Music That Made Me

May 19, 2015February 29, 2016 charleneaross10 Comments

Last week (or I guess the week before, I’m always behind) Rolling Stone Magazine had a cover story called “The Music That Made Me” in which musicians wrote about the songs had the biggest influence on their lives. A super cool blogger I follow named Nancy Davis Kho who writes about music and life in her blog Midlife Mixtape wrote her own list and asked other bloggers to link up and do the same.

I love music and feel happiest when I’m listening to it and when I think of the music of my life, the songs that made me, these are the ones that come to mind.

1. Crocodile Rock by Elton John

I grew up listening to Elton John and Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Player was on heavy rotation at our house. (I was fascinated by the name of that album.) Oh how I loved to place the needle on the groove for “Crocodile Rock” and do the twist in my living room while singing, “I remember when rock was young. Me and Suzie had so much fun…” My mother’s name is Susan and my dad called her Suzie – and hearing your mom’s name in a song when you’re seven years old? What’s cooler than that?

2. Lyin’ Eyes by The Eagles

This is really something I probably shouldn’t admit, but as we discuss often in my writing group, if you want your writing to be good it has to be honest. Raw. And I don’t know what’s more honest or raw (or totally embarrassing) than me admitting that when I was in 7th grade I would listen to this song over and over again, acting out the lyrics and imaging myself performing it on The New Mickey Mouse Club with Todd Turquand who was a new mouseketeer and the object of my tween crush. What? You didn’t act out songs about adultery in your living room with obscure celebrities when you were eleven years old? That’s weird.

3. Rumors by Fleetwood Mac

I’m totally cheating here by choosing an album and not a song, but it’s my list and I’ll cheat if I want to. Fleetwood Mac was the first band I ever saw in concert. (I was eleven years old.) My sister is named Rhiannon. I chose “Landslide” as the song for the father-daughter dance at my wedding. The fact that neither of those songs was on this album is irrelevant, it just goes to show you how important Fleetwood Mac is to the background music of my life. This is a desert island album for sure and I won’t Sophie’s Choice one song. I refuse.

4. Vacation by The Go Go’s

I worshiped the Go Go’s when I was in high school. Belinda, Jane, Charlotte, Gina and Kathy were the coolest of the cool girls. “Vacation” came out the summer before my senior year. I like songs that tell a story. And what better story for a girl entering young adulthood than a summer romance and a broken heart?

5. Burn for You by INXS

Anyone who knows even the bare minimum about me knows that INXS is my all-time favorite band of ever. They changed my life. Literally and for the better. Michael Hutchence was the ultimate rock god and has spent more time in my fantasy life than all others combined. (Sorry Bradley.) Most casual INXS fans would probably pick “Don’t Change” or “Need You Tonight” or “Disappear,” but I’m sticking with “Burn for You” simply because it makes me feel good.

6. Slave to Love by Bryan Ferry

My friend Simmah and I backpacked through Europe during the summer of 1986. We stayed on a boatel (no that’s not a typo, that’s a hotel on a docked boat) in Amsterdam for five nights. Every morning at breakfast they played the same mix tape, but the only song I remember was “Slave to Love.” Every time I hear this melodic masterpiece I am immediately brought back to that boat and to the best summer of my life.

7. One Tree Hill by U2

I suppose I could say any song on The Joshua Tree, which might possibly be my most favorite album of all time, but I have always been particularly drawn to “One Tree Hill.” When I heard it was written about their friend Greg Carroll who was killed in a motorcycle accident in July 1986 I was haunted. When Simmah and I left for that trip to Europe, a girl that we worked with from New Zealand named Kim gave us the address and phone number of her friend Greg Carroll, a fellow New Zealander who was living in London and working as a roadie for U2. I still have his information in my scrapbook. We were in London in June and I think we tried to call, I really can’t remember, but we didn’t end up getting in touch with him. Still, the song makes me feel oddly connected to him even though we never met. Sort of in the way I felt connected to the people on Pan Am 103 that crashed in Lockerbie less than I week after I returned home from a semester in London. There were students on the plane on a similar semester abroad. One night a boy from that program flirted with me at a bar. I’ve always wondered if he was on that plane. I think my friend Harvey who went to London with me was supposed to be on that plane. Or how all of us feel connected to the people who died on 9/11. Not just because it was an attack on our country, but because we all know someone who lost someone or knows someone who was there. A brother. A cousin. A friend of a friend. “One Tree Hill” makes me feel connected to someone I almost knew but didn’t in that way. In a way that makes you feel that we’re all just hanging on by a thread that can be snipped so easily. That feeling is what makes me try to live my best life by recognizing the simple joy of ordinary moments in ordinary days. Savoring the smell of jasmine as I pass it on a run. Dancing in the kitchen to my current favorite song when I make dinner. Basking in the calmness of night turning into day as I sit at my laptop and type.

8. Thank You by Dido

Dido’s love song about how the crappiest day can be the very best day when spent with someone you love always brings me back to my very best day (which was not crappy at all). I do not seek this song out or listen to if often, but when I hear it on the radio it always makes me smile.

9. Have I Told You Lately by Van Morrison

I really didn’t start listening to Van Morrison much until I met my husband. Introducing me to Van the Man might just be the reason I agreed to marry him. Well, that and he makes me laugh every day. Still. This was the first song we danced to together at our wedding. Enough said.

10. I Don’t Want This Night To End by Luke Bryan

I know, I know. One of these things is not like the other. Two years ago my friend Trixie (you’ve all figured out I don’t use my friends’ real names right?) invited Simmah and I to join her at the Stagecoach Music Festival to celebrate Simmah’s birthday. I wasn’t a country music fan (at all) but Trixie was working for the company that put on the festival and it was a free trip to Palm Desert. (If it’s free, it’s for me!) I started listening to country music before the trip so I would be somewhat familiar and found myself singing along to this song the first time I heard it. I knew is was kind of hokey, and possibly even bad, but it was catchy. A guilty pleasure. And I loved it. (By the way, this is not the first bad song that I have loved.) It was my gateway to country music. I’ve been to Stagecoach three times now and hit the Go Country 105 button every day. I guess you could say I have this song to thank for that.

Now that you know how truly weird I am, I’d love to know what songs made you. Let me know in the comment section. And check out the songs that made other bloggers in the links below.

The Songs That Made:

Midlife Mixtape

Up Popped a Fox

When Did I Get Like This?

I Miss You When I Blink

My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog

Butterfly Confessions

Good Day, Regular People

Alone With My Thoughts

The Prodigal Son’s Mother

My Perfect Week

December 5, 2014December 5, 2014 charleneaross6 Comments

During a perfect week I wash my hair on Sundays and Wednesdays so I only have to take the time to blow dry my hair once during the work week. Please don’t confuse this with I only shower on Sundays and Wednesdays. (I actually wouldn’t mind that, but my co-workers might.) That’s what shower caps are for. Yes, my hair is a disaster on Saturdays and spends all day in a frizzy mess of a ponytail. Or under a hat. But I’m a forty-nine year old suburbanite. We don’t go out most Saturday nights.

On a typical week something goes awry in my allowable-hair-dirtiness plan and I end up washing my hair twice during the work week making my hair look better, but also making me late(r than usual) to work.

On a perfect week I start my Sunday morning with a four mile run at 7:30 completed in forty-four minutes. (Hey, I just started running a year ago. And I’m old. And not racing anybody. So shut up about how slow I am!) Then I have coffee with my friends around a fire pit at Stonehaus. (Who yes, if you must know all finished before me. Even the ones who ran five miles.) I get up at five o’clock to write even on Sundays so I have plenty of time to pack some Greek yogurt (the delicious full-fat kind) and fruit or put some oatmeal and peanut butter in a thermos to take with me for breakfast after the run. (Yes, I take my own breakfast to a coffee house. Shhh! I’m on a budget!)

On a typical week I “sleep in” until six, waste time on Facebook, lose track of time and rush out the door at 7:26, with no time to make breakfast and making my friends wait in the cold for me to arrive so I can run behind them.

On a perfect week I clean my room on Sundays, do all my laundry, put it all away, and pick out my outfits for the week including accessories.

On a typical week I manage to do all my laundry, but don’f fold it until nine o’clock while we’re watching The Walking Dead, and put it in a laundry basket where it will remain (in the den) until ~~Tuesday, okay Wednesday~~ Friday. I kind of visualize in my head what I’ll wear that week (and still change 2-3 times each morning before putting the original outfit back on). My room remains a mess for another week.

During a perfect week I will go to Trader Joe’s and Costco on Sunday, plan my meals for the week, and not have to return to the store until the following Sunday.

On a typical week we will run out of milk on Tuesday morning. Wednesday night if I buy two. And that Tuesday or Wednesday milk-run will likely be the second time since my Sunday shopping trips that I have to run back to Trader Joe’s to pick up something I forgot. I will probably go a minimum of two more times until the following Sunday. (Sometimes those two times will happen on the same day.)

During a perfect week I will get my shopping done early so I have time to do some cooking for the week. I’ll cook some ground turkey and quinoa and roast some vegetables then chop them up small with my Pampered Chef food chopper and mix it all together. Then I’ll put the mixture into five containers, the turkey and quinoa weighed and measured for the appropriate protein to carb ratio (20g protein, 30g carbs), ready for grab-and-go lunches for the week. As I’m preparing my lunches I’ll also make a nice Sunday dinner, and put together some gringo enchiladas (only gringos use cream cheese and flour tortillas for enchiladas) or a meatloaf to pop into the oven one night during the week.

green-chile-enchiladas — Yes, I stole this photo from Pinterest. You can get the photo credit and recipe for these yummy enchiladas for gringos here.

On a typical week I don’t make it to the market until 4:00 when it’s overcrowded and they are out of at least one of the things I want the most. I get home much too late to make my turkey quinoa mash, but at least I managed to buy broccoli slaw and kale to mix together for salads that will be made in the morning instead of the night before, making me late(r) and will surely get stuck in my teeth (which is awesome because I usually eat lunch at my desk). I also remember that gringo enchiladas are too fattening and that my kids hate meatloaf. (Even though, trust me, my meatloaf recipe, which is actually my Uncle John’s meatloaf recipe, is the bomb. I will have to post it one day.)

During a perfect week I will pop out of bed every morning at the first sound of my 5AM alarm, pour myself a cup of coffee that has already been brewed because it was set up the night before and I will write.

But y’all know I never have perfect weeks don’t you?

Women are Better Writers than Men (Obviously)

October 13, 2014July 17, 2017 charleneaross2 Comments

I love to read. And I love to write. (Actually I hate to write, but somehow feel compelled to torture myself by writing anyway. I’m quirky like that.) You’d think with all the reading and writing I do (which truth be told is not nearly as much as I’d like of either), my grammar would rock. But it doesn’t. It stinks.

If only there was a place that would do a grammar check for me. You know, sort of like an online English teacher at my beck and call whenever I needed her to make sure my formatting and sentence structure and punctuation were correct. Wait a minute, there is. And it’s called Grammarly. Yep, it’s as if your English teacher followed you home to remind you when to properly use lay or lie and was or were. (But this one won’t make you write a five paragraph expository essay on the theme of The Great Gatsby.)

Recently the fine people over at Grammarly took a poll of over 3,000 people to determine once and for all who are better writers – women or men. And it turns out that the ladies are the winners on this one. Hey, I like to read both male and female authors, but who am I to argue when over 3,000 people say girls are better than boys? Check out the results on the infographic below:

So you see – whenever people read what I write and think I take way too much time blathering on (and on and on) with my ridiculously long sentences what they need to realize is I’m writing descriptively. I’m developing my plot. And my characters. I’m being better.

Disclaimer: In exchange for writing this post Grammarly.com is donating $50 to Reading is Fundamental in my name. But please be assured that the belief that women are superior is not only held by me, but by 59% of the 3,000+ people polled above.

Are Yours Real or Fake?

August 21, 2014August 21, 2014 charleneaross4 Comments

When I first started blogging I didn’t really think about it. I just jumped in and started to write. I chose my name as my blog handle instead of something clever and cute because I wanted to get my name out there (and because try as I might I’m really not that clever and too old to be cute).

And one of the things I didn’t really consider was whether or not I should use my children’s real names when I blog. Some people do, some people don’t, but the point is, it wasn’t even a consideration with me. On my very first blog I wrote about my kids’ inability to get along and just typed out their little names for everyone in cyberspace to see.

Hello, Bad Mom of the Year Award 2008.

Of course I may be a bad mom putting my kids’ names along with their private business onto people’s computer screens, but I always change or eliminate my friends’ names when I have a funny or potentially embarrassing story about a girlfriend to tell.

For example, last week when my girlfriend told me that she was mortified because her cleaning lady found her vibrator under her bed and placed it standing up and her night table, I told her that that would definitely be something I’d have to work into my blog. (See how I just did that?)

“If you use my name I’ll sue you,” she told me.

“I would never,” I said. And I won’t.

Yes, I am a bad mom, but really, really good friend.

I have another concern as well: as my kids get older and I tell the world my story, do I have the right to tell theirs? I’m not very discrete and I know that I tend to over-share, but I really don’t tell all of it. Trust me, there are so many gems I would love to write about as they would be fantastic, interesting, sweet, funny blogs, but I don’t in the name of privacy. (And let me tell you – it kills me I keep them to myself!)

I’ve thought about going through every blog I’ve ever posted and changing my kid’s names, but considering I’ve written well over 100 and can’t even get to the things on my list that would only take 5 minutes of my time (some of which are incredibly & ridiculously important), I don’t see it happening any time soon.

And I wonder too, why does it really matter? I’m just a suburban mom who writes a little blog. I don’t think anyone cares or has given it any thought. (Until, you know, now.) We all know the names of famous people’s kids. Why not un-famous people’s kids?

Am I harming them? Have I told too much? Eh, that’s what psychiatrists’ couches are for.

Six years into blogging and seventeen and a half years into motherhood and I’m still trying to figure this whole Internet and blogging and motherhood thing out.

Has anybody really figured it out?

*Edited and slightly updated this post first appeared on the now-defunct skirt.com blog on January 10, 2011.

Why I Write (Since You Asked)

April 14, 2014 charleneaross6 Comments

Well, Kim asked anyway. And since I want to be a writer like Kim when I grow up (you know, one who actually gets paid to do it – on a regular basis), when Kim asks, I answer.

She invited me to participate in a blog tour called My Writing Process (#mywritingprocess). My Writing Process is apparently a way to connect with other bloggers who identify themselves as writers. Yes, all bloggers write, but that doesn’t necessarily make them writers. (One look at Pinterest will tell you that.) I do not say that with any sort of snobbery or contempt (I mean, come on, what I write is certainly not literature), but to say people blog for different reasons. Some blog to show off their DIY prowess, some blog recipes, some blog simply to make money, and some of us, we blog to write. I blog to write.

So now I have to answer some questions and then pay this ~~task~~ privilege forward to three more writers who have blogs.

1. Why do I write what I do?

I walk around all day with a lot of chatter in my head. When I’m driving to work, when I’m running, when I’m fixing dinner my head is filled with incredibly clever and funny things to write. Things I must write. Of course then I sit down to write them and they escape me. What was that brilliantly funny thing I conjured up in the car on the way to work? I’ll think to myself. And I can’t remember. Or worse I do remember and once I type it out I see it wasn’t very brilliant at all. It’s torturous. (And trust me when I say that all writers are tortured.) But every once in a while that thing does work on paper (or the screen) and it’s clever and funny and brilliant (okay, I’ve never actually been brilliant) and that makes the torture almost worth it.

Also, I talk a lot (a lot) so I guess writing is just another way for me to keep talking when no one is around. I’m kidding. (A little.) I think writing is a way of connecting with people. There are so many times I read things and think to myself, “Yeah, I feel that way too,” so I hope what I have to say (or rather what I write) resonates with people. That they read my words and think, “Yeah, I feel that way too.”

Plus if you want to know the dirty truth, I like people to tell me I’m awesome. But people don’t tend to walk up to me and say, “Hey Charlene, I think you’re awesome.” But they do sometimes walk up to me and say, “You’re blog post was so funny.” Which is sort of the same thing.

So I guess I write what I do to quiet the voices in my head, to connect with people, and to fulfill my sad and desperate need for approval. And to torture myself. (And feel awesome.)

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Do I have a genre? I don’t consider myself a “Mommy Blogger” because I rarely write about my kids these days. At 17 and 13, I feel I don’t have the right to tell their story anymore. (Though every once in a while I can’t help myself.) So whatever my genre is – personal essay, lifestyle, or as I like to call it – “slice-of-life,” I guess what makes my work different is that they’re my stories to tell. The crazy chatter from my brain. Of course that makes everyone’s work different doesn’t it? I suppose others are much better at getting to the point. I’ve always admired others who can say a lot with very few words, where as I tend to do the opposite, which is saying very little with as many words as possible. (For example I could have cut the last eleven words out of the previous sentence and it would have had the same meaning, but I just can’t! And this post? Waaaay too long. Sorry about that!)

3. How does your writing process work?

I get up early – 5:00 almost every day (yes, even weekends) to write. The plan is to pour a cup of coffee sit down in the quiet calm of my house and write. I don’t have an office, so I sit with my laptop at the kitchen table in my daughter’s spot. I don’t know why I always choose her chair over my own. Maybe because it looks out into the backyard. I open the curtains and watch the night turn to day as I tap away at my keyboard. Or sometimes I will write in a notebook – three pages, for those of you familiar with “morning pages.” I wrote the first draft book that way – pen to paper in the wee morning hours. Well, that is ideally how my writing process works – early, alone, in the dark.

Lately it is something much closer to what happened today. It’s Saturday as I start to write this and I’ve gone to bed late every night this week so I allowed myself to “sleep in” until about 6:15 this morning. I planned to walk the dog at 7:00 and go for a three mile run at 8:00, so I knew I wouldn’t have much time, but I wanted to get a few thoughts out. Then I went on TimeSuck – I mean Facebook, so no writing took place – unless you call commenting on the triumphs and tragedies and (mostly) minutiae of my friends’ lives and informing them about the triumphs and tragedies and (mostly) minutiae of mine writing.

After the Facebooking and the dog walking and the running I woke Marley up and made her breakfast and then took her to an event at school. I was home a little before 10:00 and Chandler and Dave had left for the day, but instead of coming back to write immediately I rolled on my foam roller to work out the kinks from running, took a shower (well, after the running that was fairly necessary), threw a load of laundry in the washer, stripped my bed (but decided I’d put my clean sheets on later), cried my eyes out as I read the article in the Times about that horrific bus crash carrying college-bound high school students to Humbolt, and then threw the load in the dryer (after taking the time to hang my gym clothes and delicates), and then finally sat down to write this post. I typed two sentences and the phone rang. It was Marley, ready to be picked up.

I picked her up, took her to the library, went to Trader Joes’s for necessities (milk and wine), came home, had lunch, and then went to her lacrosse game. (Marley was goalie, her team won, it was awesome!) We returned at 3:30, I put clean sheets on my bed, stopped myself from taking the time to do the pillow cases, and sat down to write.

Phew!

Oh, I didn’t finish of course. I only had about half an hour before I had to do other things. So I got up at 5:00 Sunday morning and wrote some more (like I was supposed to – alone and in the dark). And now I’m finishing this early Monday.

So I guess you could say my process is to get up early under the guise of writing and then avoid writing as much as possible until I can’t avoid it any longer. I don’t know why I procrastinate. I think is has something to do with the torture. Or maybe so I can convince myself that my writing sucks because I “don’t have time” to do it properly.

4. What am I working on?

Hmmm… other than avoidance? Good question.

Another rejection letter, that was fairly constructive rather than the standard “it’s not you, it’s us, but really it’s you because your writing sucks” form letter, is forcing me to look at my novel again. What can I take out without losing my voice? How can I punch it up? Make it funnier? Make you want to read more. I’m actually considering changing my beloved first line -my hook- which I’ve held onto as if my life depended on it. But perhaps the life of my book depends on me letting it go.

And I recently wrote a piece for Listen to Your Mother that got rejected. Which is fine, really. (Though it does make me ~~bitter~~ petty enough to not give them a link.) There were only 12 spots available and I think that at least 14 people auditioned, so you know, odds were against me. In all seriousness, unlike the poorly edited drivel I usually post here, it’s a kick-ass piece that has a place somewhere, so I need to shop it.

And of course I try to post here every Monday, but as I’ve stated, the chatter in my head often doesn’t translate to my fingers.

Okay, are we done with this? Now that I’ve bored you all to tears if you’ve even made it this far (which I suspect most people haven’t – I probably wouldn’t) and you no longer like me because you’ve figured out how weird I am?

Anyway, now is the part where I pick three people to keep this tour moving. Picking only three people is very hard. Picking three people who will actually do it (and not murder me) is even harder, but here are my three:

Tina Drakakis – my soul mate from skirt.com. Yeah, I always pick her for things. Because she is kick ass and awesome and 1,000 times funnier than me, which makes me really want to hate her, but I can’t because I love her too much. Plus she’s been posting a lot to her blog lately, but I haven’t seen much that is new, so I’m giving her a kick in the butt to get back at it. She loves it when I do that. (Or maybe not.)

Rina Nedar – her blog, Mommy Has a Story, is quite lovely. You should read it. And her fiction is even better. Plus she started the writing group I’m currently in that makes me set goals and keeps me accountable, which quite frankly, I find a little bossy, so now I’m going to make her do something. (So ha ha Rina!)

Abby Byrd – her blog Little Miss Perfect is hilarious. She says fuck a lot, calls her two-year-old an asshole, and isn’t afraid to piss people off. I would like to say the F-word more (like I do in real life), but people have told me they don’t like it, and I don’t like to piss people off (except for the three people I just named, obviously) so I don’t use it as much as I’d like to in my blog. And as I stated above, my kids are older now, so I can’t call them assholes. Oh, and Abby uses a pen name for her blog, but one day when her memoir is published (and it’s great, so it will be), you will know her real name, trust me on that.

Get to work ladies – you have one week to expose your soul to the internet. But hey, you’re writers. You’re used to that.

(And for those of you who stuck with this entirely-too long post, I really do thank you.)

My Valentine’s Day Aboard the Love Boat with MIXIM Greek Yogurt

February 19, 2014February 20, 2014 charleneaross2 Comments

I know you are all wondering how my Valentine’s date with Dave on the Queen Mary was. In a word: AWESOME!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Really? Yes, really!

pink-queen-mary — Getting ready to board the Love Boat

I was invited to attend the MIXIM Greek Yogurt launch at the Queen Mary for Valentine’s Day last Friday night. It sounded like a lot of fun and Dave and I were really excited to go. In fact, we were so determined to spend a fun Valentine’s night doing something different, we suffered through 2 1/2 hours in get-out-of-town President’s Day traffic to get there. Okay, I admit – that, not so awesome. But once we got there – so fun!

Once we arrived at the Queen Mary we checked in and were escorted to the VIP lounge where we immediately headed to the bar. One big ~~sip~~ gulp of a vodka cranberry, and our traffic stress immediately drained away.

I’ll tell you what, Ehrmann, the makers of MIXIM Greek yogurt, sure do know how to throw a party. The VIP lounge not only had free cocktails, but pass around trays of fabulous hors d’oeuvres, a yummy pasta bar, and to-die-for cupcakes. (And I don’t even usually like cupcakes.) And of course all the yogurt your little heart desired.

MIXIM-yogurt-flavors — These girls are adorable. And the yogurt? Delicious!

In case you haven’t noticed, this is a sponsored post, so a little about the yogurt…

I am a HUGE Greek yogurt fan. I eat it every day. (And I mean every day.) The thing is, I usually am not a huge fan of fat free Greek yogurt. It tastes a bit chalky to me so I wasn’t sure I would really enjoy MIXIM very much. Oh how wrong I was! MIXIM fat free yogurt get in my belly now! MIXIM Greek yogurt comes in an adorable heart-shaped container that has a crunchy mix-in and a fruit or honey mix-in. They have six flavors – all of them were delicious, but my favorite was the dark chocolate/cherry. YUM!

Oh, and one very, very important thing to note: MIXIM does not use rBST. I do not eat or endorse products with rBST. (With a teenage daughter and a never-mind-it’s-none-of-your-business-mid-life-change me, we have all the hormones we need in our household thankyouverymuch!)

Okay, back to the party…

After Dave and I ate our body weight in pasta and fat-free, rBST-free, creamy delicious yogurt (and perhaps had another drink or two) we decided to join the party outside.

MIXIM-Queen-Mary-Party — Hangin’ with the cool kids on the deck of the Queen Mary.

Before we knew it, it was time for the Guinness Book of World Records attempt of the most couples simultaneously feeding each other.

Ehrmann MIXIM Greek Yogurt Love Boat — Look in the lower left hand corner – that’s me!

What? Can’t see me? Okay, I will totally humiliate myself by posting the worst picture of me ever. (Oh the things I will do for this blog!)

Gunniess-Book-World-Records-Couples-Simultaneously-Feeding-each-other — Look Mom! We’re in the Guinness Book of World Records!

That’s right! We made the record. We were 2 of the 436 individuals simultaneously spoon feeding each other.

After the attempt at the world record was deemed a success, Christian Ehrmann, owner of Ehrmann USA presented a $20,000 check to The Children’s Heart Foundation during the celebration.

Ehrmann MIXIM Greek Yogurt Love Boat Christian Ehrmann — Fabulous!

Then the Journey tribute band Don’t Stop Believin’ rocked the house. (Or rather rocked the boat!) And if that wasn’t enough, the night ended with a spectacular fireworks display.

MIXIM Queen Mary Fireworks — A perfect way to end an awesome night!

But wait, there’s more! No, not of my Valentine’s night (and if there was, that part is private!) – there’s more MIXIM LOVE, but this time, for you!

Get social with MIXIM by uploading a photo to Twitter, Vine, or Instagram with the hashtag #MIXIMLOVE between now and March 14, 2014 for a chance to win an iPad Air AND $1,000 in Visa gift cards. Whoo Hoo! Check out the #MIXIMLOVE Wall of Fame here and see if you can spot my pictures.

And try some of their delicious yogurt, will you? Click here for a coupon. (You’re welcome!)

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post for Ehrmann MIXIM. But the time I had? Fabulous. And the yogurt? Delicious!

P.S. All of the crisp, sharp, clear, un-dark photographs on this post were courtesy of MIXIM.

Save the Date (and Beyond) with Minted

December 29, 2013December 29, 2013 charleneaross1 Comment

Dave and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in March. It doesn’t seem possible that the cute guy I had a crush on during a college internship has been stealing my covers on a nightly basis for the past two decades.

wedding photo — Can you tell how faded this photo is after facing a window in our living room for the past (almost) 20 years?

Weddings are so different now than they were when we got married.

Bridesmaid dresses don’t have to match anymore. Or look so bridesmaidey. (Thank god!)

The number of attendants can be lopsided. (Oh how I wish I’d had my five best girlfriends stand up with me instead of only two because Dave only wanted two groomsmen. But you know, back in the 90’s people didn’t do things like that.)

And the invitations? Ugh.

Okay my invitations were actually lovely, so maybe ugh is too strong a word. Perhaps I should say, “Yawn.”

I remember sitting in the back of the party store with my mom looking at book after book of plain white and plain ivory invitations. I think I finally just picked one before my eyes started to cross. And so I could get the heck out of that party store.

Wedding invitations are so much more interesting now. They can be classical or whimsical or cultural and can reflect your personality so much more than plain ivory cardstock. And you can order them from the comfort of your own home while you and your fiancé are snuggled together in your matching jammies on the couch, with your tablet resting comfortably on your laps.

And all the rage now are the Save the Date cards like the ones below from minted.com.

Fireflies-save-the-date-invitation — Love these whimsical cards – so cute!

Destination-Wedding-Save-the-date — Making your guests travel to witness your nuptials? These “destination” save-the-date cards are adorable.

Simple-Modern-save-the-date-invitation — For the bride that likes to keep things simple.

And of course just as fun and beautiful and unique as the Save-the-Date cards are the wedding invitations themselves…

That destination wedding you’re planning? How about sending a guidebook invitation. It’s practical and adorable at the same time.

Mini-book-wedding-invitation — Love this keepsake invitation!

Mini-book-wedding-invitation-open — Adorable + Practical = Awesome Guidebook Wedding Invitation

Or maybe you want something modern with classic roots.

Simple-wedding-invitation — Modern meets Classic

Or perhaps you like something kind of trendy like this cute chalkboard design.

Chalkboard-wedding-invitation — I chose a fancy scalloped edge – but there are eight shapes, including your basic hard-edged rectangle to choose from.

And of course all of the invitations come with fun options for the back of the invitations.

Chalkboard-wedding-invitation-back — So fun many choices!

Or if you’re a stickler for tradition and like ~~boring white~~ classic wedding invitations, they have those too. If I’m honest, I’ll admit I do kind of sway this way. But I tend to like things that are kind of plain and simple. Luckily Minted even has cards for people like me.

Classical-Wedding-invitation — For those of you who like things old school.

Disclosure: I was given a credit by Minted.com to facilitate this review, but the opinions of the awesomeness of Minted are expressed are 100% my own. (I can probably be bought off for a trip around the world or lots and lots of cash – but free stationery – not so much. But you don’t have to trust me – you have eyes – you can obviously see for yourself that Minted’s designs are beautiful and fun.)

Dave and I won’t be renewing our vows for our 20th anniversary (not our style), so I’ll be shopping for one of the many other ultra-cool things on Minted’s site, like maybe some business cards

minted-business-card — See? I like it Simple!

or Happy New Year cards (since I let the ball drop on Christmas cards this year).

But whatever I decide to order the good news is I can do it while wearing my jammies from the comfort of my couch. And not crammed in the back of some party store.

Hello, What Brings You Here?

November 6, 2013 charleneaross8 Comments

I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.

My biggest search by far are these brown boots:

brown boots for fall — Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!

Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…

(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)

But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)

My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.

You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the ~~masses~~ dozens from across the web to my little blog.

Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bug – This refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look, if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.

Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.

Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)

Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?

Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.

Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!

Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.

hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!

Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!

Bradley Cooper girlfriend – duh, it’s me!

Adam Ant girlfriend – hello… Me!

Tom Westman girlfriend – yes, also me.

2013 Obama bangs inspiration – I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!

is gas x yummy – no it is not.

what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.

poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.

Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.

And lastly…

cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.

If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!

On Reaching Goals

October 1, 2013October 1, 2013 charleneaross4 Comments

On September 1st I publicly proclaimed that intended to write and post one paragraph a day on this blog. Turns out I failed. I wrote (and posted) the first 10 days in a row. (Yay!) But then… it just sort of tapered off. Writing every day is one thing. (I didn’t even do that.) Writing something worthy of posting is entirely another.

I could make all sorts of excuses.

Like, I had other goals for the month to attain as well. Ones that weren’t made so publicly. (Though I’m not that bright, so I’ll tell you what they were now.)

I was also going to query three agents a week. Of course it would be a lie to say that querying got in the way of posting. I only queried two. (No, not per week. Total.)

My plan was to write my blog posts in the morning and send my novel queries on my lunch break.

But I also wanted to keep going to the gym five to six times a week. The good news is, this is goal I actually achieved and I lost three more pounds since finishing my Just Lose It Weight Loss Challenge. But it turns out being fit and being a writer is hard. Hopefully I’ll figure it out so I don’t have to choose between the two. (But I’m not holding my breath.)

And I recently went back to work full time (again). I’m still trying to re-figure out how to get my ass to work on time every morning. Typical morning: I get up at 5:00 and write (or procrastinate and check Facebook, Twitter and emails while convincing myself that it’s “working”) or go to the gym, make Chandler a peanut butter and banana sandwich (he’ll make it himself without complaint, but likes me to do it and he’s off to college in less than two years so my peanut butter and banana sandwich days will be over for good so I really don’t mind), walk the dog, get Marley up, make her eggs for breakfast (she refuses to eat lunch at school, so she needs a big protein-filled breakfast), make eggs for myself (I like mushrooms or spinach in mine and eat three eggs, but only two egg yolks – shut up), shower and get ready for work, change my clothes three times even though I pick out my outfits for the week on Sunday (nine out of ten times I go with the original outfit chosen), pack my lunch (even though I try to do this the night before I never seem to remember everything) and get out the door by 8:40. (I’ve only actually left at 8:40 once. It’s usually 8:45. At best.)

lay-out-clothes-the-night-before-work — You’d think putting together outfits like this would help me get ready faster in the morning. You’d be wrong.

Balance was another one of my goals for October. But you’re smarter than me. You can see that that was an unattainable goal can’t you?

So I’m going to be smarter too in October. This month my only goal is to post to my blog each Monday.

Um….

And to maybe query an agent or two. (Per week.)

And not flake on going to the gym.

And to stick to the first outfit I choose. (This one might be the hardest one of all.)

I’ll let you know how it goes.

There are only three months left in 2013. Do you have any October goals?

Writing Sucks

September 9, 2013 charleneaross3 Comments

I wrote a post last week called Running Sucks (because it does), but honestly, what sucks even more is writing. Writing is so hard, ~~sometimes~~ I wonder why I do it at all. Sure when I run I’m out of breath and uncomfortable and hot and sweaty and miserable. I don’t sweat (much) when I’m writing, but uncomfortable, out of breath and miserable? Check, check, and check! When I run my body hurts. When I write my brain hurts. The blogs I write in my head are seriously awesome. They’re clever and funny and relatable. Trust me when I tell you that they are freaking hilarious. But when I sit down to type them? Meh. The words do not flow from my brain to my fingertips. They fall flat on the screen. I know I can do better, I tell myself. That word isn’t right, that’s not what I’m trying to say. Then I put my head in my hands and stare a the cursor on the computer screen blinking at me. Baiting me. Daring me to turn it into words. So I put my fingers back on the keyboard, take a deep breath, and I type. I turn that cursor into words ~~and hate every single second~~ and wonder why anyone in their right mind would chose to do something so hard and so terrible. Something that sucks so very much.