My 2018 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

So. My timing hasn’t been great this year.

You may remember the night of the Golden Globes was on my son’s 21st birthday.

And the Oscars? They are rudely happening on the night of a business trip to Las Vegas.

My red carpet view.


What the mother-loving what?! Can’t these freaking awards be the earth to my sun and revolve around my schedule? Sigh…

So I’ve decided to hand the reins over to my daughter. I have to admit, I don’t even know who all of these people are, but I uploaded photos of dresses I hated and dresses I loved and I’m letting Marley do all the commentary. (Which, I have to be honest, is more than just a little bit hard for a control freak like me. But I trust her. Mostly. Besides, I’ve got a work dinner I’ve got to get to.)

And so, may I present to you, Marley Ross’s snarky Academy Awards Red Carpet Commentary…

Andra Day

Marley: She looks like she ran out of time whilst getting dressed and decided to steal the fancy hotel duvet cover. I just don’t know who looked at this and really thought, “this is it, this is the perfect dress.”


Emily Blunt

Marley: I guess she also decided to steal and thought to take the canopy from her daughter’s room and give it to a stylist to fix a little. The color is very pretty, but it’s such an ugly dress.


Gina Rodriguez

Her dressed are always beautiful, and this one is no exception. The color, the style, and the design is just all perfect for her.


Nicole Kidman

Marley: She looks like an old Barbie doll, but not in a good way. The dress is hideous, but the color makes her look great. The style is just such a miss, though.


Selma Hayek

Marley: The only good thing about this dress is the color. And how it makes her waist look great. Everything else is just ugly. The sequins. The diamonds. Just… all of it.


St Vincent

Marley: Okay but why? This is just the worst. Even her face seems like she’s thinking “God help me.” The shoes look like hooves.


Taraji P. Henson

Marley: This is my favorite dress of the night. It’s so perfect for her, its just beautiful. The slit it stunning, and the top part of the dress is so well designed.


Whoopi Goldberg

Marley: Oh Whoopi… who hurt you like this? The color and style is good, but that’s about it. The design looks like something from another century.


Haley Bennett

Marley: Okay but seriously, this is the ugliest thing I’ve seen, and I’ve seen our President playing tennis. I don’t know if that’s the fur of one hundred raccoons, or the hay from one hundred barns. I genuinely cannot tell.


Allison Janney
Allison Janney

This is a really simple but gorgeous dress. It’s perfect for her.


Ashely Judd

Marley: Another simple but beautiful dress. The color is very complimenting for her.


Betty Gabriel

Marley: This is my second favorite dress. The top is stunning and the color is so unique.


Elza Gonzalez

Marley: I think this is the perfect dress for her. I really love it.


Gal Gadot

Marley: That dress costs more than mine and Chandler’s college tuition. And honestly, I think it’s ugly. It’s reminds me of the 20’s but not in a good way.


Helen Mirren

Marley: I love the blue and how everything matches so well.


Jennifer Garner

Marley: The length is perfect, the color is perfect, and the style is perfect.


Jennifer Lawrence

Marley: This dress looks like somebody robbed a Coinstar and took only the nickles to glue together for this dress.


Laura Dern

Marley: This is so flattering and beautiful. A great choice for her.


Adam Rippon

Marley: He looks like he just left some bondage event and forgot the Oscar’s were happening.


Daniel Kaluuya

Marley: God I love him. He looks amazing in this suit. And very attractive 11/10.


Lin Manuel Miranda

Marley: The blue is a great color and he’s just adorable.


Jordan Peele

Marley: This suit is great. The off white, the black tie, and the antlers pin that if you’ve seen the movie you’ll understand. It’s a great ode to his debut movie and just a really great outfit.

Well, there you have it, friends. I do disagree with some of her picks, but for the most part, for a kid who spends most of her time in leggings and hoodies, she’s got a pretty keen eye for fashion. (She takes after her mother that way!)

Photos credits: and

3 thoughts on “My 2018 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

  1. Sitting in my living room, laughing out loud to Freeway Cat. Hysterical. The fur of 100 raccoons! Trump playing tennis. Your college tuitions! Dying here. Well done.

  2. Her favorite dress (Henson) was the one we all said looked like she had just left an S & M party. I guess it’s a generation thing and shows there’s an audience for everything.

    We actually watched this year. First time in a decade. I just don’t understand why the ladies feel they have to go so BIG. I agree with Marley tho and enjoyed the simple, vibrant ones. Plus she’s pretty funny. Though I thought Bennet looked more like a Chia pet. Save the Racoons!

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