I don’t really know what I was thinking when I challenged myself (and sort of pledged, I think) to writing (and posting) one paragraph a day for 30 days. I really expected hoped to hit the ol’ “I have no idea what to write about” phase sort of mid-month rather than Day 5. (Day 5!) Though, I don’t know why I’m so surprised. I mean, I try very hard to be a funny writer and every once in a while something so terrible happens that I’m a poignant writer, but I’ve never been a prolific writer. I mean, yes, while my posts themselves are often overly long to the point of ridiculousness er.. prolific, they are usually not plentiful. And speaking of ridiculously long, who am I kidding with the whole “one paragraph” thing? Any grammarian who’s been reading my posts for the last couple of days is surely out of her mind and screaming at her computer screen, “That is not just one paragraph! It’s a bunch of paragraphs smashed into one. You’re not fooling anyone just because you refuse to hit the tab key!” Although grammarians who read my blog are probably used to shaking their heads in disgust. Especially this one and this one. (Thank you for continuing to read anyway ladies!) So today my (already more than one) paragraph is about nothing. My unimaginative brain doesn’t even have the creative capacity to figure out a picture to post. Tomorrow (and the 24 days that follow tomorrow) I hope to do better. (But I’m not holding my breath.)
Category: Randomness and Snark
Random, silly, and definitely snarky…
Why I Should Never Walk Out the Door Without my Cellphone
Modern life has made cellphones somewhat of a necessity. Any mother will tell you that they need for their children to have a phone so they can always know where they are. It’s also quite helpful with the arranging of after-school or after-sport pick-ups. Of course we grown-ups need our cellphones too. How else is our husband supposed to let us know we’re out of milk? (And more importantly how are we going tweet about the long line at the post office?) Unfortunately, much to my family and friends’ dismay I am sort of known for forgetting my cellphone. And it always seems to bite me in the ass. Just last week I was standing in line at the bank and saw Angelyne. I had the perfect shot of her to text to my friends (OMG – look who is at the bank!), though admittedly if I had had my phone I probably would have chickened out and not taken it. If you are scratching your head wondering who the LA phenomenon known as Angelyne is, Google Image her. Or just click here. I’ll wait here while you wash your eyes out. (I know, you can’t un-see that. So sorry.) Yes, she really does dress like that. And yes, she is elevendy. (My friend Tina brilliantly called Angelyne a cross between Debbie Harry and Phyllis Diller. Hot Damn, Tina is funny!) A couple of days later I was at Trader Joe’s and saw some dude wearing a light-colored Hawaiian-type shirt with dark yellow pineapples all over it and contrasting dark-colored shorts with light yellow pineapples. It looked like a grown-up version of Garanimals that had gone horribly wrong. I think he was being ironic? Or maybe he just had really bad taste. Either way, it would have been nice to snap a sneaky photo to snarkily text to my friends à la People of Wallmart style. So obviously I have to be more careful and stop leaving my house without my phone. Forget about my husband or kids needing to get a hold of me. Every time I leave my house without my phone I see something spectacular.
Photo credit: thefader.com
Why Pay Retail When You Can Get it Free on Craigslist
Oh yes, it’s that time again. Time for a little mindless fun. Why waste your time on the internet playing Spider Solitaire or Candy Crush when you can waste your time on the internet reading how I waste my time on the internet looking for free shit on Craigslist. It’s kind of like a public service.
Here are some of the treasures I spotted:
Laptop Bag
Fits up to a 17 inch laptop. Hardly used at all. Please respond with a telephone number where I can reach you.
I have an ornamental grass plant I am giving away for FREE. You dig it up & it’s yours!!
Broken TV
Anyone want a broken tv to fix or recycle? Thin line across screen.
Queen Bed, Box Spring and Frame
Need to get rid of a queen mattress, box spring and frame. The mattress is one year old. The box spring used to double as a cat hiding place and needs to new fabric on the outside. However, it is still structurally sound and the wood is in excellent condition.
Free Entertainment Center
Free. The black bookshelf is gone but the entertainment center is free for the taking.
And last, but certainly not least…
Free Bird House
Free bird house it’s heavy bring someone to help you at least 3 people and a truck.
I hope you’ve enjoyed my recap of what you can get for free on Craigslist. If anything interests you, let me know and I’ll get you the link. Remember… I do this all for you!
My 2013 (Not-So) Snarky Oscar Comments
Oh yes, awards season came to an end last night when the 2013 Oscars awarded Argo with the Academy Award for Best Picture. Hooray! I was so glad that it won. Not only because it was fantastic, but because it was one of the four nominated movies I actually saw. But who cares about that? Everyone wants to know who looked awesome (and who didn’t) on the red carpet.
I have to admit that I was highly disappointed with last night’s awards. And not just because Seth MacFarlane was kind of stiff and nervous and just sort of meh. (I didn’t mind his poor taste jokes and I actually thought the opening skit was pretty funny.)
No, my bitter disappointed was in the dresses. They were gorgeous. Every single one of them. Every actress looked stunningly beautiful. How can I make fun of all the women who are thinner, more beautiful, more talented and so much richer than me if they all look amazing. So this blog – not so snarky.
Even Helena Bonham Carter who rarely disappoints with her poor sense of style looked pretty.
Okay, it looks like she’s wearing a prom dress, but for her, this look is downright glamorous.
And Jessica Chastain obviously read what I wrote about her awful Golden Globes look, because she looked beautiful as well. (A gorgeous dress that fits + side-parted hair = Red Carpet Glam Jessica!)
Although….
Kristen Cheoweth. That dress is stunning! Your plastic surgery – not so much. Unless perhaps that bun on top of your head (which is adorable BTW) is pulled to tight?
All snarkiness aside, I’ve always thought Kristen a true beauty and it saddens me to see that she has jumped onto the plastic surgery bandwagon. Please 40ish actresses – take a cue from your elder stateswomen like Meryll Streep, Sally Field or Helen Mirren who are aging so gracefully. (And if they’ve had work done then by all means see whoever it is they’re seeing and then give me their number!)
And speaking of Kristen Chenoweth – did you see her interview Bradley Cooper? She took off her shoe to compare her shortness with his mother’s shortness (he brought his mom – swoon) and he knelt down and helped her put it back on. (Double swoon Prince Charming!)
A lot of the actresses seemed to be wearing their hair ala Rita Hayworth circa 1940-something…
And what an excellent choice. It’s such a soft, pretty look.
Reece Witherspoon rocked the look. I loved her with bangs at the 2007 Oscars, but I might love this vintage Hollywood glam look even more.
My favorite dress of the night was Zoe Saldana’s. I loved the flowers on top, the belt, the funky side-bow and the flowy bottom.
I tried very hard to find something snarky and mean to say about Zoe, because rumor has it that she and my future-weekend-lover Bradley Cooper are still (or back) together. But I couldn’t. I mean look at her. She’s perfect. (Bitch!)
My second favorite dress of the night (a very close 2nd) was Jennifer Garner’s. (I first fell in love with Bradley Cooper when his Will Tippin pined away for Jennifer’s Sydney Bristow on Alias – hmmm… is there a theme here?)
Anne Hathaway can do no wrong in my book. Everyone knew she would win last night. Her portrayal of Fantine was spectacularly gut wrenching. I mean, I started to cry when they showed the little 5 second clip when they were announcing the nominees. And her speeches are always so graceful. She is a true class act. And her dress – fabulous! (BTW – those are darts in her dress, not her nipples people!)
And with that I think I will wrap up my take on last night’s fashions. As much as red carpet train wrecks boost my self-esteem as I sit on the floor in stretched out yoga pants and fold laundry while I watch the awards, I suppose I should take the high road and be happy that everyone looked so lovely. They’ve earned it.
But I will close with this…
“Did the woman in the gold dress just get plastic surgery? Her face looks like this,” Marley asked as she made a scrunchy face. She was talking about Renee Zellweger. That might be mean of me to mention, but she used to date Bradley Cooper, so I can’t really be held responsible for my actions when it comes to her.
(And yes, I know I already posted this photo. I just thought you might want to see it again. You’re welcome!)
Adendum: I was going to mention Kristen Stewart and then I changed my mind. I think because I could only find red carpet photos of her and she looked fine. But at the podium? WTF! Why is she famous? Why do producers keep putting her on awards shows? She always seems so put out to be there. If it’s for the young Twilight fans, even 12-year-old Marley says Blech when she sees her. I think this e-card sums her up nicely:
Photo credits:
Kristen Chenoweth: Just Jared.com / Reece Witherspoon: Celebrity Gossip.net / Zoe Saldona: Gossip Center.com / Jennifer Garner: Getty via Just Jared.com / Bradley Cooper: Photo by Jason Merritt – © 2013 Getty Images / Jessica Chastain: JustJared.com / Helena Bonham Carter: Birminghampost.net / Anne Hathaway: JustJared.com
The Inspiration for Michelle Obama’s Bangs
Extra Extra read all about it Michelle Obama has bangs. (And she looks awesome right?) The world is all a-twitter about it. (And not just Twitter. Everyone is talking about Michelle Obama’s bangs!)
But where did Michelle Obama get the idea to change her look? Who inspired her to cut her hair? Who know how to rock bangs like nobody’s business?
Look, I’m not saying that she called me on the phone and asked if she could steal borrow my look. (I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.) But her husband does follow me on Twitter. He’s even DM’d me. (What do you mean it was one of his staffers and not really him?!)
All I’m saying is that I’ve been rockin’ the bang look for some time now (as in FOREVER) and something like 300 people (different people) read my blog last month, so you know, I’m pretty famous now. It’s totally obvious that she got her inspiration from me!
And if my silly blog didn’t make you laugh, this certainly will…
Daily Show: The Best F#@king News Team Ever & Inauguration Fashions
Image of Michelle Obama from: www.novafm.com.au
Random Things: My Crazy Dog, Downton Abbey and More
Happy Friday! It’s time for everyone’s favorite blog: My Random Things Blog. What? Not your favorite? Well, my cousin likes it. I assumed she spoke for everyone!
Random Things #1: My Crazy Dog. We gave our dog Rocky some chew toys for Christmas. (Because, you know, we didn’t want him to feel left out when we were opening Christmas presents.) He took the word chew to heart. This little stuffed lion might have started the day thinking he was king of the jungle, but after one hour with my beast of the house he was torn to shreds.
Random Things #2 Meatless Monday. I’m trying to be better about instituting Meatless Mondays into our weekly meal plan. Of course because of the picky eaters in my family (*cough my children cough*) all we ever have for Meatless Monday is pasta. And that’s starting to get a little boring. Anyone have any healthy recipes for Meatless Monday that a picky eater might eat? Please note that Chandler doesn’t like pizza. (Yeah, I know.) Or beans. And Marley doesn’t like fish. What’s that you say? How ’bout pasta? Sigh…
Random Things #3 Downton Abbey. Dave and I are a bit late to the party and have just started watching Downton Abbey Season 1. I was trying to explain to Marley the premise of the show and she said, “So she has to marry her cousin? Like a gypsy? Or a hillbilly?” Hysterical, but I think she nailed it. Turns out the English monarchy may have more in common with the “lower class” than we may think!
Random Things #4 I’ve got nothing! Ugh! I had something else. I’m pretty sure it was hysterical even. Even funnier than gypsies and rednecks. But I’ve lost it. It’s gone. I had it yesterday when I was writing my blog in my head. But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, if I don’t write things down they might as well not exist. When I remember I’ll let you know. In the meantime I’ll keep this blog short & sweet and wish you a wonderful weekend.
I’d love it if you told me one random thing…
Downton Abbey photo credit: Gary Bembridge via creative commons
My 2013 Annual Snarky Golden Globe Comments
Oh yes, it is that time of year again – awards’ season. And everyone knows (well maybe not everyone) that if there’s one thing I love to do, it’s make snarky comments about the red carpet and the awards themselves from the comfort of my home as I sit crisscross on the den floor, in men’s flannel pajama bottoms folding a week’s worth of laundry in front of my circa 1986 25 inch TV .
But this year I was not crisscross on the floor in pajama pants. I was wearing jeans and a purple leopard print cardigan, purchased on sale at Target the day after Christmas, that fashion-know-nothing Chandler gave a big thumbs down to. I even put on a little bit of eye shadow.
No, it wasn’t for the awards. (I have a black tafetta dress for that.) I had some girlfriends over for a vision board party and the red carpet was only on in the background -on mute- and I missed most of the pre-show prancing.
So I was going to skip it this year. But then I got a post on my Facebook page from my funny friend Tina who was looking forward to my commentary. And I hate to disappoint the people I love. (Which is weird, because if you ask my children they’ll tell you I’m very good at it. Disappointing the people I love specifically them.)
But I digress… and so here it is… My Annual Snarky Golden Globe Comments (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them) – the 2013 Addition…
ANNE HATHAWAY…
I’ve always really liked Anne Hathaway, but after seeing Les Miserables, in my eyes she can do no wrong. Her gut wrenching performance of Fantine had me bawling. Snot-running-down-my-face-even-though-I’m-desperately-trying-to-hide-it-because-I-was-sitting-next-to-my-15-year-old-son BAWLING. (If she doesn’t win the Oscar on February 24 I will throw something heavy at my TV screen.) I loved her dress, loved her hair, and loved, Loved, LOVED her speech.
HALLE BERRY…
I really loved Halle Berry’s dress and she always looks stunning. But what’s with the pose in this photo Halle? That’s so Angelina Jolie 2012. (Of course who am I kidding – if I had a leg that looked like that I’d stick it out for everyone to see too!)
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
What the Freaking What was going on with the top of Jennifer Lawrence’s dress? Her boobs look like bullets. Seriously, was that some sort of bullet-proof costumery stolen from the Hunger Games set? (Cinna, you can do better!) The rest of the dress is gorgeous, but that bustier portion needs some serious work. Of course Jennifer is only 22 so I suppose she can get away with that sort of thing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
How sexy does Ewan McGregor look in this picture. Answer: SO DAMN SEXY! You know how he would look even sexier? If I were on his arm instead of his wife. Look, I think it’s great that Ewan is happily married and is faithful to his longtime wife Eve, and yes that love and loyalty only adds to his sexiness, but I’ve loved him since seeing him in Shallow Grave in 1995 on a trip to England, years before anyone in the states even knew who he was. I’ve loved him at least as long as she has. Isn’t that worth him considering taking me to an awards show instead of her? Just once? I promise not to wear anything stupid on my head (like she always seems to do).
JESSICA CHASTAIN
I don’t even know what to say about this dress – except um… NO! The fit is funky, the color is kind of weird and it is just not flattering at all. And her hair?! Ugh! What is with those roots? It looks like she’s in serious need of a dye job!
I know this is short (for me), but as I said, I wasn’t going to write this at all. So I will end my (not very) snarky snarks here and end them on a high note.
I just loved Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Like Anne Hathaway, they can do no wrong in my eyes. They are funny, brilliant, awesome women. They both looked spectacular and freaking killed it last night. Killed it! (That James Cameron joke – almost peed my pants!) In case you missed the opening of the show, here it is for you. Enjoy. (And you’re welcome!)
Duct Tape, Bananagrams, The Whistle Song and other Random Things
Duct tape, Bananagrams and Whistle? Yes, welcome to the random inner workings of my brain. And even though my first Friday Random Things blog did not really get a lot of views or comments, I’ve never let a bad idea (or bad writing) stop me. Besides, I can’t really think about anything interesting enough to write about this week, so I’m going to continue on and write about 5 uninteresting, totally random things instead.
Random Things #1: Whistle. Marley and I were in the car the other day singing along to Whistle by Flo Rida. (I can’t help it, it’s catchy.) As we sang the words:
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I’m gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
I remembered that the other day Marley and I were talking about something and she said, “Mom, I know more than you think I do.” Ugh. I’m sure she does. But I really hope she doesn’t know what the words to Whistle mean. (It kind of makes you long for the days of Like A Virgin!)
Random Things #2 End of the World. The world is supposed to end today. If I were cool and had my act together I’d have some sort of End of the World Party. But I’m not (cool) and I don’t (have my act together) so I’ll probably do what I do most Friday nights – try to convince my family to play Bananagrams and end up watching episodes of 30 Rock from the DVR queue while playing Words with Friends as a consolation when they all say no instead. I know, I know, once again you are all jealous of my exciting rockstar suburban life.
Random Things #3 Kickboxing is my muse. My gym has an awesome kickboxing class. And for some reason, whenever I am in it I get brilliant ideas. I mean brilliant! And of course every writer knows that if you don’t write your brilliant idea down, you will lose it, no matter how inspiring. So I run out of the class and ask the people at the front desk for a pen and paper to jot my idea down quickly so I don’t drip sweat all over the counter. My friend who manages the gym told me that she’s going to get me Post-it notes for Christmas. You might be wondering where all these brilliant ideas are that I keep running out of class to write. Well, if you are wondering that, that’s just mean because isn’t it obvious? No?! Sigh…
Random Things #4 Duct Tape fixes everything! Every other year I get new slippers for Christmas. (Picked out by me, handed to Dave with a, “Here wrap these and give them to me for Christmas.”) Yeah, just like Friday nights at the Ross household is off-the-charts crazy fun, the gift giving at Christmas is equally enviable! My slippers that are soon to be retiring are dying. And I mean dying. One of them is cracked at the bottom and I keep tripping when I wear them because they bend and catch on things. Of course the solution to this duct tape. (Take that MacGyver!) The only problem is that after a few days the duct tape starts to scrunch up and the bottom of my slipper is sticky from the tape and starts collecting dog hair and whatever else is on my floor and I have to start over with brand new tape. I’m very happy Christmas is only a few days away. Mostly because I’m running out of duct tape.
Random Things #5 Thank you. The world is supposed to end today. (Though I have a feeling that instead I’ll be getting new slippers for Christmas on Tuesday and writing more unbrilliant random things next Friday.) If it doesn’t, be thankful. Be a little kinder. Kiss someone and tell them that you love them. Hold the door open for someone. Play Banangrams with your mother when she asks you to. Be the best you, you can possibly be. I thank you all for reading my silly words. It means the world to me!
A Weird Search Word, Dirty Dishes and Other Random Things
I’m considering adding a Friday “Random Things” post to my blog. We’ll see how this one goes.
Random Things #1: The search word (or search words). I won’t lie – the search word (or search words) that leads people to my blog fascinate me. Here is a photo of the search terms that brought people to my website this week:
Not sure if I should be flattered or insulted with that last one. Some other past search words for my blog have been: diet eating of rice in breakfast (there were 2 searches for that!), remark i’m in love with a dress (huh?), is gas x yummy (well, I take it in pill form, so… no), ross thanksgiving (do I have a stalker?) , adam ant girlfriend 2012 (it’s me!), and too many cabbage soup diet variations to mention!
These brown boots were originally posted here and are my top search by far!
Random Things #2: I thought that Marley put the dishes away the other morning without being asked. (Fantastic – right?) But she said her father told her to do it. (Well, she still did it quietly and without complaint.) The problem was the dishes were dirty. You’d think she might have noticed. (She didn’t.)
Random Things #3: I decorated our piano for Christmas with my Santas and snowmen. After it looked perfect Marley added some vintage snowflakes, weird Christmas cows, a few extra Santas and snowmen and I did not have a control-freak-anal-attack about it (even inwardly… much). And just now when I went to place a link on a blog I wrote last year for skirt called Controlling Christmas about my anal-tree-decorating tendencies, only to find that the blog has disappeared from the web-o-sphere and only the comments remain, I didn’t freak out about that either. Though it might make me drink. (Where did my blog go?)
(BTW – this piano is for sale. Would you like to buy it?)
Random Things #4: I love kissing Santas…
And snowmen… (and no that does not count as Random Things #5)
Random Things #5: Chandler drove on the freeway for the first time this week. It was on Sunday morning when the traffic was light. Dave was in the front passenger seat and I was in the back. Thank god! I might have had a heart attack if I rode in the front. Chandler did great. I think he’s going to be a good, conscientious driver. But driving with your first-born –your baby- on the freeway… I don’t recommend it without Xanax. I think I’d rather spend the day riding roller coasters at Magic Mountain. (And I’m pretty much done with roller coasters.)
I think five random things are enough random things for today. Tell me something random about your week.
*Photo of Scream roller coaster taken by Joel Rogers via http://www.coastergallery.com
My Annual Snarky Emmy Remarks (Because I’m so Qualified to Give Them!)
I was outside in Los Angeles on Sunday afternoon and let me tell you it was hot. And I don’t mean a little bit. I mean the kind of hot where if you’re wearing a skirt sweat runs down your legs and makes little puddles at your feet. I think the fact that I didn’t see one actress break even a tiny bit of a sweat when they were on the red carpet proves what I have always known – actresses (like models) are genetic freaks and not remotely human.
Kristin Wiig looked beautiful, and I loved her dress, but honestly she looked more like she was going to a summer cocktail BBQ instead of TV’s biggest night.
I do not know what was going on with that harsh hair-do of January Jones – but her dress – OMG – I LOVED it! I usually like the simpler outfits, I like simple elegance, and this dress is definitely not simple, there is a lot going on, but I just loved it. (But it would have looked soooo much better if she had worn her hair down with soft curls.)
Ginnifer Goodwin – looved her red-orange dress – it had a very retro 50’s glam feel to it. And that pixie-short hair – adorable!
Elizabeth Moss – love the blonde hair and the beautiful oriental-inspired flower print of her Dolce and Gabana dress. Definitely one of my favorites.
Edie Falco – WOW! That Stella McCartney dress was just stunning. This is what I’m talking about when I say simple elegance. It is daring without being slutty. Edie is 2 years older than me and it’s obvious I need to win the Lotto so I can hire her personal trainer. (My mid-life muffin top would just spill over that belt!) I also love her simple low ponytail and pretty eye make-up. I think she might be my favorite of the night. Gorgeous!
Hmmm… I’m looking over this post and realizing, not so snarky. Darn it – I hate when everyone looks great. Well, almost everyone…
Uh Heidi – aren’t you the host of a show about aspiring fashion designers? Is that where this dress came from? Was there some sort of challenge to turn a retro one-piece swimsuit into an evening gown? Because seriously, that’s what this looks like to me. Those slits are not sexy, they’re just weird.
Did you notice that all the actresses who wore yellow won an Emmy? I liked Claire Danes’ and Julie Bowen’s dresses, but I did not like Julianne Moore’s dress. I thought the yellow was a little on the pukey side (just a little) and I don’t know – it’s the type of simple dress I usually love, but I have to say, I was underwhelmed by it. I am so glad that Julianne Moore won however – her portrayal of Sarah Palin was dead on!)
As for the awards themselves, I loved the opening skit with the fabulous ladies of comedy. (Leah Dunham – you are AWESOME and have an amazing future in front of you.) And speaking of comedy – the bit with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Amy Poeler when Julia won was fantastic! (I wonder if all the nominees had been in on that and it would have gone off no matter who won – I hope so.) And Jon Stewart wrestling in the aisle with Jimmy Falon and Stephen Colbert and then coming up on stage to give a wonderful, funny, classy speech – swoon… will you please be my boyfriend?
What did you think of the Emmy Awards this year? And what dresses did you love? (Or hate?) I’d love to know!
Charlene Ross 