectacularly gut wrenching. I mean, I started to cry when they showed the little 5 second clip when they were announcing the nominees. And her speeches are always so graceful. She is a true class act. And her dress – fabulous! (BTW – those are darts in her dress, not her nipples people!)

anne-hathaway-oscars-2013-red-carpet-03
Love her so much!

And with that I think I will wrap up my take on last night’s fashions. As much as red carpet train wrecks boost my self-esteem as I sit on the floor in stretched out yoga pants and fold laundry while I watch the awards, I suppose I should take the high road and be happy that everyone looked so lovely. They’ve earned it.

But I will close with this…

“Did the woman in the gold dress just get plastic surgery? Her face looks like this,” Marley asked as she made a scrunchy face. She was talking about Renee Zellweger. That might be mean of me to mention, but she used to date Bradley Cooper, so I can’t really be held responsible for my actions when it comes to her.

Oscar-Bradley-Cooper-red-carpet-2013
Hey Bradley, call me!

(And yes, I know I already posted this photo. I just thought you might want to see it again. You’re welcome!)

 

Adendum: I was going to mention Kristen Stewart and then I changed my mind. I think because I could only find red carpet photos of her and she looked fine. But at the podium? WTF! Why is she famous? Why do producers keep putting her on awards shows? She always seems so put out to be there. If it’s for the young Twilight fans, even 12-year-old Marley says Blech when she sees her. I think this e-card sums her up nicely:

kristen-stewart-tired-oscars-monday-work-movies-ecards-someecards

 

Photo credits:

Kristen Chenoweth: Just Jared.com / Reece Witherspoon: Celebrity Gossip.net / Zoe Saldona: Gossip Center.com / Jennifer Garner: Getty via Just Jared.com / Bradley Cooper: Photo by Jason Merritt – © 2013 Getty Images / Jessica Chastain: JustJared.com / Helena Bonham Carter: Birminghampost.net / Anne Hathaway: JustJared.com

My 2013 Annual Snarky Golden Globe Comments

Golden-Globes-Hosts-Tina-and-Amy
Amy & Tina rocked the house! (Image NBCUniversal)

Oh yes, it is that time of year again – awards’ season. And everyone knows (well maybe not everyone) that if there’s one thing I love to do, it’s make snarky comments about the red carpet and the awards themselves from the comfort of my home as I sit crisscross on the den floor, in men’s flannel pajama bottoms folding a week’s worth of laundry in front of my circa 1986 25 inch TV .

But this year I was not crisscross on the floor in pajama pants. I was wearing jeans and a purple leopard print cardigan, purchased on sale at Target the day after Christmas, that fashion-know-nothing Chandler gave a big thumbs down to. I even put on a little bit of eye shadow.

No, it wasn’t for the awards. (I have a black tafetta dress for that.) I had some girlfriends over for a vision board party and the red carpet was only on in the background -on mute- and I missed most of the pre-show prancing.

So I was going to skip it this year. But then I got a post on my Facebook page from my funny friend Tina who was looking forward to my commentary. And I hate to disappoint the people I love. (Which is weird, because if you ask my children they’ll tell you I’m very good at it. Disappointing the people I love specifically them.)

But I digress… and so here it is… My Annual Snarky Golden Globe Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them) – the 2013 Addition…

ANNE HATHAWAY…

2013GG.Anne-Hathaway-in-Chanel-Couture-2013-Golden-Globe-Awards
Stunning! (Credit: Getty)

I’ve always really liked Anne Hathaway, but after seeing Les Miserables, in my eyes she can do no wrong. Her gut wrenching performance of Fantine had me bawling. Snot-running-down-my-face-even-though-I’m-desperately-trying-to-hide-it-because-I-was-sitting-next-to-my-15-year-old-son BAWLING. (If she doesn’t win the Oscar on February 24 I will throw something heavy at my TV screen.) I loved her dress, loved her hair, and loved, Loved, LOVED her speech.

HALLE BERRY…

2013-golden-globes-Halle-Berry
Channeling her inner Angelina Jolie. (Credit: Jason Merritt, Getty Images)

I really loved Halle Berry’s dress and she always looks stunning. But what’s with the pose in this photo Halle? That’s so Angelina Jolie 2012. (Of course who am I kidding – if I had a leg that looked like that I’d stick it out for everyone to see too!)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

2013 Golden Globes Jennifer Lawrence
IMAGE CREDIT: JEFF VESPA/WIREIMAGE

What the Freaking What was going on with the top of Jennifer Lawrence’s dress? Her boobs look like bullets. Seriously, was that some sort of bullet-proof costumery stolen from the Hunger Games set? (Cinna, you can do better!) The rest of the dress is gorgeous, but that bustier portion needs some serious work. Of course Jennifer is only 22 so I suppose she can get away with that sort of thing.

EWAN MCGREGOR

2013GG.Ewan-McGregor
Swoon! (Photo credit: Jason Merritt, Getty Images)

How sexy does Ewan McGregor look in this picture. Answer: SO DAMN SEXY! You know how he would look even sexier? If I were on his arm instead of his wife. Look, I think it’s great that Ewan is happily married and is faithful to his longtime wife Eve, and yes that love and loyalty only adds to his sexiness, but I’ve loved him since seeing him in Shallow Grave in 1995 on a trip to England, years before anyone in the states even knew who he was. I’ve loved him at least as long as she has. Isn’t that worth him considering taking me  to an awards show instead of her? Just once? I promise not to wear anything stupid on my head (like she always seems to do).

JESSICA CHASTAIN

2013GG.jessica-chastain-soft-blue-ck-dress-golden-globes-2013
What the what? (Jason Merritt, Getty Images)

I don’t even know what to say about this dress – except um… NO! The fit is funky, the color is kind of weird and it is just not flattering at all. And her hair?! Ugh! What is with those roots? It looks like she’s in serious need of a dye job!

I know this is short (for me), but as I said, I wasn’t going to write this at all. So I will end my (not very) snarky snarks here and end them on a high note.

I just loved Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Like Anne Hathaway, they can do no wrong in my eyes. They are funny, brilliant, awesome women. They both looked spectacular and freaking killed it last night. Killed it! (That James Cameron joke – almost peed my pants!) In case you missed the opening of the show, here it is for you. Enjoy. (And you’re welcome!)