My 2018 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

So. My timing hasn’t been great this year.

You may remember the night of the Golden Globes was on my son’s 21st birthday.

And the Oscars? They are rudely happening on the night of a business trip to Las Vegas.

mandalay-bay-hotel-room
My red carpet view.

 

What the mother-loving what?! Can’t these freaking awards be the earth to my sun and revolve around my schedule? Sigh…

So I’ve decided to hand the reins over to my daughter. I have to admit, I don’t even know who all of these people are, but I uploaded photos of dresses I hated and dresses I loved and I’m letting Marley do all the commentary. (Which, I have to be honest, is more than just a little bit hard for a control freak like me. But I trust her. Mostly. Besides, I’ve got a work dinner I’ve got to get to.)

And so, may I present to you, Marley Ross’s snarky Academy Awards Red Carpet Commentary…

andra-day-oscars
Andra Day

Marley: She looks like she ran out of time whilst getting dressed and decided to steal the fancy hotel duvet cover. I just don’t know who looked at this and really thought, “this is it, this is the perfect dress.”

 

emily-blunt-oscars
Emily Blunt

Marley: I guess she also decided to steal and thought to take the canopy from her daughter’s room and give it to a stylist to fix a little. The color is very pretty, but it’s such an ugly dress.

 

gina-rodriguez-oscars
Gina Rodriguez

Her dressed are always beautiful, and this one is no exception. The color, the style, and the design is just all perfect for her.

 

nicole-kidman-oscars
Nicole Kidman

Marley: She looks like an old Barbie doll, but not in a good way. The dress is hideous, but the color makes her look great. The style is just such a miss, though.

 

selma-hayek
Selma Hayek

Marley: The only good thing about this dress is the color. And how it makes her waist look great. Everything else is just ugly. The sequins. The diamonds. Just… all of it.

 

st-vincent-oscars
St Vincent

Marley: Okay but why? This is just the worst. Even her face seems like she’s thinking “God help me.” The shoes look like hooves.

 

taraj-p-henson-oscars-1
Taraji P. Henson

Marley: This is my favorite dress of the night. It’s so perfect for her, its just beautiful. The slit it stunning, and the top part of the dress is so well designed.

 

whoopi-goldberg-oscars
Whoopi Goldberg

Marley: Oh Whoopi… who hurt you like this? The color and style is good, but that’s about it. The design looks like something from another century.

 

haley-bennett-oscars-
Haley Bennett

Marley: Okay but seriously, this is the ugliest thing I’ve seen, and I’ve seen our President playing tennis. I don’t know if that’s the fur of one hundred raccoons, or the hay from one hundred barns. I genuinely cannot tell.

 

Allison Janney
Allison Janney

This is a really simple but gorgeous dress. It’s perfect for her.

 

ashley-judd-oscars
Ashely Judd

Marley: Another simple but beautiful dress. The color is very complimenting for her.

 

betty-gabriel-oscars
Betty Gabriel

Marley: This is my second favorite dress. The top is stunning and the color is so unique.

 

elza-gonzalas-oscars
Elza Gonzalez

Marley: I think this is the perfect dress for her. I really love it.

 

gal-gadot-oscar
Gal Gadot

Marley: That dress costs more than mine and Chandler’s college tuition. And honestly, I think it’s ugly. It’s reminds me of the 20’s but not in a good way.

 

helen-mirren-oscars
Helen Mirren

Marley: I love the blue and how everything matches so well.

 

jennifer-garner-oscrs
Jennifer Garner

Marley: The length is perfect, the color is perfect, and the style is perfect.

 

jennifer-lawrence-oscars
Jennifer Lawrence

Marley: This dress looks like somebody robbed a Coinstar and took only the nickles to glue together for this dress.

 

laura-dern-oscars
Laura Dern

Marley: This is so flattering and beautiful. A great choice for her.

 

adam-rippon-oscars
Adam Rippon

Marley: He looks like he just left some bondage event and forgot the Oscar’s were happening.

 

daniel-kaluuya-oscars
Daniel Kaluuya

Marley: God I love him. He looks amazing in this suit. And very attractive 11/10.

 

lin-manuel-miranda-oscars
Lin Manuel Miranda

Marley: The blue is a great color and he’s just adorable.

 

jordan-peele
Jordan Peele

Marley: This suit is great. The off white, the black tie, and the antlers pin that if you’ve seen the movie you’ll understand. It’s a great ode to his debut movie and just a really great outfit.

Well, there you have it, friends. I do disagree with some of her picks, but for the most part, for a kid who spends most of her time in leggings and hoodies, she’s got a pretty keen eye for fashion. (She takes after her mother that way!)

Photos credits: fashionista.com and

My 2015 Snarky Emmy Awards Red Carpet Comments Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

I have to admit, I feel like a bit of a fraud. I missed the Emmy’s Red Carpet shows yesterday. I know…

I know!

There was a snafu with our DVR that is just too convoluted to explain and when I sat down with my laptop ready to snark I found myself staring at the Kardashians. WTF?! It was like my worst nightmare come true. Thank god for freezer vodka!

Of course I watched the awards. But there is something about the red carpet – you can see the dresses so much better. Not everyone wins (obviously) or presents and it’s impossible to get a good look at a dress when someone’s sitting in a theater chair. Even if they have an aisle seat. Plus it was 90+ degrees yesterday. I was hoping to see if the celebrities were actually real people and, you know, sweat.

So I had to find all my red carpet looks online. I mean, sure I steal borrow the photos from online sources (thank you nymag.com), but only after watching the red carpet show to see what looks work and what looks don’t. And remember, I’m qualified to know this because I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my prom. So that obviously means I have excellent taste.

So without further adieu, my snarky red carpet comments…

Heidi Klum. What is there to say except, Heidi, you always make it easy for me. The dress is credited to Vercase, but it looks more like a Project Runway design that was only half finished when the challenge time was up.

HeidiKlum-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Pssst… Heidi, you’re still a 10, but that dress is a 0!

 

Anna Chlumsky. We all fell in love with Anna when she was eleven years old and stared in My Girl with Macaulay Culkin. It looks like she kept her same hairdresser from 1991. That over-the-head braid? Nope! Not sure how I feel about this dress. It’s interesting. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either.

Anna-Chlumsky-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Anna Chlumsky in a cute-ish dress ruined by a bad ‘do

 

Zoe Kazan. I did not see Olive Kitteridge (though it has been in my DVR queue for nine months – unless it’s been Kardashianed), and I’m sure she is a wonderful actress, but this dress makes my eyes hurt. It’s a good thing I don’t have epilepsy, it might have caused a seizure.

 

 

Paul-Dano-and-Zoe-Kazan-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan. Ouch Zoe – you’re hurting my eyes!

 

Ellie Kemper. You’re adorable. This dress? Hmmm… if you cut it to cocktail length it would be super cute to wear to a wedding. Hell, if it was short I’d wear it to work if I was shorter and not sequiny. But to the Emmy’s? I have to say no.

Ellie-Kemper-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Cute at a wedding, but not at the Emmy’s!

 

Alan Cumming. I love Alan Cumming, but WTF? It looks like he didn’t get to the tailor in time and had to wear pants straight off the rack that are about five inches too long for him (and about two sizes too big). This suit makes you wonder if he took a limo to the ceremony or a clown car.

Alan-Cumming-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Alan, you’re tailor is calling!

January Jones. When I first saw this photo I was confused. Is that a slit in her dress? Nope, it’s a pantsuit. (You see, this is where the television broadcast of the red carpet would have come in so handy.) I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m not opposed to pants. It’s not the Oscar’s after all. But… I just don’t know. I would be a super-cute outfit for a GNO. And her hair looks fab.

January-Jones-photo-by-John-Shearer
You look beautiful January, but did you steal that pantsuit from 1976?

 

Okay, I’m getting old, which makes me tired. Not sleepy tired, tired of being mean. I like to be nice. Plus Amy Schumer, who I love and adore and can do no wrong, called me out on live TV when she said, “people on the internet make fun of what you wear” when she was presenting with Amy Poehler. I mean, she had to be talking about me. Right? Well, Amy I think you looked fab. And that smokey eye was gorgeous!

Amy-Schumer-photo-by-Dan-Steinberg
Amy, you’re the bomb!

 

Allison Janney. I loved her dress. This is a 55-year old woman, people and she looks freaking awesome! How many hours a day does she work on that bod? And even more importantly, who is the hot dude she was with? Is that her boyfriend? You go, Allison! You go! And as always when she wins (which is often because she’s so awesome), she is just so gracious and lovely and full of love and respect for her fellow actors in her category. She is a true class act.

allison-janney-and-hot-boyfriend
You go, girl!

 

Regina King. This is one of my favorite dresses of the night. What you can’t see in the photo (and what would have been nice to have seen on the red carpet) is the way it swings when she walks. It’s so feminine and flattering and very 1950’s. This is my favorite style of dress. I love it!

Regina-King-photo-by-Frazer-Harrison
Classically beautiful

Aubrey Plaza. This is how you do sexy. A plunging neckline and high slit, yet still understated. Simply elegant. I love this dress.

Aubrey-Plaza-photo-by-Frazer-Harrison
Stunning!

 

Niecy Nash. I loved this dress as well. Gorgeous color and incredibly flattering. I think it’s gorgeous.

Niecy-Nash-photo-by-Steve-Granitz
Gorgeous!

 

Kerry Washington. Jennifer Lopez needs to call Kerry Washington’s stylist. This is how to wear a see-through dress in a stylish and classy way. This dress is beautiful and sexy and just the right amount of va-va-voom!

Kerry-Washington-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Kerry Washington is sexy and stunning!

 

Ariel Winter and Sarah Hyland. I thought the Modern Family sisters looked beautiful. It’s so nice to see young women dressing classy instead of trashy. Oh crap, did I just say that? I am getting old. I think it’s time to stop.

Ariel-Winter-and-Sarah-Hyland
These girls look lovely!

 

Except for…

Sofia Vergara. Sofia always looks so pretty at awards shows (and well, everywhere). But that arm candy she brought with her? Even stunninger! (Yes, I know that’s not a word – I said it was time for me to stop!)

Sofia-Vergara-and-Joe-Manganiello-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Move over Brad and Angie, these two might just be the most beautiful people in the world!

 

And lastly, the Emmy’s are always kind of a bummer for me because as much as I love TV (and I do), there is no Bradley Cooper. This year Nikolaj Coster-Waldau made me feel better about that. A lot better.

Nikolaj-Coster-Waldau-photo-by-Jason-Merritt
Bradley who?

 

What did I miss? Who did you love (or hate) at the Emmy’s? I want to know!

*Photo credits: All photos from nymag.com except for the photo of Allison Janney and hot boyfriend from people.com

My 2014 Snarky Emmy Remarks (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them)

As Seth Meyers and his BFF Amy Poehler would say, Really, NBC? Really?!

The Emmy’s on a Monday? Sigh.

Look, I work until 6:00 and don’t get home until about 6:30 (okay, 6:20, but still). Then there’s the whole making, eating, and cleaning dinner business. I need to be able to watch my red carpet at 4:00 and my awards shows at 5:00 in order to have time to gather my snark. Plus I get up at 5AM. Last night at 10:00 by the time (spoiler alert) Breaking Bad won best drama (Yay!) I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I might have snored a little. Or drooled.

(Oh, and by the way, if you just got angry with my little spoiler alert above because you haven’t had a chance to watch the Emmy’s yet and it’s sitting in your DVR queue all ready to go, what the hell are you doing reading my Emmy comments? Really, Silly Person? Really?!)

So, due to the lateness of last night’s show and my selfish need for 6 1/2 hours of sleep, my report today will be rather short, but here goes…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus has obviously sold her soul to the devil. (Or has the best plastic surgeon in the history of the universe, but my very discerning eye says no, because it looks like she has had zero work done. Bitch!) Because, seriously, who goes from looking cute when she’s in her 30’s

Julia-Louis-Dreyfus-circa-1990s

to va-va voom stunning when she’s 53.

2014-Emmys-Julia-Louis-Dreyfus
Julia Loius-Dreyfus – Photo Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

 

Damn, she’s gorgeous! (As Marley would say, “That’s not fair!”) Oh, and her dress was gorgeous too. Seriously though, deal with the devil. If not for any other reason, for the lack of under-arm fat. I could never wear a dress like that – my under-arm fat would be spilling over the sides! She’s 53, people! 53!!! But I LOVE her. And she is fabulous in Veep. I’m so glad she won. (And if I were Bryan Cranston I would have made out with her too!)

I really liked Allison Janney’s dress, but was that velvet? In August? She’s lucky it wasn’t 100 degrees yesterday. I will forgive the faux pas because she looked smokin’.

2014-Emmys-Allison-Janney
Allison Janney – Photo credit: Frazer Harrison

 

Lena Headey’s dress was gorgeous (and so was she), but I don’t know what surprised me more, her short dark hair or her multiple tattoos. (All those tats don’t seem very regal, and you know, queeny.)

2014-Emmys-Lena-Headey
Lena Headey – Photo Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

I did not like Julianna Margulies’ hair at all. It was pulled way too tight and made her ears look elfy. Her dress was fine, but she is too skinny. Please Julianna, the Emmy’s are over now. Go eat a meal.

2014-Emmys-Julianna-Margolis
Julianna Margulies – Photo credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

 

Some more dresses I liked…

Michelle Dockery looked regal, graceful, stunning. A true Lady, indeed.

2014-Emmys-Michelle-Dockery
Michelle Dockery – Photo Credit: Evan Agostini

 

Marley did not like Kaley Cuoco- hair, but I did. And I did not love her dress last year, but this year it was one of my favorites.

2014-Emmys-Kaley-Cuoco-Sweeting
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting – Photo Credit: Frazer Harrisson

 

I’m not sure how I feel about Anna Gunn’s dress. I want to love it, but I don’t quite love it. (And I LOVED her dress last year.) I do love the color, so let’s say I like it. Plus she looked awesome. And I’m so glad she won again. She deserved it. She was A-MAZ-ING in her final season. Amazing.

2014-Emmys-Anna-Gunn
Anna Gunn – Photo credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

 

 

And once again, Julie Bowen’s dress just seems to miss the mark. I appreciate that she tries to be bold and a little different, but I do not like that neck thing on her dress. (What is that?)

2014-Emmys-Julie-Bowen
Julie Bowen – Photo Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

 

And speaking of missing the mark, this dress? Uh, no!

2014-emmys-kate-walsh
Kate Walsh – Photo credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

 

And was it just me or did Peter Dinklage look really pissed that Aaron Paul won for best supporting actor? Like, really, really pissed. Sorry Peter, you were awesome this season, Game of Thrones was awesome this season, but this was Breaking Bad’s year.

 

2014-Emmys-Peter-Dinklage
Peter Dinklage – Photo Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

 

Speaking of Game of Thrones, I will end my post with a swoon-worthy photo of Kit Harington. (You are so very welcome for the eye candy ladies!)

2014-Emmys-Kit-Harington
Kit Harrington – Photo credit: Frazer Harrisson/Getty Images

 

I’d love to know, what did you love or hate about the Emmy’s or Emmy’s’ fashion this year?

Photo credit: Julia Louis-Dreyfus circa 1990s

The Way Way Back and the Cake Disaster

Way Way Back

Wednesday afternoon my friend Kim texted me asking if I wanted to go to a movie at 7:30. She was invited to a screening of The Way Way Back and had a plus one. It was around 4:00. I was running errands and knew I’d be home by 5:00, I had nothing planned and figured I’d have enough time to make dinner and make myself look semi-presentable, so I said sure. She told me she’d pick me up at 6:45.

At 6:15 I realized I was the worst end-of-school-year mom in the world (well maybe second worst) because I actually did have plans that night. Marley and I were supposed to bake a cake for her language arts class the next day. They were having a heritage party and everyone was supposed to bring a cultural food item. And since we are as Anglo and uninteresting as it gets culturally, Marley chose the coffee cake we have every year at Christmas.

She told her teacher it was a recipe from her great-great-great grandfather that he brought from Germany. (Uh, a recipe from her great grandfather from Pennsylvania that he probably got out of a cookbook would probably be more accurate, but Language Arts is all about spinning a creative yarn, yes?)

“Listen,” I said to Marley. “I totally spaced about the cake. I can’t cancel on Kim now, she’ll be here in half an hour. I’ll make it in the morning okay. I promise.”

She gave me that look. You know, that total look of disappointment that kids give you when you know you’ve screwed up and damn it to hell they know it too. “I’m afraid you’re going to forget, Mom.”

“I won’t forget, Marley. I swear to you. I get up at five o’clock every morning and go on my computer and I’ll tape a huge note there to remind myself. I will not disappoint you, Marley. I promise.”

computer-reminder
My high-tech way of keeping it all together

“Okay,” she said. But she wasn’t happy.

“I’ll make the cake with her,” Dave said.

“Really?” I asked. “You don’t mind?” I don’t know what’s worse – the fact that I forgot about the cake or the fact that it never occurred to me to ask Dave if he could bake it with her. (No wonder my cousin calls me a control freak!)

“No, we can do it. Just put what I need on the counter. What, is it a mix or something?”

Sigh… no, our heritage recipe from Marleys’ great-great-great German grandfather is not a mix. And it has a cinnamon swirl in the middle.

“No, it’s from scratch, but Marley’s made it with me a bunch of times. She can probably do it herself. You’ll just need to supervise.”

At 6:45 I walked out the door leaving my family with the mess of dinner to clean up and a cake to bake.

I was happy to be having a grown-up evening and share in Kim’s blogger perk of seeing a free movie. (Kim is a waaaay better connected blogger than me.)

The movie was really fantastic. The Way Way Back is a coming of age movie with an amazing cast. I love ALL of them – Steve Carell, Toni Collette (I really looooove her), Allison Janney (I really looooove her too!), Sam Rockwell, Maya Rudolf, Amanda Peet, Rob Corddry, AnnaSophia Robb and a kid named Liam James in the starring role. All I can say about this movie is WOW! It’s in theaters July 5th. Do yourself a favor and go see it. (And don’t forget your Kleenex.) It’s funny and sad and heartbreaking and poignant and just… wonderful.

When we got out of the movie I turned my phone back on and saw that I had a missed call from home and a text from Dave that said, Please call home. Uh oh. What went wrong? Did Marley burn herself? Was there some vital instruction missing from the recipe? What kind of disaster ensued because I was the worst mom ever and went out to see a movie with my friend instead of staying home to bake a cake with Marley like I promised?

It turns out, this kind…

cake-disaster
Oops!

Marley didn’t let the cake cool down enough and when she tried to get it out of the bundt pan it fell to pieces. Dave asked if they should start a new one or if I wanted to make another one in the morning. Since I didn’t want to be up until eleven o’clock at night baking a cake I told him I’d do it in the morning.

When I got home the house smelled like Christmas and Dave, Chandler and Marley were devouring the broken cake. I might or might not have had a bite or two ten myself. Never in the history of class projects has a child (and her family) been so happy to see the project be a complete and total failure.

The next morning we devoured the rest of the cake had coffee cake for breakfast. And Marley took this to school…

coffee-cake-perfection
Oh yeah!

Because I’m the best mom in the world. (Obviously.)