6. If you are binge watching TV shows and have not caught up to real time stay off Twitter.
7. Maggie Smith rules. (I actually knew that already.)
8. So does Bryan Cranston. (Of that I was not aware.)
9. Candy Crush is even more addictive than binge watching TV. (However, I have not missed it even for one second after deleting it from my phone. I do, however, regret the 8,743 hours I spent ignoring my family while playing it.)
11. Running sucks. (I knew that already too – but not like I know it now.)
12. Having none of your clothes fit properly because they are too big is a good problem to have (and one that you really shouldn’t complain about to your friends), but it’s still a pain in the ass.
13. Parenting a teenage girl in the digital age is really hard. Like really fucking hard.
14. Chia seeds are not just for late 20th Century themed gag gifts. They are actually full of Omega 3’s and really good for you. They’re also really hard to get out of your teeth. (See #13 for how hard.) Even with dental floss.
Here are some things that I absolutely already knew that I was greatly reminded of in 2013
1. I really did a spectacularly awesome job when I picked my friends. (And I’m so glad they picked me back.)
Seriously, can’t you just taste those words in your mouth?!
What did you learn, love, or were reminded of in 2013?
*This post was inspired by 100% ripped off from the fabulous Kim Sisto-Robinson’s blog post 21 Things I’ve Learned in 2013 and Other Stuff. You should read it. Her words are beautiful. (And they taste amazing!)
I’m not talking about what they did to my poor body. I’ve forgiven them for that. (Mostly.)
Or the gray roots that are in desperate need of a touch up that I blame solely on them and not my genetic make-up even though the women in my family do tend to gray prematurely. (Gray hair at 48 is premature right?)
I don’t even mean the wrinkles that surely have more to do with the stern and sour looks that attach themselves to my face when I’m worrying about my kids, than the tanning I did in the 80’s (with Bain de Soleil SPF #4 that instantly turned your skin the most beautiful shade of orange that no self tanner today can even come close to competing with).
In the 80’s my silly friends used baby oil, but I “protected” my skin with this.
No, I am specifically talking about today. I look like crap today. And it’s all Chandler and Marley’s fault.
I went to the gym this morning at 5:30 even though I woke up feeling like I was getting a cold. I refused to believe that the universe would give me a cold five days before Christmas and I convinced myself I was just tired like every morning when I get up at o’dark o’clock. But as soon as I did my first jumping jack in my boot camp class I knew that a dreaded winter cold was most definitely settling itself inside my head.
When I go to the gym I need to be a bit more organized than other days to get to work on time. I left my class before stretching (my favorite part) so I could get home a little early because I had told Chandler I would drive him to school today. That sets my dog walk back about five minutes. But I was prepared for it. (Shhh – don’t tell Dave I gave the dog a half-block shorter walk.)
After Chandler was deposited at school and the dog was walked I woke up Marley, made our breakfast and then started getting ready for work when Dave took her to school. Just as I got out of the shower the phone rang. It was Marley. She forgot the Christmas cookies we stayed up until 10:00 baking and wrapping in cute little bags for her teachers and her friends.
(I did not feel sick last night when I was baking cookies, but the virus must have been brewing inside me, so would the 350 degree temperature of the oven kill the virus or or excelerate its power into some nuclear strength super virus?
Just wondering.
If Marley offers you a cookie today you might want to decline.)
Where was I? Oh yeah, Marley forgot her cookies. Crap.
Dave took the dog when he took her to school so I was afraid he was going to go straight to the park and walk the dog without coming home. (Yes our very spoiled dog gets two morning walks a day – a short one with me and a long one with Dave.) He didn’t answer his cell so I quickly dressed and hopped in the car.
Luckily I only got about a half block away when I saw him coming down our street. I honked and got his attention and he offered to go back and drop off the cookies.
I went back home, used my Neti pot, which takes extra time I did not have, and decided to put on “weekend make-up” which means no eye shadow or lipstick to save time. And I very much regret not using concealer.
Just as I was plugging in my flat iron (thank god I didn’t wash my hair – I’d have been totally screwed), the phone rang again.
Chandler forgot his running bag. A bag he brings with him every single day to school.
I believe both my children have a serious case of winter break fever that has seriously affected their already sub-par organizational skills.
I made sure Chandler’s bag had everything he needed, found his practice running shoes, and drove to where he was waiting at the end of the street.
When I got home my hair did not cooperate with my flat iron. It’s casual Friday, but I don’t think my favorite hat would go over well in my office.
Perfect for early morning Saturday soccer games – but the office? Not so much.
I really didn’t have time to spritz my hair with a little water and blow it out a little like I usually do when my flat iron can’t fix my two-day dirty hair.
So thanks to my forgetful daughter I have weekend make-up that doesn’t do much to mask my sallow virus-ridden skin and thanks to my forgetful son my hair looks like it belongs under a hat.
So if you see me today please forgive the way I look. I blame my kids.
I often wonder how people come across my blog. I’d like to think it’s the fascinating and hilarious content, but I’m not that delusional. So sometimes, just for laughs, I go to the very technical inner workings of my blog and check out my search terms.
My biggest search by far are these brown boots:
Everyone loves these brown boots. And why wouldn’t they? They are so cute!
Whether it’s via Pinterest or Google Images so many people end up here because of these boots. If only there was a way to convince these brown boots shoppers how M-F-ing funny I am and how enriched their lives would be if they subscribed to my blog. Sigh…
(Oh, and if you did end up here because of these boots, since I’m nice, here’s where you can buy them. Now do the right thing and fill your email address in that little box on the right and subscribe to my funny blog dammit!)
But it’s not just the brown boots that bring strangers from around the interwebs to my blog. Oh no. A close second to people looking for cute boots is people trying to get skinny by crash dieting. (I’m so proud!) No, it is not my awesome Just Lose It program where I lost 12 pounds and 13 inches by (literally) working my ass off and eating healthfully (though that is gaining momentum), it’s my Diet Diary of the Cabbage Soup Diet. (Yeah, it works if you’re trying to lose weight super fast, but it won’t stay off and I don’t recommend it.)
My third biggest search has to do with 80’s Rock God Adam Ant. In particular with him being fat. In fact, if you Google “Adam Ant Fat” my little blog comes up #1. It’s true! I am a top Google search. Go ahead, open a new tab, go to Google, type in “Adam Ant Fat” and see my blog pop up on top. But then come right back, because you will not want to miss some of the crazy terms that people search for.
You back? Good, here we go, some of my favorite searches that have brought the masses dozens from across the web to my little blog.
Meaning of Mark Twain quote difference between lightning and lightning bug – This refers to a post I wrote about quotes and one of my favorites, which is, “The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug,” by Mark Twain. Look, if you can’t figure out what that quote means please stop reading my blog. You’re too dumb. You will never understand my highly intellectual humor.
Charlene spanx – Um excuse me, but that’s a little rude. Yes, I did write a post about Spanx once, but still. I think that’s a little insulting. Perhaps you’re searching for another Charlene.
Black Booty on the bus – uh, huh? (And BTW – there are multiple searches for Black Booty on the bus. That’s a little scary!)
Yoga Santa Claus – once again, what?
Inspiring words love of booty – that’s just weird. What’s even weirder, is that search will get you here.
Jessica Chastain plastic surgery – I may have used the words Jessica Chastain and plastic surgery in the same blog post, but I never said she had it. I swear!
Charlene Ross novel – there are actually three searches for this. Whoo Hoo! Sadly, none of them appear to be from literary agents.
hot boys after braces – leave my son alone!
Charlene Ross hair styles – well, gee, I’m flattered!
2013 Obama bangs inspiration – I told you Michelle got the inspiration for her bangs from me!
is gas x yummy – no it is not.
what happens when you give dogs cabbage soup – they fart.
poor dress sense – again, rude! I happen to be very fashionable.
Ewan McGregor faithful – sadly, yes. Besides, Bradley says I can’t date him.
And lastly…
cry+sexy+napkin – I don’t even want to know.
If you’re a blogger I’d love to hear some of the funny search terms you’ve come across on your blog. And if not, what strange search words will you admit to? I’d love to know!
Yeah, I chose a picture of Bradley Cooper shirtless. You’re welcome.
Diamonds
You can totally see me wearing this, right?
Pinterest
And since Dave won’t let me date – which is the only reason I’m not Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend (obviously)…
or buy me diamonds – due to the violence and price fixing, not because he doesn’t think I’m worth it (so he says)…
if I want a little beauty in my every day life, Pinterest it is.
But, lately it seems Pinterest is starting to become a bit like Bradley Cooper and diamonds – unattainable.
I mean, I’ll never wear this little black dress…
My backyard will never look like this…
All that’s missing is a cabana boy with umbrella drinks.
Or this…
When do I move in?
And 35 years of applying make-up has never once resulted in anything that’s ever looked remotely close to this…
Gorgeous! (But I think if I tried it I’d look like a suburban hooker.)
But there is one thing I can do…
I can cook.
So lately I’ve been turning my Pinterest attention towards food. Beautiful, yummy, delicious food. Crock-pot meals. Appetizers. Desserts. I have been pinning away like crazy. And I’ve even made some of the recipes. Although I’m not sure my efforts would actually be called a success.
First I tried this crock-pot recipe for Mongolian Beef. Doesn’t it look gorgeous?
A crock-pot meal my kids would actually eat.
This is what happened when I made it…
Uh… not quite like the picture
In my defense it was Dave who got it from the crock-pot to the table. But still. I don’t think a pretty plate would have saved it. It’s no small wonder that Marley would not eat it. (Chandler however thought it was delicious.)
Then I tried this…
This is about as gorgeous as food gets.
Mine was almost as pretty…
Not too bad
Except my balsamic reduction sauce didn’t really caramelize and came out rather runny. And the heirloom tomatoes weren’t as flavorful ask I’d hoped. (Maybe because I cheated and got them at Trader Joe’s instead of the Farmer’s Market.)
I was starting to feel like a Pinterest failure. My food was either ugly and tasty or beautiful and meh. There had to be some way I could bring the beauty of Pinterest into my real life.
And then I found it. Something I could do. Something attainable. Something I could make useful. Beautiful even.
I took my kitchen drawer stuffed full of plastic bags…
This is one heck of a mess!
And folded them like little flags. Now my plastic bag drawer looks like this…
Home organization at it’s finest!
Yeah, I can fold a plastic bag like nobody’s business!
It may not be nearly as beautiful as this…
I might or might not have a Bradley Cooper (Secret) Pinterest Board
My mortgage is with Megabank and I have a very small (let’s call it cute) secondary checking account with Gigantobank. (These are obviously not the names of my financial institutions, but you get the picture.) For some reason I always confuse the two. The only way I really keep them straight is by their physical locations in proximity to my house. Last month I had to write a check for Chandler to register for school and I couldn’t find my primary checking account check book. I was running late for work so I wrote him a check from my Gigantobank account even though I knew I couldn’t cover it. I figured I would withdraw some cash and head to Gigantobank at lunch and make a deposit. When I got there and ran my bankcard through the machine the nice teller informed me that I used my Gigantobank card and I needed to use my Megabank card. “Oh,” I said and went to get my Megabank card out of my wallet until I remembered. I don’t have a Megabank bankcard. They own my house, not my cute checking account. Shit. I was at the wrong bank. The closest Gigantobank was a 10 minute drive from the office and I didn’t have enough time left on my lunch break to make it there and back. I. Am. Such. A. Loser. I resigned myself to going to Gigantobank the next day. It was only when I returned to the office that I realized my mortgage was due and I could have paid it while I was at Megabank. Epic Fail. On every level. It’s a wonder how I make it through the day.
Oh yes, it’s that time again. The Emmy Awards. How I love to watch my favorite TV stars strut their stuff down the red carpet and get all glammed up so I can make fun of their poor fashion choices while I sit on my family room carpet in my tank top and pajama pants folding laundry and feeling oh so superior. You might wonder why I’m so qualified to critique haute couture. Well, I’ll tell you why. At my senior prom seven other girls were wearing my prom dress. That’s right – SEVEN! So I obviously have exceptional taste as I made the most popular choice that 1983 off-the-rack-taffeta had to offer.
But I will be honest, I haven’t been feeling very snarky these past few years. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and am trying to be kinder. Or perhaps (more likely) because I feel that past couple of awards shows haven’t really had any major fashion don’ts. (Yawn.)
But last nights red carpet? Oh my… talk about a train wreck. Here we go…
First, there seemed to be a lot of actresses wearing ugly black dresses who wanted to look like old women…
Aubrey Plaza… I don’t even know where to begin. The messy pulled back school-marmish hair? The weird colorful flowers around the neckline. (Is that a necklace or an applique? I can’t tell.) Or just the plain ugliness of this dress. And can I give you just one piece of advice? Put on a bra. (Please.)
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Speaking of 1983 and taffeta – Vera Farminga… what are you wearing? That dress is just one big nope. That belt looks like something stolen from one of the space ships in Star Wars. And that hair? Did you use Brian Setzer’s hairdresser to achieve that height?
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
Amanda Peet is such a beautiful woman. I saw her once at the Rose Bowl Flea Market and couldn’t stop staring. Not because she is famous, but because she is so stunning. But this? It’s like she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to dress like grandma or Madonna so chose some odd combination of both. (Or maybe she just borrowed something out of Helena Bonham Carter’s closet.) No. No. And NO!
Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
And speaking of space ships… Heidi Klum – what the what? Did you get this from the Project Runway reject pile? I do not like that funky neck piece attached to an otherwise pretty dress. (And your hair is boring.)
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
There also seemed to be a big theme of cutouts on dresses. Honestly, I don’t know that I’m a fan.
Kaley Cuoco – I want to like this Vera Wang dress, but I just don’t. The top looks too bandeau-ish and the bottom just looks wrinkled. Sorry. Nope. (Your hair, however, looks gorgeous!)
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Cat Deeley – I have no idea who you are (and am rushing to get this posted, so have no time to look you up on IMDB), but I do not like your dress or your parted-down-the-middle-show-your-roots-super-straight hair. (I’m sure that you are a lovely person and apologize that we are first meeting like this.)
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
And then there was the trend of showing one’s underwear. (And I’m not talking bra straps.)
Lena Heady from Game of Thrones is one of the most beautiful actresses on TV. But this look??? The Grammy’s – yes. The Emmy’s – NO! That solid piece in the middle is just weird and it looks like she’s wearing a diaper. And the white shoes… Seriously?
Photo by Dan Steinberg/Invision/AP
Julianne Hough – again, don’t know who you are and I hate to meet like this, so I will start with a positive. Hair: love! Dress: Hate! (I don’t even think the Grammy’s are worthy of this. And it looks really, really uncomfortable – like it’s going to fall off any second.)
Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
All this negativity is making me a bit cranky. I think I’ll move on to what I really loved…
Claire Danes – your dress was stunning.
Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
Carrie Underwood – now here is a girl who knows how to wear taffeta! (Yeah, I know it’s a little prom dressy – but I like it.)
Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
Anna Gunn – I think this dress is my favorite. Love, Love, LOVE! And he hair and earrings also fabulous.
Jason Merritt/Entertainment/Getty Images
I loved Julianna Margulies’s dress. You can’t see it in this photo, but it had a very sexy slit in the front. But I have to be honest, when she was presenting on stage it looked like it could fall off at any second. There were a lot of strapless dresses last night and I think truckloads of wardrobe tape were shipped to Hollywood last week.
Photo credit: Getty Images via Huffington Post
Maria Menounos looked stunning. Gorgeous hair, gorgeous necklace and I love the color of this gorgeous dress. (But I should say that she’d better be careful – she has an amazing figure, but you can see a tiny outline of her stomach and in Hollywood, if your stomach isn’t anorexically concave, you are obviously pregnant.)
Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
Julia Louis Dreyfus looked stunning in understated elegance. And her acceptance speech – hilarious!
Photo by Scott Kirkland/Invision for Academy of Television Arts & Sciences/AP Images
This. Is how you do a cutout. I thought Carla Gugino’s dress. Very sexy, but at the same time very simple. (In case you couldn’t tell – I like simple.)
Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
And finally.. Jane Lynch – classic… elegant… and simply stunning. Love the hair, love the necklace and the suit? FABULOUS!
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images
What did you think about the Emmy’s fashion this year? Do you agree with me? (Of course you do!) Disagree? (You’re wrong – I’m right!) I’d love to hear your thoughts.
(And a special thank you to www.hollywoodlife.com for the fabulous red carpet coverage and photos.)
Did you know that the average cell phone contains more germs and bacteria than the average toilet seat? So does the average kitchen sink. (Do you think there’s a future in disposable paper cell phone covers?)
(Get your dirty hands off my phone!)
Here is another useless and quite random fact that you probably don’t know:
This explains a lot!
And then there is this little piece of wisdom:
So if you are going to commit a crime, be careful what you lick!
I wonder if there’s a rocket ship that could get there for some extreme space surfing.
Is that more or less that’s on a cellphone? (Or a toilet seat?)
And that my friends is my lame and completely random blog for today. And so you know, I did not check any of these so called facts*, but they’re on the Internet – so they must be true!
*That’s a lie – I did do a fact check the huge reservoir of water, it’s more than 12 billion light years away, but it’s true!
I am still not quite up for being funny (or clever or really anything) today, but I want to try to keep up with my one paragraph a day. So I am cheating by posting a link instead of a proper post. My friend Kim told me about this blog a couple of months ago, and I had meant to post a link then, but never got around to it. So it’s old. You’ve probably read it already. But if you haven’t, you absolutely must. Unless the F word offends you. (And if it does what the fuck are you doing reading my blog?)
By now everyone has seen the “Worst Twerk Fail EVER – Girl Catches Fire!” video. (And if you haven’t – where ya been? Camping in the wilderness with no WiFi or cell service? What’s wrong with you?)
Here it is in case you missed it:
And you also probably know that it’s fake (though I admit, it fooled me) via the ever so awesome Jimmy Kimmel Show.
I think it’s hilarious, but I’m bummed that it’s fake. I felt badly for the girl when I saw it, but I was a little bit happy that someone had an even bigger twerking fail than me. (And of course Miley.)
Yeah, you heard me right, I myself have had a twerking fail. And I think it’s time to come clean…
A few weeks ago the four of us were watching America’s Got Talent and Robin Thicke was on singing “Blurred Lines.” That song is a current guilty pleasure of mine, but Dave and the kids are not fans. And since I know they all hate it, I got up and danced in front of the TV. I waved my hands in the air and sang along. I was having a good ol’ time. (No, I wasn’t drunk, just obnoxious.)
Marley said, “Hey Mom, let’s see you twerk.”
“What’s twerk?” I asked.
Yeah, I’m obnoxious mom, but apparently not pop-culture-savvy mom. (This was a few weeks before the Miley Cirus twerk fail.)
“Oh my god, Mom. You don’t know what twerking is?” Marley asked me, unable to believe her my-mom-is-so-lame teenage ears.
She took me straight to YouTube and showed me this:
I watched the video very closely then squatted down, stuck out my butt (which even with my recent weight loss seems to be the perfect size for twerking) and then I thrust my hips. And almost threw my back out.
It seems these old hips do not move that way. I spent the rest of the night rolling on my foam roller.
Thank god there was no video. I mean, I wouldn’t put it past Marley to post it. Of course if she did, I’m pretty sure it would have gone viral.
Worst Twerk Fail EVER – Suburban Mom Throws Her Back Out!!! That fake girl on fire wouldn’t have stood a chance against me.
I recently read an online fashion magazine article titled “What They Wear: Airports”. There were photos of 10 starlets dressed super cute for their very glamour trips to the airport.
But then there were these shoes:
Gorgeous – but the airport… really?!
There was actually a full body shot of the actress wearing these shoes,but I cropped it to only show the shoes. I will not name the actress because (1) I am not that mean and (2) I’ve actually never heard of her. (She’s probably very young and gorgeous. Whatever.)
But c’mon – really?! These are the shoes you wear to the airport? Do famous people have some sort of pass where they don’t have to go through airport security shoeless? Yes, the shoes are adorable, but they have to take at least 5-10 minutes to take off and put back on again. And the magazine called the shoes a good and practical choice for travel because of the wedge. But what about the part you have to wrap around your ankle 5 times and then tie?! She probably flew on a private plane and didn’t have to clear security.
Which just goes to show… Stars are not like us people. Not like us at all!
Charlene Ross 