This is Where I Meet Hot Country Rockstars, Go To #BlogHer16 & Say Awesome A Lot

August 15, 2016August 15, 2016 charleneaross9 Comments

“Just so you know, I’m not going to be available for anything remotely domestic or marital related for at least a week,” I said to Dave on the first day of August.

“And that makes this week different than any other week, how?” he snarked.

Yeah, and you thought I was the funny one. (I am.)

It was actually a lie, because I had no plans on Tuesday, so I did fulfill the domestic/marital duty of making dinner and was even nice enough to do the dishes, but that’s where I drew the line. His sassy comment meant he wasn’t getting lucky. (Plus it was Tuesday. What kind of married people get busy on a Tuesday after 22 years of sharing the same last name?)

But, I digress.

The first day of August, marked my first week of having anything at all to do this summer. Yes, that’s right, all summer long I’ve been a Facebook voyeur, watching my friends travel to marvelous places like Cancun, Barbados, Costa Rica, shit even “just” Oregon while I’ve been working all day, only to go home and lose brain cells watching the Bachelorette. (Don’t judge – and if you subscribed to my newsletter you’d know why.)

And as JoJo and Jordan start their new life together (or the next six months, which is about as long as I give them), I too have finally started my new life. Or, at least (less dramatically and more truthfully) I’ve finally started to have some fun this summer.

It’s gone a little something like this:

Monday, August 1st: Cards Against Humanity

My writing group got together and played the ever awesome Cards Against Humanity where tough choices like this had to be made.

Cards Against Humanity White People Like — The answer is obvious.

There was a lot of laughing. And drinking. And even some crying (because we love each other that much). I got home at 1AM. (Yeah, this suburban mom’s has gone rockstar.)

Tuesday, August 2nd: Got My Ass Up After Five Hours of Sleep & Went to Work Like a Boss

Reverted to my boring suburban ways as noted above (i.e. watched season finale of The Bachelorette.)

Wednesday, August 3rd: Cetaphil Party at Cool Celebrity-Owned Restaurant

I was lucky enough to get invited to a party for awesome and influential bloggers thrown by Cetphil. And by invited I mean I was the awesome and influential Kim Tracy Prince’s plus one. The party was at Jessica Biel’s Aw Fudge on Melrose where everyone who works there looks like (and probably is) a model. (Seriously people, the servers are HOT!) The party was top notch. I learned all about Cetaphil (which, BTW, my kids’ pediatrician has always recommended for them), met some fantastic people including Whit Honea (he’s awesome – read his stuff) and Fab Mom Jill Simonian, and got a bitchen swag bag from Cetaphil that included these that literally saved my life (or at least my face) this week full of late nights.

#Cetaphil #MyCetaphilFamily — This is how you throw a product party – with plenty of swag and sangria! #MyCetaphilFamily

Thursday, August 4th: #BlogHer16 Expo

I hooked up again with the awesome (and influential) Kim Tracy Prince where we met our friend Rina Baraz Nehdar at the #BlogHer16 Expo.

For those of you who don’t know, BlogHer a website that hosts the world’s largest conference for women bloggers and content creators. (And yes, men can go too. If they want.) This is serious business people. Some of the sponsors were Go Daddy, Herbalife, Staples, Go Rving and Best Buy; and this year’s keynote speakers included Sheryl Crow and Kim Kardashian West (I know, but seriously, if I had been able to shove a copy of Frosted Cowboy in her hand so I could snap a picture and post it on Instagram do not think for one second that I wouldn’t have done it) among many, many others. Thursday night, attendees were invited to a huge expo hall where companies wooed bloggers with their wares. We were given huge (and heavy) swag bags upon entry that included everything from Vagisil to vitamins to VELCRO to vibrators. (Okay, I might or might not have stood in line at a booth to get the vibrator.)

I got to meet many women IRL (including the Awesome Angela Amman pictured in the pink blouse in the top of this post) that I’d only known online and the complimentary wine was surprisingly tasty. My favorite item in my swag bag was this beautiful necklace from Saressa Designs supplied by a company called The Artisan Group who bring small craft items to celebrities. (So I guess that means I’m a celebrity now!)

baby bezel pendant from saressa designs — My new favorite necklace. (I’m wearing it in the top photo and the photo below.)

Friday, August 5th: Old Dominion at The Ventura County Fair

I had to skip BlogHer (and Kim Kardashian) so I could see Old Dominion play at the Ventura County Fair with my friend Simmah. And if you are not familiar with them, do yourself a huge favor and listen to their album, Meat and Candy NOW. It’s so good! I entered to win a Meet and Greet pass on their website and the music gods were smiling on me because I won!

Old Dominion Meet And Greet — Hot country rockstars & happy me!

And even though this is by no means my first backstage rodeo, I was nervous and giddy and forgot to tell them how awesome they were at Stagecoach in my allotted 60 seconds with them, but I did tell them how much I loved their songwriting and in particular how the song Nowhere Fast gives me all the feels. (Like, seriously, it’s so good!) And then I told them they really suck at Twitter. (I told you, I was nervous. Plus, they really are very bad at Twitter.) They were awesome though, so nice. I’m pretty sure they all want me. (Don’t all hot country rockstars secretly pine away for 50-year-old suburban women who babble on non-stop for 60 seconds at a meet and greet?)

Old Dominion Matthew Ramsey Meet and Greet — Matthew Ramsey totally checking me out. Or defending the band’s lameness on Twitter. In my perfect world both these statements are true.

Saturday, August 6th: #BlogHer16 Convention

I got my tired ass out of bed much earlier than I wanted to attend the final day of the BlogHer convention with Rina and Kim. I’m talking a marathon thirteen hour day.

There was delicious food, engaging keynote speakers, informative workshops, and tons of schmoozing. The convention has such a fantastic energy. Highlights for me were the “The Pitch,” where five innovative women pitched their businesses in hopes of earning a $50,000 prize, hearing Lucy McBath of Mothers of the Movement tell her heartbreaking story, listening to Mayim Bialik talk about her website GrokNation and watching the pilot episode of the Amazon Prime show One Mississippi and the Q&A with the show’s star and creator Tig Notaro afterwards.

And then there was dancing. From 6-9 we took over the Conga Room at La Live and partied like rockstars. Or, like suburban moms in a club before it was even dark outside who were happy to be on a dance floor letting loose after a long weekend instead of at home cooking dinner for our families. (Which is kind of like being a rockstar, right?)

Sunday, August 7th: Warped Tour

Speaking of rockstars, I did not sleep all day Sunday like most people would after a week like I had. No, I got up like the baller that I am and took Marley to the Warped Tour in Pomona which 65 miles from my house and was about two degrees cooler than the surface of the sun. If you are unfamiliar with the Warped Tour you must not have a teenager who likes to listen to music where the word “singing” should be replaced with “screaming.” (Lucky you!)

So, yes, I am freaking Mother of the Year. And I looked like it too. After a week of looking totally cute for country rockstars and parties I put on the most suburban “Suburban Mom Running Errands” outfit I could find – a brightly colored tank top, baggy shorts, this cute baseball hat, and tennis shoes and stuck out like a sore thumb in a sea of black. (And no, you do not get a photo of that!)

The good news is, I have friends in high places and after a little bit of confusion (and maybe some begging) was able to score a wristband that gave me all access backstage where I was able to find a lovely couch under a tree at the commissary patio and sat there all afternoon reading my book. (Yes, I brought a book!)

Okay, maybe I’m not such a rockstar after all. But I don’t care. I ‘d earned the rest.

P.S. If you have read this entire post the real rockstar is YOU! It’s so freaking long. Thanks for sticking with me. You’re awesome!

Celebrate National Tequila Day with a Frosted Cowboy

July 23, 2016July 23, 2017 charleneaross1 Comment

Hip Hip Hooray! July 24th is National Tequila Day!

Frosted Cowboy cocktail — Is it just me or does that Frosted Cowboy look a little blurry?

What, you didn’t know that was a thing? What’s wrong with you? How can you not have July 24th circled on your calendar every year?

Well, now that you know, you should definitely celebrate. (Like you really needed a reason to drink tequila on a hot summer afternoon!)

And since it’s a national holiday, I’m feeling very generous and thought I would give you a present.

For #NationalTequilaDay I’m going to give you the recipe for a Frosted Cowboy. That’s right, the drink made famous by the book. (Okay, famous may be a stretch.)

book-signing-photo-booth — Kim Tracy Prince has excellent taste!

When I wrote my book and had my heroine, Laney Delaney, order a drink called a Frosted Cowboy I had no idea what was in it. But when I signed my book deal I knew I wanted to come up with a recipe for the drink to include in the book. I wanted the drink to match Laney’s personality, so it had to be something spicy, tart, and sweet (but not too sweet). And I definitely wanted it to have a kick!

And I knew it had to be made with tequila. Because I looooove tequila!

In fact, I’ve written three books – a novel (Frosted Cowboy), a novella (Love on the Rocks (with Salt)), and a short story (Tequila Slammer), that all have tequila drinks as sort of a theme. (Recipes included, of course!)

Frosted Cowboy Series — All tequila, all the time!

So if there’s anyone who can tell you how to celebrate national tequila day in style, it’s me!

So without further adieu, here is the recipe for a Frosted Cowboy:

3 ounces silver (blanco) tequila (I like Casamigos)
4 ounces pomegranate lime juice*
2 slices fresh jalapeño (though jarred jalapeño will do in a pinch)
1 lime wedge
1 tablespoon sea salt
2 tablespoons sugar

*If you cannot find pomegranate lime juice you can use 3 ounces pomegranate juice and 1 ounce lime juice (or the juice of 1 lime).

Mix the sea salt and sugar together on a plate. Run the lime wedge around the rim of the glass and then press the rim of the glass on the plate until it is heavily coated with the sugar-salt mixture heavily. (This is the most important part of the drink, well, after the tequila of course, so do not skip this step!)

Pour the tequila and juice into a cocktail shaker with ice and the jalapeño slices. Squeeze the juice from the lime wedge in the shaker and throw that in there too. Shake for about 30 seconds (if you can wait that long) and pour into salty-sugary glass.

frosted-cowboy-tequila-drink — It’s a book! It’s a cocktail! It’s BOTH! #FrostedCowboy

Delish!

Let me know if you end up trying the recipe. I’d love to know what you think.

Oh, and if you’re curious about the book that inspired the drink you can get that here. (And while you’re at it, why not get Love on the Rocks (with Salt) here, and get Tequila Slammer for FREE by signing up for my monthly newsletter here.

Happy National Tequila Day!

Frosted Cowboy: The Movie

July 19, 2016 charleneaross7 Comments

My friend Julie told me recently that a friend of hers heard from someone in their book club that Frosted Cowboy was going to be made into a movie and the rights sold for a million dollars. Yes, you heard that right – my book being made into a movie for $1,000,000! (Look at all those zeros!)

Only… it was news to me.

How do rumors like this get started? Although please, if you happen to be good friends with a big time Hollywood producer and think that by telling them my book was offered one million dollars for rights to the screenplay and it might intrigue them so much that they offer me $1,100,000 and start a bidding war (against no one), then by all means feel free to spread this rumor. But otherwise, nope, (sadly) 100% not true.

But what if it was?

Like most authors (probably), I’ve always pictured my book as a movie. In fact there is so much dialog in my book I’ve often said that it would probably make a better movie than it does a book. (Plus, there’s some serious hilarious physical comedy in there – if I do say so myself.)

But who would play Laney, Tom, Jake, Angel and Natalie?

When I first started writing Frosted Cowboy I pictured Sandra Bullock as Laney. At 36 Sandra Bullock was just four years older than Laney (who is 32).

sandra-bullock-red-hair — The original Laney Delaney

The problem is life kept getting in the way and it took me a wee bit longer to write the book than I first imagined and while Laney remained 32, Sandra did not have that luxury, so she became too old. (Don’t feel bad Sandy, it happened to me too.)

As time went on I began to picture Drew Barrymore as Laney Delaney, because, like Laney (and Sandra Bullock), she is super adorable.

In fact, I had originally pictured Cameron Diaz as Natalie, so what if the Charlie’s Angels ladies reunited and Drew Barrymore played Laney, Cameron Diaz played Natalie and Lucy Liu played Kim? I am a casting genius!

cameron-diaz-lucy-liu-drew-barrymore-charlie's-angels — Fabulous!

Can’t picture it? Then how about this…

But the same thing that happened to poor Sandra Bullock happened to these lovely ladies. They continued to age, while Laney did not.

I also pictured Tom being played by Tom Cruise. At the time he was about 10 years older than Laney’s Tom, but he looked like this so who cares.

And also, he had not yet done this:

Tom Cruise Couch Jumping — No one can ever un-see this moment.

But now, like the ladies, he is too old. (And also, just crazy.)

Jake was originally Brad Pitt in my head.

But Brad got old like the rest of them so he became Bradley Cooper. (Yes, I realize that Bradley Cooper is also too old, but I don’t care. Because Bradley Cooper!)

Bradley-Cooper-shirtless — Yeah, I chose a picture of Bradley Cooper shirtless (and made it bigger than all the other pictures). You’re welcome.

And of course, Angel would be played by Angelina Jolie. (Who else?)

But that was the original cast of Frosted Cowboy. Should we meet the 2016 cast?

I love Anne Hathaway. She’s got the lips, is super funny and even looks great with red hair.

Sure, she’s too skinny, but maybe she could fatten up ala Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’s Diary. (BTW, it is my goal in life to be as “fat” as Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones.)

A few people have told me they see Zooey Dechenel in the lead role. I have to admit she fits the adorable/funny/awesome requirement that is Laney Delaney.

zooey-deschanel — Zooey Deschanel – adorable, just like Laney Delaney

In the book Tom looks like Chris Pine, and I do find him super dreamy,

but lately I’ve been picturing him as more of a Liam Hemsworth.

And okay, okay, maybe my boyfriend Bradley Cooper is too old to play Jake. Maybe we could get Liam’s brother Chris to join the cast.

Of course the Hemsworth brothers, being brothers and all, perhaps do look too much alike to believably play two men who are un-related. But look at them:

Liam-Hemsworth-Chris-Hemsworth — Tom & Jake? What do you think?

Does it really matter?!

I think Margot Robbie would make a spectacular Natalie.

And for the impossibly beautiful, sexy siren Angel? How about Megan Fox?

Of course there are so many other characters to cast (in fact I’ve been told more than once, too many) -Kim, Amanda, Alison, Kyle, Abbie & George- but I’m running out of time (and quite possibly your attention), so I’ll stop now.

But I’d love to know, who would you cast in the movie version of Frosted Cowboy? (And if you haven’t read it yet, what are you waiting for? Buy it here. Now!)

Internet scoured, photos found here: Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Renee Zellweger, Anne Hathaway, Zooey Deschanel, Chris Pine, Liam Hemsworth, Chris Hemsworth, Hemsworth brothers, Margot Robbie, Megan Fox

How to Achieve Your Goals (Even When It’s Hard)

July 5, 2016 charleneaross6 Comments

I set a goal last Monday night at my writing group: to go back to writing a Monday Blog Post every week until we meet again. Every. Single. Week. Except for this week because Monday was a holiday and no one reads blogs on holidays, so this week I am supposed to post my piece on Tuesday. Or so I promised my group (and more importantly, myself).

The problem? I have nothing to write about. Well, nothing worth writing about anyway.

I tried writing a clever post about what I did and did not do over the holiday weekend, but when I wrote…

Things I Did NOT Do Over the Three Day 4th of July Holiday Weekend

Do something fabulous or go somewhere fabulous and post the pictures on Facebook like (seemingly) everyone else I know.

…it sounded whiny and bitter instead of self-deprecating and funny as I’d intended.

And when I wrote…

Things I DID Do Over the Three Day 4th of July Holiday Weekend

Exactly one load of laundry – the cloth napkins and kitchen towels, which I folded while watching one of many, many hours of Property Brothers. (So, it looks like I’ll be wearing the ratty underwear this week.)

Got into a deep discussion with Marley about which Scott brother is hotter.
Discussion went like this:
Me: Jonathan’s the cuter one, right?
Marley: Totally, Mom.
Me: Are you sure, because sometimes I think it’s Drew.
Marley: It’s not.
Me: Okay.

Took two naps. (I’m getting over a cold. I’m a little disappointed in myself for not taking four.)

Took Marley to the gym and walked on the treadmill at a ridiculously slow speed while catching up on John Oliver and called it a “workout.” (See above – I was sick.)

Last-Night-This-Week — Please take note of how the reflection of the florescent lights makes it look like John Oliver is holding a light saber, not the sad, sad time of my “workout.”

Played cards with Dave and Marley Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. (Yeah, the three of us – we’re like a party machine!)

Finished one book (I’m Glad About You – it was okay) and started another (The Paris Effect – I think it’s going to be really good!)

Watched fireworks (through some very thick trees) at my mother’s house Monday night with Dave and Marley (Chandler was working) and then played more cards.

… I felt like everyone would die from the boredom of my pathetic life.

Seriously, you’re not still reading this are you? And if so, why? Is it because you feel sorry for me? Are you one of those weird Type-A-OCD people who has to finish whatever you start no matter what, even if you’ve figured out there will be no reward at the end? (Trust me, this post is not going to all of a sudden get better.)

But here is the good news: this blog post will be over soon.

And I can pat myself on the back for doing what I said I would do (at least this week) to achieve my goal. (To steal from and paraphrase the awesome Elizabeth Gilbert, I said I would write a blog post every week, not a good blog post every week.)

And you can be happy because you, too, have achieved your goal by finishing what you started. And because your life is way more exciting than mine. (Hey, I meant that in a funny/self-deprecating, not bitter/whiny way.) 🙂

My 2016 Snarky Oscar Red Carpet Comments Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them

February 29, 2016March 1, 2016 charleneaross15 Comments

Yes it’s that time of year again. Awards season has come to an end with its biggest night of the year – the 2016 Academy Awards – and I’m here to give my ever-so-valued opinion on the best and worst red carpet looks. That’s right, I watch and take notes about the good, the bad and the ugly as I sit eating stuffed crust pizza in my Costco workout clothes about Hollywood’s biggest night of the year.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I could have at least worn my Lululemon. I mean, it’s the Oscars, dress up a little, right? But I only have one Lululemon and it was in the wash.

And why am I qualified to do this you ask (again)? I’ve already told you, I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my high school prom. This obviously means I have excellent taste. So read on about my red carpet takes and if you’re lucky I’ll add my prom picture at the end. (If you’re lucky.)

I’ve mentioned before that as I get older (and damn am I getting older) I really don’t like to be as snarky. I don’t like make fun of people. So I would like you all to know that I’m not making fun of the people. Just their clothes. (Well, mostly.)

Plus it’s hard not to be snarky when Heidi Klum shows up in this:

heidi-klum-2016-academy-awrds-red-carpet — This dress = hideous

Seriously, WTF is she wearing. Heidi Klum has become the Cher of the new millenium. (Old people like me will understand that reference.) She seems to be on my worst-dressed list for every red carpet event. If I was a contestant on Project Runway and got booted off, I might not feel so bad.

This makes me sad because Kate Winslett always makes my best-dressed list, but I gotta call ’em as I see ’em and I see this dress as a disaster. What exactly is it made of? Rubber or something shiny or both? I think her hair and make-up look beautiful, but that dress? No! (BTW, my friend Laurel said she thought her hair looked stringy, and I admit it kind of did at the end of the night, but as someone who never leaves an event looking quite as fresh as when I arrived there, I’ll forgive her for that.)

Kate-Winslet-2016-oscar-red-carpet — Kate Winslet making her first time appearance on my worst dressed list. (I still love you Kate!)

I don’t know who Lily Cole is (an IMDB search shows that she’s been in a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen), her dress, from the pointy triangles at the top to the awful fabric and overall poufiness has got to go. (Plus her shoes are gold and her dress is silver – NO!)

lily-cole-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet — This looks like a couture space suit disaster.

Rooney Mara looks kind of pissed off in this picture. Maybe her head hurts because her hair’s pulled back too tight. Or maybe she realized what she was wearing is heinous. Seriously, what is she wearing?

The only word I have for this dress is no!

As I mentioned above, I’m getting older. We all are. And as hard as it is for everyone, it’s even harder for the women of Hollywood. I get that. So I will forgive Kate Capshaw for the work she has obviously had on her face. Hey, I’m not a rich woman. Plastic surgery will never be an option for me, so who am I to judge. But Kate has always been one of my hair idols. That’s right, I’ve always idolized her fabulous hair. But this stupid too-short-buster-brown-bangs and stripey-blond do? No! That I will not forgive. Plus she wore a tux. Why, Kate, why?

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards red carpet — Sorry Kate, you’re better than that!

Need a closer look. (You don’t but I’m going to give it to you anyway.)

Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg academy awards — Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.

As for dresses I’m on the fence about. First, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t hate it, but I certainly don’t love it. What’s your opinon? I just don’t know.

And I really love the top 9/10s of Alicia Vikander’s dress. But that balloony bottom has got to go.

It has occured to me that I rarely talk about men’s walk down the red carpet. That’s probably because for the most part there’s not much to eff up and the men look great (assholes). Well, this year was a little different…

Jared Leto. No! We already know you’re a rockstar and kind of a weird dude, but still. This is a no! I mean you are incredibly hot (and forever Jordan Catalano in my heart) and I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, but I might kick you out for wearing this. Who am I kidding? Of course I wouldn’t. (I would, however, make you take it off first.)

jared-leto-2016-academy-awards-red-carpet — Jared, I love you, but take that off! (Please!)

Look at Dave Grohl, he’s a rockstar and he looks great!

Dave Grohl and Jordyn Blum 2016 academy awards red carpet — Dave Grohl and his wife Jordyn Blum look fabulous!

Dev Patel forgot to wash his hair. And shave. Clean it up Dev, you’re at the Oscars for godsake!

Dev patel 2016 oscars red carpet — Dev Patel in his best, “I woke up looking like this” look. Uh, yeah. We can tell.

And what was with all the velvet last night? Too many men were wearing velvet. I have to tell you, I’m not a fan.

Eddie Redmayne 2016 oscars red carpet — Love Eddie Redmayne, do not love the velvet.

Alright already, enough with the negativity and snark. (Even though I know that’s what you’re all here for.) Let me tell you what I did like, because most of the dresses were just breathtaking.

I would have prefered to have seen Jennifer Garner’s hair down, but I still think she looked stunning. I think the inspiration for her dress was “take that Ben Affleck.”

Jennifer Garner 2016 academy awards red carpet — Take that Ben Affleck!

I thought Julianne Moore looked classy and gorgeous, as always.

A lot of the fashion blogs said that Cate Blanchett looked like a mermaid, but I’m not a fashion blogger. I’m an Old Navy-wearing suburbanite. I think her dress is beautiful.

Best Actress nominee Saoirse Ronan is the vision of beauty in this Calvin Klein dress. I love the pattern and the shimmer and her hair and makeup are sublime.

saoirse-ronan

Best Actress winner Brie Larson looks amazing. I especially love the top of this dress. Her hair and makeup are simple, yet gorgeous.

Brie Larson

Naomi Watts has made my worst dressed list in the past, but this year? OMG, OMG, OMG! Her dress is amazing. I think it’s my favorite. Everything about it (I absolutely love the color gradation) is absolutely 100% gorgeous! Oh, and that necklace? I want it!

But I do have to say as far as the WOW factor goes. As in wowzee-wow-wow-wow, Charlize Theron stole the show. (And I want that necklace too!)

My sister told me I had to post a photo of the most beautiful man in the world, but I told her Bradley Cooper wasn’t there. She said that she meant Tom Hardy. I could only find a photo of him with his wife, Charlotte Riley, who unfortunately for my sister, looks absolutely stunning. (Sorry sis!)

This one's for you, Sis! — This one’s for you, Sis!

I’d love to talk about what went on inside the awards, but my word count is ridiculously high, so I will just mention Lady Gaga’s performance which left me with tears streaming down my face. It was so powerful and so moving. If you have not seen The Hunting Ground, I suggest you do. It’s an important film that everyone needs to see. Especially if you have a child in college or that one day will be going to college. Click here to find out how to watch the film and click here to bawl your eyes out watching Lady Gaga sing the Oscar nominated song Til It Happens to You.

Wow, that got serious all of a sudden, didn’t it? Sorry, that was just something too important to breeze by, but I’ll end this post on an up note (at my expense) with that prom picture I promised you. I couldn’t find the one with me and my date, but here is one of me and my friend Kellie.

OMG – that hair! That taffeta! Go ahead and snark away. I totally deserve it!

Photo credits: Most of my photos were taken from here, some were from here, and the close-up of Kate Capshaw and Steven Speilberg is from here.

My 2016 Snarky Golden Globe Red Carpet Reviews Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

January 11, 2016February 29, 2016 charleneaross8 Comments

Oh yes, it’s that time of year again – awards season. And time for my snarky red carpet reviews. Because if there’s one thing a 50-year-old suburbanite with a closet full of Old Navy who wore the same dress as seven other girls to her prom is qualified to do, it’s critique gorgeous Hollywood celebrities on their fashion choices.

The theme this year seemed to be plunging necklines, killer diamond necklaces, and sideswept hair. (And a little too much yellow for my taste.)

Here is how you do a plunging neckline correctly:

jenna-dewan-tatum-golden-globes-2016 — Jenna Dewan Tatum looks gorgeous!

Kirsten Dunst shows us how to do a plunging neckline incorrectly:

kirsten-dunst-golden-globes-2016 — Too much boob!

I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction with this dress. Did Kristen hear that Jennifer Lopez wasn’t showing her boobs this year and think she’d step into that spot? Or maybe it’s just the velvet I don’t like. Maybe a nice crepe would have worked better for me.

Jaimie Alexander from Blindspot wore another plunging neckline dress that I liked:

jaimie-alexander-golden-globes — Love this!

I think the color is beautiful and the geometric shapes make the dress interesting without taking over.

Here are two more dresses I did not like at all.

amanda-peet-rooney-mara-golden-globes-red-carpet-2016 — Nope!

The color is too close their skin tone (especially Rooney Mara’s) and I do not like all that fluff.

If you want to wear a pale color (or show off your boobs the right way), here’s the way you do it:

katy-perry-golden-globes-2016 — va-va-voom

Katy Perry looks fabulous in this rose colored gown. It’s a little plain, but with that cleavage I don’t think anyone noticed. Plus, check out that hair, I think bumpit sales are going to skyrocket today.

(If you want to watch a funny video of Katy Perry and Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet discussing Katy’s bumpit, check this out.)

More bad choices? Here we go…

I love the bottom half of Leslie Mann’s dress, but the top? Yuck. I don’t even get it.

2016-leslie-mann-golden-globes — What is going on with this dress?

And what happened with the Game of Thrones ladies? Did they get a memo to wear the ugliest dresses possible?

2016- emilia-clarke-golden-globes — Where are her arms coming from?

2016- natalie-dormer-golden-globes — What is that thing around her neck?

I love dresses that are simple and even a little bit plain, but to me Taraji P. Henson’s dress was a little too plain. (I know, picky, picky!) But I absolutely adored her earrings.

Taraji-P-Henson-earrings-2016-golden-globe-red-carpet — Stunning!

And speaking of gorgeous jewelry, I must have that diamond lariat necklace on J-Lo. I also really liked her dress, so classy and beautiful.

I did not however, love the color. (And my friend Laurel agrees.)

2016-golden-globe-gossip — Damn I have funny friends!

I was on the fence about Brie Larson’s dress. I think it’s pretty and liked the originality of it, but she looked uncomfortable. Kind of like she had to slouch a tad bit just to keep it on. But then again, who ever said fashion was comfortable. (When it comes to the red carpet, it’s better to look good than to feel good, right?)

brie-larson-golden-globes-2016-h724 — Gorgeous, but uncomfortable!

Here are some of the dresses I absolutely loved:

Amy Adams dress looks much more orange in this photo than it did on TV, but it’s gorgeous (and so is she) either way.

amy-adams-atelier-versace-golden-globes-2016-h724 — One of my favorite dresses of the night.

Kate Winslet looked sublime.

kate-winslet-golden-globes-2016 — The definition of classic beauty.

I am usually not a fan of cutouts on dresses, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was beautiful. And I know that her necklace was all the rage, but it was a little too much for me. Also, I would have liked to have seen here with her hair down, in a soft, wavy style, but I still think overall she looked beautiful.

jennifer-lawrence-red-dior-dress-golden-globes-2016 — Beautiful!

Show me a ball gown that is classic, looks comfortable and has pockets and I’ll give you an A+ every time!

Love the pockets! — Gina Rodriguez get an A+!

Olivia Wilde is another example of the plunging neckline done right. (And that necklace ain’t bad either!)

olivia-wilde-golden-globes-2016 — One word: WOW!

And I like to save the best for last. Helen Mirren is always classy, always beautiful and always gets the red carpet right. She is not beautiful for her age. She is simply beautiful. (And I just adore this picture of her.)

helen-mirren-golden-globes-2016-h724 — Helen Mirren is always classy and gorgeous.

As for the awards themselves… well, that’s another post for another day (or not). But as someone whose own dreams are just starting to come true, my favorite moment by far was Rachel Bloom’s acceptance speech. In case you missed it (or even if you didn’t) watch it here. I promise it will be your feel-good moment of the day.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what Ricky Gervais whispered to Mel Gibson, you can find that out here. (Wow! That guy’s got some big balls. And really doesn’t like Mel Gibson.)

And in a final note, even though it has nothing to do with the Golden Globes, since we are talking about fashion and icons, I wanted to mention that I was so saddened to hear about the death of David Bowie this morning. His music was a huge part of my youth. I might have worn out the grooves of my Let’s Dance album. I loved seeing photos of him and his wife Iman – such a stunning couple. Few celebrities bring me to tears when they pass, but he is certainly one of them. He will forever be missed.

david-bowie-and-iman — Dear David: You will forever be missed.

Photo credits: Most photos were all Getty Images lifted from Glamor magazine (thanks Laurel for sending the link) except for Taraji P. Henson, which is from here and David Bowie & Iman, which is from here.

And please, as always, let me know if you think I nailed it or totally missed the mark in the comments below.

What’s on Your Twitter Feed?

December 16, 2015February 29, 2016 charleneaross6 Comments

Marley has a friend (who shall remain nameless) who recently sent her this text:

snarky-teenage-texts — Hey… wait a minute…

Now that’s some funny shit. And it seems like it would be completely accurate. I mean what else is Twitter for but:

Stalking your daughter’s rants & band obsessions
Tweeting to wineries about how awesome they are in hopes they will mistake you for someone who is influential and send you a free case of their wine (hasn’t happened yet, but a girl can dream)
Retweeting @dailyhotguy’s half-naked hot dude pics (If you are unfamiliar with @dailyhotguy here’s one their tweets from Thanksgiving – that I did not retweet, BTW!)

henry-cavill-shirtless — Um, yep, even with a silly turkey hat, shirtless Henry Cavill is still hot!

But the thing is…

Hey. Hey! Quit looking at Henry! Get your eyes back on the words. Thank you.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah. The thing is, while it seems like that would be an accurate portrayal of my Twitter feed, it really isn’t. At least not lately.

Recently I’ve tweeted about…

Authors’ books or writers’ websites (and okay, okay, maybe my book or website)

tweets-about-books — So… I might be a tad self-promoting

Country music lyrics (don’t judge)

tweets-about-jake-owen — I can’t believe Jake Owen didn’t tweet me back professing his undying love for me!

Bradley Cooper

Yeah, I know. My tweets are kind of lame.

And, okay, I do tweet about wine, but not that much.

tweets about wine — So far no free cases of wine.

And the last time I tweeted a picture of a half-naked dude was in July. Of 2014!!!

half-naked-guy-on-twitter — Yep! Totally worth it!

So, while hilariously funny, I don’t think Marley’s friend’s assessment of my Twitter feed is all that accurate. Though perhaps if it was my feed would be more interesting.

(Note to self: More tweets about half naked dudes and wine!)

You can find me on Twitter as @rossgirl08. And here are some other super cool people to follow: @BookStarDaily, @dailyhotguy, @kimtracyprince, & @theskimm

P.S. Sorry for the uber shitty quality of my Twitter snips. Going to see if I can fix that. (You know, in all my free time!) 🙂

My 2015 Snarky Emmy Awards Red Carpet Comments Because I’m So Qualified to Give Them

September 21, 2015February 29, 2016 charleneaross6 Comments

I have to admit, I feel like a bit of a fraud. I missed the Emmy’s Red Carpet shows yesterday. I know…

I know!

There was a snafu with our DVR that is just too convoluted to explain and when I sat down with my laptop ready to snark I found myself staring at the Kardashians. WTF?! It was like my worst nightmare come true. Thank god for freezer vodka!

Of course I watched the awards. But there is something about the red carpet – you can see the dresses so much better. Not everyone wins (obviously) or presents and it’s impossible to get a good look at a dress when someone’s sitting in a theater chair. Even if they have an aisle seat. Plus it was 90+ degrees yesterday. I was hoping to see if the celebrities were actually real people and, you know, sweat.

So I had to find all my red carpet looks online. I mean, sure I ~~steal~~ borrow the photos from online sources (thank you nymag.com), but only after watching the red carpet show to see what looks work and what looks don’t. And remember, I’m qualified to know this because I wore the same dress as seven other girls at my prom. So that obviously means I have excellent taste.

So without further adieu, my snarky red carpet comments…

Heidi Klum. What is there to say except, Heidi, you always make it easy for me. The dress is credited to Vercase, but it looks more like a Project Runway design that was only half finished when the challenge time was up.

HeidiKlum-photo-by-Steve-Granitz — Pssst… Heidi, you’re still a 10, but that dress is a 0!

Anna Chlumsky. We all fell in love with Anna when she was eleven years old and stared in My Girl with Macaulay Culkin. It looks like she kept her same hairdresser from 1991. That over-the-head braid? Nope! Not sure how I feel about this dress. It’s interesting. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either.

Anna-Chlumsky-photo-by-Steve-Granitz — Anna Chlumsky in a cute-ish dress ruined by a bad ‘do

Zoe Kazan. I did not see Olive Kitteridge (though it has been in my DVR queue for nine months – unless it’s been Kardashianed), and I’m sure she is a wonderful actress, but this dress makes my eyes hurt. It’s a good thing I don’t have epilepsy, it might have caused a seizure.

Paul-Dano-and-Zoe-Kazan-photo-by-Steve-Granitz — Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan. Ouch Zoe – you’re hurting my eyes!

Ellie Kemper. You’re adorable. This dress? Hmmm… if you cut it to cocktail length it would be super cute to wear to a wedding. Hell, if it was short I’d wear it to work if I was shorter and not sequiny. But to the Emmy’s? I have to say no.

Ellie-Kemper-photo-by-Jason-Merritt — Cute at a wedding, but not at the Emmy’s!

Alan Cumming. I love Alan Cumming, but WTF? It looks like he didn’t get to the tailor in time and had to wear pants straight off the rack that are about five inches too long for him (and about two sizes too big). This suit makes you wonder if he took a limo to the ceremony or a clown car.

Alan-Cumming-photo-by-Jason-Merritt — Alan, you’re tailor is calling!

January Jones. When I first saw this photo I was confused. Is that a slit in her dress? Nope, it’s a pantsuit. (You see, this is where the television broadcast of the red carpet would have come in so handy.) I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m not opposed to pants. It’s not the Oscar’s after all. But… I just don’t know. I would be a super-cute outfit for a GNO. And her hair looks fab.

January-Jones-photo-by-John-Shearer — You look beautiful January, but did you steal that pantsuit from 1976?

Okay, I’m getting old, which makes me tired. Not sleepy tired, tired of being mean. I like to be nice. Plus Amy Schumer, who I love and adore and can do no wrong, called me out on live TV when she said, “people on the internet make fun of what you wear” when she was presenting with Amy Poehler. I mean, she had to be talking about me. Right? Well, Amy I think you looked fab. And that smokey eye was gorgeous!

Amy-Schumer-photo-by-Dan-Steinberg — Amy, you’re the bomb!

Allison Janney. I loved her dress. This is a 55-year old woman, people and she looks freaking awesome! How many hours a day does she work on that bod? And even more importantly, who is the hot dude she was with? Is that her boyfriend? You go, Allison! You go! And as always when she wins (which is often because she’s so awesome), she is just so gracious and lovely and full of love and respect for her fellow actors in her category. She is a true class act.

allison-janney-and-hot-boyfriend — You go, girl!

Regina King. This is one of my favorite dresses of the night. What you can’t see in the photo (and what would have been nice to have seen on the red carpet) is the way it swings when she walks. It’s so feminine and flattering and very 1950’s. This is my favorite style of dress. I love it!

Regina-King-photo-by-Frazer-Harrison — Classically beautiful

Aubrey Plaza. This is how you do sexy. A plunging neckline and high slit, yet still understated. Simply elegant. I love this dress.

Aubrey-Plaza-photo-by-Frazer-Harrison — Stunning!

Niecy Nash. I loved this dress as well. Gorgeous color and incredibly flattering. I think it’s gorgeous.

Niecy-Nash-photo-by-Steve-Granitz — Gorgeous!

Kerry Washington. Jennifer Lopez needs to call Kerry Washington’s stylist. This is how to wear a see-through dress in a stylish and classy way. This dress is beautiful and sexy and just the right amount of va-va-voom!

Kerry-Washington-photo-by-Jason-Merritt — Kerry Washington is sexy and stunning!

Ariel Winter and Sarah Hyland. I thought the Modern Family sisters looked beautiful. It’s so nice to see young women dressing classy instead of trashy. Oh crap, did I just say that? I am getting old. I think it’s time to stop.

Except for…

Sofia Vergara. Sofia always looks so pretty at awards shows (and well, everywhere). But that arm candy she brought with her? Even stunninger! (Yes, I know that’s not a word – I said it was time for me to stop!)

Sofia-Vergara-and-Joe-Manganiello-photo-by-Jason-Merritt — Move over Brad and Angie, these two might just be the most beautiful people in the world!

And lastly, the Emmy’s are always kind of a bummer for me because as much as I love TV (and I do), there is no Bradley Cooper. This year Nikolaj Coster-Waldau made me feel better about that. A lot better.

Nikolaj-Coster-Waldau-photo-by-Jason-Merritt — Bradley who?

What did I miss? Who did you love (or hate) at the Emmy’s? I want to know!

*Photo credits: All photos from nymag.com except for the photo of Allison Janney and hot boyfriend from people.com

My 2015 Snarky Oscar Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them)

February 23, 2015February 24, 2015 charleneaross7 Comments

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I used to enjoy the Oscars a lot more when I used to actually see movies. Out of the eight movies nominated for Best Picture I saw exactly one, The Grand Budapest Hotel. And I loved it dearly so of course I was rooting for it (even though I knew it wouldn’t win).

But oh, how I do adore the red carpet. Because I’m pretty sure that when people think of me the first think they think of is what a fashion icon I am. Seriously, no one can rock off-the-rack (from Target) like I can.

The Red Carpet

Dakota Johnson looked fabulous, but what happened to her mother’s face? (One too many trips under the knife – that’s what.) I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed the mother-daughter bickering on the red carpet between the two about Melanie’s refusal to see Dakota’s soft porn performance in FSOG (even though she was “so proud” of her).

Dakota-Johnson-Melanie-Griffith-Oscars-2015 — Is it me or is Melanie Griffith starting to look like Joan Rivers?

And speaking of soft porn, John Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen looked gorgeous, but I kept expecting to see Chrissy give a Lindsay-Lohan-getting-out-of-a-limo-type red carpet peep show with the slit in that dress.

Julianne Moore looked stunning. I loved her dress (which does not look great against this background, but trust me, it’s gorgeous), just adored her side-swept chignon, and those earrings (that you cannot see in this picture)? I must have them!

I thought Jennifer Lopez’s dress was beautiful (I’m a sucker for a ballgown), but whoever did her make-up needs to be fired. Immediately. You can’t really tell from the photos, but her pink lipstick was hideous and her pink eye shadow was a mess. (If you saw her red carpet interview, you know what I’m talking about.)

2015-oscar-jennifer-lopez — Those pink lips have to go!

Rosamund Pike’s red dress paired with understated hair and jewelry was stunning. Stunning! (I know I just used that word to describe Julianne Moore, but if you can think of a better one please let me know.) I think her dress was my favorite.

I love Scarlet Johansson’s dress. I’m not sure how I feel about that necklace. And I have to ask, what the hell did she do to her hair?

2015-Oscar-Scarlet-Johansson — When did Scarlet Johansson start going to Miley Cyrus’s hairdresser?

And Gywneth Paltrow, whose website Goop loves to tell us how much better our lives could be if we partook in V steams and purchased $350 cut-off shorts might want to make her own life better by hiring a different stylist. Because this dress? NO! That hair? Yuck! But I will say, those earrings are FAB!

I really like Naomi Watts, but I do not like her dress at all. Except for the length it looks more like something you’d wear out clubbing.

2015-oscars-naomi-watts — That bandeau is not working for me.

The Awards

Okay, okay, enough of this red carpet business and onto a quick Academy Awards recap.

Opening number by Neil Patrick Harris, Anna Kendrick and Jack Black? -Fantastic!

I just loved JK Simmons thank you speech. What a lovely tribute to his wife. If my husband ever wins any kind of award that requires a speech he should just copy that speech.

In fact after watching that speech, I realized what it is I love so much about the awards and why I continue to watch them even when I don’t see the movies – it’s the acceptance speeches. I know this sounds corny, but watching people be filled with so much gratitude really does make me teary eyed and just, well, happy.

Speaking of acceptance speeches if you missed this one by Pawel Pawlikowski, the winner of the Best Foreign Language Film, you must watch it here. I had never heard of him before last night, but I am now madly in love with him and have decided he must be mine!

Michael Keaton really needs to learn how to chew gum in a more gentlemanly manner.

Ironically during the bit about seat fillers, I noticed the seat next to Jared Leto was empty. I really need to figure out a way to be a seat filler next year. I would take the job much more seriously. In fact I’d take it so seriously that if I was sitting next to Jared Leto I wouldn’t even get up when the person who was supposed be sitting there came back from the bathroom. Though he might ask me to leave because I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from giving him some well-needed fashion advice.

The Everything is Awesome musical number was #AWESOME. I need to call my sister and tell her to have her Lego-loving twins to make me a Lego Oscar statue. (It would make an excellent birthday present. Hint, hint!)

I wanted to snark on Patricia Arquette for looking like she rolled out of bed, put her hair in a messy ponytail and threw on a dress she found at Macy’s but I loved her heartfelt and impassioned speech so much that I’ve decided not to mention it.

2015-oscars -patricia-arquette — To you, Patricia Arquette, I say, “Go, Girl!”

The night really was full of tear-inducing speeches. Another one that you just have to watch is Graham Moore’s, the writer of The Imitation Game. And show your kids. Because it’s important. Even if they aren’t weird.

And OMG – who knew Lady Gaga could sing like that? Not me! Her tribute to Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music truly wowed me.

Eddie Redmayne’s speech was adorable and Julianne Moore’s speech was touching and fabulous. I’m over the red carpet, it really was all about the speeches for me.

2015-oscars-awards-julianne-moore — Happy Lady, you are fabulous!

And to my boyfriend Bradley Cooper, I’m so sorry you didn’t win (again). But like I told you last year, if you need someone to comfort you, you know where to find me.

2015-oscars-bradley-cooper-academy-awards — Swoon!

The Three Best Things on the Internet This Week (According to Me)

January 30, 2015January 29, 2015 charleneaross5 Comments

Hello. Yes, it’s been a while.

Not much, how ’bout you?

Oh sorry, I haven’t been blogging much lately and that song just popped in my head.

Little known fact: I once sang I’d Really Love to See You Tonight in a middle school talent show. Which when I think about it is really strange because (1) it’s kind of a song about hooking up with an ex for a one-nighter (only not kind of) and (2) I really, really can’t sing.

By the way, if you recognize this song (and those hair/facial hair styles) you’re old. But I’m old too, so at least you’re in good company.

But I digress (once again).

I have no stories to tell (actually, that’s not true, I have lots of stories to tell, but they’re all about my kids and since my kids are teenagers I’m not allowed to tell them) so instead I will tell you what I enjoyed most on the internet this week. Just in case you were wondering.

Incarcerated, written by Susan Swicegood Boswell on her blog Girl From Goat Pasture Road about her brother serving time in jail is heartbreaking and beautiful and MUST be read. Seriously, read it! NOW.

I’ll wait.

That wasn’t very nice of me was it? I mean, it was awesome, and her writing is so beautiful, but it kind of got you thinking about your own life and how you really need to step it up and start living life to its full potential didn’t it? So maybe it was nice of me. Actually, you should be thanking me for making you read that because now you are going to make your life so much better. You’re welcome!

Alright, enough introspection. Ready to laugh? Then read I Went to a Spa for my Uterus and This is My Story by Laura Hooper Beck. My friend Kim suggests that you not read it when kids are around if you have the type of kid who reads your laptop over your shoulder. I don’t think there are any bad words but it is after all a post about a spa treatment for her lady business. I say don’t read it at work because you’ll be howling so loudly that your boss will definitely know you’re not working. (Not that I know anything about reading things that aren’t worky on the internet at work.)

And since I made you read so much I’ll keep this short and sweet (for me anyway). This made me laugh because it’s so true.

Kale-chips — Do kale chips come in sour cream and onion flavor?

Thank you someecards!

What was the best thing you saw on the internet this week?

Charlene Ross

Category: Randomness and Snark